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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 12:46:23 AM | "Being widowed at 34 with 3 small children, I too ran into the brick walls. People just don't know how to react, don't know how to treat you and are generally uncomfortable. The assumption is that you are carrying "unfinished business" baggage."
Exactly. I couldn't have said it better myself. In my case, however, I do have "unfinished business baggage." In August, it will be three years, and though I have the interest to date, and especially the interest to be with someone again, I'm always a bit reluctant (and sometimes ill) at the thought of it, and I think that people can read this.
I do however want to make a comment about our loved ones and how they'd feel (how they feel, in my opinion) about us spending the rest of our lives alone without them. I know for certain that my husband would not want this, he wishes for nothing more than my happiness... and if it were reversed, I'd want the same for him. Go live life to its fullest.
But maybe I'm just talking to myself at the moment...
Nonetheless, I am being selfish.
Wow, way off topic. Sorry about that. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:06:01 AM | As for the 'unfinished business'.
Yes, I can see how someone looks at a widow/er and might think that.
However, I for one - and I am certain that there are many others out there as well - have it in a 'good place'.
Yes, it hurt - more than I can describe in words. Yes, it was difficult - undoubtablly the most difficult thing that I will have to deal with in my life. Yes, it took time - several years before the thought of another woman even piqued my interest.
However, I am all good now and have been for years. I have greived and, as I said, it is in a good place for me.
It is no different than others who have been in relationships that have ended (not via a death) - 'are they over their ex?' is a question that we often ask. Many of us would not date someone who was not divorced - i.e. not 'over' it to some degree.
Yes, it is all about what people think. No - it might not be accurate - but - it is what it is.
As for 'baggage' - everyone has baggage of one form or another. If you do not 'see' any - either one - you are not looking hard enough or two you are in a very, very select group. Childhood issues playing themselves out in your adult life, your current/most recent relationship issues (alcoholism, drugs, abuse, cheating, etc..), child rearing issues, and on and on and on..... How many people have you met with one or more of these issues????
So - again. It is all what people 'think' and feel. Accurate or no.
We are all human with our frailties. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 6:14:18 AM | Hey 'beam',
As for you having 'unfinished' business... Perhaps.
However, I can remember my 'first' date some two plus years after loosing my wife. I just sat there thinking - I didn't want to be there.
This is not an uncommon thing. I have talked to a number of widow/ers about this. One actually got physically ill.
You will know when you are 'ready' - you will feel it and it will feel right. I am not saying that perhaps you do not have some 'work' to do (greiving). However, when you are ready - you will know.
:-)
Hang tough.
My heart goes out to you and others dealing with the same.
I have walked a mile in those shoes.
Maybe we should start a thread just for widow/ers - talk about such things - i.e. feeling ill on the first date, what it is like the first time you are intimate with someone else, ..... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 9:26:32 AM | I may have been lucky in that my late-great husband didn't want me to be alone. Course, while he was dying and for some months after, I couldn't think of dating anyone... it seemed like a foreign language to even discuss it with a friend.
But I think he has influenced me from beyond.... pushed me into my current relationship...
I think he is still a part of my life.
That kind of friendship doesn't end just because they do.
And in knowing and accepting that, I find it easy to move on.
I also find very little resistance and worry from others when they learn I am a widow. I don't whine or discuss his death unless they ask details. They can see that I am happy and I think that helps those who haven't experienced a close death to see that life goes on.
Though I now feel like an expert on preperation for demise. Just spoke with my brother about what he needs to do so that the family doesn't have any issues to deal with... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 10:48:32 AM | | Hi, I too was the only one to take care of my husband for the last 5 months of his life. It's extremly crushing to watch the one you love slowly die in pain one day at a time. He did not want hospice- he only wanted me and our dog elvis. It has made me stronger and it's only been 4 months ago. You are right--we were blessed with courage , Gail | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 12:09:27 PM | Hi everyone,
Thanks for the response.
