|
|
|
|
|
| |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/10/2006 3:23:32 PM |
I have never has the desire to keep in touch with exbf's and never give second chances. There is a reason why the relationship didn't work out in the first place. Every relationship is a learning experience too.......
I do believe that people can change/mature/grow over time. That's partly why there's such a high divorce rate for people who get married young. As they mature their taste change and find they aren't attracted to that person anymore.
FWIW, we're having lunch on Friday. I don't expect anything. I'm just going in with the goal of having fun, keeping it light, having a good time and seeing where it goes from there. I'll be a smiling fool because, well -- I'm happy and confident :) | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/10/2006 7:06:06 PM | Jar, I am happy for you that she re-scheduled, and I hope that it goes well. I am still against the coupon book, but that is a different thread!
Regarding the previous posts, while I admire the people who can cut ties, never look back and never give second chances, my backbone is too bendy for that!
I think that they're right, there's a reason that it didn't work out, but I also agree with Jar that people can change...and the change will NOT come about without some alone time reflecting what went wrong, what one's own part in it was, and how to change.
I think if BOTH people have reflected on the relationship, both people want to try again, and both people are willing to sacrifice, make changes, and do "whatever it takes" to make the relationship work, then that relationship can not only be stronger from a second chance, but there will be absolutely no derailing it this time.
I married my first husband after breaking up for about 6 months, and a chance remark he made to a friend of mine about wanting to see me was told to me...and it was much better.
Good luck to everyone from the countryside cat...both to those who don't look back, and those still trying to "win back"... | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/11/2006 8:35:12 AM | Thanks. I'm not going to do the coupon book for now. She's still dating someone and pressing her for any time would be tantamount to suicide. The fact that she WANTS to see me is good enough (in all three voicemail messages she left me last week she repeated that she was looking forward to hanging out and wanted to see me). So we'll see how it goes. I'm not being pushy with her or pressing her for any time.
I'm just going to be the confident, happy, secure guy that I am and let the chips fall where they may. | |
|
shahtx
|
Joined: 5/6/2006
Msg: 155 | |
| |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/11/2006 3:52:46 PM | Wow, THREE voicemail messages, okay, apparently she is very much wanting to see you and she didn't cancel to back out. That is really good.
I wonder, could you be a little elusive and hard-to-get? As you say, being confident, happy, secure is good, but also being Really Busy so you don't just drop everything to see her whenever it's good for her schedule, have her missing you and for goodness sakes don't let her think you are waiting by the phone for her.
This is advice women usually give each other to "catch a guy" but I think it works in your situation also! I'm just thinking it might be good if she had a chance to pine over you and miss you and wonder what you were doing...
I agree on the coupon book. Good decision Jarbar. Baby steps, one thing at a time. First you get together, and it is just light and breezy, a pleasant lunch, nothing heavy about "relationships" etc. Maybe after a few pleasant meetings then you do the coupon book thingie.
Good luck, take care. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/11/2006 4:25:21 PM | Wow, THREE voicemail messages, okay, apparently she is very much wanting to see you and she didn't cancel to back out. That is really good.
She did cancel on the third voicemail but also suggested next week. Get this. She couldn't go to lunch last week because her work decided to change an afternoon meeting to a lunch meeting. So since her current guy was going out of town on the afternoon of her birthday she asked me if I wanted to hang out after and ride motorcycles -- only she wasn't sure if he fixed her bike. (She mentioned this in the first 2 messages). Well on the third message she said "Not sure it will be done in time tomorrow so rather than be a flake let's meet sometime next week." She also mistakenly called him by MY name, caught herself and got VERY nervous.
I wonder, could you be a little elusive and hard-to-get? As you say, being confident, happy, secure is good, but also being Really Busy so you don't just drop everything to see her whenever it's good for her schedule, have her missing you and for goodness sakes don't let her think you are waiting by the phone for her.
Well in fairness I haven't been calling her back every time or right away and I normally can't get back to her via email for hours. In fact, after she left the last VM on Friday night I didn't get back to her until lunchtime Tuesday to reschedule. I'm being as elusive, happy and confident as I can be (and am!). I didn't jump to schedule anything right away and in fact I've said more than once "If we can't work out something with our schedules we can always do it some other time."
