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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/12/2006 4:21:58 AM | (d) 30-39 - A big factor. They probably think you were depressed as a guy, or afraid of women. Or, if you're a woman, you're a huge prude and have some issues dealing with that. You'll need a darn good explanation, as they'll otherwise assume that you've got no real relationship or dating experience... and at this age, that's scary!
Of course that's just the problem. People who think that are stereotyping people by age. I've never been depressed. Never been in need of depression medication. I've been a practical person, and don't believe in getting myself into trouble with a relationship unless I know enough of the truth of the person I'm getting involved with. The last thing I want to do is find myself in a custody battle because I had sex with a married woman who is married to someone else, or chooses to dump me for someone else because of their preconceived notions of what a perfect person ought to be. Neither do I want to have sex with anyone who can't at least tell me if they've been tested for STDs. A woman who has had many partners is that much more likely to need to be tested. Let's put it this way, anyone who I would get into a relationship with, will see me for who I am, not what I am. And when that's obvious, they'll never want to dump me for someone else. Cause I wouldn't dump them either if they are truly seeing me for who I am.
I'm not afraid of women. I'm more afraid of the dishonesty that I run into with the people I've dated. Find me one honest woman, and I'll marry her assuming she likes Classical music and doesn't smoke. That's all I'm asking for. When you find someone who is dishonest, you never know where the dishonesty begins or ends. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/14/2006 8:08:54 AM | Well if you at that age and still a virgin, you really have to find the right "type" of woman, who has similar values and ideas. Otherwise, she will dump you cold.
If your virginity is a religous decision, find someone at your church of the same personality type.
If its because of anxiety depression, you find someone who has suffered similar problems and would be more empatethic about your situation.
Another idea...if you area 40 yr old virgin who is in decent shape, go after a shy 19 year old virgin. lol might make more pleasurable...I dunno just a passing thought! | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/14/2006 8:35:45 AM | | to some people looseing your virginity is very important to them.Cause most girls want to loose it to the perfect guy.Some girls want to go ahead and get it over with to see what its all about. If your a virgin wait and find a guy that you know wont hurt you and that cares about your feelings since your first time,let it be with someone you trust and care about.Dont just give it away to someone you hardly know or dont trust...You will prob end up hurt if you do it that way. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/14/2006 8:43:40 AM | (d) 30-39 - A big factor. They probably think you were depressed as a guy, or afraid of women. Or, if you're a woman, you're a huge prude and have some issues dealing with that. You'll need a darn good explanation, as they'll otherwise assume that you've got no real relationship or dating experience... and at this age, that's scary! --------------------------------------------------------------------- This is based on friend who lost his virginity last year at age 39. He had suffered social anxiety and was very shy and bookish. I don`t think it came as any suprise to the last woman he was with that he had little or no relationship experience. He was very introverted, and never talked much. All you had to do is look at him from the getgo. But she agredd to date him despite those facts and are now engaged.
However,they would question if you were the life of the party. That might take alot of explaining | |
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xikita
| Joined: 11/16/2005 Msg: 181 | |
| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/17/2006 1:38:41 PM | It's interesting to read how many different people don't make such a big deal about virginity. It seems that most guys out there will NOT date a virgin...
Nowadays, with all the social pressure from the media and peers, a lot of couples just want to rush into things and be sexually active without really getting to know each other.. and that's where all those STD's come into play... yeah..those that have become so common, it seems more like a "trend"...
I was brought up with the belief that one should wait until marriage to be sexually intimate, but it seems like it's become a very "normal" thing. It amazes me how people have distorted the true meaning of being "intimate," of "making love". They make it seem so plain, when it should be such a beautiful thing...
Yes, the more "educated" one becomes, the more one interacts with others, the more "open-minded" he/she becomes... to think of it, is it really "open-mindedness" (that's probably not a word, lol) or is it that some of us just hop on that van wagon in order to be accepted by society?