I didn't mean to change this into an "I'm ready" vs. "I'm not ready" thread, because the OP clearly said that he is ready. I guess I just have a hard time seeing that this can ever truly happen -- I admire those who have made it that far. I always get just to the point where I say YES, let's go have coffee, or let's go to a movie, and then I'm stressed, agitated, and sometimes a complete mess the days and the night before the date. That tells me something (loud and clear), and even though I want more than anything to move on and more important, to live again, what bothers me most is that it's not fair to all of the other people involved in this, e.g., the date, friends, family. Then in turn I get upset with myself and wonder what the heck is wrong with me. It's all like some vicious cycle that never ends.
I have noticed a difference between widows/widowers who lost their spouse to a prolonged illness and a sudden death. Here, I'm not in the slightest comparing our pain. It does seem, however, that people who lost their spouses to illness bounce back a bit quicker/better than those of us who are still wondering what the hel happened?? Perhaps that IS my biggest hang up, and until I'm able to understand it, and until I'm able to process it and to some degree, accept it, it will forever (unfortunately) paralyze me.
From this perspective, I can easily see why men would want to steer away from me. It's not that they're cold-hearted or anything -- yet when you are searching for a partner, you want that partner to be your partner fully. Who wants to "share" somebody? Not many. In all honesty, I will love my husband always, and thus, in that sense, somebody would have to share me. Again, that's not fair to anybody. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 12:44:48 PM | beam11 - I think all of us who are widowed can share in your thoughts about still loving the ones we lost. However, there is a huge difference between "loving" and being "in love." To be sure, I will always love my late wife. She will be in my heart forever.
For some, maybe that's enough. For me, it isn't. I miss touching, holding, kissing, talking or just sitting on a sofa together and everything else that goes along with being in love. There is no conflict between these two types of love, and there should be no roadblock to finding happiness in this life once again.
Your post saddens me for 2 reasons. One - because you are unhappy and struggling. Two - because your situation reinforces the doubts so many have about relationships with widows and widowers. We all go through a period of transition, mine being about 18 months before I was completely ready to invest all of me in a new relationship. Perhaps yours is simply longer.
I would encourage you to pray for peace of heart. God is good and He will help you through this challenge. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 2:09:19 PM | Some women feel that it's difficult to live up to an idealized relationship. That can be like competing with a ghost. I hope this helps.
Hope you realize that you are expecting the widows/widowers Idealize their relationship. We have truly learned what reality is. I am sure 99% of us are committed to a new loving relationship. Certainly we wouldn't put up with abuse from the new person because we know how short life can be. If anyone is insecure about their ability to be a good partner, then they should be dating anyone until they have resolved their issues/baggage, and got enough self esteem to be in a loving relationship. If you don't love yourself stay home and work on your love of self before you even start dating. If you are looking for a relationship to fix you - that will never work not matter what the status for the other person is. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 3:47:32 PM | Well over my lifespan I have learned that you can love many people in many ways. If the women dismiss you simply because you are a widower - then they are the ones with the problem not you and it would be a good indicator of their insecurity.
I often get asked why I never married in a tone that implies there must be something wrong with me - I steer clear of those men. If they had asked in sincere interest, I would have told them why.
You might look at the way some women react to your being widowed as an indicator of whether or not you should or want to be getting involved with them.
I personally don't think you should remove it from your profile as it is part of who you are.
just my 2c | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 4:07:00 PM | Hey Alone, don't lose heart....
I too am a Christian and frankly, I'd rather date a widower. To me, it indicates that the guy is capable of a successful lasting relationship, but is no longer in one for reasons entirely out of his control. As for worrying about competing with the deceased, it's a waste of time; each of us is a separate, precious individual, created as God intended us to be. Or as a teacher once told me, you can only ever be second-best at being someone else....
