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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:05:36 PM |
So what do you do after those 2 months? at that point your probably over him, don't really care if he contacts or not and feel happy with or without him. But you remember the good times and the problems are solveble. It wasn't really a big problem.
The ultimate position to be in is one of indifference. Meaning you don't care if they come back or not. This means you HAVE healed completely and will be open to a relationship with someone new.
Do you send them an e-mail, telling them you want to try again?
or
Do you keep being happy, full fill your life and keep doing NC untill he contacts?
You keep being happy and stick to NC. Who cares whether he contacts you or not? You should be doing the things that make you smile and the RIGHT person will walk into your life.
if you do the second thing then this isn't really 'second chance' thread, but 'get over your ex forever' thread. Lol
And that, my dear, is really what I was trying to get at with this thread. | |
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| Wow, you are pretty good.....
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:35:53 PM | Thanks for this thread its a timely reminder and comforting to hear yet again. Now just to get it to sink in | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:48:36 PM | I used such a program myself. It has helped me immensely.
I went through a brief friendship after the 'effective breakdown of my marriage' ... a man that wanted more than anything to help me through the marital breakdown - but I needed to do this for myself.
In the end I had a double whammy.
I had to use the process to get through the marriage break up and also finding someone that I really felt something for, the chemistry was amazing, we wanted the same things, but I knew my mind was not right, no matter what my heart wanted.
I loved him with all my heart, but I knew that I had to resolve one before getting into another.
Sadly, the two were interlinked and I lost both of them in order to give me time to become whole.
To this day, I love him, but what will be is dependent upon the future and where he is at if and/or when we ever meet again. I will never say never. One never knows, but we must pursue what we know in both our heart and mind to be right. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/21/2009 6:26:09 PM |
Who is going to make the better partner; one who enjoys life as a couple or one who is just as happy living alone?
If you can't make yourself happy alone, you will not be truly happy with someone else. Besides, the only person responsible for your wants/needs/happiness on this planet is YOU. It's not the job of anyone else, that is for sure. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:13:06 PM | Sorry, I disagree with so much of this thread. In fact I think it is harmful for those that feel that a relationship can be saved.
I also respectfully disagree with the notion that you will not be truly happy with someone else until you are happy alone. Did it ever occur to anyone that some people just will never be happy alone? Personally, I think it is not normal to be alone> I hate it, always hated it and will never be happy alone...period.
When I said this thread is harmful for many that come here for help in juts feeling better about a recent break up, what I mean is, you read all the negative things about contact and how to move on and get over it. Suppose that relationship can be worked out? Yet some will foolishly listen to all the negative things said in this thread and force themselves to listen to this advice.
My girlfriend of three years broke up with me back in February. it ripped my heart out. Not the first break up either. I won't go into detail about why we broke up. That's to private. But I say that neither of us broke the trust we had in each other. Neither one of us cheated on the other. Nothing that is as hurtful as those two main issues. From the day she left and moved 1100 miles away, I tried to forget her, put her out of my mind. In the next 6 months I dated, hoping a new love would help ease the lose. Had some good times with some great ladies. Never had sex with any of them. I just could not go there thinking, hoping that someday I'd be back with the woman that broke my heart. Every few weeks I'd send her a brief one or two liner just asking if she was OK. Never asked for a reconciliation or pressured her in any way. Then after six months,she finally responded to one email. In it she said, "the time and distance only proved to me that I do love you" . That was music to my ears. So we started communicating again. Now 2 months later we are both committed to making it work. Our relationship is stronger then ever and we both want the same thing out of our relationship. I am once again very happy.
So please understand that IF you want a chance, think there is a chance, don't just give up! It's working for us and can work for you. It depends on why you broke up and how strong the bond was to begin with. Many of the reasons we had a hard time and caused her to call it quits was from things she nor I could control. Couple that with misunderstanding, assumptions on both our parts and not being able to communicate properly what the issues were finally became clear to two people that never stopped loving one another.
It can happen for you too. Be patient, be compassionate, understanding and ready to accept fault for your part in the breakup. Fences can be mended if you both want it.
I wish you all well in whatever works for you. Just don't let all the broken hearts that blindly agree with all the advice you read in this thread. use your on instinct, common sense and beliefs about the one you want that second chance with.
I know the pain all to well. I am one of the lucky ones that got a second chance. She feels the same way. I wish all of you the best, whatever course you take. But I do want you to know that some second chances, third chances and maybe ever fourth chances are more then worth it. How strong was that bond? How badly do you want it to work. Do you think your ex may really want the same thing? Then go for it!