As for me, I always try to be myself. I'm goofy and playful, but I demand respect. I'm very sensual in a sense, but I also set boundaries. I try not to send the wrong message, but we're all human and things can get heated up quickly lol.. Unfortunately, as soon as a guy finds out I'm a virgin (by choice) they just won't even bother to get to know me better. It's happened before, many, many times, and I know it will continue to happen, but it doesn't disappoint me anymore. I know I will one day, find the right guy who accepts me just the way I am, and who would be willing to wait when the right moment comes.
I've been told I have a magnetic personality, and obviously that attracts many different kinds of people... so I've dated quite a bit. I try to get to know the person and wait until that trust is built to tell him I'm still a virgin... you know, probably give him some time to fall in love with my personality. In the past, those who stayed, were willing to wait (but eventually gave up.. lol), and those who wouldn't stay, were the ones who obviously couldn't wait... and that is also respected. The funny thing is that they keep coming back... just to find out that "NO, I HAVEN'T GIVEN IT UP YET!!!!" and even if I did... you had your chance and didn't take on the opportunity, now screw you... (sounds cold, but it's true!)
All I can say is that the man I decide to settle with can be sure that I will make him very happy!!! (Just because you don't have the "hands-on" experience does not mean you are not educated in the matter...or willing to learn!!! lol)
(Sorry, this "reply msg" got kinda long...) | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/17/2006 4:57:50 PM | Funny how this topic has been done to death obviously it is a big deal otherwise we wouldnt have so many threads about the subject. It's a big deal when it doesn't have to be as for me my sexual experience (or lack of) does not define me it's actually a very small part of who I am Right now, getting laid isn't very high on my list of priorities as a matter of fact it never really was sure i get horny, and i have hormones like every other guy but i guess maybe i have more self control then others. i have never succumbed to peer preasure and i never bought into all this BS the media and society shoves down our throats everyday. I guess I'm a very cynical guy I'm also very stubburn I REALLY don't like being told what to do. Being a virgin isn't a big deal atleast not to me anyway. but it is to everyone else sadly it is and it shouldn't be. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 5:22:21 AM | Having not had sex for years I am now classified as a re-virgin. If there are any women out there who would like to take advantage of that please contact me IMMEDIATELY!
TY | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 6:05:32 AM | i have bigger things to worry bout in life then loosing my virginity.
Bigger things maybe, but this obviously ranks up quite high or else why would you be posting about it and then responding on the thread so actively? If it's affecting your relations with the opposite sex and your self-image, then I have a tough time believing it's not a pretty serious source of concern to you.
My guess is that you're not being totally honest with yourself about this, and maybe you don't know how. This isn't a condemnation, I'm just trying to shed some light on the matter. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 8:08:18 AM | | It shouldn't be that big of a deal but it is. I hate the questions and the pressure! I love how some (not all, I know!!!) guys seem like they love virgins, and want to be the first to "pop the cherry" but then if you are over 18 they get all wierded out. They wonder why, and I think they don't want the responsibility. I understand, they must be afraid too. It makes me wonder...If a girl is over 18, and still a virgin, is she obligated to tell her partner? Is it dishonest if she doesn't? | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 9:52:02 AM | i do have bigger things to attend to in life...... i am posting about it and discussing about it because it is for the sake of having a discussion about it and wanting to see other's point of view on the matter. i am the type of person that i like to be very conversive and do not - repeat DO NOT have any reason to be affected with my relations with the opposite sex. it is a simple point of mind over matter, if it was a serious source of concern, then logically wouldn't i have done something about it by this point in life? i appreciate you trying to "shed light" on the matter, but much like the majority of society, do not base judgement on a person that you know absolutely nothing about. being honest with myself is the only way i live my life. if i cant be honest with myself, then how am i going to be honest with anyone else?
i honestly do not put much emphasis on the matter, whether you choose to believe me or not its your decision........matters not to me. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 11:47:47 AM | Wow - you reacted pretty strongly to me there.
if it was a serious source of concern, then logically wouldn't i have done something about it by this point in life?
No. Logically, there is a rather serious psychoemotionally rooted cause for why it hasn't happened, because 27 years old is very unusual for a virgin unless you have religious or medical reasons for not having sex, reasons which so far you have not mentioned.
do not base judgement on a person that you know absolutely nothing about.
