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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 11:31:30 AM |
Personally I feel that there are people on these dating sites that meet far too soon.....
That's a little silly. What's worked for me is: Meet immediately, having arranged it by email. No need to give out your phone number that way. Then its just like a real world encounter. If you give out your phone number, you want to see them again. There's one line of defense. After that, any time its not working, just say so. In person or email. "Just don't feel the spark." is usually enough. An honest answer is my preference. An explanation? Sometimes helps me become a better person. Sometimes helps me be able to shrug it off without wondering if it was my breath or that risque joke. But not necessary. I realize you didn't sign on to be my personality coach. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:15:56 PM |
So I ask..how would you like to be told when someone is NOT interested. When they don't feel the sparks. I know how I'd like to be told, BUT would you guys (or girls) like to be told right there on the date? (let's say you know immediately there's no physical attraction?)
Hmm, ladies will tell you one thing like don't answer the calls, he'll get the message. Unfortunately that doesn't mean an oafs will understand that message.
Lying like you did isn't the best way. You don't want "Brad Pitt" lying to you, right?
If you liked and respected the guy but didn't feel that "spark", if you feel compelled, definitely say that. If there was something very specific that was a dealbreaker, explain that. This is only for a guy who you respect and isn't an oaf.
Throw that advice out for an oaf. There's nothing you can do about that.
Yeah, don't give your number to someone if you don't want them calling you--there's the chance the oaf won't understand why you missed the calls. You'll have to block their number--big pain in the ass.
If I meet a lady and she didn't want to see me again, I generally like to know why. You COULD tell a guy why if you don't think he'll go nuts on you.
Fact is meeting people like this is inherently risky. You're too picky, you miss opportunities.  You're not picky, you meet wackos. 
Good luck enigma! | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:19:30 PM | I like the luxury of a blunt, traumatic end. "I'm sorry, you suck and I don't want to see you ever again ***hole" is the perfect sendoff.
My fave to dish out is "You're a psycho, you stink and I hope I never see you again".  | |
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99c
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Joined: 3/24/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:22:34 PM | | "Thank you for showing me that although my marriage ended bad after many long years of misery, had I chosen someone like you instead, it could have gone even worse. I feel less the fool now. You will always have a special place in my heart for that." | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 12:27:10 PM | | not to change the subject but that sounds just like my ex. he did the same thing all the way thru wanting to hold some1's hand right away. i know b/cuz i talked to the girl he did this with. i would say who cares if u spare feelings for some1 who lied in the 1st place. but for those who were honest as far as u could tell. i would prob. just be as honest as possible right back. i would just like to hear something along this line if i were on the receiving end..."just so u know how i feel right off the bat, there's no chemistry or attraction here, but i would love to be friends if u agree to that. no offense but i just don't think u are my type". | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 4:51:45 PM | @thesupernatural
That is a great, awesome idea..meet for an hour, then split up for a half hour, and if you meet back up again, you're both interested...if not, no loss...!!! AweSOME. I love that, I hope you don't mind if I borrow it for the future date ;)...yeah, yeah, whenever that'll be!
@stillinlimbo
I like your idea too. In the past since I've never really had a oaf or psycho (well maybe once or twice) to deal with, I think I may also do that...just meet up at a public place like I always do rather than be so willing to give out my no. (I do only give out my cell, for safety reasons) BUT who needs a nut calling you into the TEENS after a date, within 24 hours. Whew..I still can't believe someone is so needy, so socially inept.
I do however disagree with the 'getting to know someone online, chatting, emailing, etc..for a month before you meet' philospophy. I've done that in the past only to have established a really good rapport and 'connection' only to find there's no physical attraction. And since time is a wastin' and precious..I think after 4 emails if someone doesn't suggest exchanging phone no's....it ain't gonna happen (that's happened too, and is kinda frustrating...which will lead me to my next post ;)
Some great ideas and feedback, THANKS
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 5:39:12 PM | Yes, don't be pen-pals before you meet! Big mistake. It's a total waste of time.
To tell someone you're not interested, and they're calling you a lot, just try and brush them off and say that you're busy and meeting up again wouldn't be a great idea. If he asks why or calls you again, tell him that if he couldn't tell DURING your meeting, that the chemistry just wasn't there.
The main thing is to avoid such scenarios. I think the best way is to handle it DURING a meetup. Let him know you're not interested in him while you're on a date. Some people think refraining from flirting is good enough, and that's not the case. Plus, it's a hell of a lot easier letting someone know that you're not interested during the meetup through conversation, actions, hints, etc -- rather than having to "break" it to them on the phone afterwards. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:09:42 PM | | Yes, I'd like to be told. And I usually figure it out when they send me the Dear So and So email stating that they really had fun but, it was them and not me but it just didn't seem like there was any chemistry. Again it's always them and not me, uh ok ya right, gotcha! I know perfectly well why there was no chemistry, because I do not look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, whatever. So once in a while when the sting wears off finally I try it again, usually with the same results. But I try not to let it get to me. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 7:55:12 PM | | yes i feel honesty is the best policy i-met this very nice man- but after 3wks of calling seeing me emailing etc he dropped off this earth i kept trying to reach him- finally gave up to this day i don't know why cause we had great karma (at least i thought so) he led me to believe that it was the real deal boy was i fooled | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 8:10:24 PM | Personally I feelt hat there are people on these dating sites that meet far too soon
whats wrong with a month or more chatting online before meeting
In my experience, this is not a good thing. Chatting too long gets you emotionally involved with the person, then you meet them with all these expectations and there is no physical chemistry and you feel even worse having to tell someone there is no connection. Lets face it, there has to be a "spark".
