| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:34:33 AM | * NOT a Brick wall . . *
Some may consider a 'late spouse' as "Baggage" . .
... but I view it as an Incomplete Romance . . !!
All I want is a _ Continuance _ . . with a new Partner . . !!!
{..as per Her Request !!}
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/27/2007 9:55:35 AM | My profile actually states that I am looking for a divorced/widowed man.
I am not looking for someone who has never been married because they have never had to deal with real commitment. A divorced or widowed person has. Being widowed simply means you were married, your other half passed away for whatever reason, and you are looking again. I will state I do NOT want to meet a man who is recently divorced or widowed because everyone needs a period of time to adjust to losing a part of their life, be it good or bad, and I don't want to be the rebound person.
The only thing I can think of against dating a widowed person is that the person left behind may have expectations set from their marriage that nobody will ever be able to fulfill. Their spouse may have been put on a pedestal and the next person will always be "second best" in their heart. You are always comparing the new person to them in your mind and verbally and/or that's all you talk about.
If that is the situation....then no....X'd off my list in a heartbeat.
On the other side of the coin is a man who hopefully had a good marriage and already knows what makes a woman happy and is wanting that again.
We all have someone that will be a piece of our heart forever, but that doesn't mean we can't move forward and give someone new a piece of it too.
I know I have enough to share...I just need someone to share it with. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/27/2007 4:42:26 PM | I'm a widower. I lost my wife about 3 years ago. But I'm not finding it much of a problem. I'm a cheerful, optimistic type of person, and not the type to sit and mope and complain. I was married a long time, and was fortunate, but have no illusions that my wife was the only one. We had our difficulties, like everyone else. We just didn't show that side in public. We really never did learn how to settle issue that come up in a relationship very well.
Since then I've met some nice women, including a great lady who taught me how to handle issues in a reasonable manner. She and her late husband had been to a relationship workshop and learned how. So now I know how to do that as well!
"Baggage" can be found anywhere. I hope I'm down to light carry-on size, rather than some of the vast luggage that some folks tote around. Some of the people I've run across would keep FedEx in business. 
But they don't come in general classes, like widows/widowers, divorcées, singles, etc. Each person takes what happens and chooses for themselves how much of that to carry over. I choose to travel lightly, and with a bit of a smile.  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/27/2007 8:59:45 PM | | You're Single....I can't imagine why! Unless you've lived thru the horror of watching your spouse suffer & die, and too young no less, you have no place commenting on this topic. It changes you forever; some better - some worse. It has nothing to do with "attractibility". It does however, catapult you back into a world you thought you had left behind and WOW...everything is different. Starting with the survivor. You would benefit from sensitivity classes. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/28/2007 5:06:54 AM | ^ ^ ^ ^ Are you speaking to anyone in particular? I looked through the last couple of pages and everyone here seems to either be a widow, widower or pretty respectful.
It might help if you quoted because I'm pretty sure no one here knows what you're talking about.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/30/2007 2:16:22 PM | ~B-Kisses~ . . I'd like to chat, sometime . . 
There are Very Few barriers that a Widow[er] can't overcome , with time, honesty and
sincerity . . !!! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 9/30/2007 9:05:40 PM | | I'm a widow of five years and I think you're trying too hsrd. You know we all have our baggage, both the widows,widowers and the divorced people, the only difference is that the divorced people still have someone to yell out loud at. I think the sooner we all realize that everyone and every situation is different we will all be better off. I married the love of my life and spent a wonderful 31 years with him. Then, without warning or illness one minute he was gone, right in front of me and his sons. We will never be the same, not because we saw him die but, because we helped him live happily. Always give your best and you'll get their best in return. Move forward not back and always treat the ones you love with love and respect and you won't end up with regrets, be it your first love or the ones that follow, divorsed or widowed. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/3/2007 6:34:48 AM | merri
I do agree wholeheartedly
Alex...
I'm not sure who you were referring to ..but..
I have to admit that when someone says that being widowed means
" you were married.
your other half passed away for whatever reasons...and
now you are looking again..."
my reaction was.....I don't think this is a 'widowed' person posting this !
Butterfly
I believe (now) that you were merely trying
to offset the perceived negativity of the OP
Weren't you trying to say
Don't be prejudiced against the widowed?
After my initial... understandable...spontaneous...emotional reaction
that's the reasoning that came to me
Am I correct.?
