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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/18/2006 7:57:27 PM | He won't give your stuff back so he'll have an excuse to contact you. When HE wants, on HIS time. Who needs it?
I'm with Jarbarian, unless we are talking your grandmother's heirlooms, you should just forget your stuff and keep his.
Cat | |
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BeaBea
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Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 202 | |
| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/19/2006 8:22:18 AM | We have been together for three years. We click right away and decided to work to become a union together one day (this decision came on the third day we met). There are things that needed to be smooth out before we get married. We both work very hard and support each other towards this goal. About two months ago, all out problems are pretty much worked out. We started to move forward much faster than before. I have always been very comfortable and trusted him, because I can see and feel that we are working together as partners. My life is so much entwine with his because of that. But now I don't know how to separate them back. My stuff at his place are my heart. I put them there because those are the things I will need in the future. Some are my presicious irreplaceable past, some represents my dreams and some are for our future.
I went over there before he got off work yesterday. I tried to pick my stuff out and I found that I have so much at his place! I couldn't take them all at once, but I took the irreplaceable belongings. But most other stuff represent my heart, my dreams and my goals too, what should I do?
I am still in denial. I don't know how I can do this! For three years I have worked so my life is with him, where do I start to pick myself out? I grow in time with him and almost all of the things I do now has his face in it.
Also I still break down infront of him as well, I could't do the no contact thing, I am started to serious consider the let him go thing. But I waver and brake down every two second. Sometimes I think I may be just doing the clingy thing and push it to a point of no return, sometimes I just plainly have no confidence.
I think to him, the point of no return was already the reality. He asked me to go and sort out the things together on saturday so he can mourn as well. What should I do? How am I going to do either? | |
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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/19/2006 8:35:32 AM | Trust me on this. Clinging to them for dear life will only push them away further. No contact is the way to go. Even if you are to never get another chance with him at least with no contact you would be healing much faster than with him giving you tiny little pieces of unfounded hope.
You don't want that.
If you have self-respect you won't hang around for any little crumb of attention he will give you. Get whatever stuff you can from him and walk away with your head held high. Rebuild your confidence and self-esteem.
There will be someone else in your life. I promise you that. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/19/2006 8:56:09 AM | | thank you so much for reaffirming things I should be doing. I have been separated for almost a year to the date. I have taken 22 years of abuse, and the lack of a man who could actually act like a husband to me or a father to my sons. I could never get him to leave and after a bad incident I forcefully had him removed. We have been quite friendly over the last year, (MISTAKE) there have been good moments and... a lot of verbal abuse. Just the other day I figured out that he started dating and completely lost my mind. I know that I had a very bad relationship, but that just freaked me out. I think that I have already done every step that you have said, never to do, just in the past 24 hours. I think that I had an out of body experience when I did things that don't fit the person I really am. It is really scary what love... if that is truly what it is can do to you. I joined this web site yesterday and I know that I am not ready to date. I have been much to hurt. But, number 12 was the thing that hit me the hardest- I haven't been allowed to be me for the past 22 years that I don't know how to be me again. I was bouncy, bubbly, sweet, kind, never showed anger, never held a grudge, loved life, loved being active, loved to laugh, loved affection and loved being with people all the time. Can I ever get that back. And on top of that, my butt has gotten really big. So how can I believe that someone else can love me? | |
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BeaBea
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Joined: 5/17/2006
Msg: 205 | |
| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/19/2006 9:12:46 AM | There is another issue that made me clingy to him as well. This person betrayed me, but he is also the person who taught me what integrity is. I know that maybe all of you now think that I am so blind. But I bet the differ. In three years, we have worked together and supported each other. There are many temptations, and road blocks. I dont just take his words for his integrity. I have seen how he deal with not just me but other things and friends as well. Now he is truely messed up and I don't want to give up on him as we are partners. Maybe it's just an excuse.
