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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 12:13:15 PM | Hey alone2soon.
Glad I was allowed to put in my 2 cents.
You've hot all the right stuff to offer that special lady. ( and your hot too) Don't give up the ship. I don' t think the sucker is sickin yet. lol
Take Care
Live well and be happy.
classyplus | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 1:23:37 PM | classyplus You have an excellent profile, and sound like an amazing women. Sounds like we are very alike. I am actually in Guelph/Eramosa, but this system won't let me put the whole thing in. Have lived in this area for years. Love the energy, and freshness that the University of Guelph brings to the City. I would like it if plf had a function for 50+ people that would be other than a drinking or pool party format. It would be great to have a special one for widow/widowers. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to set something like this up.
Maybe the Widow/widowers on this particular forum might give thought to having a special night in their areas for a meet and greet. If nothing else, we could celebrate how good life can be after the grieving process is over. Possible we could encourage others still going through the process. Maybe even meet our future mate. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 1:35:21 PM | Really somewhat strange this?
Why would it be any worse starting a relationship with a widow/widower?
I should think if you're out there looking for love and companionship again people should simply take you at face value?
Why should there be any difference relating past experiences (good ones that is) whether you're divorced or widowed?
I often think that many people will simply use any excuse ????? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 5:15:20 PM | Hey Alone--
I was widowed at 37 on 4/1/2000. I know exactly what you mean about the too soon thing.
It's now a bit more than six years later. I still grieve, but the mourning is over. It doesn't monopolize my thoughts any more. That's been replaced by an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
It's my personal theory that divorcees and widow/ers are fundamentally different in their thinking. Most people like you and me have a good image of relationships in general, and our DHs in particular. Speaking for myself, I really and truly did have a storybook marriage. Kathy and I raised our voices at one another maybe four times during the entire course of it. Divorcees on the other hand, have bad memories of their spouses. So you get two opposite ends of the spectrum-- divorcees as a group tend to be distrustful, and widow/ers tend towards being *too* trusting. At least I do.
The last few women I've dated have been widowed, and lemme tell you they were all plumb crazy. They say that losing a spouse or a child is the worst trauma a non- war veteran can go through. Dunno if that's true of not, but yeah, it changes you right down to the core. It sure changed the ones I dated, and I know it's changed me.
People our age are more cautious than I remember from before I was married. The tiniest thing can disqualify you-- One widow I know rejected a man on the basis that he blinked too much! There may be a grain of truth that widowed women are looking for a 'rescuer', but then, so do a lot of divorcees. With all the walls and arbitrary rejections I'm amazed anyone gets together at all. "S/He's too fat. He doesn't make enough money. She has a few wrinkles." It goes on and on.
But your question was how to get through to them. Scheisse, I wish I knew. Widows build walls out of fear and divorcees build them out of distrust for the male species. If you ever find out what women want, let me know ASAP!
To any divorced prospective lady out there: Yes, I will always love my wife and cherish her memory. But SHE'S DEAD and she's not coming back and she's no threat to you. Honest.
Also, to any prospective lady reading this who's widowed. Your husband is dead & is not coming back either, and no, you'll never meet anyone like him again. The widow/ers I've talked with who've remarried or are in new relationships tell me the new one is just as good, but ineffably different. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 6:26:40 PM |
It's my personal theory that divorcees and widow/ers are fundamentally different in their thinking.
You raised a lot of good points in your post. I can tell you've "been there." As for your theory, I agree wholeheartedly. I can tell you and I share a painful experience and, most likey, an increased awareness of the gift God created in a loving wife.
..... but the mourning is over. It doesn't monopolize my thoughts any more. That's been replaced by an overwhelming sense of loneliness.
Yes. And it is such a waste. Knowing what I lost makes me want to find it again. God willing, "she" will cross my path. Hopefully, before we're both too old to chase each other around the house :)
I know you're holding out for the real thing, as am I .... and the clock says "Tick Tick Tick" | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 7:17:54 PM | I've lost my sense of what "mourning " is, exactly. Everything happened so fast. One moment we were looking at a fantastic life of early retirement, and then boom. I have developed this weird fantasy that in the summer he is the butterflies, and in winter, the wood peckers, checking in and saying hello to me.
The one thing I know, irrevocably, is that he would not want me to be alone forever.
Long ago, I was divorced. Widowed is so different, at least in my circumstances of each, that there is no comparison. I wanted to be divorced. My late husband was nine years younger than I....I never thought I would lose him to the grim reaper.
But. I'm managing. People tell me that I'm a wonderful example of how to cope. Maybe so, but darn it, I miss having a companion to share things with. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 8:14:50 PM | I so seldom post on these forums but this thread has touched my soul. I also am a widow and have been so for almost 12 years. I'm content with who I am .. I date, my life is full and one day I know there'll be a special person for me.
