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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/3/2007 9:53:21 AM | Despite what some may say, it seems from the replies that some truly do want to take it slow and are not just saying it to play someone. Some people think more with their heads and some more with their hearts. The reason why doesn't really matter--some may have been hurt, some may just naturally be one way or another, some may be fearless or cautious, some may be after a particular lifestyle and not a particular person, whatever--no matter, they do what they do. Obviously there is a norm where the majority of people are--they probably use their head and heart somewhat equally. Also obviously it is not wrong to be further towards one extreme or another.
What can be a problem is when two people who are seeing each other are different--one thinks more with their head and the other more with their heart. They can assume something is not right with the relationship when it is progressing too quickly or too slowly--that they are being used--when it may not be true. And if someone uses their head more than their heart but feels they want to meet people who show more emotion--uses their heart more than their head, they will have to realize some compromise might be necessary for a relationship with someone like that to continue. There are people out there who use their head more than their heart and keep getting into situations with people who are the same as them. They yearn for something different but because they cannot move a little more quickly they keep losing out on the person who might be more of what they truly want.
And vice-versa with someone who uses their heart more than their head. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/6/2007 2:48:12 AM | Funny, I always thought that the "X-men" movies were pure fiction... but reading some of the replies I'm amazed at how many people there seem to be with ESP/Mind-reading powers that apparently can know what someone else is thinking! 
I would think that a statement like "wanting to take it slow" might actually be a *good* conversation starter (gasp! communication!?!! say it isn't so!!) as to what each other's views on relationships are, both of you discussing your fears/hurts/desires/feelings and getting to know better where you both are coming from.
Kinda makes me wonder how some people expect to ever have a relationship, when a simple statement leads to so many "assumptions" about what it means, based purely on *their own* thinking... without actually communicating with the other person and talking about it. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/6/2007 1:09:27 PM | | I met someone here, I felt a real chemistry and it scared me! I've just come out of a long term relationship and to jump in heart first with this guy would have been nuts. As it is he's off overseas on a contract and I haven't heard from him for a few weeks... for me, taking it slowly means emotionally slowly because of past heartaches. It's that old "once bitten, twice shy" thing for me. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/6/2007 5:43:51 PM | Wow, a lot of interesting comments on this one. This is my "talking it slow" story.
A pretty lady from out of town views my profile, I return the favor and notice shes moving here for a new job. So I contact her and we chat on and off for about a week. She plans on coming into town(apartment hunting) a couple of Fridays ago. We meet afterwards and spend a couple of hours together. I had a very nice time with her, walking and talking and then we sat down for dinner. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we agreed that we would like to do this again when she does move here. So shes moving here the first of Aug. All we can do is talk on the phone and exchange emails. We are learning about each other, and I find it very exciting and I feel she does too. What will happen when she moves here I don't know, but we are taking it slow and will find out.
Thanks for listening everyone | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/6/2007 8:52:20 PM | | Its one of the better things i could hear, it means that she likes you enough that she wants to have a loveing realationship with you and would not like to spoil it with some quick meanenless sex on the first date. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/6/2007 9:02:19 PM | Part of Cloudwatcher's post:
but if it aint 'THERE'...and your not both willing to throw ALL caution to the wind...then it aint NEVER gonna go THAT WAY...either emotionally or physically.
I tend to agree. "Taking it slowly" translates to me as: "I'm just not that into you, but you're ok". | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/7/2007 7:25:15 AM | | It's either they're not that into you, or they have previous relationship baggage like being scared to get hurt again, or they are the walking wounded like this one girl I know who had a bad experience with a stalker. She had trust issues, but was interested, she just never wanted to go through that again. Can't say I blame her. It took a lot of patience and friendship to win her heart and trust. She 's a very confident strong woman now, an awesome friend, and wise advisor/inspiration. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/7/2007 8:02:09 AM | | ^ Wow, kindhearted... so, by being willing to actually talk to her rather than jump to assumptions, show some patience and actual friendship, you helped her get past it and got an "awesome friend" out of it! Might make one wonder about "jumping to conclusions" based on a simple statement? | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/7/2007 11:29:07 AM | Reading some of these comments surprises me...for me, slow means, I have kids and I don't intend to introduce my girlfriend to my teenage sons unless we're pretty darn serious...that's it. I've had two break ups because the women wanted to meet the kids, get to know the kids, yada yada. Puuuhhhhleeeeasse. Have some respect...I don't need to introduce my teenage sons to every woman I've ever dated for 4 weeks. They have a mother and went through a nasty divorce...they don't need to be dragged through adult dating hell on top of that. If we're serious and in love, what is the hurry? I married once...too quickly, not making that mistake again. Someone that wants to marry quickly...or close the deal quickly...I think is the one with the commitment issues...not the person who genuinely understands that a long term relationship isn't about butterflies in your stomach the first two weeks of dating. I think that explains the 50% + divorce rate.