As for the original question, when I was meeting men from dating sites I preferred to send a follow up message saying I had a nice time (which I did) but that I didn't feel a connection.
The men I sent the mail to in every case were very polite and appreciative of my honesty. After all, had there been sparks we both would have know it.
I would not do it at the time of the date, one can never be sure how the person might take it. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:00:02 PM | That is freaking awesome. I think that I will steal that for my next date...whenever that is!
~Aurora
I like it too Aurora, as for your next date, any guy who lists candelmas as an interest and sushi as a first date is hot! Meet you in Texas for Sashimi? | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 9:46:34 PM | I like a sense of closure. I recently had a date with someone on POF and he wasn't my type. I emailed him a thank you note, and apparently the feeling was mutual since he wrote that I wasn't his type.
I think it's only fair to tell the person that you aren't interested. Using a handy and not hurtful excuse such as being too far away, ages too far apart, etc is the best way to let someone know you aren't interested without being hurtful. It would be rude to say to the man, You are fat therefore I'm not interested. But at the same time, closure allows the parties to move on and meet someone else who IS right for them.
Happy | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/28/2006 10:10:13 PM | Well anenigma I can certainly see why he fell quick and hard for you. Just curious you state "separated" guy, do you think he acted the way he did due to fitting into that label? Just curious.
As for letting him know, I think how you told him after his 2 minute message was fine. Not sure if I'd want to be told during the date, but then again if it's an uncomfortable moment then ya might as well call a spade a spade. I find humor works well and perhaps asking with a smile... " so when we're 80 yrs old sitting and staring at each other, lost for words, do you think it'll be much better then this??? Ya know once we get past all the akward lust etc. ??? Usually evokes a chuckle and then honesty isn't quite so painfull.
I'd rather have that, then a facimile of a decent date, all smiles and have the woman say she'll pay next time etc., only to find out she meant "next time with someone else!"
You know what you want, don't settle for anything less, tell it like it is in your profile and tell it like it is in person. You'd want them to do the same for you as an equal partner right.
Live life well. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 12:33:31 AM | I think Supernatural's idea is horrible! I'd feel dirty all night if I walked away, and I'd probably have a heart attack sitting waiting for her to come back if I returned. You've already gone through the angst of waiting to see if she'd show up to begin with. I'd refuse to play that game.
Looking back, what I have done, not with any planning, mind you, is that we've met on an evening where one or both of us has explained about early wake-ups and a time limit for being out. If we're getting along well enough to stay later than we should have to be functional in the morning for work, then its a success. If we get to the agreed time and its time to go, then it wasn't and we both know it.
In my admittedly limited experience, I've never had the need to get a phone number before the first meeting. I like to keep the pressure as low as possible. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:11:43 AM | my technique: "lose my number." that's pretty unequivocal. i thought there was no way anyone could mistake my meaning...but the last one asked why. so, i told him...(3 strikes and you are...OUT!)
but, if they did not piss me off, i'd say something like "i don't think we're a match, good luck with your search." | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 1:28:40 AM | I've never had anyone walk out on me from a simple date, but usually I'm pretty
sensitive to the 'vibe' and know if it's working or not working so it's never been
an issue. But if I was crazy for my blind date and fell madly and insanely in love with
her to a point I want to call her 5 minutes after the date had ended and
start calling her 13 times a day.........I'd be cool with ending it if she would just
put out. LOL
Oh, and next time, don't go on blind dates......I mean, you never even saw
the guys picture and went anyway? Ummmm....WOW! | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 6:50:19 AM | hell yes..... if a guy decides after a few dates he's not interested , then yes..... i think no matter how things go that if you aren't feeling it for someone you should tell them.... instead of saying shit.. and none of these email shit message , in person.. if you only went on date then kewl but if you are hot for eachother and then something happens that changes your mind be a man or women and tell that person.... hate being played..... we all have feeling and if you nolonger feel something cause of that person did or you can't give at that time then be honest, then it makes things alot easier to that person , they won't feel as if they did something when the didn't or can help that person wiht other relationshiops...
why can't guy just be honest(or girls) if they are just looking for sex then tell that person and stop leading people on.... i love to flirt and aswell wouldn't let someone think there's something there when there isn't, what happen to respecting people.... be honest.. ...... just my two cents.... | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 7:33:17 AM | What is it with this "in person" stuff? Let me say right now... no one owes you a special trip merely to tell you they aren't interested. Do you think by insisting they tell you in person, having to look at you... might change their minds?
