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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:38:11 PM | There are widow/er's groups and people in my family belong to them. My brother in particular feels that they understand him better - however he is looking for people to do activities with rather than relationships.
I think if they've moved on and on a forward path, then there are no issues dating someone who has been widowed. If they were a good partner before, they will be again. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:00:28 PM | | Yes, some of us have been good partners before. However, after a few years in datingland and not finding anyone who would be a good partner, some of us move on with our lives to enjoy life without a partner. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:50:40 PM | | I talked with a widower here on POF. All he ever talked about was his dead wife and her family activities and get togethers which he always attended because it was "tradition". I quickly ran the other way because I felt as if I would always be trying to fill the dead wife's shoes and always be judged according to how wonderful the dead wife had been. I want to be #1, not second fiddle to a ghost. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:33:26 AM | | I am a widow and know the predujices we face and the perils. Some guys think I must be well off and see me as an easy ride. Our late partners are and always be a part of our lives, but they live on through our children. Starting to date again is the most daunting thing I have ever done, and having sex with a different person, well that scares me to death..lol but I am not ready to curl up my toes and spend the rest of my life alone, nor do my children expect me to. Theres life in the old bird yet !! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:07:49 AM | I have been emailing a widower from a another site-this may turn into a long distance romance-and we have discussed his late wife alot. I can't live in her shadow nor should I have to do so nor does he expect me to do so. He was discussing something-just a small thing-that was part of their lives-not something I enjoyed but I offered something similar that I did like and he was fine with that. The key was not to minimize the importance of what was, but to offer something positive that could be. Somethings will be different; what worked with one may not be the preference of the next one. She liked baby powder, I don't but I do like body butter. But again there may be something I/he thought we did not like, with that new person it could be enjoyable or we may still not like it. You have to remember even though you may become a couple, you won't be the same couple. It will be different, but it can be just as wonderful.
He and I know that the heart has a great capacity to love. The heart has compartments. You have that great love that is always a part of you but there is room for more. If that love was wonderful, you may chose to seek it again. It won't be the same love but it can be as sweet. You are not looking to replace the first love, just to find new love is a way to honor that first love. Some can never get passed losing the first love and don't want a new one and feel disloyality to the late spouse. He said on occasion that he wonders if it was being unfaithful to his late wife to love again. I told him it was a decision only he could make but that she would more than likely not want him to be unhappy and if someone came along to love and cherish him, care for him that she would probably be glad that he was not alone. She did not leave him because she wanted to.
I understand that she may come up from time to time, they had two children together. In our case, dealing with a late wife is much easier than dealing with a crazy ex who still walks the streets. He may have something invoke a memory and cry, I would hold him because he hurt. The life he had with his late wife shaped who he is now. Together with her, he became the man that I am enjoying today. His marriage worked, mine didn't. We are both discovering that I know how to communicate, I know how to make a marriage work,(30 years) even though the marriage ended.
She does not come up in every conversation, but he has shared a great deal of their life together to show me how he acts in a marriage. He has some health issues, but no one is promised tomorrow. We have even discussed burial in that he would be buried between us if we chose to marry and of course eventually died.
Everyone has preferences based on past experiences. My previous experience with a widower was not good, this one is different. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:54:51 AM | Whether widowed or divorced seems most people have all this baggage stuff about their ex(s) that they just can't wait to share. They won't be sharing it with me | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/5/2008 4:53:44 PM | | I would rather meet a widow than a lady divorced 2 or 3 times. This eliminates all the drama with the ex's. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:48:21 PM | I understand what you mean. My last boyfriend passed away and although we hadn't married, I loved him very much and wanted to spend my life with him.
That said, I know when guys ask about my last relationship and I mention he passed away.... it's not good. There is definitely a different attitude once they find out. I think that they become afraid that if it's not working for them, they don't want to hurt me. I guess that sounds a little idealistic... but i think it's something like that. That I've already had a tough blow, I'm fragile and they don't want the responsibility of my well being or something. That's my guess. I try not to mention my past anymore. I haven't dated long enough to know what my time to mention it should be, haven't dated anyone long enough to find that out.
