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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:23:32 PM | Fist i want to say that i understand your point----to an extent.
But. my boyfriend is a single dad and i KNOW his girls come 1st, and if they didnt, i think i would be appaled
i think there may be a time...after marraige where one may become as mportant in that family setting...but no step mom or wife could ever amount to the love that a man gets from his child. the kid should ALWAYS come 1st..no matter what happens....because when one decided to have kids (or has kids otherwise) theire lives should be devoted to those kids.
the thing i have to say to any girl that can not agree with that is....dont date single dads....realize you wont be 1st in theire lives and you shouldnt be....
and to answer your question i think most single dads say this because there are ALOT of girls out there, that ay come into a single dads life and think the kid can be pushed aside like a rag doll...and the truth is they cant and shouldnt be...so saying that kinda give those girls a head up....or in some cases prob warns them to skip the profile and go onto the next....
theres alot of things said like that on here:
"not looking for a relationship"
"not looking just sex"
"looking for friends 1st"
theres alot of options for creteria you must have to message a person (the stuff at bbottom of profile) but none of these specify nsometyhing like that
so maybe thats why it needs saying.
but in my flat out opion...my boyfriend has two woubnderfull girls...one 5 one 2...i love him and them both to death, and honestly i dont care to come 2nd...as long as its his kids who come 1st.
hope i helped | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:26:42 PM | I am also a single dad i only get to see my son on weekends and i love him more than anything, the reason i would say it is because my ex (not my sons mom) would get mad because she had these big plans or whatever etc. on the weekends and i cant go i have my son, so she would say why dont you get someone to look after him? but why would i? i dont see him during the week this is my time with him why would i ditch him off all the time just because she is 21 and wants to party, im not really there anymore this is my life now him and i thats it, but dont get me wrong i do go out and me ex(my sons mom)
will look after him it was more a pet peeve than anything. so maybe guys can understand what im saying here i dont know thats why i say my son is #1 all the time cause i dont want an immature girl again, anyways sorry for rammblin' | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:33:08 PM | thats pretty much what i jsut said...no kid should lose part of theire parent because a new girl or guy has come into that parents life. essecailyl when you only have that kid on weekends. i understadn if ur a full time single parent that once and a while u can get a baby sitter and do you thing....even parents who are still together do that...once and a while!!!!
but unforintitly alot of women HAVE to be number one and cant except otherwise, even if theyre number two to a wonderfull child....which is why i say...skip the profile go onto the next....if you cant except the kid as part of the package, then leave the package all together because it probally doesnt have ur name on it anyways. | |
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allh2h
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Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 54 | |
| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/8/2006 12:24:36 AM | My soon to be ex-husband says it because he never puts his kids first. I say it constantly but it is because HE never gives our son a second thought and it just infuriates me . Today he had to give us a ride home (my van was being looked at) he put the car seat in the back of the jeep and it was so loose I could pull it away from the seat 6 inches, I hit the roof . My son was 2 on March 5. He did not care, I just do not understand how someone could put there child in danger like that. He does the same with his other two kids. And the way he drives, he guns it around corners, swerving through traffic, pulling in front of other vehicles.  I tried getting a rental...man I wish I had been able too.
When you get involved with a single parent man or woman, the children always come first. Though if you do not put your relationship as a top priority, if it a serious one, especially marriage, you are only harming the children. It is a delicate balance that takes a lot of time, patience, effort, cooperation, communication, and bending.
Ya now I am rambling...  | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/8/2006 3:13:05 PM | | I think the ancient Greeks had it right. They had many versions of the word love. Love of a daughter, love of a mother, love of a brother etc. When parents say their children come first, I believe they are expressing the sentiment of the ancient Greek version of the word - love of your child. It's a special kind of love but it does not preclude any other kind. It's just the English language is so limiting. Parents are just trying to express that special love we all have for our kids. Sometimes it seems that these parents are putting up a barrier, but I feel it is just a way of defining the difference between child and potential lover. Peace. | |
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Dawndi
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Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 56 | |
| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/10/2006 12:26:32 PM | | agreed. Once you are inside a stable loving relationship. Dating is a whole different scenerio, its awkward I guess. The whole dating thing is nerve wracking for ANYONE. I have said it before and I mean it. I have a responsibility to raise my children to be whole, healthy independent people who will grow up to have lives and possibly families of their own. My children are not my "world" but they are my priority. I would not let my children choose my partner for me. My partner has a place in my life that will hopefully continue on long after the children have moved out and on. My kids dont come FIRST in the sense that they are the be all and end all. They come first because I committed to giving them the full measure of my care. Believe me, I have heard the I will hate anyone you date thing. Thats a child's fear of the unknown, and not anything that will keep me from living a full life. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/10/2006 1:11:02 PM | | He's really saying"I spend most of my money on my kids, so don't expect to be wined and dined". And if you believe that, poor you. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:26:25 AM | I disagree with your statement-this does not mean that my dates don't get "wining & dining," esp. when that's what we are both into: to me (a single father with full custody) it means that I can't "drop everything" to go out on an impulse date--I have to first find a sitter; then my date has to fit into a time schedule based upon the sitter's.
