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chezel
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Joined: 2/21/2006
Msg: 126 | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:27:40 PM | why thank you ..jar....likewise.. 
may be alone right now..but thats ok too...one day i will find a suitable one for me...til then i enjoy my life. 
an its friday...dancing time wooooooooohooooooooooooooo  lol | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/5/2006 3:38:39 PM | I wish I was in your neighborhood, as I would go with you daylillies...wooooo hoooo
You have the right idea... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/5/2006 9:20:44 PM | | Thanks...been in the process of trying to work on a second chance with my son's mother (she wants to take baby-steps, and start out as friends, after a year of nearly no contact, aside from court dates about child support and the like)...but I haven't let go, and find it hard to just accept the "just friends" part. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/5/2006 9:36:53 PM | amazing posts .... 
this probably has to be one the most informing threads that i have ever read on this site ... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/6/2006 9:44:38 AM |
Thanks...been in the process of trying to work on a second chance with my son's mother (she wants to take baby-steps, and start out as friends, after a year of nearly no contact, aside from court dates about child support and the like)...but I haven't let go, and find it hard to just accept the "just friends" part.
What do you mean "Just friends part?"
I don't think you can be friends with someone you are in love with because you will constantly hold out hope for a reconcilliation. In the meantime that person will be getting their needs met by someone else while you would be feeding their ego and not getting your own needs met.
Not healthy.
I hope it works out for you. Baby steps is the right way to do it. Whenever a reconcilliation occurs it has to be like starting all over again. Never be in a hurry to pick up where you left off because you will most assuredly end up where you left off. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/6/2006 11:10:35 AM | Thanks...been in the process of trying to work on a second chance with my son's mother (she wants to take baby-steps, and start out as friends, after a year of nearly no contact, aside from court dates about child support and the like)...but I haven't let go, and find it hard to just accept the "just friends" part.
jarbarian is right...you have to sort out your true feelings ...you might think you want her...but in realtiy...having a hard time lettin her go..an thats ok too...cause time will heal all wounds. cut all ties ...only repsonde for the child...use good judgement as to whats she askin for...dont let her manipulate you. good luck to you
and jarbarian...cut that out...ur brains turning me on....lol....omg...mental stimulation....what a feeling..(smile) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/6/2006 10:59:57 PM | Haha, thanks daylillies.
I think letting my ex go is what made me so much stronger. Now granted we're talking again but that doesn't mean we're getting back together. Heck, I know I love her but that doesn't mean we're right for each other. Time will tell.
In the meantime, try not to beat yourselves up over the situation you're in. The most important thing you can do is take what you have learned, improve yourself where you can and the next time someone comes along you'll be better equipped to have a healthy relationsip.
BTW, I do recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend as a must read for EVERYONE. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 2:24:12 AM | Well, she wants to be friends while she figures things out, which I agree, I don't feel that's possible. We had a little chat today, and I'm going to start out with the steps you advise, because it's been hurting too much. She was "nice" enough to tell me that she was keeping the engagement ring as a reminder "of how much we loved each other", and told me that she is "no longer in love" with me, but that she still loves me. (which, being a male, I don't know the difference)
I've always viewed being in love with someone as being lesser than loving someone, because you can fall out of love. I've compared it, in my mind, to being a blown-up version of an infatuation. But ultimately, the relationship failed because we didn't communicate, and I waited too long to try. (I'm trying not to focus on what she did wrong, because I can't change or improve that).
It's hard not to be in a hurry. She wants to go and date other people, and explore, basically...or at least, that's how I read her words, or how my male mind translates what she says. I'm very much of an introvert, and she told me that I needed to get a life (wouldn't disagree, spend too much time by myself) and that I should date other people. I'm still hoping for reconciliation, and holding onto someone who isn't holding onto me, and it's past time to move on, and let what happens, happen. Not going to be easy, since it's not like I can completely shut her out due to our son... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 4:08:35 AM | NICE. Jarbarian has my vote for public service effort. Most ppl think too much when they let their heart rule their brain. That's why they get confused, 'cause the heart doesn't think! On the other hand, the brain DOES feel.
Cool evening & morning skies this month, eh, Jarbarian? (Jupiter/Saturn/Moon/Mars/Castor-Pollux) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 5:39:29 AM | This was a great topic
some really great postings as well
Thank You to all and of course you Jar for taking the time to type
God bless
Gidget | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 9:41:29 AM |
Well, she wants to be friends while she figures things out, which I agree, I don't feel that's possible. We had a little chat today, and I'm going to start out with the steps you advise, because it's been hurting too much. She was "nice" enough to tell me that she was keeping the engagement ring as a reminder "of how much we loved each other", and told me that she is "no longer in love" with me, but that she still loves me. (which, being a male, I don't know the difference)
It means she lost her attraction to you. We're you clingy with her and lacked confidence?