This is advice women usually give each other to "catch a guy" but I think it works in your situation also! I'm just thinking it might be good if she had a chance to pine over you and miss you and wonder what you were doing...
I don't think it will be possible for her to pine over me unless she gets to see the improvements I've made in my life. Also she is dating someone right now so it makes it easier for her to keep her mind off me. But I believe once we meet as long as I stick to my improvements, make it fun, happy and basically be the attractive guy she liked in the first place I just have to leave it to fate. I won't be upset if this doesn't work out. I firml believe that I am the right guy for her and don't feel I need to prove it any longer. She'll either see it or she won't but no amount of pressure from my side will make a difference. I just have to be me :)
I agree on the coupon book. Good decision Jarbar. Baby steps, one thing at a time. First you get together, and it is just light and breezy, a pleasant lunch, nothing heavy about "relationships" etc. Maybe after a few pleasant meetings then you do the coupon book thingie.
That's the plan. I just want to see how the lunch goes. I'll definitely make it fun, light, breezy and pleasant. After that it's one day at a time. If there is still a spark there I'll let her light the fire and continue with my schedule and life as is. It's plenty fulfilling and fun. I don't NEED anyone in my life. I still love her but don't need her. :) | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/11/2006 8:18:33 PM | Hey there Jar,
Sorry I don't know how to quote previous posts so I will just put in my two cents worth by typing bits of your post:
Oh My Goodness! She called HIM by YOUR name!!!!????!!!! Quel Freudian Slip!!! I am laughing myself silly over that!
Her subconscious saying something like, she wants YOU to be the boyfriend fixing her motorcycle?? Hahahah. That's priceless.
And, I think it means good news for you. Hang in there.
I think that is PERFECT that you didn't return her Friday call till Tuesday. Excellent!!! Let her wonder what you were so busy with Friday, Sat, and Sunday...That's really good.
As an older divorced woman, I want to respectfully disagree that her having a b/f will keep her mind off of you. When my marriage was breaking up I thought about other people all the time. I think if you're in a bad relationship you may think about other people even more, because it's more pleasant than contemplating the dreaded dire morass of your present failing relationship and thinking about all the mistakes you made!
Now, one more quick point, I don't know you and as an older living-far-away lady please don't take this as anything as the compliment I mean it, (i.e. I'm not hitting on you) but I don't see why you would need to show her any improvements...your picture looks great, you're obviously from your writings very intelligent, thoughtful, a deep thinker, obviously physically fit and have many interests...what's not to like? Unless you used to be a drooling pothead or something.
I'm just saying I think maybe how you think of yourself is a little lower than others would think of you, and that if you could bring your self-image and self-confidence up a little bit to be more in line with reality, and know and believe yourself to be a great catch, that might be good.
 | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 7:54:50 AM | | I just wanted to tell you again how much I love the post. Two weeks ago today I broke up with my b/f and it wasn't a good ending. He said some hurtful things as well as did I. He left and I flew home. We haven't spoken to each other since. I trying trying trying not to contact him but I just want to be a clingy g/f who says I love you. I guess part of me if afraid that if I don't contact him to tell him how I feel and how sorry I am he will move on without me while on the other hand have not moved on without him. I just don't get how after being with someone for a while (3years) you can just not call them and at least say goodbye. So almost everyday I read your post just when I pick up the phone to call him. Thanks! | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 8:15:56 AM | Jesiebunnies, I don't understand that either.
I know everybody says not to call or have contact, but, I think after a long relationship such as yours, you're entitled to one phone call.
Then, if he's a jerk, it will help you move on, and if he's nice you won't have that nagging doubt about whether you should have made one last contact.
Of course, the circumstances of the breakup my influence this...
But I just don't see how one phone call would be considered clingy. One phone call a day, yes, stalker---but one phone call after 2 weeks doesn't seem to be excessive.
