| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/8/2007 11:45:20 AM | WOW.....
The more I read these forums, and the more I peruse through profiles, it amazes me how people still "label" people without giving the chance to know them......
Divorced vs Widowed
Kids vs No Kids
Older Kids vs Younger Kids
The list goes on and on and on and on and.............................
GET TO KNOW THE PERSON FIRST, Jeez......................... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:21:48 PM | I was widowed at 25. My life in my eyes was over. I did everything for my kids. Now at 48 they are grown and I am lost. The beauty has withered and all of the hope and dreams have dissolved.
This is a hard place to meet someone. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:48:27 PM | This is a hard place to meet someone.
You can say that again..................This is a hard place to meet someone because everyone has so many dam* restrictions, to-do lists and unreal expectations.
Muskoka  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/9/2007 12:38:17 AM | "The list goes on and on and on and on and.............................
GET TO KNOW THE PERSON FIRST, Jeez......................... "
Why?
After a few years in datingland Widowed people find out what works for them and what doesn't.
Ignore the lifestyle of the other person that you know won't be something that you enjoy being part of, and you waste their times and yours. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/9/2007 8:16:13 AM | why......my goodness to interact in the world and keep your mind and emotions in white light and functioning...paired or not...
heck my partner died .............i did not...
drinking deep into all parts of life requires focus and additude and forcing self into unchartered waters...
so when i die i can say...i lived my life deep and with conviction not sitting on my complacent azz and expect the world to crumble at my feet.
Cuz at 47 i have learned that life is not what you WANT but more what you need...
cuz i know hiding is the first bad habbit in the deppression hole.
cuz i recognize every human on the planet has something unique and special cuz i am unique and special............that is why...imo anyway.
If you choose to see the good in a human you can find it providing you judge YOURSELF with the same negativity...i choose to judge self with white energy cuz i know and understand the negative additudes grow negative additudes...is a choice of
picking in life what you choose and not laying on the ground and accepting what other's choose for you....hell there is not one human on the planet perfict last i checked...you get from life what YOU put in...you put in nothing is what you get me thinks....
that is why I choose to get to know folks cuz i know each human has a rich gift of there perception's and my motives are in the perception and enjoyment of learning about there life...
not on what happens after...no motives to tomorrow...i choose today...cuz now i am participating in life not watching others and feeling resentfull...that is why.
for me anyways...that is why i choose to get to know a human and choose to use the judgement on self....cuz that's where judgement belongs in my world anyways... is up to you if you want think you know about a human from the surface. what ever...your time , your life, your space on the planet is UP TO YOU!!!
you get to pick your destiny indeed... by what you choose to expose yourself to and how much you choose to hide from yourown judgement...is up to you
what kind of life you comand, me thinks... | |
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TJV
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Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 531 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/9/2007 4:41:15 PM | | I am not embarrased or ashamed that I am a widower..I am heartbroken by it and always will be..But as she & I discussed before her passing..life must go on for the living..I loved my late wife more than Life itself..we had 31 years together of true Love, friendship, compatability and mutual respect, and if she were still alive..no way in heaven & earth would I be here...If a prospective date or member reads that I am a widower, and has a problem with that..Then I am glad we didnt connect, as that wouldnt be the type of woman I would want in my life...again..we aren't teenagers..we all had lives and MOST of us had relationships BEFORE coming here ..and I DOUBT that any of us are Virgins..lol..Bad enough that many dont have the common courtesy to reply to first e-mails..but if the reason that some havent replied to mine due to my widowed status..then I say Good riddance..Go to hell..do not collect $200..00 ..just GO...sorry...I call em as I see em.. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 2:23:39 AM | | I am a widow and I believe that when I was not a widow, I did not want to "compete with a deceased opponent for the affection of a man". Now that I am a widow, I find that does not even enter the picture, unless your date constantly refers to "my wife did this or that". It makes one feel somewhat less than the deceased. We all grandize the deeds of people we have loved and lost. The things we do not want to remember is that they were human and not all days were paradise. As a whole, they want the relationship to have been soulfully good. There is a door in the brick wall. It is called "healing and going on living the best you can". | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 2:27:24 AM | | You are suffering from "Empty nest syndrome". A tough place. I went through it. Define your goals and persue them in a healthy manner, by your standards. Find something to laugh about everyday. Make someone smile. Hug a puppy or kitten. Call someone to tell them you love them. Have an ice cream at Baskin and Robbins. Say a prayer each night for the beautiful day of learning and sharing. Good luck. It does get better. | |
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TJV
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Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 534 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 6:42:17 AM | | wow..I am learning SO much since I joined this site!! I never knew that there were so many "idiosynchrocies" to this dating thing...I can only speak for myself, but I am not looking for a duplicate of my late wife here..but Again..Just about EVERYONE..has had a life before entering this dating forum..I dont think its so much a matter of "competing with the deceaseed"..its more to me , how the widower/widow interacts with a prospective date..the deceased will always be some part of the one they left behind..but just as every relationship/marraige that would break up NOT due to death.. with a new partner it will obviously be different..not that it cant be as good..but again..different..And again...if you must keep discussing your deceased partner..Then you arent ready to start again anyway..But I still think everyone widowed should be given a chance..and no one should prejudge the one left behind with that label..and "pass" on him/her due to that...Its not like they were divorced..and most of the time..its no fault of thier own..Life must go on..for the living..No one..EVER chooses to be widowed... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 7:50:34 AM | ^ ^ ^ ^ Sorry, but no. Everyone has a right to their prejudices. They may miss out of a good thing, but then that's their loss.
