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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/22/2007 7:45:50 AM | I lost my wife of 20 years four years ago.
My sons were 14, 17 and 24.
I tried dating several women, wanted to scratch that "skin hunger" itch, I got dumped by each of them, they all said that I was too busy with kids to be busy with them.
At this point in my life I think I would rather be alone.
Dating is a lot of work and there are a lot of noodleheads out there.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/22/2007 7:50:56 AM | "At this point in my life I think I would rather be alone.
Dating is a lot of work and there are a lot of noodleheads out there."
I totally agree. There are so many things I really enjoy that I can be doing with what little spare time I have. I just can't do another boring date. Call it noodlehead burn out.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/23/2007 8:37:44 AM | alone2soon,
I totally agree with you. Having had a happy marriage and living up to your vows should be a plus because you understand how it works. If a woman who were widowed were to find you, hopefully you would be able to share the things that made your marriage good and not be competitive over a memory. I think this is true for almost anyone who has lost a spouse. I'm with you in that had it been a bad or unhappy marriage I probably wouldn't be looking again. Maybe we were just lucky as so many seem to assume, but I really think it's the commitment to work at it and the appreciation for what you become together. Unfortunately, most divorces are the result of unhappiness and it might be that divorced people are skeptical of the possibilities. Just another situation where we need to be patient, right? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/23/2007 9:43:07 AM | I was recently widowed at the age of 46, never would have I dreamed something like that would happen to me. I was married for 27 1/2 years, though we had some rough times, there was still that committment that we had to each other.
I feel at times I'm tabo to men, because they don't know how to react. I have no idea how to "date" and trying to slowly understand what it's like to go out with another man. I don't know how personal men want to be?
Trying to be patient and take it slow.... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/23/2007 2:44:32 PM | I have been widowed for a good 8 years now. I have dated both widowers and divorcees. I have also participated in online support groups for widows & widowers. I will say, there are times that I have been totally embarassed to say I'm a member of the female gender. I have seen the damage done to men by women they were married to. Women can be so cruel. I have also seen widows who are just as cruel. So, it's not the marital status as much as it's probably the personality. However, divorcees tend to be "gun-shy". I know I was back in the days that I was a divorcee.
The one thing I have noticed over the years is that divorcees really do try to related to widowhood. Some (not all) tend to think that death is death and you just get over it and move on. Well, one thing I know, divorce and/or widowhood ARE major life changes. However, there is no comparision between the two. What makes them different is how a person responds to the situation. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/20/2007 7:26:01 PM | | I'm widowed after over 27 year marriage, I have trouble getting romance from women that knew my wife, but not from women I recntly met. Friends tried setting me up with women simular to my wife, but actuallyI am looking for women that DO NOT remind me of my wife. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/20/2007 8:50:55 PM | | Alone: I can't read your profile..for whatever reason...but..I do understand how you feel. I've been widowed for 4 yrs now and most men usually don't want anything to do with widows. My husband was my soul mate, and loosing him was devastating to say the least. But..if I ever do get with anyone else that's a total different life. I haven't let anyone close enough to know the real me..but someday someone may strike my fancy...just hang in there and don't give up. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 9:07:51 AM | I don't think that widows and widowers should feel unwanted. To me they are more wanted. They were still in their marriage when their life changed. They did not choose to be single again just as some of us didn't choose to be single. It happened. Life goes on and we are all left with the same wants and desires. Hopefully some of us may cross paths and create a new path together. Best of luck to us all. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:13:16 AM | | I am a widow for almost two years now. I went out with a man a couple of months ago who was 63 and has never been married. He has had several long term (6 years, etc.) relationships with divorced women and he said the last three went back to their husbands so someone told him he should seek out widows because we don't have husbands to go back to. I found that quite interesting. He was a nice guy but I went out with him for the wrong reason and he didn't live very close to me so I declined going out with him again. He still emails occasionally and just left for Florida because someone told him there are lots of widows there. I just find that whole concept interesting. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 1:36:32 PM | | I think that after a decade or more of being widowed most of us just think of ourselves as single. This causes the rest of the world to see us as "just" single. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 4:48:37 PM | My personal experience, being widowed myself, can be summed up in a conversation I had with a male friend, who was trying to explain to me why, even though he wanted to have a relationship with me, we could never be more than friends. His reasoning was that a divorced woman would not harbor any loving feelings towards her ex, which would mean no competition to any potential mates she may meet.