Look, pal. You came on here posting about a very private matter in your life, something that most people would call "airing your dirty laundry," and now you're retracting with the "you don't know the whole story" defense. If there's more to it, say so, otherwise we can only respond on the facts you've given.
if i cant be honest with myself, then how am i going to be honest with anyone else? Exactly. And let's clarify terms for the sake of keeping this a productive conversation. Being "dishonest" is not the same as "not revealing the whole truth" (though there is overlap). What you're doing is hiding something which apparently is causing you a good deal of angst.
whether you choose to believe me or not its your decision........matters not to me. No one starts discussion threads if what other people have to say truly doesn't matter to them unless they're absolutely psychotic, which you don't seem to be. Posts about your virginity don't occur spontaneously, nor does virginity at 27 years of age either. If there's something in your past or about yourself which you aren't revealing - and I'm not going to start speculating because it could be a whole variety of things - then you need to bring it to light or else we can't be of much use to you here. I'm not looking to give you a hard time, but I won't pretend to have answers for you either when important facts seem to be missing. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/24/2006 3:10:50 PM | I think it makes a lot of difference when in life. When I was young and a virgin it had some significance. In my fifties, if we have mutual interest and they're still a virgin then either 1) they are too young or 2) they are too frigid.
In reality it doesn't make much difference even when young except in the extremes. A playboy is always a playboy and should be avoided and a Nun should also be left to her devotionals. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/28/2006 2:00:35 PM | This is just a side topic but, does anyone here fear about going to their graves completely and utterly alone. I do. I don't mind being a virgin some days but its the being and feeling this emptiness inside that makes me feel like not waking up in the morning. You know. And when I mean empiness inside and not waking up in the morning, I don't mean suicide. Okay! I basically mean that human beings are suposed to be social animals, sometimes I feel like I'm more of an animal then the social part. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/28/2006 3:05:35 PM | No. Logically, there is a rather serious psychoemotionally rooted cause for why it hasn't happened, because 27 years old is very unusual for a virgin unless you have religious or medical reasons for not having sex, reasons which so far you have not mentioned.
Neither is true for me, and I'm 35. It is just a matter of luck that the people who I could develop a relationship with have never been near me because of the profession I chose to be in, which by the way is a profession I enjoy.
It isn't a question of psycho-emotional issues, the people who could have had sex with me have:
1. Not been ready themselves. 2. Been flirting more than I feel comfortable with. 3. Chosen to take on a different location that makes it too hard to develop a long term relationship with.
I wrongly assumed each of these people had an interest in developing a further relationship. I just am not a good reader of people. I'm a much better reader of maps. I'm improving now that I'm getting more and more interested in being one, but some people simply are just late bloomers. Accept them for who they are and why they chose to be so. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/28/2006 10:23:30 PM | | Chrysostom, you are being way too over analytical He simply asked a question is it a big deal? I've read some of your other posts and (specifically the one islandprincess wrote) I find it somewhat presumptious when you say that anyone who hasnt lost their virginity past a certain age has some sort of deep phychological fear and needs professional help. Having sex does not make you more normal or well adjusted. You shouldn't have to have sex in order to improve your self image. It could be possible that they are just shy or not agressive enough when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. or they just have low sex drives that could be a possibility to amoung many other reasons (religous/moral) but to go as far as saying they need professional help is something i disagree with. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 9/29/2006 8:43:23 AM | | I don't see anything wrong with wanting to remain a virgin...that's someones personal decision but I wouldn't get involved with one.I believe sex is a VERY important part of a serious relationship and I am to old to "train " someone. A virgin has never experienced the thrill of the new relationship when you have sex 4 times a day anywhere you can,you just can't get enough of the person. I don't plan on getting re-married until several years of dating and cohabitation and I am MOST DEFINITLY NOT going without for that long. I am not trying to disrespect anyones decisions but I personally won't deny myself one of lifes greatest pleasures. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 10/5/2006 10:51:09 AM | It's important to a degree yet it's not that important. Im at a point in my life where I ignored it for a long time. I work late, I have some conflicting emotions about how people perceive me. I don't trust a lot of men and women because of how I was treated in Highschool. So I never really adapted well into the social part of being an adult. I adjusted well in work, and family but I never have been good at meeting females and getting to know them.