Take care,
Cat | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 8:19:21 AM | | Thanks for the words your the best! Yes, I agree that there needs to be some finalization or some end which either way it goes. I may call him tonight. I figure 2 weeks has been long enough for us to cool down and sort through some emotions. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 8:22:20 AM |
Sorry I don't know how to quote previous posts so I will just put in my two cents worth by typing bits of your post:
The instructions are right above the smilies when you reply. Just place the word quote in brackets to start what you want to quote then close to /quote in brackets when done :)
Oh My Goodness! She called HIM by YOUR name!!!!????!!!! Quel Freudian Slip!!! I am laughing myself silly over that!
Her subconscious saying something like, she wants YOU to be the boyfriend fixing her motorcycle?? Hahahah. That's priceless.
And, I think it means good news for you. Hang in there.
I hope so. When I heard her say that I nearly fell off my chair. And when she caught herself it was like she couldn't believe she said that!
I think that is PERFECT that you didn't return her Friday call till Tuesday. Excellent!!! Let her wonder what you were so busy with Friday, Sat, and Sunday...That's really good.
Not falling all over her...I used to do that. Bad, bad man.
As an older divorced woman, I want to respectfully disagree that her having a b/f will keep her mind off of you. When my marriage was breaking up I thought about other people all the time. I think if you're in a bad relationship you may think about other people even more, because it's more pleasant than contemplating the dreaded dire morass of your present failing relationship and thinking about all the mistakes you made!
Well she said he treats her well so I have to take her for her word.
Now, one more quick point, I don't know you and as an older living-far-away lady please don't take this as anything as the compliment I mean it, (i.e. I'm not hitting on you) but I don't see why you would need to show her any improvements...your picture looks great, you're obviously from your writings very intelligent, thoughtful, a deep thinker, obviously physically fit and have many interests...what's not to like? Unless you used to be a drooling pothead or something.
I was a door mat with her. She called me "soft and clingy" with her. That's what I've changed about myself. It took a lot of reprogramming but I figured out WHY and then nipped it at the bud.
I'm just saying I think maybe how you think of yourself is a little lower than others would think of you, and that if you could bring your self-image and self-confidence up a little bit to be more in line with reality, and know and believe yourself to be a great catch, that might be good.
That's what I've been trying to project. I don't think I am less than anyone else. I don't get jealous of her b/f ("A man who loves himself will have no rivals"), I know what I have to offer her or anyone else. The issue is though I have let go a lot, I still need some to give it one last shot so that I can put any reconcilliation to rest. I won't wait for her forever.
Thanks again! | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 1:10:47 PM | Well we went to lunch. The new guy asked her to marry him and she said she isn't sure yet. She barely knows him (5 months). Obviously she just wanted to hang out and see how I am doing. But they have talked about kids and such.
She did say it again "I don't know what God has in store for me" and she's always said "If we're meant to be it will happen."
That was at the end of the lunch. For almost all of the lunch I kept it light, kept her laughing and we had a good time.
I guess now it will be easier to let her go.
The good part is that I didn't falter. Never got emotional at all with her. I was able to smile and laugh and have a good time. I did tell her that while I am happy for her I am disappointed it's not me. But I also said "I'll be great and I'll move on. I can't wait for you."
It was a good conversation and I am glad we both got a lot of things out. No begging, pleading or otherswise criticising her or her new BF. I told her I wanted her to be happy. She said "I'm not sure what love is because I thought I have been so many times and I am not sure..."
Thanks for all the support. At least now I know where I stand. And she knows I won't be waiting around.
Cheers! | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:11:23 PM | Jarbar,
I am really disappointed. I am very proud of you for your demeanor through the lunch, it truly takes a strong man to have maintained through her telling you that. But, I am very disappointed in her. If she's so unsure what love is, why is she marrying this guy and talking about having kids?
But, as you say, the good thing is, you said what you wanted to say, you maintained your demeanor, strength and pride, and perhaps at least you can be glad that her last memory is going to be of your telling her you won't wait anymore, instead of a clingy guy like you used to be.
I am super impressed that you have done all this and moved on from the place you were in before. I am probably going to be reading all those books you cite, even the one which is for guys, because my ex-b/f accused me of being clingy also, and I want to make sure I'm not.
If I may just say too, Thank Goodness you didn't give her the coupon book. Thank goodness for that!!! Oooof. That's the silver lining in this cloud, maybe! :)
I hope you are okay and not feeling too blue. I don't think I would have handled an ex-boyfriend talking about marriage and children with somebody else very well.