If a woman can't respect that...she doesn't respect me...and that means...she's interested in only what she wants, not in what I need from a stability standpoint. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/7/2007 11:41:06 AM | If a woman can't respect that...she doesn't respect me...and that means...she's interested in only what she wants, not in what I need from a stability standpoint.
Well put, arghhh46. My point was, if they immediately "ASSuME" what it means, without even having a conversation about it, exploring each other's feelings... damn, what would lead you to believe that they have *any* respect for your feelings as well as their own? Somehow I wonder how anyone could expect to build a relationship on that.
You may talk about it, and find out you actually *are* on different "wavelengths" about things, and thats ok too. But to immediately assume things without actually discussing it, is certainly generalizing "all people who say that", without respecting the fact that we are all unique individuals with our own "baggage" (that we are dealing with, or not) and our own feelings...
If you want to take that approach, I mean, that means that if a woman see's some article with a picture of a gorgeous $million home, and says "isn't that gorgeous?", I should dump her right away... because I can "ASSuME" from that she's a gold digger and will never be happy unless I can provide that for her? Rather than maybe, realizing it *is* a gorgeous house, and saying "yeah, if we could afford it we could buy one, but not in this lifetime", and hopefully us doing the best we can to have a good life together? I think I'd rather have a relationship based on reality, but it can be fun to 'dream' once in a while, as long as you realize its not reality. Reality is, "we" is more powerful than "I" in many ways, and if "we" can't talk based in reality, about *both* our feelings, there isn't really a "we", only two "I's". | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/7/2007 12:22:15 PM |
My point was, if they immediately "ASSuME" what it means, without even having a conversation about it, exploring each other's feelings... damn, what would lead you to believe that they have *any* respect for your feelings as well as their own? Somehow I wonder how anyone could expect to build a relationship on that.
This is very true, and I think the point of this thread is to establish the very thing you are saying -- that it could mean anything. | |
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D+Rule
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Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 64 | |
| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:19:46 AM | To me taking it slowly means waiting until you know the person before you make any substantial emotional investments. It also means waiting until both people are comfortable to move on to the next step. I don’t like to put a definite time on things, but this usually takes around 3 months in general.
No one I have ever dated or been in a relationship has ever heard me say, “I love you”. I refuse to say that unless I mean it, and I refuse to believe that I mean it unless there’s been enough time for it to develop.
I feel that there are 5 steps on the way to finding that someone special.
1. Meeting, now you know each other exist, big deal doesn’t mean a thing, there are tons of people out there that exist too and are probably just as good looking as this one, so even if I feel a spark, no emotions are allowed to come out.
2. Getting to know each other; this is where I feel a person out, figuratively. This to me is a very crucial step. It is in this step that I will decide whether I’ve met a new friend, I’ve met someone I wish I didn’t, or I’ve possibly met the woman of my dreams.
3. Dating, if she is someone that I could see having a relationship with, this is where I ask her out. The first date usually happens around 3 months after meeting the person, not that it has to be that long, but that’s usually how it works out on average. Dating can last anywhere from a month to who knows how long. Depends on the trials and tribulations of the dating.
4. Entering into a Relationship, this is where the commitment gets jacked way up. This is also where I open the flood gates and let her pour into my heart unobstructed. I may have torn a few holes in the walls around my heart while dating, but this is when I will let my guard down and let the emotions go where they may unhindered.
5. Marriage, the relationship step would probably last a year or two before I would ever purpose to a woman. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this girl then I’m going to go on a very long test drive. After that, we live happily ever after. The End.