It also means that I will not always be able to talk on the phone/IM at the drop of a hat: I give my son as much of my time as I can while he is awake, but when he's in bed, I have time to talk, etc. When one is in a two-parent situation, there's a lot more time for talking between all family members, so this "single-parent time limitation" won't always be the case.
I also do not bring my son into any dating relationship until I am certain that the woman is going to be around for quite awhile, not to simply be a "flash in the pan." I do not need my child to become attached to someone who will not be a bigger part of our lives, and I also do not need my child to think that women are "disposable."
I mention these things, as many women (even those who have siblings with kids or have worked in places such as a daycare center, for example), do not realize that some single parents can have the above limitations put onto their dating situations. If this is not something with which you can deal with for the short-term (until you can become a bigger part of the family), then maybe dating a single parent isn't for you...
Love is like a rubber band that can stretch to fit in all family members equally without stretching too thin (or snapping/breaking). | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:43:03 AM | In short, because at a point in the progression of a relationship, there will be the almost certain understanding that the partnership would be the foundation of decision making. As a sole caregiver (read single dad - mom at the other end of the continent) the foundation of ALL decision making is my nine year old son.
Since I am 50, most women to whom I am attracted are past the active caregiving stage and are now ready to move on and form a partnership for the next stage in the journey. This leaves me to make sure they understand, and hopefully remember from their recent past, what my priorities are. Honesty.
Choice two is younger women who are yet to find the 'fathers of their children' (sorry, but too jaded perhaps to say life partner). Again, in honesty they should be fully aware of my priorities.
I hope all single dad's who say this, mean this. I suspect however that in reality most of us hold up the kid as bait (Oh, a sensitive dad... he must be OK) and then as an excuse (thanks for the sex, but gotta tend to the kid).
Truth in advertising. Rare but hopefully appreciated. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/19/2006 11:11:39 AM |
By stating at the outset, or even better, in the profile that the kids come first, those types are warned away. I don't have to deal with them, they don't have to deal with me, everyone's a little happier.
Since this is a concern then wouldn't it be better for single parents to only date other single parents - you have more in common that way.
I don't have kids so I know I would have more in common with someone else who didn't have children. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/19/2006 12:12:45 PM | Not necessarily.
Just because someone is a single parent does not mean that they understand that they can't come between me and my kids.
Just because someone isn't a parent does not mean that they do not understand that can't come between me and my kids.
One thing I've learned is that a list of external attributes (must be a parent, must be this tall, must have x coloured hair, etc.) means almost nothing. It's the internal attributes that matter. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/22/2006 12:09:46 PM |
OK, I don't have kids, but to me, in a relationship, the kids would always come first. Whether I was the biological father or not. If I marry a woman and have kids with her, the marriage would come second
See, thats the problem why a lot of marriages don't last, a marriage is just as important as the kids, a marriage should never take second place IMO. There is no who or what comes first, at least there shouldn't be. When it comes to making sure the kids eat and have a roof over their heads, yes, of course that is a priority, but so is making sure the marriage has communication and not placing another person as being second rate.You make both things equally important. No one likes to hear that they aren't as important as someone else, . Well place yourself in that situation and see how it feels to hear that. Thats like saying, well my car is more important than you, Id rather spend more time waxing my car, then talking about how your day was. Silly analogy i know but some guys do actually care more about their cars and make it a priority rather than the kids or their wives. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/22/2006 12:59:15 PM | I am a single parent father, I took custody cause his mother started to neglect him and she was an alchy.
