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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:21:19 AM | | Excellent post with some really sound advise. Second chances are a tough call. It all depends on the circumstances. I believe most relationships can be repaired, even when one side cheated. But it won't be easy. The person that cheated has to realize 1) they damaged the love and broke the trust the other person had for them; 2) repairing both is going to take a lot of hard work on their part. I find most people that had cheated don't have the resolve to put in the work to repairing a relationship. Contrary what one person's post stated, most people never learn from their mistakes. Either because they are a wired that way or their past has so broken them they cannot fix themselves without professional help. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/7/2009 4:51:20 PM | I'm not sure that a second chance is possible if infidelity is involved. How do you trust someone again who has already betrayed you once? You'd have to live your life with not only the knowledge that they slept with someone else (while still with you) but the fact they could do it again.
Not sure, IMHO, it's worth it. Without trust there is no foundation for a relationship. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/25/2009 12:19:17 PM | Jarbarian,
I've been following NC strictly since my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. The problem is, he keeps trying to contact me, as a friend; texting me that he misses me, AIM "reminding" me that he's here for me when I'm ready to be friends and to talk to, and telling our mutual friends to tell me that when I'm ready to be friends, he is too. I've told him I'm not interested in being friends, and it's like he doesn't believe me. When we were breaking up, he alluded to "maybe one day" things working out. I'm not holding my breath on it, but I do really love him. I refuse to be drug around like this. Do you think he really is interested in friendship, is he missing me, does he want me in his life? It sucks, because I can't get a straight answer with NC. Thanks, Lily | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/25/2009 1:04:28 PM |
I've been following NC strictly since my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. The problem is, he keeps trying to contact me, as a friend; texting me that he misses me, AIM "reminding" me that he's here for me when I'm ready to be friends and to talk to, and telling our mutual friends to tell me that when I'm ready to be friends, he is too.
Let me translate what he is saying to you in plain English: "I want all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, WITHOUT being in a relationship with you. I want you on standby IN CASE I ever change my mind and want you back. I have needs that aren't being met in some way/shape/form and I would like to USE you to get MY needs met until I can find someone else who meets these needs."
Sounds selfish? It is. He doesn't deserve your time or friendship. When people make a choice to walk away from you, let them! As long as your ex remains in the picture, he/she will be a roadblock for the RIGHT person. Remove the roadblock!
I've told him I'm not interested in being friends, and it's like he doesn't believe me.
So you laid down a boundary ("I don't want a friendship!") and he isn't respecting it?! The only alternative is to BLOCK his avenues of contacting you. Block him on social web sites, block him from IM, change his name in your phone to DO NOT ANSWER and tell your friends that if they talk to you about him you will end the conversation. You love your friends, they should also respect the boundaries in your life.
When we were breaking up, he alluded to "maybe one day" things working out.
Here's some philosophy on this: "Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option..." You do not have to accept his breadcrumbs of affection. If you love and respect yourself, you do what you have to protect your own interest.
I'm not holding my breath on it, but I do really love him. I refuse to be drug around like this. Do you think he really is interested in friendship, is he missing me, does he want me in his life? It sucks, because I can't get a straight answer with NC. Thanks, Lily
No, what I think he is doing is "playing the field" because he thinks he can do better. Honestly, people are truly IN love with you and love you deeply would never walk away. They would walk a mile in broken glass to make the relationship work. They do NOT give up, they do not walk away and they do not quit on you.
Ask yourself this: "Don't I deserve someone who will stick it out with me?!" The answer should always be YES. Since he doesn't fit that criteria already and honestly, he would walk away again in the future because you have no assurances he would not, then why waste your time?!
Why give him a second chance when there is someone out there BETTER for you who hasn't had a FIRST chance with you?!
Last but not least: This guy can not bug you and he can not force himself into your life if you do NOT let him. It's the one thing you do control in this life: YOU! If you just ignore him and keep NC up, he will eventually get the message. You are not going to accept being "second place" with him so don't!
Cheers. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:50:05 PM |
For the sake of everyone's sanity, bump.
For the sake of everyone's sanity, let this exercise in vanity publishing die already. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:20:50 AM | BRAVO !!!!!!!! This is the best and factual piece of advice for anyone whether young or older, like me    | |
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ndulj
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Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 1358 | |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:05:18 AM | Jarbarian I don't know if you are still around, but I just had to say thank you for the wonderful advice. I found it at a very timely moment.
I am 2 weeks into the breakup with the love of my life. It wracked my self-esteem.
Your words have done much to make me remember who and what I was before we met. I am still that person. Your words have helped me find the strength for NC and to move on.
When and if he resolves his commitment issues maybe, just maybe I will listen.