If it's our first time meeting or we've only had a few dates and I'm not feeling it, I'll be letting them know how I see fit.. which wouldn't include seeing them again (since the ultimate goal at that point is to NOT see them again). | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 7:56:19 AM | | Nothing more frustrating than nothingness!! But, I will say that you have to give the benefit of the doubt, trust your instincts and think maybe they are just busy, the whole world doesn't revolve around you! I agree, it's not good to be messed about and, I for one, wish people would just be up front and say what they mean. Maybe they have a hidden agenda or a secret they don't want you to know about but, maybe like me, they do genuinely lead busy lives. My philosphy is if they call, they call, if they don't I just get on with my life, providing they haven't infringed on it too much, and I don't let them bother me. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 7:57:47 AM | If we met:
I don't feel we're quite on the same page, thanks for a fun time though , take care sweetie.
If we just talked for a while but never met:
Well it's been fun chatting, but I don't feel we're quite on the same page for pursuing things further, best of luck finding the right gal for you, take care sweetie.
**********************
Nice, clear, Simple, CLASSY 
I tell them right on the date ONLY if they ASK, as it's very awkward when there's a mismatch.
Usually I message them as soon as I get home from the date with what I stated above if I'm not feeling the vibe, or to tell them I liked them and enquire if they were feeling any spark or not? That way each person has privacy for any disappointment that may occur. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:07:42 AM | Somebody said:
I like the luxury of a blunt, traumatic end. "I'm sorry, you suck and I don't want to see you ever again ***hole" is the perfect sendoff.
My fave to dish out is "You're a psycho, you stink and I hope I never see you again".
That would be a selfish "luxury" for you, and "traumatic" for her. To me, that sounds cruel and hateful, and I sure hope nobody ever says that to me. And Dude, if you were actually serious, I hope you'll reconsider saying that sort of thing to ANY woman, unless maybe she pulled a gun on you. Talk about hurting a woman deeply!! What gives you the right to do that? No wonder some women become so bitter after dealing with some guys. God help the next guy who tries to date that woman. So, was your comment by any chance just a joke? If so, ignore what I said, and I'm sorry for bringing it up.
I personally want to be told as specifically as possible why the woman is not interested in me, but without cruelty or resentment mixed in. To the overly eager caller of the O.riginal P.ost, I think I would say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm as eager to pursue this relationship as you are. I feel a little hounded and smothered by all the phone calls, and it bothered me a little that you indicated you were divorced when you aren't. So I think I'm going to have to call it quits on our dating. But you're a good person, and I'm sure a lot of women out there would love to pursue a relationship with you." That way he has a clue of what to do differently next time, and he doesn't go away bewildered, depressed, or bitter. He gains a REALLY valuable understanding that women you're starting to date don't want to be called 13 times in a day.
If a woman doesn't like me because my hands are too big, I don't want to go away wondering if it was my goatee she didn't like, or the type of house I bought, or a thousand other potential reasons. It makes it much easier to improve as a person if others will tell you exactly what they like or don't like about you. If it's their looks, tell them exactly why their looks don't attract you. If they have bad breath, have a heart and TELL them -- better yet, tell them before you break it off so maybe they can change the problem. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:32:23 AM | Scenario: If you're a lady, you meet a guy, you believe he enjoyed your company but you did not want to see him for a second date, AND YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT HE THINKS OF YOU. If you give him a "punkgirl" answer, he's going to think you're confused and just giving him a nonsense line. He's going to think you are all about yourself and you are not a good communicator. He had a good time, he thought he was on the same page as you. Explain why the pages are different. Again, this recommendation is only if you care about his feelings. Of course you're never going to see him again, but if you care about his opinion of you, you share your opinion of him with him. That's classy.
Same is true for guys telling women why they don't want to go out again. Spell it out.
It's always better to know than to guess.
If you don't care what someone thinks of you, do or say whatever you feel like. | |
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| Not interested..would you like to be told?????? And if so, HOW?
Posted: 3/29/2006 9:58:59 AM | I think we've all had an evolution of thought regarding how to conduct oneself in this realm, versus the actual face-to-face real world. For myself, I try to act as I would in person. It's true, I don't always do that, but I try.
If someone isn't interested and knows it, then the most honest and fair thing to do is simply say so. Because everyone takes rejection differntly, and most people badly, it's understandable that many people would develop some sort of "line" to deliver the bad news with. I suppose at times these lines are just too subtle for some people.
However, I believe it should be clear to anyone that a failure to reply over a period of time (you decide how long) probably indicates a busy schedule or no interest.
If someone isn't interested, that's their right. I understand why many people just walk away, rather than say something, but I know I prefer simply being told "no thanks".
Remember the name of the site? There really are plenty... | |
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