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| | Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?Page 2 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) |
as a threat to other's that we may be looking to steal someone's elses spouse.
I never did, but I've had more than one all but THROW himself at me
Cindy O | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:11:56 PM | I'm sad to notice that SwampAngel, the original poster, is gone. I hope some of these thoughtful posts helped her before she left.
I'll add, however, for any others who are going through this. When I came to this site, the first threads I read were about widows/widowers, and they helped me. I never did the grief counselling thing, and I guess this was my version of it. Sharing stories.
My biggest fear now is a lot different than my biggest fear four years ago.
Then, I was afraid to face that kind of pain again. It almost killed me (not intentionally - food was like ashes in my mouth for a year, and my family and friends actually had to do a bit of an "intervention" when it became clear I was practically starving myself to death). So that passed (obviously - ha! - I ain't skinny!)
Then, I faced those thoughts that another poster mentioned. Would kissing, being intimate with another man feel like cheating? I knew, of course, that it wasn't, but I was VERY worried about how horrible it might be for a guy if I reacted strangely. Broke into tears, or something. That, too, passed. Yay!
So here I am. Now the big fear is if I ever get really close to someone, will he actually get all that he deserves? I still feel, deep down, that a part of my heart and soul died that day. If I care for a man, doesn't he deserve someone who has all of their heart and soul to offer? That hasn't passed yet. Maybe it will. But I'm treading very carefully about relationships and sticking with casual dating for now.
I see such hope in the posts from people who have found love again. Good for you. Everyone uses that tired old cliche about how he/she would want you to be happy. But it's true. He would. It's just getting there that's tough. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 8:57:16 PM | You can only become obscure and lonely if you ALLOW that to happen!
I totally agree with you CindyO. I won't allow it to happen to me either....but I made the point that widows become obscure and lonely because I've seen it too many times. Women, who are newly widowed,dropped from other people's social calendars. I've personally experienced this and talked to other women who have experienced the same thing. As a result, I've had to invent a new social life.
Unfortunately,there are some women who don't or haven't been able to forge ahead and make new single friends.
I, too, have been hit on by married men. I've shared this before in other forums. They think that " widows need to be serviced!!!!!"
A fear I have is that I'll meet a shallow man who wants nothing except to take advantage of my good heart.
I hope the OP didn't fall into obscurity and loneliness.
Muskoka | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/13/2006 9:22:41 PM | I concur dawn 1114. I've been widowed for 2 years and have recently decided to come back to the world as myself. The sparkle is back in my eyes (for the most part anyway) and I decided to attempt this "dating" thing. I've had a few dates and so far just feel a bit uncomfortable because it's not something I expected to do at this stage of my life. So my biggest fear is if I find someone I would really like to develope a relationship with-will he be willing to accept me as I am? Will he be able to put a name to my late spouse and honor that relationship? If I see potential in someone who is either widowed or divorced I hope to be able to honor that time he had with his wife/ex-wife too.
Mukoska: after I was widowed I was asked out by friends again and again, not dropped from the social list. I think they did this because they saw me "circling the drain" into depression-and that not being my normal self-they tried to help prevent it. I really just wanted to be left alone-but now I'm wandering out into life and hoping for the best.
My heart goes to all of you who have suffered the losses I have read about on this thread. It is unfortunate and tragic, but for some unknown reason we go on and even prosper again.
lucidmoments
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/15/2006 10:18:26 AM |
I still feel, deep down, that a part of my heart and soul died that day.
Of course it did.
I admit that I didn't look at your profile to see your age...but generally speaking,we don't any of us get to any age over 30 without having some scars, missing parts, or a few mental or physical dents.
Someone who truly loves you will be glad to "make do" with the heart and soul you have left, I really believe that.
But again, we each grieve-and HEAL- on our own timeline, and in our own individual and unique way. There is no deadline you are required to meet...some of the most healthy relationships/beautiful weddings I've seen are with people well over 70!
Cindy O
PS I'm in no way suggesting that it will take that long, or that you should WAIT that long...just giving you something to think about. | |
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GUMMLE
| | Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 31 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2006 9:07:53 AM | Like Many...
My greatest fear was the possibility...