A widow, on the other hand, would always have feelings for the departed spouse, which would mean any potential mates would have to compete against the deceased.
To me, that was the most idiotic thing I'd ever heard, but it seems a lot of people, both male and female, feel the same way. Scary.
P.S. He's not my friend anymore, life's too short to waste on fools | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 6:40:54 PM | I'm glad this thread is still going after a while of beng kind of dormant. Being both a divorcee and a widow, I really kind of know the grass on both sides of the fence.
Both are/were tramautic and take a toll on the soul. I dated only one man after my husband's death and he turned out to be "too much too soon"--because I was "needy" after my husband's death, not finished with the grieving process, etc. and felt "oh, poor me, I am 57 no one will ever want me....boo hoo" I let a psychopathic nut case into my life--fortunately not for long. But in the ensuing years (3) since my husband died, I have gottem my head on straight and finished with the grief, miss my husband of course, but am ready tomove on,, However, that said---I am pretty picky about finding another mate, and am not interested in settling for the first warm body that comes along.
I have no debt, no major health problems, am pretty well adjusted mentally, etc. so why would I want someone to "ruin" all that? I don't. It would be wonderful to have a NEW RELATIONSHIP, play with a "new ball" on a "new field" and play a "new game." Whether or not I will ever find that, I don't know, but I no longer feel "needy" or empty without a partner--One is a whole number, not just half of two. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 7:20:48 PM | I'm also part of the divorced then widowed club. They both sucked in their own way, but while I've pretty much forgotten my ex-husband I doubt I'll forget my deceased husband until the day I die.
Obviously no one should settle for a "warm body", but I also had to realize that there would never be another person like my deceased husband. He was irreplaceable. So if I was ever going to be with anyone again, I had to be OK with the idea that a new man in my life wasn't going to be anything like him.
I've been in a relationship for over two years now, and I'm happy but I still miss my husband. Fortunately my boyfriend is very understanding about that and also of the oil paintings he painted and professional quality photographs he took that are all over the walls.
Any new relationship has plusses and minuses, and mine isn't any different. My boyfriend has some nice qualities that my husband did not, but then my husband had some things about him that I'll never see again and I'll always miss.
I don't see grief as something you get over, but something you assimilate. A little piece of him is always going to be with me.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 7:31:54 PM | "Whether or not I will ever find that, I don't know, but I no longer feel "needy" or empty without a partner--One is a whole number, not just half of two."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
With no disrespect to my late husband, I no longer miss him. Fourteen years have passed, and with each passing year, I missed him less and less, until after about year 9, I was a whole, and happy single person.
Anyone who says that they can't/won't date a widowed person is only showing their own insecurity. Saying that you can't be in competition with a dead person, is like a parent saying that they can only love their first born, but none of the other children.
I also am one of those people who was first divorced, remarried 7 years later, and unfortunately was widowed after 11 good years. Now I am single, and comfortable and at peace whether I ever become part of a couple again nor not. Too much life to live, place to go, things to see to focus only on finding a new partner, or feel lonely. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:46:59 PM | I agree 100%..be grateful for what you once had and only bring it up if you are asked about your marriage...some potential 'dates' are concerned that they may be compared to your lost loved one especially if they know it was a good relationship and then there are a few out there that appreciate the fact that you and that other person really made a partnership work for many, many years ...maybe we really do know the secret! We all have pasts...some are more pleasant than others that is about it in a nutshell.
Sweetie | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/21/2007 8:54:17 PM | I find it strange that generally (I know generalization are bad) after healing widowed people survive to live very happy lives, while so many divorced people remain damaged souls for so much longer, if not for the rest of their lives.
...........and they are afraid of us??? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/31/2007 3:20:09 AM | Clinically stereotyping, I would rather 'try' a widowed than a divorcee. It is that 'idea' that the relationship ended for reasons beyond control, rather than the leading disputes. And if the person has good memories and words about his late wife, even better. I think that a guy, divorced or widowd, who can say nice things about their ex is great. However, I would prefer the 'talk' about the ex to be brief and very irregular. We have reached a point in our lives when we all have EXs, and who really want to meet them through us?