Speaking of which, the right person will come along in God's time, not ours, so don't lose faith.... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 4:37:55 PM | | Someone who dates a former caregiver should feel quite secure in that they too would have someone who would care for them in their time of need, when the time comes. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 8:26:24 PM | | There are some amazing widow/widowers on this forum. What together people they are with the life experiences to prove it. I would have to agree that those widowed after long term illness have had much more time to deal with widowhood before the death occures, than those who have experienced the suddden death of a spouse. In my case, 18 months was given to me to prepare myself. For the first year, I was still falling asleep thinking - "I will wake up tomorrow and it will all have been a bad dream". It took me several years to be completely free to be in another relationship. It probably sound terrible to anyone who has been through it, but the first year (was almost 10 years) that I forgot the anniversary of my late husbands death was such a relief to me. Some time after the first year, I knew I had to stop feeling the intensity on the pain I was going through or I would break. The character I was born with doesn't do broken, so I started to heal. I have strong opinions on who I will date. I made or almost made many mistakes during my time of healing from which I had to learn. No one, no matter how caring could have taught me - I had to learn from myself. If I sound uncaring to those who wish to date me when I don't think they are ready - please know that through experience I have learned the signs of people who aren't ready to move forward, and I won't stand in the way the healing you need to do for yourself. Yes, we need caring friends to help us, but a real relationship isn't possible during that time of healing. And yes, some people never truly heal. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/5/2006 10:17:57 PM | Dear Alone2soon,
I, too, read your profile. I am an older, very recently widowed Christian lady. Were I 20 years younger, and ready for dating, I would gladly respond to it. I am sure that many others will in time. Don't get discouraged, and just remember that anyone who is put off by your candid, heartfelt honesty probably wouldn't fit ino your life anyway. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 4:05:11 AM | I'm not widowed, I'm divorced but certainly would feel honored to have a man like Alone2soon look my way.  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 5:09:29 AM | I recently started dating a newly widowed man, and as Bodaciousboomer said, a lot of times I feel I am being subconsciously compared to his wife. I've read where, if the marriage was a good one, widowers may have setbacks when re-entering the dating world. We have had a great time for the past two months, but I think that is what is happening with him now. It's Easter time...He has three children...I can actually FEEL the emotional withdrawal. I think that many widows and widowers just don't realize that they do this.
BB, good luck to you! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 5:25:27 AM | | Dating a newly widowed, divorced or separated person isn't a good idea unless you are both just looking for company. Every one need time to heal and get a grip on the new reality of their lifestyle, and learn to be at peace with it. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 6:02:53 AM | | The grieving process averages three to five years and there a several steps involved. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are all triggers for grief. In time it giets easier, but one will never forget and never cease to love the person they have lost. That love does turn into fond memories of good times shared while memories of the hard times become less harsh. Human frailty aside, we all have the capacity to love more than one person. The love may be different, but it is still love. After being part of a couple for so long, one needs time, after the grieving process to learn how to be single.Learn how to be comfortable with yourself. You can't be comfortable with others until then. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:09:54 AM | | Lynlin1957 This is a true picture of the process of grieving. Part of all of us wants to skip the grieving process not matter how the marriage ended. After going through this process, I believe we can look back and see how this painful experience has made us a much better, and well grounded person. It has been my experience that once the grieving process is over life is all the sweeter. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 7:13:31 PM | Hi alone2soon:
No I can not explain this any better than you...but I have my own solution.
Oh boy are you so right. I am in Ontario Canada and having a demon of a time. The light went out of my world Aug 03. Now when a guy sees that I am a widow I am flagged. I have dated a few men, but they all say they can't get over 2 things. One I am a widow and two my son lives with me and is very kind, considerate and caring of mom. I am a lover of many things that I thought would be more of a threat to men than being a widow with a 25 yr old son residing with me.....but I was so wrong.
I love classic cars, (own 2 of them and 2 antique) I can change my own oil, do a brake job on my restored blazer.......I thought this type of thing would pose a threat, but oh no....Like you said you think they would be interested in a woman or man who was faithful to the end. A woman who loved and cared for her husband and family for many many years. OH NO. All they seem to see is big shoes to fill and my son watching them. Good Grief my son is on this dating site too. He is not hoovering like a vulture. He just wants to know mom is safe.
While I know completley how much you must miss your special lady and I can relate....well I have managed to do one thing. I am only going to date widowers. All the divorcees can sit on a tack. I have some morals of my own. I don't want someone elses left over mistake...Most guys are divorced for a good reason, and I really don't want to find out what that reason is at the expense of my valuable time. So I only date widowers, with a pic posted.
God Bless us both in this our quest for compionship, love, friendship. or ????? We are going to need his blessings and more.