You may have to swallow some pride and even ask for forgiveness. That's not a bad thing if it's warranted and sincere. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/5/2009 4:19:22 PM |
It can happen for you too. Be patient, be compassionate, understanding and ready to accept fault for your part in the breakup. Fences can be mended if you both want it.
I wish you all well in whatever works for you. Just don't let all the broken hearts that blindly agree with all the advice you read in this thread. use your on instinct, common sense and beliefs about the one you want that second chance with.
Amen to that.
Nothing is cut and dried. Sometimes a second chance can work. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2009 6:17:14 PM |
(Msg 1380) I also respectfully disagree with the notion that you will not be truly happy with someone else until you are happy alone. Did it ever occur to anyone that some people just will never be happy alone? Personally, I think it is not normal to be alone> I hate it, always hated it and will never be happy alone...period.
Well said! In a way it's similar to people who desire a family. Couples who have problems conceiving spend thousands of dollars and feel their lives are "incomplete". We'd never think of saying, "You don't need children to make you happy. Learn to live alone."
Just as, in all likelihood, a person who longs to have children would make a better parent than someone who unexpecedly became pregnant someone who values the lifestyle of being part of a couple would make a better partner.
As for no second chances the world is full of people advising others to kick their partner to the curb. In most cases the one giving advice is constantly on the look-out for a partner themselves and the bitterness emanating from some posters is palpable.
Anyone who takes a look at poster's joining dates will see that finding someone compatible is not an easy task. It's wise to be aware that throwing away a relationship will most likely result in at least a year or more of searching. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2009 8:50:19 PM | For me to consider giving a second chance in my personal life, would be totally contingent on the why(s) of the break up, in the first place.
Referring to POF Forums: Thing is, here? I have yet to see (in the year that I've been here) an OP start a thread, about giving, or asking for, a second chance of/to their ex, that I would advise the OP to give (or continue seeking if that's the case) a second chance to their ex, because the circumstances of their breakup(s) are those of such an abhorrent situation ( ie. cheating, abusing, found out they were married... etc. of that nature), that I would never advise to 'go for it', same as I would never consider it for myself.
I would LOVE to see more of (ok, one?) skateboard type wrecks, then the devastating Amtrak Train wrecks, come aboard to seek advise concerning second chances ... 
Gotta link?  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/6/2009 10:26:56 PM | I have been on both sides of this fence...and second chances CAN work...but the % is not good.
I had a wonderful marriage for over twenty ears.
The man I had my first half hearted relationship with 18 months after my husband died...put me thru literal hell. I was so vulnerable that he zeroed in on it. Confusion is not even enough to describe it. In the space of year and half we tried it MANY times.
Finally I took jarbarian2's advice to heart. I still think about him sometimes, but I am not stupid enough to go back or be pulled back into it. I have a peace now....... all that friction was eating me up. My husband was the easiest man I ever knew to be with. That " whatever you call it" kept me in constant turmoil. Then at the end I found out he was married!!
I am taking the " me" time now......and it works for me. I have no intention of getting involved with ANYONE..until I feel ready. It is not an excuse...because I could have told my kids, friends, etc to back off....( in their mind, if I found someone else, I wouldn't miss my husband so much) but I didn't and I let myself be pushed into a relationship I wasn't ready for......It almost destroyed me!! I had to give myself my own timetable to heal... not theirs. There is no doubt in my mind I am able to have a wonderful relationship now because I have come to terms with the " ghosts" of my past. But it will be when I feel I WANT to go there....NOT UNTIL!!
I get mail all the time telling me they are different. Honestly I don't care WHAT they are!! It is MY time!!
AS for throwing away a relationship and having to go thru another year to find someone else???? If the realtionship don't work.why stay in the mess??
Situation like the one the man above described is totally different. She evidently was not hanging up on him blocking his emails, etc.
The hurt was there but not so much that it could not be repaired...........and THE JURY IS STILL OUT ON THAT ONE!!
I pray that they Make it this time...but 2 months.they are still in the " honeymoon" stage of getting back together!!
I think the OP in this thread is still dead ON!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/7/2009 7:04:07 AM | I know I have posted some time ago on this thread, and I have read a lot of thoughts on second chances. I've tried to be open minded about it, and have reflected much on it, but yet my stance is still the same. No way, no how would I ever go back to someone who hurt me so much.