Please email or post any time if you are wanting to get anything off your chest and accept the Countryside Cat's wishes for a recovery from this sad chapter in your life. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:23:11 PM | Thanks CSK!
I posted my replies over on the the other thread.
And yes, it stung like hell to hear that today but I've built up my strength, courage and confidence to the point that now I can handle anything in a calm, rational fashion without getting upset, angry or in tears over it. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:34:37 PM | Keep the faith bro. 
Congrats on your strength and convictions, and never lose those. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:57:38 PM | Thanks Montreal Guy! This guide helped a lot. I have to be able to let go to have her back and that's pretty much what I've done.
I'll be praying a lot, that's for sure.... | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:58:00 PM | Jarbarian,
This is my first ever post, but I have to say that I have been following this thread daily, and it has truly inspired me, and helped me immensely since my gf split with me. I'm glad i found the rules you posted, as I have tried to abide by them and this I feel the need to say thanks!!
1 day at a time, some days are better than others, but I'm keeping strong, and this forum has helped. Living in Canada, but being a Brit (moved here from England 2 yrs ago) and meeting the Canadian girl of my dreams (it took me 34 yrs and 3000 miles to find her), since the split, moving back to England for the comfort of friend and family seems the easy choice to run away back home but I'm staying. I'm trying to let go, no contact and keep my job safe (the main reason I moved to Canada), so thanks, and keep up the mannificient advice. I'm sure other Canadian girls will fall for my British accent !!! Cheers. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 10:02:08 PM |
Jarbarian,
This is my first ever post, but I have to say that I have been following this thread daily, and it has truly inspired me, and helped me immensely since my gf split with me. I'm glad i found the rules you posted, as I have tried to abide by them and this I feel the need to say thanks!!
1 day at a time, some days are better than others, but I'm keeping strong, and this forum has helped. Living in Canada, but being a Brit (moved here from England 2 yrs ago) and meeting the Canadian girl of my dreams (it took me 34 yrs and 3000 miles to find her), since the split, moving back to England for the comfort of friend and family seems the easy choice to run away back home but I'm staying. I'm trying to let go, no contact and keep my job safe (the main reason I moved to Canada), so thanks, and keep up the mannificient advice. I'm sure other Canadian girls will fall for my British accent !!! Cheers.
Neil I am sorry things didn't work out for you. Just keep the faith and keep working on the guide. It will help if you stick to it.
I don't know what is going to happen with me and the ex but I do know one thing. No matter what happens, I WILL BE FINE :)
Good luck and keep us updated on your progress. There seems to be plenty of beautiful, available women in Canada. Work that accent :) | |
|
| |
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 11:09:56 PM |
20 bucks says he's being emotionally strong out by HIS OTHER EX any takers?!
Who? Her current guy? He hadn't dated anyone for 6 years before he met her. He told her that because of his career he didn't want to get serious with anyone (He's an 0311 in the USMC).
I just have to wonder though. Why her and why now? Something isn't right. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 11:21:24 PM | As always good advice J. You're saving me $$ on a counsellor!!! Might have to take a trip to the book-store (when I've finished Da Vinci Code!) to purchase some of your recommended reads.
No.2 in your guide, NO CONTACT, so with your ex, why the contact still?? Are you confident of her coming back?? This is the main focus of the guide for me at the mo. Although stupidly (before i started reading this thread) I wrote a letter (nice, not any negative comments) saying it would be easier for me if we ceased contact altogether) to help me in the long term. Shouldn't have announced n/c, I know..
But, a moment of weakness, 2 weeks ago (we've been split since March 17th - St Paddy's Day - luck of the bloody Oirish - she's half Irish too - irony eh!), i sent her some flowers - simple message, "missing you - love Neil! xx). She phoned next day, but i let it go to my vm, to say thanks, but it sounded like a strained thanks, and since then, no contact at all. It's difficult not to phone, but I'm being a typical strong upper lipped Brit, and keeping the faith.