I did date a widower recently myself. I figured we both understood that loving one person didn't make us incapable of loving another, if anything, it makes one more appreciative of every moment they have with those they love. It wasn't the right person but in my experience it was just like dating any other person.
Good luck out there.
m | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:05:29 PM | There are obviously different aspects of having been divorced and being widowed.
The death of the relationship is the biggest common factor, as is possibly abandonment. Even with those that have long-time illnesses, death of a spouse is something noone can really prepare for. Those whose spouses die suddenly it's a trauma.
There's also an aspect of anger at the spouse, as crazy as that many sound, a widow/widower may be angry to be alone or suddenly alone. It's illogical but losing a spouse produces all types of irrational responses. For those that haven't recognized or learned to work through those, the danger is that they carry them over whether they intend to or not into another relationship.
There is no timetable for working through a grief process, some seem as though they may never. It is a process and it does require acceptance of that, and the willingness to do what is necessary to acknowledge and worth through the emotional trauma. It is totally possible to be whole and happy and have the capacity to love as much as before.
Hospice offers great services, some have support groups. If that's not available they do publish great material.
Realize if someone is talking to a great extent about the spouse they've lost, they've not processed through their grief. It's not anyone's inherent obligation to date them because you feel sorry for them, in fact that's probably the worst thing to do as it will give them no compulsion to work through their grief. There's no need for anyone to feel misplaced guilt, as such an individual is not ready for another relationship and will not become ready for a relationship until they do deal with their issues. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:59:12 PM | | I was divorced 22 years ago and then widowed 5 years ago so I've experienced both. I think it was a lot harder to date after my divorce then after Wayne's death. After the divorce, I had baggage and trust issues. Grief passes and happy memories remain but even more importantly, I know that it is possible to have a loving, caring relationship that is realistic and can last through the ups and downs so it's easier for me to want to date and find someone to share my life with again. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 7/24/2008 4:52:39 PM | My late husband died after 30 years and 5 children. I married again a few years later, and divorced him after he committed a crime which put him in prison and ended our marriage.
The first marriage was not "perfect" but had lots of fond memories and he's the one who visits my dreams, at times. We separated a few months before he died and were still married.
I dated one widower here whose wife had died about 7 months earlier. She'd been in hospice care for a year or two before that.
It seemed the man was basically lost and trying to make up for missed time, looking for someone to fill his empty bed. I got the impression he wasn't particular, at that point, just didn't know how to be alone and had a lot of wasted hormones.
I don't guess we can categorize widows or widowers as far as how they are going to act in a new relationship. I'd think someone who's had a long-term, committed relationship would be ready, but apparently not all are, and I know not all aren't. A lot depends on how long it's been since the death and where they are in the grief process, as well as other "codependency" issues (do we still use that phrase, these days?).
While I have good and not-so-good memories from both marriages, at least I recognize that each person is unique and so is each relationship, if both people are healthy, resposible, and mature. If we stay flexible in our expectations and keep a sense of humor as well as the committment to the other person and the relationship (and making sure both person's needs get met), it can work. It's not about whether their spouse died or they divorced, it's what the person brings to the new relationship that matters. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/12/2008 7:53:27 PM | I'm not a lady (glad, too... 'cuz people would run!), but I agree with your "brick wall" stuff. I *hate* being alone myself... If that makes me seem "needy", then I guess I'm needy. I actually like human contact.... but I'm not (now or ever) looking for a "quick fix" type relationship...
"I would think divorcees, especially, would appreciate someone actually having fulfilled their vows"
Seems like these people are scared off by the "widow" label. I'm not sure why and I may be imagining things, but it seems they feel "unworthy" around us for some reason... unable to find that "true love" we had. So... to make up for that, they simply ignore us, or otherwise shut us out.
...and, then I find out there are those that pose as widows, for that "sympathy" effect... and still others who think we're looking for a "drop in replacement" for the ones we lost... I think that one ticks me off worse than anything... it even says so in my profile... there's no such thing as a replacement for another human (or animal, for that matter). We're all unique. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:51:47 PM | I do feel, in some respects, widows are discriminated against...not on purpose, but people have a hard time relating to someone who had a positive relationship. My husband didn't want me to be alone after 26 years of a good marriage. I feel people feel uncomfortable because, perhaps, they feel they will be in competition with the dead spouse. Maybe in some instances they would be but you can't put us all in one box!