I have watched friends go back to their (dis) respective partners after a breakup - for whatever reason - you name it it's out there. Nine times out of ten, the subsequent break up is worse than the first. - why? because all the unresolved issues that plagued the relationship are just that....unresolved. - Heck, I have even seen it on here. - on this very section of 'broken hearts'.
I guess for me, it's pretty cut and dried. - The Golden Rule of Relationships I have adopted has served me very well over the years and it goes like this:
Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are. This rule applies to both parties and is nontransferrable. Never ever break up with someone more than once. If you do, you are just setting yourself up to be hurt and disappointed again and again and it just lends to the on/off again instability and abuse that can last for years and years on end.
My ex walked out the door and said he was through. Yes, he lied about being with someone else. Well, to make a very long sordid story short, a little over a year after we ended things, his new flame burned out and he discovered she wasn't so great after all. He tried to come crawling back. I basically laughed in his face and told him that he had made his bed......now he could lie in it.....without me.
Since then, he and his on/off again girlfriend had gotten married - it didn't even last a year - she had a baby with another guy, and now they just darkened the door of divorce court. He tried to come back once again. I told him that what comes around goes around and that karma is a b i t c h and paybacks are hell. - Again, I told him to hit the bricks. That I just wasn't going to put up with any more lying or cheating. He then lied about his relationship with her and still continues to deny even being married to her.
- Well, one quick call to the Clerk of the District Court answered that question. - Yes, he had been married to her, and yes their divorce just got final. I confronted him with this information I had obtained and yet he continued to lie about it. I just told him to leave me alone, to uphold his legal obligations surrounding our legal agreement, and if he needed to contact me in reference to our legal business at hand, to go through my attorney. - I just don't have time for that sh*t.
- I just want to live my life and live it well. - and I am doing just that....without him. I want to fill my life with good things and good people. - Have fun things to look forward to and just live. Forget the second chances. Once someone hurts you, they will do it again if given the chance and life is just too short to deal with someone who won't make any effort to change for the better. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:05:50 AM | Relationships should (and need to) be equal.
Both sides need to be totally - counting their blessings to have the other in their life.
It is 11:00 am on Saturday. I could pick up the phone and have my ex-wife out on a "date" ...... if not today, within 2 or 3 days at the most. We would just end up in bed.
Since I have no interest in a FWB .... I don't pick up the phone.
She just up and dumped me six years ago - total shock. Both of her daughters that we had just raised (adults by then) were also totally shocked.
After being married to her for 17 years and three more years of >>> bed (she would just come over). I finally stopped picking up the phone when she called.
(read the first line again)
She would always feel she had the upper hand.
The main thought in this thread is ... KILL THE CONTACT.
Personally I will never (never ever) be lonely enough to knowingly be in a lop sided relationship ........... never.
If they did it once .................. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2009 3:17:38 PM | Those of you who feel relationships can be salvaged and should be pursued must realize one thing: For ANY relationship to work, BOTH people have to WANT it to work.
If you have been dumped and the dumper doesn't want to take you back, there IS NO SECOND CHANCE. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. You are simply delaying your own healing by trying to "convince" someone to love you.
The purpose of this thread is not to give false hopes or to destroy one's sense of hope. The true purpose is to get your head put back on straight so you can see your ex for the person he/she really is. To gain the proper perspective. To get you mentally healthy enough to say NO if that is what is best for you -- or to put you on the right grounds for a second chance to work.
That's all and nothing more.
You simply won't have a chance at a healthy relationship if you're pining and hurt over a breakup.
Certainly not with your ex OR anyone else for that matter. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:32:11 PM |
(Msg 1385) AS for throwing away a relationship and having to go thru another year to find someone else???? If the relationship don't work.why stay in the mess??
What I was referring to is some people feel it's relatively easy to find the "right" person. Often, it appears the ones who talk about not settling or advising others to wait for the one they can't live without or council kicking ones partner to the curb are people for whom a relationship is not a priority.
In other words it's ill-advised to suggest one end a relationship under the assumption they will find a better one. In most cases the choice is not between the present partner and a better partner. The choice is between the present partner and having no partner for an extended length of time.
For those who value the "couple lifestyle" there are many intangibles to be considered. Rather than concentrate on the one or two conflicts/differences/mistakes people are well advised to consider the benefits/enjoyment/ fulfillment they receive on a daily basis.