Trying to tell someone that they should want to date "fat chicks", "players", divorced, single, low-income, rich, widowed -- or anything else -- is pointless.
There will always be a pool of people who want you. All you have to do is fish from that pool.
Personally, I never found dating as a widow any problem at all. Maybe it's because I never even thought about who might not be interested in dating me, or disinterested in answering my on-line ad when I was still single. If that person wasn't interested, big deal. They also may not like me because I'm short and blonde. Them's the breaks.
However, the pool was still so wide I never had trouble finding dates, and a couple of years ago met a fella I care for.
Yes, no one ever chooses to be widowed. Just make sure if you're dating a divorced woman (my boyfriend is divorced) that you don't come off as "holier than though" that your marriage didn't fail.
My boyfriend does understand that my dead husband doesn't equal his ex-wife, and he's OK with the fact that I think of my husband fondly while he'd just as soon forget his ex- ever existed. But I don't feel superior to him because I picked well and he didn't. Some of love is up to chance, and you aren't the only person in a marriage who gets to choose whether to stay or leave.
I always had it in my heart that widows were GREAT people to date -- not damaged goods. And I guess my point of view rubbed off on a few men, because more than one thought I was the one for him.
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TJV
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Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 536 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 8:10:00 PM | "Trying to tell someone that they should want to date "fat chicks", "players", divorced, single, low-income, rich, widowed -- or anything else -- is pointless."
..."C'mon, Alexandra!! you cannot be SERIOUS in comparing a widowed member to one that wants to date "fat chicks" or Players!..One is a matter of "preference" and one is a situation of FATE, or misfortune..Completely different...everyone deserves a chance, if someone they loved was LOST to death...Its very UNFAIR ..and not because I am on that category..to judge one as a prospective partner, due to LOSS.. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 9:41:08 PM | There are quite a few people in datingland who won't date widowed people. That is just a fact. Not everyone is comfortable with widowed people for reasons of their own.
If someone doesn't want to know me because I have been widowed I would find it silly, but it really doesn't bother me. | |
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TJV
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Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 538 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 9:59:01 PM | "If someone doesn't want to know me because I have been widowed I would find it silly, but it really doesn't bother me. "
I already stated what I think about that..a few posts above these...its akin to the "monopoly" quote...I rest my case... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/10/2007 10:44:58 PM | My Mom was widowed at 38 and never dated again. I dated a lady for 6 mos that was widowed (her ex took his life)
I have a soft spot for ladies that have had to endure this pain. My ex never talks to me and totally hates me. My daughter is 19, so I am alone now. I feel more like a widower than a divorced man.
There is a lot of hope for widows and widowers. We don't want to feel sorry for them, but they tend to be pretty special people if they can overcome or avoid depression. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:04:06 PM | We are the product of our past experiences and I am better equipped today to respond to the desires of a future partner that ever before. There should be a category titled LIVED FULLY. The terms single, married, separated, divorced, or widow/widower, are important to Revenue Canada. I have been all of the above. The only wall there is for me is “married”.
My partner died 11 months ago. The grieving process has been painful and the two years preceding my partner’s death were equally as painful. In June while trapped in grief’s reclusion and depression a friend told me about this site and encouraged me to sign up. First meetings in June and July were very emotional and I struggled with the question, “Is it too soon to reach out for some contact with new people?” The heart has a great capacity to embrace many emotions simultaneously.
I have made many new friends and correspondents and the interaction with other caring people on this site has allowed me to feel ALIVE again and energized with a sense of hope that there is joy, romance and love in my future. Whether “divorced”, “widowed” or just never married, categories, we are here because WE ARE ALONE. .We are searching for some special bonding. I am patient and the doors are swung wide for a woman who excites me and for whom I feel trust, respect and passion is mutual regardless of previous marital status.
We are the product of our past experiences and I am better equipped today to respond to the desires of a future partner that ever before. I am once again thinking of myself as SINGLE, which means open for what life has in store. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/12/2007 3:37:08 PM | Why would anyone disqualify Widowed people . . ??
Is it the 'Baggage' Issue . . ??
I see My loss as a Positive attribute . .