Of facing that kind of pain again...
By becoming the caregiver again...
Once past that...
Two years later...
My fear was opening up...
And becoming intimate...
Not certain I could share all I had to offer...
Now...
After having gotten into a relationship...
That failed due to her unresolved baggage...
I'm left feeling afraid of being used...
And am seriously considering giving up...
On ever finding that depth of love again...
And just settling for whatever I can get...
In order to avoid being hurt yet again...
Seems letting go doesn't get any easier with age... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2006 11:01:20 AM | Never having known the loss of a mate in the way those posting here have, I certainly can't comment on how life presents itself thereafter and won't begin to say that I can understand their pain or all the ramifications life after their loss encompasses. I hope I never know this type of pain in my own life and greatly respect the fact that people here are even willing to broach such a deep and life changing experience. I bow deeply to those here brave enough to reveal their thoughts on this delicate and difficult subject
What I'd like to address though is the comments several have related about why one might shy away from dating a widow/widower since this is an area I've experienced and have mixed thoughts on.
When 2 people share a life, kids, and a period of years together in a comfortable and loving manner it's a memory that is typically a pretty strong one, and can lead at times to the surviving spouses comparations of each partner they date afterwards to their now deceased mate. This in itself is understandable, normal and something most folks are prone to do whether their past partners are living or not.
The difference between surviving spouses and folks who've simply moved on to be with other partners in their lives for other reasons is that the new partner will always be measured against a standard that may live on in the survivors memory in a more "rosy" view than reality actually would have otherwise dictated were they still alive today and simply had moved on for other reasons. While none of us are perfect, oftentimes those who have passed away are held in higher regard than those of us still in the realm of the living, if only out of respect for the dead.
Also, with a surviving spouse, the topic of their own past, because of their loss, may become a very touchy subject for the new partner to address in trying to get to know them, since often times (and certainly understandably!) revisiting areas of their past life will be something hard for them to easily share. This of course complicates the already cumbersome phase of getting to know and relate to a new partner.
Please let me extend heartfelt condolensces to those here relating their losses and its aspects in their lives afterwards and please understand I'm not trying to guilt anyone here or point fingers, etc., I'm only trying to relate a view of the situation from the other side of the fence.
Kim | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/9/2006 8:17:31 PM | Wrenchspinner:
Thank you for your comments and thoughts. It is always refreshing to hear other viewpoints and makes for good debate. But I must let you know my personal feelings about this subject. I could not and hope that I never do compare a new relationship with a former one in such a way that the former were more "rosy". No matter how relationships end we learn from them. And in developing new ones (relationships) we may compare, but hopefully only compare situations and not people. This is where learning from past mistakes or successes come into play in our new roles. Our future is based on our history, no matter what type history it is. And with any insight and luck we grow and develope new ways of relating, growing and coping with one another in a healthy and loving way.
On the subject of broaching the past with a widow(er) I have found if my new acquaintances ask my about my late husband in a kind and gentle manner and call him by name as they do so makes me feel good. It acknowledges his existence, honors him and shows a sincere appreciation for my relationship with him. Plus, if I don't want to talk about something in particular I say "I can't talk about that right now". But, if and when I'm in a relationship and my new mate wants to know something and I respond with "I can't talk....", I will know in time when I can address that issue with him. As long as my new mate shows respect for me, my children (grown adults now) and my former life as wife to someone else, I see no reason to be fearful of broaching the subject of the late spouse.
I know this was long and drawn out, but I hope you understand (all readers and posters) that you shouldn't shy away from someone because they have suffered the loss of their marriage due to death. We are still living, breathing, caring and feeling adults seeking new relationships and new lives that will blend with our old lives. JMO
Vicki
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/10/2006 9:07:48 AM | | Oh God......Angel.....you hit a chord with me that I don't easily share. Please allow me to compose myself..........Ok....(grabbed a disoronto) ....I got married in 1978 to a very wonderful woman. In 1982 we had our first child...a daughter....in 1984 my wife gave birth to twins (a total suprise to us) but we were ever so grateful. The twins were born Feb 16.......my wife passed away on April 6. I tried dating a couple of times but to be very honest....there are alot of f***** up women out there so I decided to stay single until my daughters were grown up and took on a life of there own. I spent my life raising my kids on my own and I enjoyed every friggin second of it. Sure I would have prefered to have Joyce with me so we could do it together....I think that would go unsaid...but very unfortunately...that wasn't to be. Do I worry about finding someone special only to have them pass away? You bet your ass it's on my mind! But I've also come to the realization that if I do find love...I'm going to make the most of it while I have it. Nobody holds the "future" card except for God. I'm not a very religious person but I do believe...and I also believe there is a reason for everything that happens in life......I can't wait to hear Gods explanation for what he did to me (and my 3 beautiful daughters)! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/11/2006 3:03:12 AM | Hi Everyone.
