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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/10/2009 12:49:38 PM | | okay i have a question... now I dont want a second chance with my ex-boyfriend because 1. he cheated on me and 2. I have more self respect for myself but I can honestly say he hurt me bad. I have never been hurt like this before and I am doing really well with the healing process but I still have to maintain contact with him. We got an apartment together and after 1 month of living there I broke it off (or maybe he did not sure but anyways). It was because he was cheating. Anyways neither of us want the apartment so we have to figure out payment for it every month and plus we have a checking account together (which was his idea) that he put into the negative. I refuse to pay for what he did. So until he brings that to a zero balance we have to deal with that. Plus he is holding onto some of my possessions too. How do continue my process of healing with having contact with him if everyone says no contact? He still does things to try to hurt my feelings but I have been ignoring him and I have even went as far as changing my cell phone number. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/10/2009 2:35:36 PM | hunny, in your case, I would simply take the financial hit and move out. You might want to contact the apartment company and let them know what is going on. Maybe make arrangement to make payments for your half.
I would immediately CLOSE your portion of the checking account and create a new one. I'd also find some friends you can stay with (or family).
As for everything else, follow the guide as best you can. You'll heal up in time and someone BETTER will come along. Guaranteed! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/26/2009 1:49:26 PM | I knew that my last ex was the perosn I wanted to be with. Although I knew she hada lot of drama in her. but little by little she won my heart and started going out ignoring my gut instinct.Old adage says follow your instincts, but what happened...happened. I'm trying to remind myself that it wasn't going to workout, but after all I still miss her.
Good post Jarbarian | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/26/2009 8:11:06 PM | | This was an awesome read and such great advice. It made more sense to me than anything I have heard yet. Thank you so much for this!!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/27/2009 1:56:23 PM | | Good advice. This is how I got over my ex. She and I kind of mutually broke up...I was heartbroken because I thought she was "the one"...then she called me after 2 years and wanted to hang out again "as friends"...which quickly escalated into more...the old hormones and feelings came back with a vengeance...but, this time, I took the feelings for what they were, hormones, and focused on the person in all her flaws. Needless to say, we had some good times second time around, but I didn't get attached to her this time. We fizzled out again, but this time we truly are friends. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2009 2:41:54 AM | jarbarian :
I dont know who you are, but I really wish you would write MORE !! I've saved this thread of yours in my Favs file. I come back to it many times, read it so many times that I almost have it memorized.
Written so well, with so much substance. Everyone on POF should read it at least once. Regardless of wanting a "second chance" or not, it can be helpful to anyone that is trying to get over a past love.
Who ever you are jarbarian, please come back..write more... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2009 12:55:01 PM | Chalk me up as one who wishes this thread would die. No offense intended, but I find this whole thread tiresome and painful. I think there is much here, billed as profound, that is nothing more than common sense packaged for those who are broken. The "no contact rule" which is written about here as though it was some epaphany brought down my Moses, is another common since thought that junior high school students know.
It seems like a thread the broken hearted go to mope and look for some hope. Not productive at all.
I'll take some heat for that, but I just don't get the slobbering over this thread. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:16:46 PM |
It seems like a thread the broken hearted go to mope and look for some hope. Not productive at all.
How ironic considering this is the "broken hearts" forum.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:17:46 PM |
Who ever you are jarbarian, please come back..write more...
You're welcome. I chime in where I feel I can offer advice. Mostly I'm dating, enjoying life and having a good time. Life's too short to sweat breakups. Learn what you can, grow and move on. Someone better will come along.
They always do, when you least expect it! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/31/2009 6:30:22 PM | The last part of the original post is something I learned last night. I still love my ex but I realized that in order for her to be happy, it might be with out me and that's ok. It's not easy getting to this point but I still love her and care about her and want her to be happy.
The original poster is right. You need to love yourself. When that happens, other doors will open. Unfortunately I haven't gotten to that point yet but it will come. I still need to heal and get over her. Once I do that, I can work on me and hopefully show her I am what she knows I am or move on to someone else who just might love me more then she did. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2009 11:58:44 AM | Jarb-
I wanted to get your advice on a relationship issue of mine. My girlfriend of the past 11 months broke up with me 1 month ago, and its been eating at me pretty heavily. We are both 21 and met at work last summer, but she goes to school in Rhode Island, while I go to school in Minnesota. The first semester went really well, I visited her 3 times over the fall, made trips to meet half way, and things were generally pleasant. We had one month over the winter to hang out before she left for studying abroad in London. She was always the emotional free-spirit in the relationship, and I was more stoic and flatline, because my previous relationship ended badly due to my clingyness. She was very sad to be leaving me, as I was the first time she had a relationship of over 2 months with, and was her first love. She went to London, and I didn't want to make to big of a reach to call her everyday/night, as she was going out and partying with her friends experiencing London, and I didn't want her to resent me for taking up her time.