Now like I said, I don’t put time limits on each step, but I do recognize patterns that I’ve witnessed in the past. Anytime I make a reference to this lasting a month or this lasting a year, are just what I’ve experienced on average, some moved faster, some moved slower.
To me that is taking it slowly, taking the time to go through each of the steps, and not rushing through one to get to the next.
46&2 | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:00:13 AM | | Taking it slowly? The other person is not really that interested in you, if they were interested they would not have to make the statement "I want to take things slowly", they would have just let things happen naturally without the LABEL, so the real purpose for the label is to keep his or her options open, its time for the other person who hasn't put this label on a possible relationship to move on; just my opinion. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:17:50 AM | Well - I have been around for a while - have seen lots of life. And I know from many observations what a woman will do for and to a man who really 'trips her trigger'.
So - when a woman I am trying to make headway with 'starts the slow talk' - I know I didn't trip her trigger - in fact likely never found her trigger (hidden agendas and all that).
There is no mistaking the actions of a woman who is smitten by her new guy - it is very noticeable - she goes all out - I have seen it many times over the years. So when a new woman won't do those things for me - it is time for me to take a hike. No sense in wasting my time trying to get her to 'get into it' or for me to somehow to say the magic word that will get her past the 'slow' point.
I'm pretty talented - but I cannot read minds and when the reason for 'wanting to go slow' is unstated, unclear or even unknown by her (so she says) - I just vacate.
Joe | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/11/2007 11:01:20 AM | | It might be different when a guy says it, vs. when a gal says it. But, as a rule, I think it's a difficult strike for a relationship to recover from, since at a minimum it means that the two individuals are working on different perceptions of how "fast" things are going. Once agendas start creeping in, once people start thinking about authority and differential interest and so-on, it's a long, hard road back to mutual respect and trust. If you're told to go slow, and you go slow, then the other person knows they can dictate terms. If you're told to go slow, and you don't, then the other person feels that their wishes aren't being respected. Mercifully it's been a long time since I was told to go slow, but on the two times that it happened I would have been better-off going AWAY. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 68 | |
| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/11/2007 3:43:24 PM | If I say "let's take it slow - what I mean is this:
#1 - When we meet for the first time, I don't expect you to show up at my house.
#2 - When we have our 2nd date, I don't expect to practice "making babies"
#3 - When we have our 3rd date, I don't expect to hear "I love you"
#4 - When we have our 4th date, I don't expect to do your laundry for you, or to cook for you on a daily basis
#5 - When we have our 10th date, I don't expect for you to leave your cologne, razor, or toothbrush at my house on a permanent basis.
#6 - When we have our 20th date, I don't expect to hear "I love you".
#7 - When we have our 100th date, I don't expect to hear "will you marry me"
#8 - When 6 months have passed, and we're still emailing (haven't spoken on the phone), it's one thing to take things "slow", but honestly, not that SLOW
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:57:53 PM | | It means I don't expect a whirlwind romance, or sex, anytime soon. It means I want to enjoy getting to know someone, enjoying their company, learning what they like and don't, learning from them, things I don't yet know. It means going places with them I haven't gone before, taking them to places I have, and sharing all the wonderful things I've learned and having her do the same. It means: hoping to slowly fall in love. That's the only way it can last. | |
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| what does it mean to you: taking it slowly
Posted: 8/18/2007 3:35:53 PM | I guess I'll make my response to this for the ladies:
I'll give a short run down of a few ways I feel "taking it slowly" can mean when a GUY says it:
1) If he has recently come out of a relationship, and is still emotionally healing while you two start hanging out...if he let's you know RIGHT AWAY, and does NOT sleep with you yet, that shows A LOT more sincerity. Respect him and give it time. That'll be the only way you two can see if its going to go anywhere. 
2) Once again, if he has recently come out of a relationship, and is still emotionally healing while you two start hanging out...BUT does NOT tell you until AFTER he sleeps with you that he wants to take it slow because of that, there's only one solution- get the hell outta that one. You're just a new f*cktoy/rebound. 
3) If he has been single for awhile, and just flat out says let's take this slow (emotionally AND sexually)..he could really feeling something.
4) If he's been single for awhile, and wants to take it slow emotionally but not sexually...it's pretty much a no brainer that he isn't looking for anything but sex with you. | |
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