I can tell you now that I am not a black widow...smile...more auburn! We are just as uncomfortable with you but compatability irons everything out! Do tell. You might even find us fun to have around...Take Care...Be Brave...Take a Chance...You just might be pleasantly surprised!
strawberi50 a.k.a." WIDOW" | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:36:17 PM | I've was divorced after twelve years, widowed after ten by a car accident and would take divorce over being widowed any day.
I've dated several women that thought they had to fill her shoes. It's difficult to convince them that they don't have to fill shoes, but they do have to make memories. "If you want me not to talk about her, then we need to make some memories so I talk about you." Is my favorite, but it often falls on deaf ears. They're already convinced that there's a martyr in my life and they'll never win.
Yes there's memories, so? That's no different than any other relationship. If there's not memories from a relationship then you sat there like a lump and I don't wonder that you're not in it any more.
I like getting out back of beyond and doing some serious hiking. The one that died and I rarely spent a weekend home. We were out exploring, climbing, crawling through mines and caves... We lived in each others hip pockets for ten years.
Quite frankly, I'm spoiled, and it's damn hard to find someone that will go with me. Though they sure like the pictures I take. 
Anger has been mentioned. There's lots of that. "Why did you leave?" can be in anger and tears within ten seconds. The one that hit me hardest was shopping. I'd start thinking something was wrong, then realize that there was a voice missing.
Dating widows has been the best idea for me. They already understand. And it's okay to sit together on the couch, talk about it and cry sometimes. I don't start by myself any more, but certainly can be started by someone else.
Those that haven't lost a partner don't have the depth of experience to understand what losing one is.
And folks that use the phrase, "I know exactly how you feel." Should be shot on sight. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:38:12 PM | | Hey, I am a widow, twice over. I will settle for a good man, be he a widower or a divorcee. What's all the fuss about? A good man is a good man, is a good man. Just as long as he is a good man, and what I am looking for in a third time around. Bring on the bells and whistles...... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/13/2008 6:00:23 AM | My wife of twenty plus years died five years ago, when she passed I still had two boys in high school, overnight I changed hats from a workaholic husband to Mister Mom.
I got very lonely and starved for female companionship, my dating history though was like a Drew Barrymore movie, Fifty First Dates, seemed like there was always something that my kids needed that interfered with any plans I might have made.
Now my youngest is off to college and his brother is in the service, am hoping to pair up someday, not sure that internet dating is the way to go however. I really would like to meet someone to share my life with but kind of get overstimulated with all the pretty women and their nice profiles, how do you know that you will click, chemistry don't always happens right away, takes time.
Looking at all the these profiles and trying to figure how you might like the person that wrote them reminds me of something my kid recently did. My kid entered the kitchen one day as I was sitting at the table reading the paper, he opened the refrigerator door and stared inside for minutes checking everything within, I'll asked him if he was hungry, could I make him something to eat, No thanks Dad he said, I'm just looking, not really hungry right now. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:35:51 AM | | Lol, single and available whether he was divorce or widowed is what people are looking for in this website. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:44:00 AM | | I am a widow too,and the past is history and I don't bring it up on conversation. Some guys bring up their messy divorces , their ex wives ,it is really a drag down. Start a new leaf,a new life because life goes on.. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:45:54 PM | I was with Bill for 15 years and married to him for 12 of those. We knew each other for 30 years and altho we had been divorced about 2 years we still were very close. I dated a little but nothing serious. Then Bill died in an auto accident almost 5 months ago. I took it quite hard. I still had hopes for some kind of future with him even if I didn't even admit it to myself. His family identified me as his surviving soulmate in the obituary. So... yeah... I feel like a widow but am not in any legal sense of the word and do not mean to offend the sensibilities of anyone here.
One of the guys I have dated over the past year is a widower. He never really spoke much about her but I've always been under the impression that they had a good marriage. He and I have drawn closer cuz he has been very kind and understanding. He told me I could talk about Bill and it wouldn't offend him. Sometimes we wind up kind of comparing experiences.