She complained about how we didn't talk as much as some of her other friends and their boyfriends, but I told her we are doing our best, and that I would be coming to visit her in London over my spring break. I did, things were solid but not spectacular, and I came home happy about the relationship, and she was still in love. The last month she was there she spent traveling, so I didn't get to talk to her as much, but she still sent me emails telling me she loved me and couldnt wait to come home.
The day she got home, about 1 month ago, she broke up with me because she said she had lost her feelings and needed some time to figure stuff out. I was upset, but said I understood. However, the next day, her friend from abroad sent me a message over facebook, and all that it said was "fight for her". So I did, and let her know how I felt. She said she was having second thoughts, but wished I would have told her that I wanted a future with her before we broke up. I was reluctant to do so at the time, because that talk had pushed my previous girlfriend away.
I didn't know of this website at the time, so I tried to be friends with her at first, and talked to her friends about it, and asked her questions about our future, even though she said that she didn't know. She said that the more I pushed, the more she pulled away. Last week she said we should just not talk for awhile, and cool out, and that I should move on. She told me that a guy she met at her program in London keeps texting her, and that he wants to visit her, but she said she doesn't want to do the long distance thing and that they're just friends.
I talk to my friends about it, more than I should, and she ran into them at a bar and they told her that I was talking with them about it. I have stopped the talking, and am trying to reflect inward. Have I already messed it up too much beyond repair, or does me not talking take priority in her head over time? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2009 1:23:50 PM | What a wonderful post. Right on target. Consider a career in counseling, for God's sake!
I think it's important to remember that the break-up occurred for a reason and that what's done is done. If you wanted out, you wanted out for a reason. Don't forget why. If your partner wanted out, they were not as happy with you as you were with them, that you can be sure of.
In my opinion, there is no going back. No "take twos" or "do-overs".
If I left, I left for good cause after careful consideration and conversation.
If you left, I don't want you back.
Wouldn't going back be just settling for less than you'd hoped for anyway? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2009 5:50:20 PM |
Have I already messed it up too much beyond repair, or does me not talking take priority in her head over time?
Read the book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). It'll explain what clingy/needy behavior does (as you have mentioned in the past) and describes the push/pull you noticed and why it doesn't work. You can't force someone to love you.
Honest she is immature and you are young. What I would do if I were in your position is consider this another learning experience and apply it to the next relationship. She doesn't know what she wants and you'll have PLENTY of opportunities in your life to find the right one.
There's no need to hurry, amigo. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/9/2009 11:11:33 PM | I knew the clingy stuff didn't work, as from my last relationship, and I was always the confident one in this relationship, which bothered her sometimes because she was usually on an emotional roller coaster. I have to let her be right now, and give her the space she asked for a week ago, but I just want your insight as to how she might respond to the space. Do you think she will "miss me" even though it took her multiple times the past week to tell me that we need to not talk for awhile? And she told me she is texting a guy she introduced me to in London who "likes her", but she insists they are just friends, even though they became close in London.
I just would like to get your perspective on how you think she will respond to the space I give her, once she sees that I'm doing my own thing. I'm going to Vegas with some of her coworkers next week, and I wonder how she will perceive me having fun like this so soon after her direction to tell me to not talk to her and move on. All your insight is helpful, as I am mulling this over quite a bit. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/10/2009 10:35:46 AM |
...but I just want your insight as to how she might respond to the space. Do you think she will "miss me" even though it took her multiple times the past week to tell me that we need to not talk for awhile? And she told me she is texting a guy she introduced me to in London who "likes her", but she insists they are just friends, even though they became close in London.
I haven't the first clue. The only one who has the answer to that question is her. I think you need to stop worrying over what she is going to do and start focusing on you. The fact she mentioned there is someone new in her life (friend or more) should be enough for you to let her go and do your own thing. You can not live your life hoping that someone is going to come back. You have to live as if they are not (and never will) and move from there. All clinging to hope over situations you do not control does is keep you from healing.
