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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 2:36:09 AM | Just a thought that is sort of OT for this thread ...
The current options in the profile are:
Prefer Not To Say, Single, Married, Living Together, Divorced, Widowed, Separated, Dating
To my mind, the first option, "Prefer Not To Say" should be removed entirely - there is no reason why anyone should use this, even people that are only here for the forums can easily pick one of the other options that better suits their actual status.
"Single", "Married", "Living Together" are fine as they are.
"Divorced" & "Widowed" should be replaced with a single entry of "Single again". Provided the user is actually free and available legally now, who cares how they got to that status? Think about it, Divorced = used goods and Widowed = abandoned on this earth: why would any of us ever want to label ourselves like that? Come to that, just use the "Single" selection instead - it's true, it fits the criteria, and whose business is it anyway whether it means single since forever, or single recently - that can be discussed in the process of getting to know each other.
As for the last two, Separated usually means someone who might or might not get a divorce, and has not yet decided to cut the strings completely, while Dating is the option of choice for those only wishing to lurk on the forums without dealing with potential suitors.
I will admit that the prospect of meeting a lady that has been divorced or widowed 7 or more times is somewhat daunting, but there again, I haven't yet seen Liz Taylor's profile on POF ^^ | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 4:44:46 AM | Divorced" & "Widowed" should be replaced with a single entry of "Single again
Sorry, but I disagree.
Widowed is what I am and why would I want to hide that fact? I am not ashamed of being a widow, and if people have an issue with me being widowed, I don't want to hear from them anyway. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 6:25:49 AM | As for "prefer not to say", I agree ... get rid of it.
As for "divorced/widowed", I prefer having the option. These situations are entirely different and carry along with them their own set of situations/mindsets/circumstances and values. Widowed almost always brings, at least for me, an instant comfort level.
If you are divorced, don't get angry. My late wife was divorced. As I mentioned before, there are situations that require taking such a step. In her case, she was a punching bag for 5 years. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 6:43:53 AM | Morning Alone,
How long ago did your wife pass and from what? Has she visited you since?
I notice that in POF forums I have discussed a lot about how he continues to communicate. Some people find that odd probably, or don't believe it.
But I highly doubt that is why women say they don't want to date widows. Fear of the ex appearing on your doorstep is not in their mindset.
So, I just don't get it... are you looking at young women who may find death a very distant subject, so cannot think of dating someone so close to it?
Or maybe they just think that's all you will talk about?
Or is it that they can't compete with the length of time you were married?
Or the fact that you did not leave angry, which they might not understand if they've been divorced?
I really don't get it...
I agree with buscgirl; edit your profile to show more about what you do for fun, what you read, what shows you watch... less on marriage and religion. Subjects that might scare off those who want to just have fun with you until something more evolves. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 3:53:19 PM |
"Divorced" & "Widowed" should be replaced with a single entry of "Single again". Provided the user is actually free and available legally now, who cares how they got to that status? Think about it, Divorced = used goods and Widowed = abandoned on this earth: why would any of us ever want to label ourselves like that?
It's sad that society shuns widows and widowers as it does. Why should we be concerned about stating or changing our maritial status? I am far from being ashamed that my husband died. I, like so many others, did not choose to be widowed, but it is now my legal status. I've accepted it, why can't society?
So many times we are treated as if we have a contagious disease. We do not. We have however completed our maritial contract......especially the part that says, "till death do us part". If that alone scares them, they aren't a strong enough person for me. Our marriages ended by natural causes. What is there to be afraid of?
alone, I have read your profile and I would leave it as stated. You will attract the type of women you need in your life. A compassionate, loving, Christian women. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 4:38:49 PM | | That I was given the courage to be the primary caregiver to my dying spouse was an honour and a blessing. Not all people are blessed with that kind of courage. I full well realize that many in our society can not face the 24/7 issues that the mate of a dying person has to gladly perform. I watched as family members and friends (?) found it too hard to face up to the reality of illness and death. If people are insecure around couragous people, the only thing I can say is that they weren't blessed with the life tools that we have been graced with. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 5:38:43 PM | Sorry if this goes off thread, but the question was asked here:
Ashley1861 - She passed away in September of 2002. She fought several battles over 17 years, initially cancer. Toward the end, she lost one lung and the other was badly damaged. Her last year was especially difficult, but wonderful as well, as she relied on me for even the most of her care. A tough experience, but I can't relate in words what it meant to me. Finally, her heart beat itself to death struggling for oxygen.
As for her popping in for a visit ... aint happening. She is in Heaven.
I think - mostly - women are afraid of competing with a memory. Knowing the previous marriage did not end in a knife fight, means they will be following a good situation. I think what they fail to understand is; my desire to find another of God's gifts is based largely on those great memories - and - they will benefit from my experience.