It just so hard to move on because in my terms, move on means with him towards our goals. | |
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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/20/2006 2:10:50 PM | Hey everyone,
Just joined the site. I've been reading some of the conversations on second chance and there are some pretty interesting points of view. I myself just got dumped by a man who I was dating for approximately 10 months and was "really in love with me and wanted to marry me. He was supposed to get me an engagement ring this summer and he had been looking and then he accused me of lying to him about something, and Obviously I didn't lie and he broke off with me. He told me to come get my stuff and get out of his life. He didn't even give me a chance to explain. Three weeks later, I went to his house to drop off some of his stuff - cuz i don't want them and we talked, he said he loved me still, but during the three weeks apart he was trying to forget about me and also realized that he didn't see me coming, and was not prepared for me and marriage, and got cold feet. He needs some space to think about things and why he is confused, but wants me to still keep in contact with me . We both decided that we wouldn't see other people. I left it at that and I haven't contacted him or heard from him in over a week. His father contacted me and said that his son loves me and that he is just confused right now, but he should come around. My question is why do guys that I date always want me so much at the beginning, are telling me how much they love me, etc. and then they develop some commitment phobia. Could I being doing something to contributed to this? I mean, I dated 3 guys in a row that are like this. What's up? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/21/2006 6:18:55 PM | hello I just joint this site I have read the 13 steps over and over, well let me tall you my story I have been with my ex for 5 years (well is was going to be 6 this 25 of may)we met young she was 20 and i was 21, we have two boys one 4 and the other 2 everything was going great but for the past six month we were arguing a lot constantly the issues were my job the fact that I work overnight was killing her I had to work overnight because as was making more money than working days and the fact that some times I had to work 10 hrs a night, and when I got home all I wanted to do is sleep and when I wake up Is to eat and be with my kids and go back to work she wanted me to change that but like I was allways was telling her we need it the money and the fact that she is not working I could n't quit she was looking for a job the past month but most of the job that she was accept it in did not work out with my schedule or with the kids, the other issue was when we decided to have a second kid we move in with my parents and we agree on it because we couldn't pay and apartment just with my sallary and that we were going to do it for only 2 years, she was tired of living with my parents and wanted to move out we had plans of doing that this septemebr of this year to solve that problem or when she gets a job the other problem were her three friends that never like me for differents reasons and they were allways telling her that she is beatiful and she could get any man that she wanted and that she should dump me that I am a loser and that I was never going to leave my parents.
well in the begining of march of this year the arguing grew more and she was acting really weird when i woke up from sleeping sometimes she wasn't at my house and when I call her she allways telling me that she was at the park or her friends house I had allwasys trusted her but from that point on I did not most of the times she was with her friends like she was telling me but one day she wasn't so I got tired because and confronted her because I thought that she was cheating on me but she told me no and that she was going to her friends because she was thinking of leaving me and she told me that we need to get to a maraige consouling and move out from my parents or she will leave me that shock me and I beg her not to leave me and that I was going to do everything that she wanted it, for three days that she did not see her friends we were great I have my the appoitment to see the marriage counselar and I had apply for apartments and we were great until she talk to her friends again and told me that she need sometime away from me and got so angry that I told her to leave with her friends I she things that she is better with them she told me whatever I had to go to work so we did not finish the talk and then the next day I discover that she was cheating on me with a married man that her friends new andintroduce to her Thatreally destroy my life she was everything for me I love her a lot the way I discovered is was throuhgt her email that day I got out of work early. Well since 1st april (april fools) were being apart no contact she got me a harrasing restrainig order and child support and custody after I call her friends to tell me where she is so I could talk to me ex but they told me to stop calling them that she has already another man I have seeing her or my kids until this may 17 I got a court order so I could see my kids o weekends when I so her in court she was sad and nervous I really wanted to talk to her but her friends were her body guards.
I don't know was I going to happen but the things is after a month I realise that when I saw her that court day I still love her i guess my problem is I don't know if to give us a second chance or not I will really like for her to make the first move but I the same time I am affraid that she is not going to do anything until I do something, beacuse a good friend of me that had talk to her had tall me that she afraid to talk to me that why she got me the harrasing restraining order and that her friends talk her that I said that I want to hurt her.
Well this is my story quite long but thatnk u to anyone that had the time to read it I will be waiting for yours advice and I will listen to all the advice you guys could give me and really want to things to work out between me and her beacuse i had feelings for her and beacuse of my two kids that I know how divorced kids grow up and is not the best of life | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/22/2006 5:34:04 PM | | well she said to the court that I have trying to take my kids to another state which is a lie and her friends also said that I have try to hit her shich is a lie that's why I have a harrasing restraining order. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/22/2006 6:20:53 PM | | thats great advice...the way I see it, if a man can let me go so easily...he doesn't deserve me. Yes it hurts when you break up with someone, but there is so much out there.... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 8:32:05 AM | Thanks all.
I just wanted to clarify something that I don't believe I did when I originally posted this:
"YOU MUST FOLLOW THE GUIDE AND BE DISCIPLINED ABOUT IT FOR IT TO WORK."
In other words you can't just do half of it, or 1/4 or it even 11 out of 12. You have to be disciplined to follow every step to a "T" or it will take you longer to heal and when/if a second chance occurs, you won't be ready.