My prayers are with you.
classyplus | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:09:28 PM | | I wanted to take just a moment and thank everyone for participating in this thread. The response has been more than I expected and I appreciate your shared experiences and remarks. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/7/2006 8:56:36 PM | | classyplus - u go women. Lady after my own heart. Men don't want to date me because of the work I do for charity in Cuba both for people and animals. Call me crazy - but helping others is a problem? The fact that I live with rescue rottweillers (well trained (by me) sweet as hell - can the dating males I have meet deal with it - hell no - they want me to become average - as they see average to be - Good Luck with that! I am having a wonderfull life - they haven't got a hope in hell of me becoming like them. I know that there is someone out there who will see my value, and they will be worth my wait for us to find each other. Love to all the brave heart courageously seeking their worth next mate. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 7:12:12 AM | MustLoveDogs, (great movie BTW)
subconsciously compared??? :-S
Comparison is something that humans do. Widowed or no.
"those that do not study history are destined to repeat it"
How many people have deployed the proverbial 'red flag' dating someone and seeing some behaviour that they are familiar with from a former relationship - good or bad???
I know that there are people out that have an aversion to someone who drinks because they had an alchoholic ex. So when they see someone having a drink are they thinking - "uh oh - an alchoholic like my ex???" Or when someone gets cut off in traffic and the driver yells at them they find themselves thinking "uh oh - bad temper like my ex???"
Perhaps you are overthinking this? Talk to the guy about it.
I can imagine that there are some out there that can do this comparison thing - and that might well included widow/ers.
Too, perhaps it is merely the end of the 'honeymoon' stage. We have all been there. Initially, it is all good. Then you wake up one day and see a 'flaw'.
I personally think that TOO MANY people have 'issues' and that many people - want it all. OMG - he left the toilet seat up - the toilet paper is goin' over the wrong side on the roll... Silliness like that.
We are all human. As such, we have flaws. ALL OF US. However, when you can look past ones flaws and see the good - always - then you have got it.
Whether they are widow/ers, formerly married to alcholics, were former alcholics, etc... whatever it may be, they are all human and will have flaws.
Lets not get all jacked up here over something - that might not exist.
TALK TO THE GUY.
Too, the flip side. Hypersensitivity (or over reacting). There are people who do this too.
So, let's all take deep breathe, back the bus up and do something rather than thinking 'bout it.
Now, if you talk to the guy and he says "well, yes - I was thinking about it - I suppose" Then - you have something to go on. Or if he says, "I really don't think that I do that" - then HE has something to go on - how you feel. He should know that. If he is a good man - it will be all good either way.
K?
Now I will step down off my soap box and do some yard work.
Best to everyone here. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 9:05:36 AM | I would encourage anyone to look up a local Hospice in your area. They have many printed materials, videos and information about the grieving process. Many Hospices have ongoing widow/widower support groups. It's a terrific healing place to be, you participate as much as you want or don't want to. Noone has to talk, if you want you can just sit and listen. You will be with others whose stories and experiences will strike chords of familiarity with you, no two situations are alike, but they are similar. My husband died suddenly and tragically at the age of 31, I was also nearly killed myself. Woke up in Intensive Care the next day. So, yes my road of recovery and healing would be somewhat different than some others. I DID heal and I availed myself of any and all resources available. Please don't think you have to suffer alone or you have to figure out how to heal yourself. Do reach out and let others give help and love to you.
We will all love our late spouses for the rest of our days. They were taken, we didn't give them up, we were robbed of our future with them. Why would we NOT love them? We certainly have the capacity to love more than one person as a partner and to freely love another to the same depth and as fully as we loved our late spouse. They certainly would not wish any less for us. It takes a special understanding and compassion to find someone who will accept that and not try to push aside our memories or expect us to never talk about this person or remember them. They still have a place in our lives and hearts, that should never change.
I sincerely hope all of you come to a place where you feel whole and you give yourself permission to have another amazing love and life time companion. You are certainly deserving of it. Remember the right person will love you and accept you just as you are right now. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 12:09:33 PM | Hey moriama
Glad you live in Guelph......darn I knew this city had some class somewhere.
Go for the brass ring.
classy | |
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