I also am a fairly recent widow. I just wanted to say that I am proud of all of you for being so supportive of each other. You have all made great points and been terrific.
I am out there trying to restart my life and I would like nothing more then to have a man in my life. I have very few fears about it but I find that men do. Sure I get nervous at the frist meeting and kinda know if it is going anywhere but I find that so many men are afraid of it.
According to statistics we are the odd guys out there. More single are divorced so maybe they feel less worthwhile.
I believe it is a cultural issue. Our culture hides death. We don't deal with it in our everyday lives like alot of other cultures do.. We celebrated DAns passage. So many people think we are frail and incomplete and full of excess baggage. Well we are and it usually is good. No one will compete for my affection Dan is gone and I am a healthy grown women. He will be in my life no different then the X. In fact he will has less of an impact i would think.
I am hopeful. I will keep going forward.
Thank You Sincerely, Blu.   | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/17/2007 3:02:45 PM | I have been a widow for 4 yrs. now and i feel the very same way as you do about it!
I dont think that i have it in me to do the caretaking thing again ! But we're all going to get older and have something go wrong with our health ,,,But I have a problem with having met a man that is a carbon copy of my husband that died!!!!! Now he's a very nice guy but iam so scared that i cant even put it into words...I dont want to hurt him but i cant go through that again ! Can someone give me some advice on this one !
Thanks in advance....Tulip112577 | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/19/2007 10:58:11 AM | Swamp Angel....I can understand the feeling very well. When you have gone through it for so long sometimes to the point of exhaustion.......you cant think about facing it again. I would feel the same way as you........but *it is*......LOVE....that makes all the difference. I know many people who have been ill.......and their spouses have married them despite that......and have had many years of love and happiness. None of us can predict the time we leave this earth.......or the times we become ill. But I believe that if you love someone whether they are sick or healthy.......you love them anyway for the people they are. How can you pick and choose who you are going to love. I believe if you love someone you are there for them forever.........whether it be just friendship or partnership or marriage. Its all the in the loving someone. I would rather spend 6 mths of happiness with someone.....where the love grows from day to day despite everything....... that would last a lifetime than a lifetime with someone where the love was just hanging in there and wishy washy.....and not be happy. I think its all in the loving. That is my belief!
Its ok to have those fears.........but when REAL LOVE COMES ALONG.......WILD HORSES CANT STOP IT......AND EVERYTHING ELSE GOES OUT THE DOOR...LOL. If that doesnt happen then i believe that its not real. They are my feelings. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2007 4:34:53 AM | I totally agree MaryLou...if I find love again wild horses won't stop me! And fear of becoming a "caretaker" (again for some) is NOT in my vocabulary. I would rather spend time even if a shorter time than I want with someone I love and who loves me back than not. Even if that includes becoming a caretaker....besides, what if I became ill/debilitated? Would he leave because of fear of having to take care of me? If so, then that's NOT true love. True love means standing, sitting or laying beside that one person no matter the circumstance.
"No fear" is definitely in my vocabulary in more than one sense. If we don't go for it how will we ever find it (for the first time or) again? The search is interesting, but not causing fear. Some hesitation at times, but not fear.
lucidmoments | |
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loie
| | Joined: 3/26/2006
Msg: 39 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2007 6:04:13 AM | Thats exactly how I feel!!!! I have been widowed for 3 years, and still feel that way.
Yes I have had several dates, but I to, fear the thought of caring, and falling in love again, only for them to get sick. I was very much in love with my husband, and his death was very sudden. So to go through all that crying, and greiving, I don't know if I could do it again right now.