At this stage in my life I find dating quite different than when I was much younger. I'm retired, independent, love to travel, actively involved in my community, financially secure and in all honesty some men find all of this a bit overwhelming.
I don't believe it has anything to do with the fact that I'm widowed ( in my other life I was also divorced) but more with who I am today vs yesterday.
Some of you who are widowed or are dating widowed people may find some support at this site www.widownet.org
Michael created it after the death of his wife; he realized there wasn't sufficient support in his home town. Today he is happily remarried.
There are many menus, get togethers and even an area for the guys!
Let me wish you all the peace and happiness that each of you deserve.
Inamorata | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 8:46:15 PM |
Everything happened so fast. One moment we were looking at a fantastic life of early retirement, and then boom.
Funny thing ... I started this thread and it seems I go off topic more than anyone else here - lol. Sometimes a poster will just touch on something that brings thoughts and feelings to the surface and I have to let them out.
From my own experience, I know how quickly things can turn. We are not promised tomorrow and, sometimes, it doesn't arrive as planned.
If/when you find yourself in love .... never let the sun go down without saying "I love you." Take the time, even if it seems a little too mushy, to look your partner in the eye and let them know how much they mean to you. Hold them. Touch them. Pray for them.
Today may be the last day you'll be together. You don't want to spend the rest of your life thinking ... I could have ... I should have ... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/8/2006 9:10:18 PM | | jerryb1961 I agree with all you said but must comment on your statment "There may be a grain of truth that widowed women are looking for a 'rescuer', but then, so do a lot of divorcees". Hello! Have you any idea how many men fit that description. Way too many for my taste. I hear so many men say that they couldn't possible travel alone. I always figure, it I can do it, so can they. A very saddest date was the widower who bought along a photo album of his assets - I felt like he was trying to buy a new wife as quickly as possible - and it never occured to me that I had my only assets, so why would I want him so that I could rescue him. Needy people at our age are to be avoided at all costs. Again, another example of "you have to learn to love yourself to find any kind of peace". | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 5:41:13 AM | Inamorata,
I too, am a member of widownet.org, since Feb. 2002. It's a great site for anyone widowed at any age. Michael is truely an inspiration to us all!
There is another great site I would also recommend. YWBB.org. This site is best suited for younger widows/widowers.
JerryB, all I can say is,  , miss ya in chat!
Alone, you are so right. People forget to use those 3 simple little words. "I Love You".....simple yet so meaningful. I for one happen to cherish those 3 little words more then ever. Those were the last words my husband heard from me. I've always said those were powerful words. He was a healthy 46 year old male who who died suddenly less then 7 minutes after I said those words....what a wonderful memory this is. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 6:26:56 AM | Hell, if you lived closer, I would love to date you.  It is a bit daunting to date a widowed man, for the reason you stated (of living up to the late wife) But, I think, the benefits far outweigh that. I don't want to seem flippant here, but at least, he doesn't go back to the ex. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 6:48:30 AM | I went to a grieving class at my church a few years ago. It was interesting as both divorced and widowed people were in the group. What we found was that, initially, the grieving was following the same path then each went in an entirely different direction. The divorced population remembered more of the bad times, while the widowed population remembered more of the good times. I have a lady friend that has been widowed twice, the most recent, 9/15/05. I have been divorced twice and many times we will talk about our thoughts. Through her, I am more able to understand the thought processes of the widowed person, whether male or female. I, myself, would love to find a man like alone2soon, especially after reading all of his posts. What I look for is what is in a man's soul, and his heart.
I haven't dated since my last divorce five years ago. Not for any particular reason, I just haven't come across anyone that is of interest. Perhaps, someday, I'll meet someone that I will spend the rest of my life with but it's entirely OK with me if that opportunity doesn't come along. There's quite a difference between "needing" a man and "wanting" a man. The most devastating loneliness I have ever felt was feeling the loneliness of being in the same house with someone that is hiding his infidelity and I didn't know, at first, why he was treating me the way he was. Taking into consideration that I'll be 54 in July, I may have an entirely viewpoint than the younger posters.
I wish everyone here only happiness,
Kathy | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 9:35:21 AM | | Some of us DO appreciate a man that takes his vows to mean a lifetime of love, caring and devotion. I have dated a few men who have lost a soulmate, some hold all women to that standard, some are just not ready because they are looking for HER again and some are ready to move on to something new. I can't understand why 3 ladies in 3 months have said that to you, maybe that's her issue not yours, what do you think ?? | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 12:57:34 PM | Hi K--
Yeah, Widownet's good especially for newbies, but it gets a little whiney for my taste sometimes. People go on and on about how empty they feel, but a good number of them (oldtimers) derive a sort of perverse martydom from being widowed, being more interested in complaining than actively trying to feel better. Regarding Widowfriends Chat, and not to stray too far off-topic here, the room has just hit rock-bottom in the past six or seven months. Cliques and backstabbing, politicking and gossipping. Any time the punc-to-person ratio goes above 30% you know there's something going on. There are a lot of good and decent folks but it's just no fun when you have to put half the room on ignore. I quit going there two or three weeks ago. The good ones have my email address (bookter at bookter.com). It's been six years now as of 4/1, and I've reached a stage where I'm not so much a widower now than a single man who is widowed, which is another reason I've left. I just don't feel like I belong there any more.