I just would like to get your perspective on how you think she will respond to the space I give her, once she sees that I'm doing my own thing. I'm going to Vegas with some of her coworkers next week, and I wonder how she will perceive me having fun like this so soon after her direction to tell me to not talk to her and move on. All your insight is helpful, as I am mulling this over quite a bit.
I'm more concerned over why you are thinking so much about it? Who cares what she thinks or how she will perceive you? This is why I want you to read the book I suggested because you are fresh out of this relationship and you appear to be seeking validation from her.
You shouldn't care what she thinks about you or how much "fun" you're having. The fact that you're so concerned over it to me at least says that you're not going to have much fun because your focus is on HER and not YOU.
You need to figure out a way to get your mind OFF of her and ONTO you. That is the way forward. What's done is done and can not be changed and there isn't a man on this planet who has ever added a day to his life by worrying... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/10/2009 5:14:59 PM | | I read your post wayzata4 and felt compelled to answer you. I would like you to think about the fact that if she wanted you, she would stop at nothing to be with you. You would be second to none and no one else could compare. But more importantly you need to believe this. After I read this post by Jarbarian I wrote my ex an good bye letter I put it in the mail box and walked away. It was liberating. I had not called him or run after him but I still held hope and I needed to get rid of that to move on. It does not matter what she thinks this is about you now. Start reading and really work on your self esteem. Good luck to you! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/10/2009 10:00:33 PM | I know she doesn't want me right now, but she just got back from abroad and I'm sure she is feeling confused. In terms of a goodbye letter, I don't really feel like I should tell her goodbye, she said we shouldn't talk anymore, and I want to respect her space. I just analyze things too much, and my mind tries to work out why she came home and did dumped me, when only weeks earlier she had told me how excited she was to see me.
I'm not going to move on for her sake, but for mine. I just want to know if its likely that she'll at least appreciate the space I have given her, even if it doesn't make her come back. I would like to think the "best year of her life" as she called it, would warrant a little more curiosity from her after awhile.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/11/2009 2:20:28 AM | well I got my 2nd chance, after a year. He contacted me. We have been doing the texting/IM'ing for the past 3 wks. Got together only once.. & I realized nothing had changed. But I wanted to give it a try. Went in knowing exactly where I stood & accepting of that fact; realizing it may not work again... & it didnt.
When he didnt get his way; when he would change the subject if he didnt like what I had to say; when it was NEVER about me....then the comment was "I cant do this". WTF- why did you contact me in the first place?? Got pissed off & said goodbye & dont bother me again.
We were good the first time around & I will always care for him b/c basically he is a decent person, he was good to me in a lot of ways, & not so good in others. But he will end up bitter & alone ( he is there already) b/c he cant move forward & get close to anyone. Its always about him. Its too bad; I tried & am not sorry but am moving on & emotionally this time around am in a much better place. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/11/2009 7:24:17 AM | My God you hit the right statements that Shall build anybody's confidence back
Are you some kind of Psychologist? Its wonderful to have someone like you to comment on these things which have affected a lot of people. Keep it up.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/11/2009 8:44:19 AM | No, I am not a Physchologist. I just learned this the hard way. Relationships are hard but everything gets much easier when you learn to love and respect yourself.
Once you do, you will find that all your relationships will be in harmony. Friends and Signficant others... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/17/2009 8:43:44 AM | | If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you’d be amazed at how many people don’t think of it when it’s relevant. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:04:33 AM | I already made these mistakes in the past 2 months... did almost the exact opposite! Checked up on him, cried to him, told him how depressed I was & how bad I want him back! Now hes talking to a new girl! Did I already mess it up? Is it too late? What do I do now? Oh and are there any differences for long distance relationships?  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/18/2009 8:35:04 AM |
I already made these mistakes in the past 2 months... did almost the exact opposite! Checked up on him, cried to him, told him how depressed I was & how bad I want him back! Now hes talking to a new girl! Did I already mess it up? Is it too late? What do I do now? Oh and are there any differences for long distance relationships?
A: LDRs are almost impossible to maintain.
B: Why would you want someone back who, after pouring your heart out, still doesn't want to be with you?
If you love and respect yourself you simply walk away from people who take you for granted. If they'll do it now, they'll do it again in the future. Besides, if they really wanted to be with you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you. You don't have to pursue them, they'll find you.
You can, however, chase them completely away by trying to "force" them to love you. They either do or they do not. Situations like this, we have no control over and need to learn to let them go.
Besides, the more time you waste on someone who doesn't want to be with you the longer it will take for you to find the RIGHT one. Wasting time lamenting the one who got away keeps the right one away as well.
Make sense? | |
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