Granted...it's a sad story . . but to have lost a Soul-Mate, and still want to share my heart and my life with someone else . .
{Not to mention I _Promised_ her that I would do everything I could to find a new partner 'To love as strongly...and well as I loved her ! } . . would seem to indicate that I'm a Very Open and Loving Man . . !!! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:03:55 PM | I dated one widower whose wife had passed away less than a year earlier. He was not ready, but even more important, his KIDS were not accepting of dad having a partner. I know this because I remain friends with him and his next/current S.O. is having an awful time with his kids. These are adult kids, each married with children, but it's the one who lives nearby who gives them the most grief. She wants to control his wallet, his social calendar, and everything else.
Personally I would not have any problem at all dating a widower. But before getting very far in, I'd need to know what the family dynamics are like. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:17:08 PM | I would have a problem dating anybody who lives in a drama zone of adult or non adult children, or in their own personal drama zone. I don't care if it was being widowed or divorced that caused them to think that drama zones are where they want to spend their time.
My life is too important to me to put up with unhappy bs from anyone.  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/12/2007 5:58:25 PM |
"C'mon, Alexandra!! you cannot be SERIOUS in comparing a widowed member to one that wants to date "fat chicks" or Players!..One is a matter of "preference" and one is a situation of FATE, or misfortune..Completely different...everyone deserves a chance, if someone they loved was LOST to death...Its very UNFAIR ..and not because I am on that category..to judge one as a prospective partner, due to LOSS..
No, I'm not comparing "fat chicks" with being widowed.
How about, if you've got blue eyes and they don't like that, they don't have to date you.
If they don't like your car, they don't have to date you.
Shallow? Yes. Their right to choose? Yes again. Should you worry about it? Not if you've got a brain in your head.
Same with being widowed. If it's not their preference, it's not their preference.
It just means that's not your fish.
There are plenty more in the sea, so don't sweat it.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/13/2007 7:10:47 AM | Geesh now by reading this thread I've discovered I have two strikes against me I'm BBW and a widow.  OHOH maybe i should say 3 because of my age. not
In all seriousness everyone has their own preferrences when looking for someone to date or develop a relationship. However, many visual traits such as over -weight can be dealt with but a shallow person will be a shallow person. (only my 2 cents)
( here is a definition of shallow for those who do not understand
3 a : penetrating only the easily or quickly perceived b : lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling ) | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/13/2007 2:46:24 PM | Hi, being a widow I know how difficult the dating scene is. I havn't been out on a date yet but am looking. I am not sure how in the world anyone can fault you for being faithful and loving the woman you spent your life with. I love my husband, he also loved me but he did not want me to sit here and cry for him the rest of my life. I would not have wanted that for him either. I wish there were socials to go to for widow's and widowers that we could meet and talk. We probably would be happier and if not dating at least socializing. I do not know of any near me.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/13/2007 3:32:56 PM | "We probably would be happier and if not dating at least socializing. I do not know of any near me. " Our local Hospice had a widow/widowers support group that I attended. While the group wasn't social per se, a bunch of us did end up going out not only after our group meetings, but on the weekends as well.
I would also check your local newspaper for calendars of activities, where I live there's all sorts of things to do every single day of the week. Also, google that with your geographical location, you just never know.
If you want to be ambitious and start one, you may approach a local businessperson or civic group and see if they'd help sponsor you. It doesn't hurt to ask, they can only say no. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/14/2007 6:27:52 AM | Good morning all! My stats: Widowed in August 2003 at the ripe old age of 43, July 2007......decided that it was time to accept someone in to my life and my heart again.....4 years to insure that my daughter had adjusted to life without Dad, (I was not going to add any more turmoil/distress) to her life..... moved back to Canada from California in 2006. Joined a couple of On-line dating websites, posted my profile, and have sifted through various invitations. In the short time that I have been on-line, I HAVE met some exciting, interesting, and funny men. I have also turned down the invitations from those who believe whatever stereotypes are rolling around in their heads about widows.........'cause they OBVIOUSLY hadn't read my profile before contacting me.
IF a gentleman asks about my husband, I explain quite matter-of-factly. It is his response that gives me the insight I need.......and the oppportunity to make the CHOICE that I need to make! A person who has an 'issue' with dating a widow/widower.........honestly, is NOT someone I want to be with! Confidence in yourself, first and foremost, ultimately leads to acceptance of others..........sans the 'issues'. So, do you REALLY want to devote ANY of your time trying to persuade someone to think differently about you because of THEIR issues? | |
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TJV
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Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 549 | |
| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/24/2007 8:49:16 PM | | Believe me..I dont sweat it one bit..One desires a realtionship to make ones life BETTER..not in place of one..I have a life... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/26/2007 9:31:10 PM | | This thread has been around for a long time and I hope the OP has found happiness again and wish that for all of us. | |
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