Finally, on the profile ... I am who I am. If "she" is afraid of my profile - she isn't going to be happy with me anyway. :) | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 6:12:15 PM | | There's no reason for you to change your profile. You were honest about what your feelings are and what you desire. There is nothing wrong with that. Dating is challenging period. Especially at our age. Unfortunately being widowed in your 40's is not the norm. Being divorced in your 40's is pretty common. Sorry but that's the gist of it. I've only dated divorced men so far. And quite honestly I've not had any of them worry about being compared to my deceased husband. But what I do have a problem with is the constant complaining and issues from divorced men in regards to the past with the ex. Or they are paying so much in child support they are strapped down and cannot afford to go do the things that I am out doing. This is an issue as well. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know I'm not giving up. Yeah we were robbed of our family life way too early. I'm a loving person that wants to share my life with someone. It sounds like you are too. So no I'm not throwing in the towel, the right guy will come along for me as will the right lady for you. Don't give up, it will happen. Good things come to those who wait..... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 6:14:39 PM | | I by far agree that widows/ widowers of a marriage that ended all to soon are much more positive about the rest of our lives than we are given credit for. Yes, we loved our spouses..... and because of that, may be selfish, but makes us much more aware of what is involved in what truly is involved in making a relatinship work. We want those feelings again. We have experienced true love, and the mere fact we are here on this site, means we would like to embrace that again. It's a positive and not a negative. :) | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 6:29:11 PM | 3 1/2 years is not too soon - it is different for everyone. Who are they to be the judge of you? They can be their own judges when or if the time comes.
I have not lost a spouse to death so I do not pretend to know how that feels.
Dating a person that is divorced is not adultery. Some people may choose to say a lot of things, but that does not make them right, it only makes them considerably opinionated and in many cases those people who are considerably opinionated are not right - they just like to think they are. That is their comfort zone...they live like that and even when they realize they are wrong they will not admit it.
So live and love as you want. You will enjoy yourself and find many of life's little pleasure. They will be sitting in their stoggy rickety old chairs gossiping unhappily.
Good luck ! | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 36 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 7:39:35 PM | I can't. Leave the profile as is I love it, but I am way out of your age group. Hang in there you will meet someone worth waiting for. Good luck fishing . | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 37 | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 7:49:12 PM | | I could not become involved with a man that was widowed, because I would feel like I was with someone else's husband. I feel there is some sort of life after this one, and that one day people who lose a spouse through death will be together again. Divorce on the other hand happens when two people realize they are with the wrong person. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 8:24:22 PM | I have to respond to this one :)
The vows are "till death do us part." You are correct, in that there is definitely a life after this one. In fact, this one is just a blink of the eye compared to eternity. However, that has nothing to do with earthly marriage.
Christians will be reunited with their loved ones - husbands/wives as well. They will not be "married." Instead, we are all going to be best friends forever.
A second marriage would hold all the joy of the first. I would only hope, given the opportunity, my choice would be one of which she would have been proud. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/3/2006 8:44:22 PM | Wow! This is an interesting forum.
I have been both divorced (he cheated) and widowed. Neither is any fun at all. When I was divorced, I was very crushed and felt undesirable and somehow "guilty". After being widowed, I felt mostly sad and lonely. Both situations rattled my self-confidence.
I can tell you that my husband would want me to be happy and find someone. He always encouraged those who were suddenly alone to jump back into the water,
I hope I still know how to swim!  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 9:33:57 AM | My good man i trully know where you are coming from. i was married for 31 years to a wonderful woman and i lost her three years ago. If i do compare someone to her i think its normal but i do honestly try to remember that no one is her. ive dated a few women and ive asked them to tell me if i do that and thier responce has been very positive so far.
I to am not ashamed to be a widower. i am sad that i am one but thats a whole different story. most women that i have met have told me "NOT" to forget my late wife. after 31 years its very hard to start dating again. i have dated 1 woman who was a widow and she wasnt ready yet.(her husband had died 1 year before we dated). i have also dated a woman who was divorced and all she did was bytch about him. lol that made for a long nite. the one im dating now has never been married and we get along great.
P.S. i met her on a dating site.
Hang in there my good man, GOD has a plan for all of us.
Art | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 10:01:42 AM | Widow at 41, Fella don't feel bad some find it a threat to be with someone who has
passed the test of relationship. Many feel they can't live up to the past, it is their
lack of sence of self....As a human we know there are no two alike, Why don't they
know that to? And why is it they can talk about every looser relationship they have
ever had reguardless of how many on list......but our list shouldn't be discussed because
of death. People at this age do not wana see or accept aging and are afraid of placing
themselves anywhere near the reality of death. When they see the end of the road
it reminds them they are getting older........ facing the reality isn't nice. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 10:24:33 AM | I became a widow at 39, just gave birth 2 months earlier. I'd been with my husband since I was 22. I'd have no problem dating a widower, would actually prefer it. All these divorced men, if they weren't good enough for some other woman makes me wonder if they're good enough for me. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 10:44:36 AM | Your onto something watson,,,,,bang on. Only someone who has a small scence of self would put themselves into a position of having to compare to ones past..........