Back to the topic---> Yes, those three little words are the last ones that Kathy ever told me, and the last words I ever spoke to her that she understood. I'm very, very lucky to be able to say that. A lot of widow/ers never have the chance to have what is the best goodbye of all.
Smooch!  | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 12:59:43 PM | Just thought I'd pop in and say that my late-great husband passed away 7/7/04, but that I still remember him on his birthday with a special tribute that he started for his own father.
My husband's brother joins in too. I generally can't make it down to the gravesite on the specific day; but I have my own way of participating.
The late-great husband and his father drank two different bourbons, and were very particular about which each drank.
On their birthday we toast to them; drink a swig of their fav swill, and then pour some on the grave. It soaks it right up!!
Yeah, this is goofy as all get out, but the man started this and the family will finish it.
It's ok to remember your loved ones.
They are all around you and celebrate your special days with you still. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/9/2006 1:16:32 PM | I'm also a member over at widownet, and tend to agree with Jerryb. It was cathartic in the early days, but after a while it began to frighten me. I know there are many there who feel they couldn't have gotten through the first few years without the support of it, but I don't go there much anymore unless I feel the need for a good cleansing cry. I was already a very active part of another support forum (for weight loss) and my friends there and IRL were not only there during the worst times, but they also made me LAUGH. I badly needed to be around people who could make me laugh through my tears.
Now I have to log on over there and see what on earth has happened to chat....
Kay | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/10/2006 2:09:21 PM | Just last week I realized I had stopped crying for what I had lost and caught myself smiling because it has happened. I married the love of my life and we had a grand adventure for 25 years. He died in my arms a little over a year ago. I have spent time on my knees trying to put the pieces back together again.
I recently accepted a lunch date with a client who tried to slobber all over and grope me-I went to the ladies room and vomited. Clearly, I am not ready to date and don't think I'll ever want to traditionally "date" again. I miss the companionship, conversation, harmony and downright hilarious fun equaled with that wonderful sexual chemistry.
May I ask you the most personal of questions? How was it the first time you were intimate after your loss? I am afraid that part of my life is over and I find that a profound loss, as well. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/10/2006 4:25:09 PM | Lullabelle...
How was it the first time you were intimate after your loss?
Scared to death and I felt like I was cheating on my husband! | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/10/2006 5:24:43 PM |
How was it the first time you were intimate after your loss?
I found meeting someone new, with potentially romantic inclinations, to be far more uncomfortable than reaching an intimate level. Holding another woman's hand was the largest challenge. Once I made it past the barrier of simply meeting with another woman, I was fine.
You have no reason to feel guilty about trying to move on with your life. The animal who was groping you would likely make many women feel like vomiting.
In my case, it was 18 months before I knew it would be fair to a potential match for me to put myself out there. Your comfort level may take longer, and it only stands to reason. After all, the thought of intimacy is far different for a woman as she offers so much more of herself than a man.
...and don't think I'll ever want to traditionally "date" again.
Boy ... do I understand that! I often wish "she" would just knock on the door and say "I'm here to get married." It would put a quick and welcome end to this frustrating search.
Take your time. Don't let loneliness push you into a poor decision you will regret later. I offer one line of simple advice to all women who are "looking." Don't settle for any man who doesn't see you as a gift from God. | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/11/2006 9:02:00 PM | | I also became a widow at the age of 47. So I know how you feel, about being alone. But these ladys are crazy for not dateing you and finding out what you have to offer as a single man. I had rather date a widower because he wouldn't have the big problems with x calling and needing this and that. All the problems that come up with children are a big problem with dateing a man with an x. So you just keep trying and one of these women will relize how good life would be with a widower. If you see one my age let me know... | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/12/2006 1:54:26 PM | | Do you know what I think? Perhaps people feel threatened by the fact that we had a very good marriage. I've been told, there would always be wedge between us if a relationship began. What hogwash! As much as I love and miss my husband dearly, one must go on and enjoy the now. Good luck to you (me too, I hope) | |
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| Widows & Widowers - a brick wall
Posted: 4/12/2006 1:58:03 PM | | What you say makes a whole lot of sense. Perhaps I'll change my profile to read "single." Gee whiz, what's the matter being widowed? | |
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