I would never put one above the other because the love that I have for my child is not the same love I would have for a partner. Also i would never start off a relationship saying something like my kids always come first, not the greatest way to tell someone that your in love with them! | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/22/2006 1:19:06 PM | | Could it be that because single Dads get such a bad rap as a result of all the dead beat Dads so they feel the need to overstate their priorities? I know that when people see my son and I together I get one look and when it comes out in conversation that I have him fuu time the attitude really changes. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/22/2006 2:45:01 PM | Amen to this posting! I have heard this numerous times myself in my years on earth. I always want to respond with " I sincerly hope so". but you are exactly on the money with your insight and the thoughts you have. if the kids are alwasy first when they leave, your life feels empty, meaningless and totally void. There wouldnt be anything between two people who dont nuture a nre and growing relationship. So my thoughts , for myself, yes my kids come first always, but when I meet the right man, he will also get 100% of me. I dont have aproblem sharing my love with my children and a man i am in love with.
Thank you for the great thread. And I hope you find the right one, all of you:)
LL | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/23/2006 1:33:37 PM | a marriage is just as important as the kids, a marriage should never take second place IMO.
Absolutely! Your marriage should come first for you and for the sake of the children. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:31:26 PM | Ok, My turn?
It's there because I am a Dad. That's who I am first and foremost.
I am a Dad, to my children and some children that aren't mine.
Almost everyone I know is someone I met while doing things with my kids.
To describe me, you can go in this order, Dad, and good, honest, loyal, friend.I do understand it goes both way, a man must accept a womans children as wel as a woman must accept his.
I know too many step parents that won't have anything to do with their spouses kids. That's just unfair to the kids and the marriage. | |
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Bk2
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Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 69 | |
| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/23/2006 5:52:29 PM | Hi Prolibertate.
Great subject.
Many single Dad's say, "My kids come first", and many single Mother's say, "My kids come first".
Many married Dad's say, "My kids come first", and many married Mother's say, "My kids come first".
My mother has alway told us boys that Dad came first in her life and we developed a respect for this special bond. Having parents that truly love one another and display it to each other consistently became etched in all us boys/children. They were happy, positive, and loving together and we felt it all....
My parents were married and together all their life...my Dad passed a few years ago...and to his dying day there was such a beautiful, respectful and loving bond....and it still exists.
In marriage -I believe parents are #1 and believe at this level if things fall apart the whole kitten caboootle is going to tumble down......if the parents are happy and functioning....this is tranferred towards the children......etc.... of course many have their own opinions. I believe it is when parents stray away from the other spouse that breakdown begins....slowly....at times a partner could become absorbed in just their children....maybe as therapy....or comfort....I have seen this..... of course opinions with everyone vary....
Of course this is not the subject -we are talking about, "Why does every single dad I meet need to say "my kids come first"? I cannot speak from this man's standpoint -but he could be saying -I love my children very much and my life is centered around that.....It is a saying....I believe you might be reading a little too much into it? maybe? just an opinion....
I believe you have a lot of good and solid points in your post.... That saying might not be true after he courts you and marriage results.
As for in marriage...the environment must be positive....functioning......one brings up pathology? study of disease -in marriage...cough.... I associate pathology with entomology.....lol.....
You seem like a very nice person I wish things work out good for you!
0:) | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/23/2006 8:47:37 PM | Kids first..
Prolibertate
A very good subject indeed. The first time I heard a single mom say this to me, I too was put off. She went on to start the standard lecture about how I was not ever going to be a role model or ather to her kids, would have no part in teaching, discipline or anything else. I said good-bye.
Then there are others who say it only because they need to have someone who understands they are a parent... and with being a parent comes responsibilities, and those responsibilities supercede the going out and having a good time on the spur of the moment.
Very good points, although some aren't ones that can personally apply to me. While I understand that there are some people who simply want to be with their partner 24/7 I'm not one of those...I also don't have a problem with jealousy, especially towards a child (I simply don't understand how anyone can be jealous of a child for any reason; they're children, the most precious gift we can ever have). Maybe it's my age, but I don't see too many in my age group that have these issues, as we have pretty full lives to begin with and wouldn't have time to be with someone 24/7 even if we did want to do that; though I can remember wanting to be with someone that way when I was much younger...way before I'd even think of having children. As far as partying goes, I'm too old for that too, lol...my idea of a good party is having family and close friends, including the children, over to swim in the pool and barbecue.