So my problem has been a little different. We have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company but sometimes I find myself worrying that any bond we've forged is based on a similar sad experience we have in common.
So it looks like there's not just one issue/problem that is specific to widows/widowers only. It's just another wave in the dating pool... altho maybe in an isolated cove where not everybody goes. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/15/2008 12:55:34 AM | | It all depends on the attitude of the people involved. The man in my life lost his wife, my husband walked off. The past is the past, our future is new and we are happy with it. Our past shaped our meeting, but is does not dictate what happens with us. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/15/2008 3:05:24 AM | Interesting topic, though I haven't read every single post, I dare to post, apologies if I repeat.
At our age, we all have relationship experience, and everybody has had wonderful moments shared with another partner. I don't see different issues when connecting with someone who's divorced or widow. I have been with divorced guys who couldn't stop talking about how bad it was, or how it was in general. I think that what it counts is to find someone who knows how to carry those past experiences without trying to relive them and reproduce them or even avoid them. Someone who is more willing to live life rather than tell his/her past life story over and over again. The rest, how the other person feels, it might have to do with his/her personal insecurities. Being a romantic partner doesn't mean to be a therapist. Maybe, those who lost their partner recently, be it divorce or death, are more inclined to share their grief, and the new potential partner might only want to start without so many reference points. We owe it to ourselves to keep honouring those who are not with us anylonger, and we owe it to the new partner/s the responsibility of excercising privacy. If a new relationship seems to bring up too many past memories, maybe a good therapist, a good church minister - or whoever is reliable, can be more benefitial for the individual and for the new relationship. The fact that someone is suddenly 'single' because his/her partner passed away does not automatically mean that their relationship was all glory and roses. Though we tend to glorify what's gone.
Good luck OP, keep trying until you find the right companion. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:47:06 PM | I have to say I'm more prone to contact a widower than a divorce' because I feel that someone who understands losing a spouse to death would be more likely to understand how I feel about losing my husband. Yet we would eventually have to get past this and concentrate on our own relationship and make it the best it can be, if we should connect.
I also believe that I would be a better wife or girlfriend or whatever the case may be because of my ability to give and receive love and knowing that life can be very short and time is precious.
He would also be able to talk to me about his former wife and I wouldn't feel like I was trying to take her place or be like her. It would be something more that we could share with each other. We would both know that there was someone before who we loved and cared for and who loved and cared for us, and not be constantly hearing about the pain of their rejection or wonder what might have happened to end their marriage. Also with a divorce there's another person still living that they have to sometimes deal with or there might be a chance of them getting back together and with a widow or widower you don't have that to worry about or deal with. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:55:13 PM |
Quite frankly, I'm spoiled, and it's damn hard to find someone that will go with me.
I'm beginning to think that may be part of my problem, actually. I had a good marriage, and he looked at me in such a way that I felt beautiful and loved every day.
But, there were certainly drawbacks, as in, he was seriously ill for a long time, we were broke a lot, I served as his wife *and* his caregiver, and our intimacy was limited. So, we had a good marriage, but not a perfect marriage. I don't expect anyone to compete with him, but I wouldn't mind being spoiled some more before I get into my dotage.
I know most of the spouses of the widows/widowers here would not want their loved ones to be alone and mourning them for the rest of their lives. My DDH was a special man. I married 'late' (in my 30s) and had dated other special men... he was just the one to reel me in! So I would like to meet more special men, and whether I marry again or not, have that part of my life back, and maybe, someday, see that look in someone else's eyes.
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:30:50 PM | | I'm also a widow- 5 yrs in a few weeks. If I like someone enough, I will tell them of my husband's death- but it's not for any other reason but to let them know my situation and what I may be having to do dealing with it. I didn't ask to be put in this situation but it sure landed in my lap. I will not let it go, and shouldn't be expected to...but if he liked me or had feelings for me I would think he would be more than willing to stand beside me enstead. But most guys can't handle it, and that's fine too- I don't expect them to. I've had several men who were just plain rude.. it's sad when some think your life is over just because of it. | |
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