From what I've witnessed (blogs/forums/friends) the post break-up period ends up being more of a heartache than the cause of the break-up. That's definitely evident when a LTR/children are involved. From financial to emotional the change of lifestyle frequently results in big-time depression. Even for those who initiated the break-up the ego wars with reality. The after break-up struggles and loneliness take on a life of their own. The pain of the original transgression pales in light of the pain, day after day, caused by their unwillingness or inability to forgive and take a second chance. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/16/2009 10:09:49 AM | [In other words it's ill-advised to suggest one end a relationship under the assumption they will find a better one. In most cases the choice is not between the present partner and a better partner. The choice is between the present partner and having no partner for an extended length of time.
I can't imagine that it would be better to stay in a relationship that causes you constant pain, insecurities, mistrust.
It is never EASY to end a relationship where any feelings at all are involved.....but anytime a relationship hurts more than it makes you happy, anytime you feel as if you are the only one wanting it to work, you are giving so much more than you are getting, etc. It is just a matter of time before it dies a painful death...and drug out.
Maybe it is just me, but I would much rather have the band-aid ripped off fast versus the slow pain and burning.
I think everyone, even players must at sometime in their quiet hours regret things that they have done to harm another emotionally or otherwise. Being sorry does not always change the behavior...some just can't or won't put forth the effort.......or admit their part in it................and it is ultimately kinder to let the person go than continue to " abuse" the relationship.
I think EVERYONE in some aspects are looking for the one they can't live without, the spark, etc.
Then there are those of us that have had the spark, the one we can't or feel we can't live without. If we are blessed, it settles into not just the spark and infatuation stage, but into REAL, totally committed love affair that even death cannot change the feelings.
My late husband and I did not have an affair that started with the fireworks, etc. We were friends for several years before we became really involved. We knew each other inside and out, deep respect, consideration for each other......and all the other things that cemented the foundation laid for twenty of the most awesome years two people ever shared. It started as a slow ember and as the song says " the fire went wild!!"
I will NOT, after I have experienced that type of love, settle for someone that chooses to give me the scraps of his life.
I don't compare anyone, but I do know the difference between being in a relationship, friendship or otherwise that is one-sided and more detrimental to me than positive.
One must give and take and put the other first ( antiquated concept , though it may be).
Forgiving is not the issue to many...most have forgiven , and forgiven and forgiven.
To alot of people that just gives them the license to continue to abuse your good faith and love.
Every situation is different, but no one should be in a relationship that cause constant pain and confusion in their life. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/18/2009 6:57:39 PM |
(Msg 1390) I can't imagine that it would be better to stay in a relationship that causes you constant pain, insecurities, mistrust.
I agree. If the pain and insecurities, etc. were ongoing then the people have had their "second chances".
Going by the title "So you want a second chance?" I felt it referred to long term relationships that were going great and then, bang!, something happened. It's when people make a rash decision where I feel it's a mistake.
I think it's important one take a good look at the entire relationship. It's difficult to find the same comfort or familarity or contentment assuming they were there for an extended period of time. While forgiving isn't easy it's difficult to find that niche or "easiness" we all seek and I believe that leads to continued discontentment and, ultimately, bitterness. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/19/2009 9:24:31 PM | | I can't let go of my seven year boyfriend. I know it will be best but I don't want to live without him. Things were progressively worsening for a few months. I knew something had to change and was hoping for improvement not a break-up. He has broken up with me three times before. He always stayed in contact with me each time, saw me every weekend, although just as friends, Me? always waiting for the re-connect, the back-on signal. This time I'm doing it again. I don't know if he really wants to break up or if this is his way of dealing with his pent up frustration because he isn't good at talking about highly emotional problems. I have gained a lot of weight like 25 pounds, and this time he said it is a deal breaker, he is embarassed to be seen with me and is not attracted to me, he is also frustrated about other stuff. I knew I gained weight, but was to the point of getting serious and getting back in shape, which for me isn't too difficult, so now I am losing the weight, I even told him I will lose the weight. I just can't let go. He took most of his belongings from my place, there are still a couple of valuable items, but he is planning to remove those very soon. I feel like I never want him to remove everything because I at least have a connection to him if he has stuff at my place. I just don't get how after so long and working on staying together so hard this could have happened. I definitely want to keep him. But part of me knows letting go is best, or could someday prove to be. It is a lot of work to keep and please him, maybe I just got burned out, hence the weight gain. Really, if he loved me he wouldn't break up over that. I just can not come to terms with the reality that he probably doesn't love me, but then he never really leaves either. | |
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