Best of luck!!! | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 12:47:00 PM | jarbarian, one more question for you. I was the one who you answered a question for at the bottom of page 8. Since I work at a store, where my ex comes in a couple times a week, I was wondering what I should do about the "no contact" rule. We don't actually talk, but we do see a glimpse of each other every once inawhile and it is very difficult for me to get ahold of myself when I see her, my heart feels like it's up in my throat. It's hard to recover when I see her like this. How do I follow this rule since I really can't? I'm doing my best to stay away from the areas where I might get a glimpse of her though.
Also, with this same no contact rule, if I do manage to barely not see her for a couple months, what should I do then? Attempt to talk to her, or just stay away? See how she acts, then make a decision based off that? | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 12:55:24 PM |
jarbarian, one more question for you. I was the one who you answered a question for at the bottom of page 8. Since I work at a store, where my ex comes in a couple times a week, I was wondering what I should do about the "no contact" rule. We don't actually talk, but we do see a glimpse of each other every once inawhile and it is very difficult for me to get ahold of myself when I see her, my heart feels like it's up in my throat. It's hard to recover when I see her like this. How do I follow this rule since I really can't? I'm doing my best to stay away from the areas where I might get a glimpse of her though.
The quotes "never let them see you sweat" and "fake it till you make it" come to mind. Don't let her see you down or bothered. Smile, be happy. Don't initiate a conversation, let her do that. Your life is GREAT without her (whether you believe it or not, you need to live that).
Also, with this same no contact rule, if I do manage to barely not see her for a couple months, what should I do then? Attempt to talk to her, or just stay away? See how she acts, then make a decision based off that?
Are you in any form of contact right now?
Have you followed the guide completely? (Hanging out with friends, working out, etc).
The fact she still comes in there is odd. Does she HAVE to? Why do you suppose she is doing it?
I'm not insinuating she wants to see you but if you look "down and out" every time you see her that won't bode well for you. You need to maintain a positive attitude as much as you can. Yeah I know it hurts but you're in complete control of your emotions if you want to be.
The only person capable of making you feel good and happy -- is you. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 5:30:25 PM |
The quotes "never let them see you sweat" and "fake it till you make it" come to mind. Don't let her see you down or bothered. Smile, be happy. Don't initiate a conversation, let her do that. Your life is GREAT without her (whether you believe it or not, you need to live that).
I've been doing pretty good at making it seem like I'm happy, I'm usually working with other coworkers and we like to laugh alot but the odd thing is I usually see her when I'm working alone. So I just make it seem like I'm happy, and keeping my chin up.
Are you in any form of contact right now?
Have you followed the guide completely? (Hanging out with friends, working out, etc).
The fact she still comes in there is odd. Does she HAVE to? Why do you suppose she is doing it?
Nope, just when we catch a glimpse of each other at the store. Now that you mention it, it is odd that she comes in there. She does live maybe a block away from the store though. She hasn't been coming in there alot lately though but I'm not sure why she would when she knows she'll see me. Maybe it's just that she's confused right now.
And I thought that it was a little weird that last week her brother came to tell me that she read the letter (mentioned on page 8), and then this week her other brother told me she read the letter, like she sent them out to tell me that - like she wants them to tell her how I responded. I just thought about the rules you posted, and just said "oh yeah?" since I didn't want to say something foolish that would end up getting back to her. One of her brothers actually joked around with me at the store later on, I was actually in a pretty good mood, so she might have found out about that (which is a good thing) since everybody in that family always tells each other everything (I've been over there enough times to know).
I'm not insinuating she wants to see you but if you look "down and out" every time you see her that won't bode well for you. You need to maintain a positive attitude as much as you can. Yeah I know it hurts but you're in complete control of your emotions if you want to be.
That's good advice. I have to tell myself that I'm happy, and that she's the one that doesn't know what she wants. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 5:35:08 PM | | Oh and I forgot to mention that I am following the guide and have not talked to her for about a month, just seen glimpses of each other in the store - which I'm trying my best to keep my chin up and look happy. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/24/2006 9:07:35 PM | Just stick to no contact, work on improving yourself and your life as best you can and don't worry about things you can't control. If she comes back, it was meant to be. If not, you'll be healed up before you know it and have met someone else.
There will be someone else. There always is... | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/27/2006 8:33:11 AM | DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!! trust me on this! my ex did the very same thing to me for 2 years also! and after the second time, it just made the break up that much more worse, b/c all her convictions when she came crawling back, all those empty promises she reassured me with was just tools for her own personal hidden agenda and mulipulational causes. dont you see, it's a pattern b/c that person knows they CAN! they hold the knife, ready to shove it in your back when you're not looking. but see, my gut told me it was a mistake the second time, i made a huge mistake by putting trust in all her lies when i knew deep down that she hadn't changed one bit! b/c once someone "becomes" a certain way, once that pureness that made that person YOUR special someone dissipates and they're this mean ruthless person you dont even know, they will ALWAYS be like that, no matter what they tell you to your face! so i dont know if you've moved on since then or you're still with him and everythings fine either way. i just thought i would let you know what i thought since you asked. at any rate, always trust your gut instincts!!! the good lord put them there for a reason. even if your heart is telling you otherwise. take care. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/27/2006 11:21:17 AM | Bruce:
I believe your situation is no longer about second chances.