Anyways I don't think sex is the most important thing. Were intelligent enough to create a purpose beyond our biological instincts. Though at the same time I think that our biological needs can't be completly ignored.
I found ignoring my sexual needs for so long has caused a rift inside of me. On one hand I would rather just focus on my art, work, and my personal hobbies. Yet another part of me wants to date a bit. Meet a few women have some fun maybe finally have sex with someone after dating for an appropiate amount of time.
I do have some self image issues. I went through a big nightmare in school and it's made it harder. I think part of why it matters to me is stupid nonsensical reasons. I never really made a big deal of sex like most other guys did but I was always given a hard time for it and part of me, maybe a more pathological part of my brain thinks that I need to enjoy myself in that area before I get too old.
Part of it is that dating is a long and arduos process in itself. I want to marry and have a family someday. I don't plan on that happening now but I would have to meet women in the first place. I would have to date and even get dumped a few times first and when not even that happens I feel theres cause to worry.
Im frightened because on my moms side of the family many of the cousins and aunts I have are all in their fortys and fiftys. Their almost all not dating, unmarried, or they married too late to have children. Either that or in one case one of them has never been in a relationship.
I don't want to get tied down with marriage just yet but I don't want the family curse either so to speak and that and how I was made fun of in school make me feel nervous in not being able to live out this aspect of my life.
I just feel like if your not able to relate to another human being. If you can't hold relationships with them, then theres something integral about life thats missing. I feel a person has to be with several people in order to gain maturity and perspective in this area as well. How can I be a good man to a future wife if I don't learn how to relate with women before that? How do I learn the rights and wrongs of the whole game if I don't develop some experience.
Part of me sees it all as a needless biological process that I would be happier if I didn't have to be distracted by it. Another part of me though feels that it's an important part of life. Maybe thats why it bothers me a bit to not have the skills to see through with it.
I feel trapped by my negative emotions towards people, my distrust, and the fact that I feel wrong in going up to women I don't know in public situations. I feel like im doing something I shouldn't if I do.
I think I would benefit more from meeting women in social gatherings where theres an ample chance to meet and get to know them. I find it easy to talk to women I just have this inability to approach them. I tend to think they don't like me and that they might perceive me in a certain way if I go up to them and it hinders my chances.
I tried this place because at least I know the women want to be written too. I just don't feel right going up to strangers on the street asking them for dates. It just seems awkward to me. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 10/5/2006 2:13:51 PM | BIGSLIM: You know being a virgin is a good thing. I like the reasons you have for staying this way... you sound responsible, not like some guys who would just use a woman for sex, get her pregnant, give her an STD, and then on to his next victim! I say, as long as someone is not scared or paranoid about sex, and has a healthy outlook about it, you are on the right track. I am sure when you are ready to have sex, you will know, and you will do it with someone you really want. As for our society, yes, I won't sugar coat it, people will make fun out of you, especially the guys, if they find out you are a virgin. I am sure you already knew that! So, yes some people will make a big deal out of it. It reminds me of junior high and high school when a lot of kids were having sex just to do it, and then they would ask others if they were virgins or not, some would lie and say they were not virgins, because they felt they had to fit in. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 10/5/2006 2:55:44 PM | Oh, by the way, there is no such thing as a born again virgin. Some people say that jokingly when they have been celibate for a long time. Once you lose your virginity, you don't get it back. | |
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 10/5/2006 5:58:55 PM | "(a) 18-21 - Not really a factor. Can be for some, but most who are will lose it soon to a relationship or something. Actual respect there, as long as they aren't prudish and uptight about the concept of sex."