Thank you | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/13/2009 1:50:26 PM | | Great post Jarbarian, the no contact rule is essential, just to add - after a break up I think it's just as important to learn to bask in your aloneness. Because it's not loneliness at all, it's peace, once you've made peace with peace the healing process becomes that much easier, and faster. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:04:41 PM |
When and if he resolves his commitment issues maybe, just maybe I will listen.
No.
No contact is to get you to take the time to look at YOU and see that YOU
deserve so much more than someone elses crumbs-
What do you want - YOU want to be the one he comes back to after he
has exhausted ALL his possibilities with someone else- and all that is
left is YOU who will put up with his bullshit - NO.
YOU want to be the one who can look him in the eye and tell him to
fcck off- you dont need him, his games and the crummy life he has
offered you.
YOU have a new life with loads of self esteem and self worth- and you love
yourself- completely. NOW you can find that other half that loves you
just as much back.
No contact is for YOU - not for HIM. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:09:04 PM |  That's exactly true....and given enoughtime..you will wonder why you even " considered" the crumbs!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/15/2009 7:56:45 AM | You're welcome :)
Great follow up posts, by the way. Sometimes in the process of bonding with someone new, we forget who we are and that is usually when things go terribly wrong. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:18:26 PM |
Men to do it off the cuff without thinking things through and as such, are more likely to admit they made a mistake.
Nah, men are less likely to admit they made a mistake - in any situation but especially to a woman. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:27:21 PM | Every so often I drop by this thread and it never fails to surprise me how far some people will go to rationalize their anger and add to their resentment.
The reason it's so difficult to uphold the no contact is because it goes against ones inner feelings/emotions/beliefs/desires. Simply put, it's unnatural.
If one is feeling they still want to give their partner a second chance there must be a damn good reason but we live in a society where misery loves company. There's never a shortage of folks screaming, "Dump him/her!"
It's like divorce. An affair will occur and the aggrieved party starts out on the road to virtual self-destruction. Their "friends" encourage them to dump their partner but where are the "friends" when the person is sitting at home alone? Where are the "friends" when one realizes the household income has been cut in half? Where are the friends when their children ask the whereabouts of mommy/daddy?
Well, we know where a lot of the friends are. They're on dating services seeking a companion after having told you that you didn't need the companion you had. They are on dates hoping that, after having spent years searching, this time they will be successful in finding "the one" after having told you how great it is to be alone and being able to "find oneself".
So many divorces end up being bitter not because of the initial affair but due to the actions taken and the circumstances that followed. The loneliness. The shortage of money. The children acting out. Their ego being so big they just couldn't live with their "friends" knowing they forgave their partner.
That is the tragedy which so often occurs. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:27:45 PM | My ex-husband wants a second chance. Or rather, he wants to be friends in the the hope that it will lead to us getting back together.
I'm so torn.
Part of me is stilll angry and hurt at the way that he treated me. But another part acknowledges that until the end we were happy - and we *both* made mistakes: our break up wasn't entirely his fault.
When I consider giving him another chance, a voice in my head tells me I'm being weak and stupid and that I should never speak to him again.
When I consider never speaking to him again, a voice in my head tells me I'm being proud and stubborn and that I should accept that he made a mistake and forgive him.
I wishes one of these voices would shut up. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:13:00 AM |
(Msg 1366) Part of me is stilll angry and hurt at the way that he treated me. But another part acknowledges that until the end we were happy - and we *both* made mistakes: our break up wasn't entirely his fault.
What can you lose by trying again, by investing a few extra months in a relationship that, overall, worked well for you?
Sit down with him and tell him what's bothering you. Tell him why you're angry and hurt.
You have a choice. You can discuss the anger and hurt, overcome it and regain what you lost. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.
If being alone was so great dating services wouldn't be springing up on line. People wouldn't be getting in line to pay money every month just to meet people. I suspect even the most jaded have a secret wish they could meet someone. Otherwise, why are they spending time and money looking? (Just for the record this does not apply to me as I make it clear I am married.)
Ego has been the downfall of many wo/men. Be careful not to fall victim to it. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:20:47 AM | dave1234 wrote
What can you lose by trying again, by investing a few extra months in a relationship that, overall, worked well for you?
Sit down with him and tell him what's bothering you. Tell him why you're angry and hurt.
You have a choice. You can discuss the anger and hurt, overcome it and regain what you lost. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.
On the one hand I completely agree with you - given a choice I'd rather be happily in a relationship than happily single - but as for the 'what have you got to lose' question - I guess it's taken me 2 years to get over our break up and get to the point where I'm happy with my life and confident enough to be dating again. I worry that giving him another opportunity - even just meeting for dinner, let alone "a few months" will simply be going backwards. The divorce is final and logic tells me to walk away. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:39:46 AM | I agree with Dave. If you both made mistakes, and you both know that, then what is a few months??
The only thing that would stop me is IF there had been someone else on either side in the mix.