Just my feelings, good luck to you all out there!!!
Loie | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2007 3:25:55 PM | | I cared for my wife of 9 years,through 2 months of absolute ##ll Giveing her moriphene,and trying to make her comfortable.The loss was very hard,but the lack of a friend to talk to is terrible as well.Make no mistake I was very happily married,never cheated,and I tried to always treat her like my angle.I did go on a lunch date this last weekend,with a lady I meet on another dating site.It was the first date for me,and I have to admit it was a VERY strange situation for me.I pulled all my profiles off for a few days while I thought about it,and decided I have to go on with my life.I think if we dont,were as good as dead also.This is just my thought.. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/24/2007 11:59:01 PM | | IT HAS BEEN JUST OVER THREE YEARS FOR ME. I STILL DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GO OUT. I JUST WORK AND TAKE CARE OF MY GRANDCHILDREN. IT IS VERY LONELY. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. SO I STARTED SEEKING SOME HELP. I HOPE IT WORKS. ANY HELP OUT THERE WOULD BE NICE. DEBBIE | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/25/2007 6:06:12 AM | I've posted on this thread a few times, and basically I haven't changed much. But, in "the dance" of a potential relationship I am currently involved in I find the day to day challenge of "confusion" toward and from my "intended" the hardest thing. One minute all seems okay, the next I seem to be "pushy", though not intentionally, the next he's "confused" about what he wants...or doesn't. AAAGGGHH! But it IS the dance, and if we don't dance we will never know how or where that dance will end. So for now, I'm still dancing!
lucidmoments | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/25/2007 7:11:28 PM | I've read some of the posts. I hope I'm not being redundant here.
Swamp*Angel, the reverse of your fear of a new relationship or commitment are the ones who lost their mates in a second. It has been 6 yrs now for me and to tell you the truth it can STILL feel like it happened last week sometimes.
Sue blew a cerebral aneurysm. One second we were having a blast at this Christmas Eve party and the next second ... I was doing CPR on her and can feel her dying under me. Like anybody reliving the months or years of being with a terminally sick mate, I've relived those moments a thousand times and it NEVER gets any better.
Point is whether it is a loved one or YOURSELF - you just never know, do you? I have right on my profile a preference for women who are NOT smokers or heavily overweight. That is all I can do to try and find a woman who is healthy but my wife was "healthy." Healthy right up to the second she got dead.
Our lives are full of ups and downs. Some of us get kicked a bit harder than others. It doesn't mean you're supposed to give up though. When most of your mutual friends stop calling which always happens - find new friends. You miss the friendship, the holding hands walking, the relaxing in a hot bath together, drives in the country and yes, even the intimacy immediately (or in the case of a very sick spouse even before death as you pointed out) and it lasts for months - years. You NEVER fully "get over it"- never. Don't expect to BUT don't give up and don't hide from the possibility of the pain happening again. It may. It probably won't. If you're in a car accident do you give up driving because it MIGHT happen again?
When it is time to move on your soul will let you know. Even that can be painful, slow and often embarrassing. If you've only been to bed with one person in over two decades the first time with somebody else is ... well it's WEIRD. Hopefully you'll (we'll) find a caring, loving partner who can help us over that awkwardness and can understand that your mind and body are not completely in the here and now and will give you time to adjust.
It takes time. Know that and don't rush but DON'T give up either. You KNOW your dear departed wants you to be happy here. Like the previous suggests ... take a deep breath and get back on that dance floor. Hopefully you can cut through the BS of dating, the lies and bitter stories of divorce which you can't relate to at all - and soon you WILL enjoy the dance again.
BestO'Luck | |
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Dit
| | Joined: 5/17/2005
Msg: 44 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/26/2007 7:39:13 PM | I been widowed for over 5 years now..
I think we change so much from losing and loving people that we become different people. And if we are different then the people we are attracted to will also be different in some ways. I also believe we are probably better at knowing what we can and can live with in a partner, so we may date less but we CHOOSE BETTER. Because we know how to be loyal loving mates and want the same back.
dit | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/26/2007 7:57:59 PM |
I think we change so much from losing and loving people that we become different people.