It's real easy to have sex when the guy sitting five seats behind you in class constantly said out loud what lotion do you use to masturbate. When women said they liked you while holding hands of their boyfreind. Or when women felt sorry for you for being made fun of but certainly didn't want to hang out with you. Also while they still held an air of superiority around you. When you couldn't walk in the hall way without being laughed at. When you had a guy tell you your not ugly and that you should have no problems getting girl freinds yet the same guy makes fun of you. Puts this is the only **** youll ever see into your year book. Is the one that out loud in front of the whole class says masturbation jokes about you. Makes fun of you, is not really your freind or offers for you to go out and have fun with them and their freinds. When your so afraid no one will touch you just because your 30 pounds overweight, your told your the ugliest kid in school, women call you a geek behind your back right in ear distance. Etc, etc, etc.
I certainly feel like going out with these wonderful people. Heck in fact I love them so much. Maybe we should have them be covered in feces and have chastity belts put on them. So that way they know how I felt for the past ten years.
"(b) 22-24 - A bit of a factor. Questions will arise about dating experience or longterm relationship experience. It will lead one to ask, "Did you even have a relationship while in college?" Can be a red flag to some, but not a big one. Depends on the people, but it's not a huge issue or anything, unless you're prudish."
Only did one year of college. Had lots of male freinds. Women treated me like I didn't exist. I was taking an art course so when other guys were out drinking on saturdays I was up until 3 in the morning doing homework. One guy had a girlfreind and all she did was insult me and put me down. Gee I really like the kind hearted goodness of womankind so much. Gee I really do.
Hung out with my cousin who had lots of freinds and everything. One of his female freinds libelled me behind his back right in my earshot calling me a geek for no reason I could comprehend. On top of that I went to a house party with him only to be compared by all his freinds to the guy they made fun of in highschool. Wheres the hatchet where you need it because god knows nowhere I went was I acceptable enough. Nowhere was I "GOOD" enough. Lord knows I have no reason to hate people. Lord knows. When people exactly the same like me got treated like humans and I got treated like human shit.
Then got stuck working at night at a job I hated because a lot of problems that werent all my fault made me fail my first year of college. I had issues with my body, I thought women didn't like me. I took part time art classes and it's not like the women there talked to me. They all acted like they didn't want to be approched and trust me I never saw so many shirts above the waist before.
I had rotating off days saturday off is a privilage I only get one month of the year. My fear that people will laugh at me and reject me when I go out didn't help.
I was stuck in a job I hated but I wanted to be an artist. I didn't want to mop floors and clean escalators while breathing steeldust from trains and asbestos. I wanted to be an illustrator for comics and several other things. So I would get four hours of sleep, work evenings at a job I hated and spend all my time that I was free practicing drawing so I could get the hell out of a job I didn't like but needed the money.
So what did I do? I ignored it completly focused on things that didn't cause me emotional pain or a fair amount of anger. Things that didn't make me feel like an inferior human being who wasn't good enough. Things that made me forget that I felt like I was less than a human being in the eyes of certain people.
Went to a animation school. Ended up finding it too hard to do with work in the way, worked afternoons, then spent time drawing. Made some male freinds. Two women that I wouldn't date but of course they had to be bitches. Constantly I had to be put down by them and have them talk behind my back out loud in class and in the class lounge. I felt like no one will ever stop hating me. I actually felt emotionally broken because I couldn't take it anymore. I was going nowhere with my art, I couldn't keep up with the work. I never get to meet any women that are kind or interested in knowing me. Im stuck in a job that im afraid might give me cancer someday. My mom was sick and there was a lot of arguing between her and my father. I felt squeezed in a vice. Squeezed to death. How can I not feel pained or bitter. I don't know. It's not easy to keep a stiff upper lip when nothing seems to change and it all stays the same.
Luckily I found out the problem wasn't with me and that all the men there hated those two girls and even other women didn't like them. Just that for a guy like me being used to being treated like crap for nothing I ever did against people. It's easy to perceive things wrong.