Bye
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/31/2007 5:07:39 AM | The bricks used in making the walls are the same bricks for widowed or divorced, just arranged into different shaped walls.
Some shallow excuse as to why someone can't date you is just that a shallow excuse.
If someone wants to be with you it will mostly be about the way you are not that you've been divorced or widowed, and if they don't want to stay with you, it's probably because of how you behave, not that you've been divorced or widowed.
No your not single if you've been out of marriage so long, it doesn't work that way. Claiming to be single is equivalent to claiming to be re-virginized and not very honest. Lack of honesty is a good reason for rejecting involvement but the person being rejected usually wants to blame it on something else.
I imagine that the percentage of creeps that are widowed is about the same as the percentage that are divorced and the same as people that have never married. And stay away from creeps.
Then maybe by staying in your comfort zone, shut in from exposing your personality, sitting within the walls, decorated just the way you like, you can be happy knowing if any creeps try to enter, the bricks will hold them off.
Walls are OK, don't the windows make you wonder what's out there? Use the freaking door and go somewhere. Pick up the keys, spin the bottle in the direction to go and spend a couple of hours doing something other than trying to convince yourself you have something over others by claiming your single, divorced, widowed, whatever.
There's a few creeps but if you really think it's mostly creeps, stay within the walls, pull the shades, sit in the dark and prepare the dogs to sic anyone that might want to switch on the light. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/31/2007 7:34:37 AM | I once read that there is a difference between losing a spouse to death and losing a spouse to divorce. In both cases, there is a loss of being loved, but in the case of divorce, the body of the person who no longer provides that love, goes on living.
I think that this difference tempers the character in a unique way for widows(ers) versus divorced people and as a consequence, the way each reacts to the other.
So a better understanding is required by each party as to the different realities of the other. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:52:02 AM | I was widowed after 30 years of marriage. We had 5 children together and when the youngest graduated, I told my husband I'd had enough cheating and he could go live with one of his girlfriends. We separated and he died a few months later, before I got the divorce papers filed.
Yes, I loved him. I wasn't willing to live with his affairs and rages, anymore, though. Do I still think about him? of course. Do I wish we were still together? No. My tears were for the waste of a man's potential, and the death of dreams and illusions. He is a part of who I am, but he does now own my heart. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/8/2007 10:28:49 AM | To a few of the posts who feel that they are comparing you to there dead spouse...for two seconds i would like to open a door for all humans who feel like that....
when a human keeps talking about a dead partner..that is a oppertunity for you to validate the loss. She is not telling you to compare you to them...she is telling you she is in pain and why...you take her energy manipulate it to YOURSELF and they are wrong...back up for 1 second please see this perception before you pass them off and pretend ...remember this is recent for them and they need to pull out those perceptions or memories one by one to update there views(validate the memory and place a new value on the emotions which arise cuz the surface of there life is different) It is in this space of energy divorce is different then death...cuz in divorce the perception is he is still able to re injure you...dead folks can not...
and the perception goes from anger to forgiveness cuz they are no longer able to interact...
it is in that final energy where we know we can not make it better if we change our mind...in divorce you can always barter ...........is why we see some couples get remarried....
... when there is death on the table it is a process...for all humans and i do not care if your married for 500 years...reality is we are born alone...so we will go out alone...shaking the bells.
and when some folks try to date us and blame our last partner we realize they are not mature enough to validate our emotion so they never get to open the door and free our pain. Some day we will meet a human who has the patience to learn about our feelings without tossing there needy self esteem into the equasion..widows take the patience of your understanding in many cases if they are still in the stages of acceptance...and if you can not offer that understanding then get off there backs...period...imo anyways...
It takes understanding this process so if your interested in humans like this please learn what is required for there needs...cuz when you devalue there process your hurting them...and your choosing to not clearly level into there need's meaning your lack of incite to there process...not you lack of integrity...just lack of knowing the turf...please ponder these words and extend with care into humans who so obviously deserve understanding...is why my name is simply single...got tired of others bullcrap labels and assumptions...goodluck to every single fishy... | |
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