That's very true. I'm a different person in so many ways.
And if we are different then the people we are attracted to will also be different in some ways.
Yep. I didn't do it consciously, but it seems to be the case.
Lynn, that was very insightful. Thanks and best wishes. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/27/2007 2:50:42 AM | I belong to the Red Hat society & there are a few widows in the group. One has been widowed only a year & is under 50 (late 40's) Some of the other women, including the widows (been widowed a longer time) say snipey stuff about her. I told them what do you expect, it's only been a year. They say she complains too much. I didn't hear her complain, she just voiced her concerns about losing her medical insurance. Altho she isn't affluent, I think she may have a little more than one of them & the one is jealous.
I am NOT widowed, but this sniping among women who should be supportive of each other pisses me off BIG TIME.
Any advice? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/27/2007 3:49:51 AM | If indeed there is snippiness, make sure you don't become a part of it. Defend who and what you hear if you hear it in the way that it appears one is being "attcked", if that is your position. To sit and say nothing is often worse I believe. Sometimes *(us) widows become cliques unto ourselves. That's unfortunate, as we are no better than others and at times worse off emotionally, and often financially as we were prior to becoming widowed, just as others (e.g. divorcees, single Moms/Dads) than before the loss occurred.
If you have found a friend in this new member, stay her friend, but be true to yourself first and don't get caught in a "cat-scratch" party between any of the others. JMO, and hope it helps a little.
lucidmoments | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/27/2007 8:06:17 AM | Shortly after my late husband died, a long term friends husband was close to death. He had been very sick for years, and I was always there for her. This time I didn't have the strengh at that point to deal with an other dying person, so I couldn't go and comfort her. My fear was that I would loose it, and she didn't need to have to deal with my grief, along with everything else. She lived 4 doors away from me. After the funeral, everyone went back to her house. I walked up and down the sidewalk, unable to go in. A few weeks later, I visited and apoligized to her for my lack of support, which thank God, she understood. I was able to support her at the death of her mother a few years later.
I have been fortunate enough to become very close to several women who became widows after me. For years now we have supported each other. Most are now in another relationship. Each had much fear when they first became involved in a new relationship. However, they were able to overcome their fears with time. When they we moving into their first new relation, they very much needed to talk to each other about their fears. There were many coffee mets to vent on this subject. Each others support was what got us through this transition.
Giving yourselves time, especally in a new relationship is so important. We must be patient with ourselves, and find a patient partner. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/3/2007 9:56:37 PM | I lost my husband of 25 years when i was 41 i was a young bride and when he died i was lost but got right back up and started to live again then i got with a biker and lived with him for 8+ years and he had a major heart attack and passed away in our drive way..I have become stronger and feel like today is my memory and i am going to make it and tomorrow is my dream and i am going to live it..Life is not fair and one minute its heaven and the next it can be hell. I just refuse to lay down and stop living my life.. One can not change things that happens but can learn from them.. I know people have a way of judging others without walking in there shoes..And for me i had to jump up and live again so it was only a few months when i got with my late B/F and he was proud of me for wanting to go on and he knew my late husband was alway going to be apart of me..But by others i was put down for wanting to go on with my life...Life to me is to short to dwell over the past so live it while we can.. And i learnd that the hard way.. My late B/F's last words to me was I LOVE YOU Oh what great memorys i have and no one can take away... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:32:34 PM | Wow, good answers all! Yes, I have had the same thoughts about marrying again. Losing someone is always difficult--death or divorce--and I've had one of each. I tend to shy away from men much older than myself or men in very poor health, though even though my health is essentially GREAT, it isn't perfect either. My husband was 15 yrs older than me so I "figured" I'd most likely end up a widow rather than the other way round. He died suddenly in an accident, so I didn't have to nurse him, but did my dad for 18 months, and I am a retired registered nurse practitioner, so know what the care-giving role is and how fatiguing it can be.
Finding a GOOD man, not a perfect one, but a caring, sharing, good man would be worth all the "risk" of another loss--I had a good relationship with my late husband and I miss that. Not trying to "replace" him, but "New ball, new team, new game." | |
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