I've always viewed being in love with someone as being lesser than loving someone, because you can fall out of love. I've compared it, in my mind, to being a blown-up version of an infatuation. But ultimately, the relationship failed because we didn't communicate, and I waited too long to try. (I'm trying not to focus on what she did wrong, because I can't change or improve that).
That's the right attitude. Changing yourself is all you have control over.
It's hard not to be in a hurry. She wants to go and date other people, and explore, basically...or at least, that's how I read her words, or how my male mind translates what she says. I'm very much of an introvert, and she told me that I needed to get a life (wouldn't disagree, spend too much time by myself) and that I should date other people. I'm still hoping for reconciliation, and holding onto someone who isn't holding onto me, and it's past time to move on, and let what happens, happen. Not going to be easy, since it's not like I can completely shut her out due to our son...
Follow the guide as best you can. Do try and connect with friends and have hobbies. A woman wants a man who is independent and not needy. If you are introverted that is something that will be hard to change. The best thing I've found is to find a hobby you like and can share with others. For me racing has been someting I connect with a lot of people on and gets me out of the house. Work out too if you can find the time. Exercise is good for the brain as well as the body.
Keep us updated! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 9:57:06 AM |
What the heck Jarbarian..... Your on this post site everyday it seems,
Owning my own business allows me a lot of free time during the day. God puts us on earth to help each other and that's what I'm trying to do. Why would you have an issue with that?
all you do is analize the heck out of everything, you have the world by the tail dont you.?,
I'm analytical by natures. I will say due to my own experiences in life I feel like I have a lot of information to share with others. I suppose if I knew it all I wouldn't need to be here, would I?
you seem to be a phyc major, though looking at your pic, dont think thats possible,
Not the slightest bit judgemental or opinionated, are you?
and sometimes your advice is very misleading.
For example???? If you're going to criticise someone's advice and say it's misleading, why not address the specific advice you feel is misleading?
Let me say this, you are NOT the speaker for us guys out here.
Another assumption on your part. I never claimed to be the speaker for all guys out there. I only speak from my own experiences. How you perceive the advice is your problem, not mine. I'm not seeking approval of my advice. It's out there for people who may benefit from it. Some will, some won't.
Some do not see things the way you do...its a free board to post on I suppose, but do you have to be so loud about it sometimes...??
Yes, it's a free board. So is advice. You get what you pay for, I suppose. Take the advice for what it's worth and try not to get so upset about it. I'm sure a lot of people disagree with me and I'm a-ok with that. If we all saw life through the same eyes we'd live in a very, very boring world.
These forums are getting so old, think I'll go back to the newspaper, all that seems to be on here anymore are Whiney guys who've been stepped on, opinioniated people like you who think you speak with authority for all males out here, and some woman who think that they are going to find the answers to problems listening to people who are not qualified to give advice on mental issues......
Well then I suppose that would make you a hypocrite since you seem to be very opinionated, assumptuous, insult others and you knows who speaks for all males and who doesn't. Let me ask you, since you claim to know what advice is sound or not, what are YOUR qualifications to dismiss other's advice?
Do you even know what the word advice means? Do you realize we all have opinions but there is no specific advice that will solve everyone's situation? Did you even read the disclaimer I wrote at the beginning of this thread? Do you even know WHERE my advice comes from?
It seems to me you're just whining and ****ing, like you claim everyone else is doing....
If you don't like the advice nobody is twisting your arm to take it. This is, after all, a forum for advice on dealing with a broken heart. Or did you forget that?
Have fun with your newspaper and Dolphin blankie.  | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/7/2006 10:38:36 AM | | Of course, now I have to figure out what to say when she calls me, and wants to do something as a family (i.e. wants to know if I want to go to the park with her and my son). Can't figure out if I should be saying no, make myself busy, or be willing to go... | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/7/2006 11:50:03 AM | Thank you for your posted advice! It was very helpful, but I think it may be too late for me.
My boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago, and I have not been able to let go. My ex went to school near where I live...which was away from his home (4 hours away). He went back home to live with his parents for the summer before he comes back here to start the next semester of school. One of his reasons for breaking up was because he said he didn't want a girlfriend right now, and didnt want to cut his trips short from home. He also didnt think we would be able to be together in the sumer beacuse of the distance. However, he said that he would still like to remain on amicable terms and still hang out when the mood strikes us, and that he plans to try to get me back. After the break up, we hung out a couple of times, but it was hard for me and I would just end up crying and trying to talk things out with him, which i think pushed him further away. The last time we got together I told him he is the one that I want to be with, so he told me to wait, but also couldn't promise me not to fool around with other girls and stuff. He told me he thinks I relied on him too much emotionally..which could be true, but he was my first real love, so it has been very hard ot let go. He was supposed to be coming up here for a visit this weekend, but never called. Do you think it's too late? Have I screwed up my chances by acting clingy after the breakup? Any advice would be grately appreciated! | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/7/2006 8:58:16 PM |
Do you think it's too late? Have I screwed up my chances by acting clingy after the breakup? Any advice would be grately appreciated!