(c) 25-29 - A significant factor. You'd need a very good reason for most people to understand this. If you're an artist in the art of "hitting triples" and you've done that, but comfortably chose not to hit home plate -- and have lived a busy lifestyle or something, then it won't be an issue at all with some. Could generate some interest, actually, if your personality does not match the stereotype of one who is. They may think you're afraid of sex or something. Hence, show that you know what the bases are, and you're not a typical "virgin", and that it and sex is not an issue to you.
Gee because of the past then Im not good enough afterwards. Im sure im not good enough despite being in better shape then Ive ever been. Despite making a good wage at work, despite being a kind, fair, honest and intelligent person.
I went to work I didn't waste my time partying. When I went to school or did party. Most women were immature arrogant ****es that didn't have any respect for anybody or any sense of empathy or intelligence. A lot of them were control freaks and they libelled you if they could. Knowing full well you could bring them out for the bad people they were if everyone accepted you.
I mean maybe the problem is with society and not with the virgins. Im going to go up to a bitch that dosen't have respect for anybody. Sorry but no...
All Ive learned is that not many women have any respect for people. That people look at me like im some sort of loser and theres no reason to spend time with them. I don't know why I want to have anything to do with such evil people.
I work full time, I only get 5 to 7 hours of sleep at a job I hate because how else am I going to own my own house, my own car and have a stable debtless future. Im burnt out on school after trying for so many years. Putting my all into it for no reward at the end.
Of course being a virgin makes working and all that sacrifice and responsibility worthless in the eyes of women. I should castrate myself and have whatever part of the brain that desires sex removed. That way I can happily be an artist and never have to think of you sick people ever again.
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| virginity.....should it really be a big deal? Posted: 10/6/2006 10:18:28 PM | oh man i havent posted in a while.... so here we go........ FIRST OFF!
to Chrysostom -
#1
No. Logically, there is a rather serious psychoemotionally rooted cause for why it hasn't happened, because 27 years old is very unusual for a virgin unless you have religious or medical reasons for not having sex, reasons which so far you have not mentioned.
when i commented on your response i never had any negative intentions... but come on "psychoemotionally rooted cause"........riiiight. after viewing your profile and seeing your other posts in other forums, you have told a few members that they should seek help on a professional level, not only is that cruel but unnecessary. and reasons i havent mentioned? what more of a reason do you need than its my choice?
#2
Look, pal. You came on here posting about a very private matter in your life, something that most people would call "airing your dirty laundry," and now you're retracting with the "you don't know the whole story" defense. If there's more to it, say so, otherwise we can only respond on the facts you've given.
people still use pal in this day and age? anyways, there isnt much to the story... ive chosen to focus on myself rather than focus on another person, which i have mentioned since page 1. and if im not mistaken, i said " do not base judgement on a person that you know absolutely nothing about." PERSON NOT STORY you know the story, its been there the entire time.
which brings me to my next point, people place judgement on others because its human nature, there is no escaping that. for example, i made a judgement that you could be a very smug individual and for someone who presents them in an intelligent manner doesnt seem to be very smart. but because i dont know you as an indivdual (as in person) i cant even make speculation and wouldnt be fair if i did... which i have not actually but i am sorry for reacting the way i did just cause its who i thought you could be. i know the difference of being dishonest and not telling the whole truth, its not complicated, frankly i have no reason to hide anything, which i havent.... if i wanted to put useless info like high school was a poor atmousphere which i didnt want to associate with people because they treated me like a social outcast, or i focused on my studies in college rather than chasing women i would have, but i just thought of it as boring conversation.
there are no mental problems, there is no fear of anything, opportunity has not come my way because i choose for it not to, nothing more to the story, the last thing i want is conflict, pointless in my view cause it gets people no where....... that is why there is its the answer to all problems lol
to Frank3006 - thank you for gracing my forum with your perspective on the subject, its always great to have input like that kudos to you my friend sounds like you and i share very similar experiences back from high school, unfortunate for us i know...... but he who laughs last laughs best!!!
and of course to Huggablehottie - thank you very much for the kind words someone who can give me recognition on my choices is someone that i can respect.. id always hoped it was considered responsible thinking but then again i may not know much lol thank you for input on the topic as well | |
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