Cheers again, and at least in 4 weeks, the World Cup in coming up, so that will keep me busy, cmon England. If they win the World Cup, she may contact me, as she knows I'm a fottie nut (she loved to try to imitate my accent) but England win the World Cup, was that a flying pig???? Cheers J. | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/12/2006 11:26:07 PM |
As always good advice J. You're saving me $$ on a counsellor!!! Might have to take a trip to the book-store (when I've finished Da Vinci Code!) to purchase some of your recommended reads.
The books are good reads, I highly recommend them.
No.2 in your guide, NO CONTACT, so with your ex, why the contact still?? Are you confident of her coming back?? This is the main focus of the guide for me at the mo. Although stupidly (before i started reading this thread) I wrote a letter (nice, not any negative comments) saying it would be easier for me if we ceased contact altogether) to help me in the long term. Shouldn't have announced n/c, I know..
At some point you have to restablish contact. The hope is that the S/O will do that. But you need a good amount of time apart. My ex had emailed me several times over the course of the past 5 months. To me that said she was still interested in maintaining contact but I wasn't ready then.
And yes, with NC you don't announce it. You just do it.
But, a moment of weakness, 2 weeks ago (we've been split since March 17th - St Paddy's Day - luck of the bloody Oirish - she's half Irish too - irony eh!), i sent her some flowers - simple message, "missing you - love Neil! xx). She phoned next day, but i let it go to my vm, to say thanks, but it sounded like a strained thanks, and since then, no contact at all. It's difficult not to phone, but I'm being a typical strong upper lipped Brit, and keeping the faith.
Hang in there. I don't know the circumstances of why you broke up though. I would like to hear the story.
Cheers again, and at least in 4 weeks, the World Cup in coming up, so that will keep me busy, cmon England. If they win the World Cup, she may contact me, as she knows I'm a fottie nut (she loved to try to imitate my accent) but England win the World Cup, was that a flying pig???? Cheers J.
Not much of a football fan here but I do tend to favor the Brits when I do watch.
Cheers! | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:38:59 AM | Cheers J,
Will take a trip to the bookstore tomorrow, but with so many recommended reads, which would be the best - my circumstance, is to get over her and move on, with the slim hope she realises what she's missing.??
About re-establshing contact, but surely, if you go 5 months, and your s/o hasn't contacted you, that's a tell-tale sign?? Then if you make the contact, thus breaking rule 2, and you get the cold shoulder, "you're the past buddy", then it's likely to take you back to virtually day 1 again, especially if for the 5 months, you've been clinging to the slim hope that she will realise "man I miss him" ? It's been 2 months since we split, 4 weeks since we spoke, and 2 weeks that I stoopidly sent the flowers. OK, I know, I should let go, rule 1 before 2!!
Why we split - in a nutshell, as not to bore anyone. Met 9 months ago, became inseperable, she's a nurse so works long unsociable hours, spent all our free time together, I don't drive, she lives 20 miles away and drives a crappy car which kept breaking down, thus the onus was on her to do the travelling (which she said she never minded, i always gave her petrol money).
So the times we couldn't be together frustrated me, and i let her know this, and my insecurity (being so far away from home), each time we had a slight disagreement, I would threaten (though no real intention) to call it quits and move back home to England. This happended 3 or 4 times, upset her severley each time.
We spoke, I promised not to say it again as it upset her, then St Paddy's night, after a few too many brews, I said it again. This time she flipped as I broke my promise. Had a tearful farewell, me thinking a few days later she would calm down. SPoke on phone for a few times after, she very angry, said that's it. Short-story long. 2 months later, I feel like I've let her down, as I went bak on my promise. Not seen her since. Sent flowers, sent card announcing n/c. Broken heart, trying to follow the rules.
That's the story morning glory!! Cheers | |
|
| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/13/2006 6:43:28 AM | Tried the second chance route, finding I walked on egg shells, I am not a quitter in a relationship. Now realized I was changing to suit his demands, and he was playing head games. It wasn't me, but him.... he has some deep seated issues. The last breakup was his doing again. He wanted as he said, a girlfriend, boyfriend relationship without the commitment. Come to the point in seeing it's his lost, and I am now hopeful to find a stable, good man in my life.
Good luck everyone!
Jan | |
|
|
| Page 7 of 56
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41 |
|
Home
login 