Maybe Jarbarian's guidelines also work for letting go
and carrying on with your life without your ex. After you tried to change your
life, schedule, home she did not care about it, It seems to me she wanted
out way before. You are young so don't waste time. Get over her.
You'll survive.
Also you could show the court that you are a responsible father
After all she was the cheater. You will always have a right to see your kids.
And by the way, her "friends" maybe are not very good ones.
Sometime maybe your ex will realize that. | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/27/2006 2:51:01 PM | Wow
That was the best advice I ever ever read!!!
Anyone who has recently broken up or still not over a relationship should read this!!!
Thanks for sharing such wonderful words!
martino | |
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| So you want a second chance?
Posted: 5/27/2006 9:04:02 PM | | And if there always is someone else, whats the point of settling on just one person then? Kind of defeats the whole idea of true love. | |
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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/28/2006 5:17:04 PM | Jar I've loved reading your posts! I'm new to this sight and since it appears you are very insightful, I thought I'd pick your brain on what I'm now going through. Maybe you and several others can give me some perspective.
I'm in my late 30's and have been seeing a guy about 10 years younger (late 20's). He has dated a number of women in the past but for only short periods. We have been seeing each other for 9 months now (more serious and intimate the last 4: friends before that). In conversations with him, I've learned that his father was an alcoholic and left when he was 4. He has admitted that he is afraid of committment because he acknowledges that the pain he may feel if he gets too close is directly related to the pain of loss he felt when his father left. To top it off, his father died a year ago without any reconcilliation on either end. My b/f even told me that he couldn't even comment at the funeral and now feels guilty about it.
This is a little history to help you possibly understand where I'm going with this. He is moving about 4 hours away for work the end of July. We had talked about me moving to the area after he gets settled in several months from now. We've talked about seeing each other on weekends, etc until I can relocate for work, etc. When we got together 2 days ago, the night started out great and then he told me he was "confused" and wasn't sure if he was going to be able to do the "long distance" thing. In talking further, he admitted he was scared of how quickly we were moving and felt he was getting too close to the flame. We talked today and he said he was thinking about things and that he doesn't know what he wants and that he needs to slow things "way down".
My question is this, knowing his family history and the fact that he shared that info when we were friends before we became b/f-g/f could the intensity and the speed in which this is going truly be the reason for his "confusion" because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings? he hasn't said he loves me but has told me "he cares deeply for me". Can a man who feels he's losing control of his emotions become scared and confused because he is feeling things he hasn't felt before? He told me when we were in the friends stage that he hasn't been in love before and that his g/f have only lasted 2/3 months because if he feels it isn't going anywhere he doesn't continue to lead them on. OUr relationship has been 3x the length of any of his previous ones. He has also invited me to go home with him to meet his family (prior to our conversation this past Fri night); he has never taken a girl home before.
How should I handle this? | |
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DIA01
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Joined: 3/15/2005
Msg: 224 | |
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| So you want a second chance? Stuff
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:25:40 AM |
My question is this, knowing his family history and the fact that he shared that info when we were friends before we became b/f-g/f could the intensity and the speed in which this is going truly be the reason for his "confusion" because he doesn't know how to handle his feelings? he hasn't said he loves me but has told me "he cares deeply for me". Can a man who feels he's losing control of his emotions become scared and confused because he is feeling things he hasn't felt before? He told me when we were in the friends stage that he hasn't been in love before and that his g/f have only lasted 2/3 months because if he feels it isn't going anywhere he doesn't continue to lead them on. OUr relationship has been 3x the length of any of his previous ones. He has also invited me to go home with him to meet his family (prior to our conversation this past Fri night); he has never taken a girl home before.
How should I handle this?
If he is a commitment phobe you will have a hard time changing his mind. Unfortunately that's a problem that is only cureable by the person suffering. He has to WANT to get over it. He should seek out therapy. It's early in the relationship so my advice is actually a question.
"Can you live without him?"
If the answer is yes (and it should be) then follow the guide. There is no telling if he will change or not but if you hang on to hope then your life will stop progressing -- as long as you hang on to that hope.
Don't you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you? We all should -- nay -- NEED to be with someone who is investing as much as we feel we are.
Think about it a while before you answer... | |
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