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/3/2007 7:40:52 PM | I think that a lot of the "other" people (divorced, seperated) do feel that widowers come with emotional baggage. But what we all must realize is that in many ways we are all widowed in that perhaps, while it isn't a significant other who literally died, it was a relationship that perished and it's what we do and how we deal with it that matters. Divorcees come with baggage to and just because it's Samsonite instead of American Tourister doesn't make it less baggage. Any death whether physical or mental requires an emotional process.
Whether divorced, seperated, or widowed, we all go through a processing of emotions from sadness, anger, hatred, depression and a whole plethera of other feelings to finally realizing that it wasn't neccesarily within our control and that we are not to blame and can't go back to change what happened. Widowers may go through additional hardships because they can't get on the phone and talk about it with their ex.
Relationships are a work in progress and when we lose them, it is natural to feel bad. We all must move on and just because we are widowed doesn't mean that we cannot have another long lasting relationship if the other person will give us a chance. If anything, being widowed shows that we can be committed and truly cherish the one we are with.
Moral of the story here is that we are all in need of companionship and if you have completely processed your loss, you can succeed in finding new love. It happens every day and if you truly want it, you will make the effort and not give up until you do.
Hope I didn't ramble too much but as you may be able to tell, I have experienced not what I would call being prejudiced but more in the way of pity and fear of measuring up to my previous partner. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/18/2007 1:19:41 PM | | I'm not saying widowed men have less "baggage" than divorced men, but I am saying I was in LTR for 27 years and was no ones fault it ended. I also now know myself well enough to say I will not run from committment after being a caregiver for over 10 years. I don't think divorced men can claim that | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/23/2007 5:16:03 PM | Starting over can be very difficult...whether it be because of divorce or death...both situations cause a lot of pain...And everyone deals with their loss in a different way...I am divorced (not by my choice)...This past summer I met a terrific guy...a widower who claimed he was ready to move on with his life...He had been happily married for over 20 years...Without going into personal details, he was a long way from "moving on"...I hung in there and tried to understand...But ,for him, no one else's pain was as bad as his...Finally I gave up...But it is experiences like this that make us a little sceptical....
Hold former loves in a special place in your heart...but leave room for the one who will share the rest of your life...Best of luck to you... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/23/2007 8:11:11 PM | Sorry he wasn't ready to move on..........when someone dies, you do need to resolve the grief before you can begin another relationship. But I think it's easier to start another relationship after death then it is after divorce. I have fond memories not bitterness or anger so I'm more receptive to the possibility of finding another happy relationship.......another man I could love..........and who would love me. Divorce often leaves people hesititant and destroys trust.
Also I think widow/widowers feel more confidence in what does work in a relationship. They know the fun times that were there and they also know that they can get through the bad times........
It's not a right/wrong thing........it's just that I think the death of someone you love leaves you with different perspectives then divorce does ............I've gone through both ........I was divorced 20 years ago. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/24/2007 9:30:45 AM | | I'm single, met an attractive widower who came on strong, but after spending some time with him I felt uncomfortable, not because I was insecure or "competing" with his late wife, but because he seemed to be consumed with her even 7 years after her death, so I sadly concluded that this gentleman would be emotionally UNavailable to me. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/24/2007 10:10:31 AM | To understand grief you need to validate emotions...to speak of a partner after death to someone is leveling to that validation and setting to rest that memory and with that laying down a new value......to understand the process is the beginning of the next stage of recovering those memories and have a patner undertand that validation...is why single is threatend by the past IMO anyway....this can happen by a partner or by loved ones but you can not expect to leave behind the memory without processing that validation of loss...be it divorce or death...bin both places...
good luck to all the folks working in the solving those feelings and respect many single can not grasp that leveling and allow that energy to enter there core and compete with a dead or divorced partner....no probs fishy you will get there when you find somone who understands the importants of gravitating into listening and not allowing energy to consume them....
sunny days are ahead and you hold the power to grow to the next stage and find your spirit is stronger than the pain....
I promise  some day you will feel better and you do not need to worry
there are always others to help you when you get hung up in the corners...don't give up.... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/31/2007 9:36:12 AM | | I am a widow also,was married for 33 years . The guys they look but very seldom say anything..and no your not missing anything I feel the same way.. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 10/31/2007 8:18:25 PM | Steve22055 - outstanding post.
While I experience many emotions over my wife's death, the one upon which I try to focus is gratitude. Gratitude for all that she gave me and for all that she allowed me to give her. Gratitude that we were lucky enough to have found each other, and committed enough to take advantage of that fortune. Many have never experienced such fortune *and* commitment; others seem to lose that which was precious and good in the acrimony of a breakup.
I believe that expecting a widow or divorcee to forget their former mate is both unwise and unrealistic. Memories both cherished and unpleasant remain, regardless of veils of silence or denial.