Prolibertate
A part of the problem you have with this statement is that you have too much "common sense". You already understand that being a parent means they have responsibilities, so to hear them protest that they have them after you have accepted them raises eye-brows at the very least. The other problem that it raises, of course, it the possibility that you will be treated like a second fiddle, and no real relationship can work that way.
I heard a saying once for parents... "You put each other first, and then together you put the kids first". I think the same still goes for this situation.
singledad1001
I love that quote. And I think it is highly applicable. If I am prepared to live by that, then being told that I am going to be second in the relationship does not work so well for me.
I say this alot too, but it is what I really mean. They come first and foremost. That's not saying that there can't eventually be some kid of balance but especially at first my kids are my top priority and if the man doesn't understand it is time to say goodbye. SIGNIFICANT OTHERS COME AND GO BUT YOUR CHILDREN HOPEFULLY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. If my children don't like the man I'm dating there is usually a reason.
lac85
I realize that I am about to take your comment out of context, and I hope you will forgive me for that. However, there is a point to be made that is important. A comment like that sounds like I, as the significant other, is disposable. If I am looking for a relationship that I want to be come PERMANENT , I do not want to be any more disposable than your kids are. Indeed, I would hope/expect that you would count on me being there long after they have left the home, and hope/expect me to be there for them just as you would be. If I think that I am to be considered disposable, as many of both sexes consider these days, I am sorry, but I am not interested.
I would like to say that as a father, I am only too aware of the importance of my daughter in my life, and by extension the importance of children in any loving parent's life. With the title of loving parent, also comes responsibility. That responsibility predates any person that you will now meet, and there is no end of time limit on it. However, it does not mean that another person can not enter your life, and eventually become equal but different in terms of love and responsibility. And if that person chooses to love your child as you do, then it would be for the best to never make them feel second best. | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 4/24/2006 6:47:41 PM | Okay.....after reading many posts I'm ready to post :)
There have been many great things expressed here in opinion and many
wonderful points. thanks
I believe that a marriage/relationship and ones child/children are both of importance.
BUT the relationships are different, the love is different (not one better or worse)
just completely different. The needs and wants are extremely different but both
are of value. THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION! In the begining when your your feeling (inlove)
it's normal to feel a tad bit jealous for attention, it means you care...but a tad bit.
our children are blood, they're our responsibility, they're our joys, they are something so dear to one that it feels necessary to say, my children come first.
I think this is great! The reason is when dating the other person asks you to share things about yourself and you share "my kids come first always" is a why of expressing ones love for something.
Now is that really wrong? Yes it's intimidating but wonderful at the sametime. But realisticly
if you had a child with that person later on would you really be fighting your own child for attention
with your spouse? seems crazy, right?
I don't think it's anything personal...I think it's a person being honest and open with you and letting you know what's truely important to them, for heavens sake they love their kids, so don't think for a second they'd spend their last dime on you rather then on their child. It may sound rude, but do you really want to take from a child, weither it be time or money etc. (?)
We must always remember with kids....they sleep :)
there is always time to make time and it's possible, it is very important to show your love and affection and spent time also with your spouse to keep the relationship healthy and happy.....just remeber that they are two completely different relations so don't try and squeeze yourself into it so you can pushing others out, after time you'll
realize it's possible to love everyone..... And then they leave the nest :( so what's all the fuss about..lol
Lucky mother of two wonderful boys but plenty of love to go around, BUT they come first!!!
Sarah | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:41:06 PM | hi iam a single dad and have fun to and have room to make a friend or 2 if you are out ther lets here from you ilike fishing and more ask me and see i like kids and open to be a hole famly one more time | |
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| Why do single dads need to say this?
Posted: 7/13/2006 2:58:24 PM | For me i put in my profile "that is you don't like kids then you're not for me".... So i want that guys to know that ... I have met and chatted with a lot of people on here who seem to say they understand that our kids come first but when something happens and we have to cancel then we are told we aren't really interested in meeting... or we are using our kids as excuses..... I guess until you are a single parent you really won't understand why we put things in our profile... It's hard to find a guy or girl who understands the dating problems we come across unless they are single parents themselves... I don't think that being honest in your profile should be a reason to get scared or not be interested.....or put red flags. I think it says something about commenting... to something so special....But kids need to come first and the person who we might get involved with has to understand.... or there will be problems... just my two cents.... ...
  to those out there who make the effort and want to try at dating single parents.. the more forums i read on here the more i'm finding that there are people who are out there who are willing to try...... | |
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