Many people can get past that. ..........i don't think I ever could. I always felt like when the bond of fidelity is broken..there is no fixing the relationship. That ,however is just me, and these forums alone show how often men and women are open to forgiving infidelity as a " mistake".
If you feel your life is much better with him in it...and you love him...go for it. If it is just because it is " familiar"........I would pass.
Blessings to you | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:30:39 AM | On the one hand I completely agree with you - given a choice I'd rather be happily in a relationship than happily single - but as for the 'what have you got to lose' question - I guess it's taken me 2 years to get over our break up and get to the point where I'm happy with my life and confident enough to be dating again. I worry that giving him another opportunity - even just meeting for dinner, let alone "a few months" will simply be going backwards. The divorce is final and logic tells me to walk away.
The problem with giving someone a second chance is that you are always the one taking on huge risk on a long shot proposition.
As you said, you have already moved on. It took two years for you to get back to being happy again. If you allow your ex-husband to even be friends, you risk reopening up old wounds. Worse, if you get back into a relationship with him and he ends up leaving you again, your heartache will be twice as bad. For not only are you back to square one and have gone backward for two years, but knowing that you have let the same person hurt you twice would be a very tough pill to swallow.
Second chance is way overrated. It's important to recognize that for the lucky few who has succeeded in reconnecting with an ex, a great number more didn't. Worse still, the experience can leave a deep scar that often takes many more years to recover. There is no shortage of threads in this forum about those dreadful on-again-off-again relationships, and how utterly time-wasting and debilitating the whole exercise was.
Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.
If being alone was so great dating services wouldn't be springing up on line. People wouldn't be getting in line to pay money every month just to meet people. I suspect even the most jaded have a secret wish they could meet someone. Otherwise, why are they spending time and money looking? (Just for the record this does not apply to me as I make it clear I am married.)
Ego has been the downfall of many wo/men. Be careful not to fall victim to it.
I am not sure how many people think in this line. I know for sure I don't. I much rather expend the efforts in finding someone new who may be a match for me than to take on the huge risk of reconnecting with an ex. I give my all in every relationship and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, but for me, one heartache per person is more than enough. This does not make me jaded. I am merely taking care of my emotional wellbeing by not subjecting myself to extraneous risks. It has nothing to do with ego. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:16:08 AM |
You have a choice. You can discuss the anger and hurt, overcome it and regain what you lost. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.
Whoa, sport. If you can't be happy all by yourself, then you certainly cannot be happy with somebody else. Looking for someone else to make you happy is a sure-fire way to be let down in the future. There are hundreds of posts in this forum that will prove this point out.
Part of me is stilll angry and hurt at the way that he treated me. But another part acknowledges that until the end we were happy - and we *both* made mistakes: our break up wasn't entirely his fault.
This shouldn't be an issue of guilt. You broke up for a reason, and I doubt guilt had anything to do with the breakup. It should have nothing to do with any reconciliation you pursue. It's OK to admit you made a mistake...but it's not OK for you to allow that mistake to cloud your judgment. It means you've not healed up yet...
That's my take on it. Your mileage may vary...
Paul ;) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:52:38 AM | Thank you all for your advice.
For the record, he was unfaithful and that was the begining of the end of our marriage.
I've decided not to give him another chance - I think quite simply, I would never be able to truly trust him again, and whatismore I'm happy enough without him. I think I'd rather start again and hope that next time round I find someone better. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:53:39 AM | Yeah, UNFAITHFUL would have DONE it for me!!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You have the right to be happy without worrying about someone doing THAT to you again.
That would always be a dealbreaker for me!
Be happy!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:07:35 PM |
(Msg 1371) Whoa, sport. If you can't be happy all by yourself, then you certainly cannot be happy with somebody else. Looking for someone else to make you happy is a sure-fire way to be let down in the future. There are hundreds of posts in this forum that will prove this point out.
I totally disagree.
Assuming you work for someone would you be just as happy being unemployed and on welfare? The great majority of people are happier having an boss (employer) than not.
Living as a couple is a way of life and that's what's important to find out about any prospective partner. Do they enjoy that lifestyle?
The same can be said about people who want children. Why would someone feel something is missing if they don't have children? Can't they be happy by themselves?
Who is going to make the better parent; the one who truly desires children or the person who doesn't care one way or the other?
Who is going to make the better partner; one who enjoys life as a couple or one who is just as happy living alone? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:09:11 PM | So what do you do after those 2 months? at that point your probably over him, don't really care if he contacts or not and feel happy with or without him. But you remember the good times and the problems are solveble. It wasn't really a big problem.
Do you send them an e-mail, telling them you want to try again?
or
Do you keep being happy, full fill your life and keep doing NC untill he contacts?
if you do the second thing then this isn't really 'second chance' thread, but 'get over your ex forever' thread. lol | |
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