I seek neither a clone of the woman I loved nor a "replacement". Rather I look to start a new relationship in which both ultimately feel it worth the effort to forge a path along which love grows ever stronger. May we all find such trails. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/1/2007 5:08:15 AM | | Very well put, ds444. I am a widow for almost a year now. I also am grateful for the time I had with my husband, and can remember the good and bad times. He was not a saint, nor am I. I also believe that each person, and relationship is a new begining. Everyone grieves in their own way and time, and when the grieving is done, they will know. Each person that touches our lives brings a new experience, some stay longer, some only for a short time, but it is those that bring us joy that linger in our memories. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:26:50 AM | I agree........very well put, ds444. It's unrealistic to think that someone can just forget about all the good times they had with a spouse who passed away. After all, you can't just cut 10 or 20 or 30 years out of your life and forget about the person who shared all that with you. Wayne passed away four years ago but just in normal conversation his name will still come up in my life because we did a lot together. For example, if I'm talking about how much I liked going up to the Smokies, I will just naturally say something like, "Wayne and I went up there and saw some beautiful waterfalls." Should I just drop his name and say, "I went up there"? I would if the other person felt uncomfortable with me mentioning his name but the truth is that I'm so OVER my grief now that I can mention him without it bothering me........my memories are happy ones now.
It's no more then if I mentioned that I went to New York City with my daughter.
I ever expect a man I date now to be like Wayne. Each person I meet is a unique individual. But because I was happy and we did get along so well, I know what qualities in a man do make me feel happy and which ones don't. And obviously some of those qualities are qualities that he had.
I'm not uncomfortable when a man talks about the spouse he lost. I know that he's sharing happy memories with me and she was part of his memories.
Now if there are pictures of her all over the place and ALL he talks about is the past, then I know he's not over it. But when he can share a happy memory with me and laugh and smile, I know he is over it. JMO | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/1/2007 7:40:38 AM | "if I'm talking about how much I liked going up to the Smokies, I will just naturally say something like, "Wayne and I went up there and saw some beautiful waterfalls." Should I just drop his name and say, "I went up there"?
After 15 years I have long since dropped my late husbands name from my conversations. It has nothing to do with myself or the person I am talking to being uncomfortable. It has more to do with being comfortable with being a single person. I have also travel with female long term friends. If I told the same story about a place I went with another women, I wouldn't add her name either, unless the person I was talking to asked who I went with or did I go alone, or if the basis of the story was about the other person.
A lot of people aren't comfortable with talking about I this and I that. They are more comfortable with we/us did this and that.
I don't consider is disrespectful to move past being a widow. I don't need the world to know that I used to be a wife. I don't believe that the world is really interested in my past. If necessary I simply mention that I have been widowed for quite a few years.
In fact the only time that I speak about being widowed is right here on pof.
For all I know, the new people who have moved in my neighbourhood over the years might think I have never married. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/1/2007 10:40:41 AM | ^^^^^^ I would think that would be how long you were married and how long since he/she died. The longer you are single, the more you are apt to drop the we.. also the longer you are married, it is harder to stop thinking of the "we". Plus if it has been awhile, most people don't talk of days gone by a LONG time ago. I know I don't look back 30 years when talking to someone.
I think, just be yourselves, either way is ok. It is not disrepectful not to talk about a loved one, nor is is disrespectful to talk in a conversation about them. JMO | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/1/2007 11:24:17 AM | | Yeah, I agree........I rarely talk about things that happened ten years ago so time does change a lot of that..........I think the important thing is if you see each person you meet as being unique and are ready to move forward and love again........ | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/7/2007 8:08:47 AM | [I'm not uncomfortable when a man talks about the spouse he lost. I know that he's sharing happy memories with me and she was part of his memories.
Now if there are pictures of her all over the place and ALL he talks about is the past, then I know he's not over it. But when he can share a happy memory with me and laugh and smile, I know he is over it. JMO /]
Still trying to figure out this quote thing....sigh.
You are*so* right all of you. Being widowed myself I don't want to have to try to catch myself not sharing something that was a part of who I was for many years nor a happy memory. I am not divorced but I think that should apply to people who are well adjusted/healthy after their divorce and time to be able to share some of the happy memories that did happen. There is a line between living in the past as you said and taking the past of part of who you are now. I define myself now as Single and that was part of me learning how to take my memories and have them as part of my new strange life as a single person.
Argie | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 11/7/2007 9:02:54 AM | I've always thought that Widows would make Great Partners . . !!
IF . . they don't spend a lot of time comparing the past with the present . . !!! | |
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