Don't let someone's lack of self define you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and widows aren't afraid of being alone but many others are,,wonder why?
We know how to fend for ourself and many see they can't control us
and they know we are not afraid to be alone again because of that
the desperation card.....gone.lol Some feel you have to neeeeeeeeeeed
them, yikes.... swim quickly.............
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 12:26:45 PM | What I believe that it is - is that widow/ers tend to have had 'good' relationships. I.e. ones that didn't fail. Unfortunately, someone's life did fail.
Most people on these sites that are not widow/ers haven't typically had that. I think that they feel the sobering fact that you and I have 'had it'. They have not. They aren't sure if 1) they are capable of having it and 2) might feel that they won't/can't compare to what we had. I.e. too tough a row to hoe so why bother.
Personally, I believe ANY ONE can 'have it'. And two, there are no camparisons. I don't compare the women that I have been with to my wife (deceased). Nor do I feel that anyone should do such comparisons.
Yes, I too feel it every once in a while - I call it a stigma.
There are other stigmas. You see someone 45 and 'never married'. Do you ask yourself - "huh - wonder why?" OR you see someone divorced - start to chat - find out they have been married and divorced multiple times. Do you ask yourself - 'hmmm - why?'
So - as for people looking at widow/ers and seeing something similar - well, we are all only human. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
However, for the limited few that seek to 'talk' to me - they rapidly find out that I am a really nice guy looking for the real thing. For those lucky few, they 'score' (and I don't necessarily mean in bed).
You can't win if you don't roll the dice.
Step up and roll the dice people. | |
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floky
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Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 46 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 1:23:51 PM | | (Till death do us part) This is the reason I would only date or marry a single ( never married) OR WIDOWED MAN. There are more out there who feel the same way. This is how God meant it to be.The Bible plainly states this. You being a God loving man should never marry a divorced person if you exspect to be in heaven. The churches that allow divorced people to marry are changing what the Bible says to suit themselves. You seem like such a wonderful person I would hate to see you make that mistake. This is my personal feelings about the subject. I mean no offence to anyone, so please don't feel offended by this post. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 6:42:10 PM | Kudos to all that participated in this thread.
Being widowed at 34 with 3 small children, I too ran into the brick walls. People just don't know how to react, don't know how to treat you and are generally uncomfortable. The assumption is that you are carrying "unfinished business" baggage.
Life is too short, but life does goes on!
Thanks Alone2soon for bringing this topic to light!
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 6:54:19 PM | | I guess I was extremely fortunate. I was also widowed at 34 with 4 children, all school age, youngest in kindergarten. And I lost my husband through a horrible tragedy. I was very open about that, always honest about my children and raising them alone. I'm sure it wasn't anything about me, but honestly I could have had a date every day of the week, if I would have wanted to. I'm just not into that, myself. I think it was that some guys like the ready made family thing with no ex to worry about. My situation was different than many, I did have an ex, I was widowed from my second husband. But my ex was totally out of the picture. Thanks anickname, I totally agree. To all the widows/widowers who contributed to this thread, thanks for that. Life DOES go on, that's the bottom line, those that we've love and lost, their love we will carry with us forever. And because they loved us, they would want nothing less than for ALL of us to live the rest of our lives here on earth to the fullest and the happiest degree possible. I honestly and truly believe that. I hope all of you do, too!! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 7:22:53 PM |
I don't compare the women that I have been with to my wife (deceased). Nor do I feel that anyone should do such comparisons.
I've been widowed for over seven years, and while I try not to make comparisons other than general "male only" traits I've dated a couple of divorced men who actually said "My ex does that" or "My ex did this". It's human nature to compare what's happening now with what one has experienced in the past.
What I found to be annoying were those who thought I was trying to find an exact replica of my late husband, or thought because I was widowed I would be wanting a "walk on the wild side" with them, or tried to analyze everything I said to see if there was some residual grief in it, and lastly felt they would always be second fiddle.
I still wonder which part of "life goes on" none of them could understand. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/4/2006 7:44:51 PM | Alone2soon,
I've been divorced for several years. I have don't any reservations dating someone who's wife has died. I do believe that some folks tend to idealize the partner they lost. Its only natural to remember the good stuff and forget about the times that were not so good... when a spouse has died. Singles that have been through a divorce have memories that can be the reverse. Some women feel that it's difficult to live up to an idealized relationship. That can be like competing with a ghost. I hope this helps.
Boomer
ps....I have a first meeting with a widower tomorrow. Wish us luck! | |
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