You don't mention how old either of you are, but I would guess young.
The best thing you can do is read the guide and give him space and time to miss you. No matter what happens any clinginess or latching on to someone that is pulling away will just force them away from you even more.
It's going to take some time of no contact before he might be open to exploring again. In the meantime catch up with friends, go to the gym, indulge in hobbies, etc. Do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied so you don't think of him so much.
There's no sure-fire way to make an ex come back. But there is a sure fire way to keep them away from you and that's to continue contacting them when they want space.
Best of luck. | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/7/2006 10:01:27 PM | as a side-note, jab, you can always click on that handy "View Profile" and see how old they are  | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/8/2006 1:17:10 PM | | Hey, thanks for the reply. I myself and 23, my ex is 26. He was just the first guy that I really loved. I'm trying the no contact/give him space approach now to see if anything happens. Thanks again! :) | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/8/2006 7:47:14 PM | Paul, you got it.
VanCityGal, chalk a lot of that up to age. Give him space, follow the guide. It won't happen overnight and takes time but if his heart changes it will only be after he has had time to miss you. | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/8/2006 8:29:07 PM | | Thanks jarbarian...I'll give him space, won't be back until September anyways. Hope it works though! :) | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/8/2006 8:59:45 PM | Jarbarian, just wanted to drop a note and thank you for your guide, which I printed out to keep.
I read a bunch of self-help books and your advice is better than many I've paid to buy the book to get.
Please don't let some grinch curtail your postings, I just came to this board after my boyfriend dumped me, and found a lot of help here. The longer posts, which people have thought out, are much more helpful than people who post one paragraph, generally.
I wish people wouldn't criticize others for posting too often. Without people like you, who take the time to post and think through their writings, the board would just be a collection of a few sentence-long postings and no deep thought.
It's always good if people do have the time to start a thread and then continue interacting on it, it gives some continuity. Also, after my boyfriend dumped me, I was panicking from thinking about being without him, and coming here and finding a community really helped me not to jump into a rebound.
Also, just wanted to especially thank you for that advice about not reading the ex's blogs etc. My ex posted heavily on some forums (not this one) and going and reading what he was posting would have just made me feel lonelier...that was good advice you gave and thank you for it, I hadn't seen that in any of the self-help books I'd read.
BTW, still wanting to find out whether you had your reunion and how it went. I wish you well and whoever this lady is, I hope she deserves you, because you have a gift for thinking about emotional places and writing about them that few men have, I believe.
Take care. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/9/2006 8:15:43 AM | | the first thing, don't make him seem that u can't live without him..u can do better, its his loss if he hasn't called or anything, just let it take time because my ex never called me for over 4 months and he called me out of the blue..so don't feel bad ok bye | |
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| Is it too late?
Posted: 5/9/2006 8:26:33 AM |
BTW, still wanting to find out whether you had your reunion and how it went. I wish you well and whoever this lady is, I hope she deserves you, because you have a gift for thinking about emotional places and writing about them that few men have, I believe.
We couldn't get our schedules together so it didn't happen this past weekend. She left me a vm on Friday night that we'd have to reschedule. So I'll leave it to her to do that. I'm not going to chase.
I appreciate the kind words. The main reason I posted this thread was to try and pass along some of the information I have learned. It doesn't mean this guide is the "bible" of winning an ex back. As with any piece of advice you receive, take it with a grain of salt. If all break ups were the same then we could guarantee certain results.
But like no two snowflakes are alike, neither or people or relationships. All the want people to get from the guide is an idea of how to recover as quickly as possible, focus on yourself, your needs and areas you can improve upon and then figure out what it is you want.
Often times when we improve ourselves we're not attracted to the person who dumped us in the first place -- and learn they did us a favor :) | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/10/2006 8:24:03 AM | Love the guidelines and it's something that I naturally do for myself. My last bf wanted to cling on and still be friends. We had a bunch of mutual friends and I have stepped back from it all and have created a new life for myself.
I have never has the desire to keep in touch with exbf's and never give second chances. There is a reason why the relationship didn't work out in the first place. Every relationship is a learning experience too....... | |
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