| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/3/2007 10:43:10 PM | | Wrenchspinner, Kim, first off let me compliment you on your very literate post. Secondly, let me say that your points are well taken. Like the next poster who answered you, though, at least I don't have any problem talking about my late husband. It doesn't cause me pain to speak about him. It doesn't cause me pain to speak about my late father, or my late grandfather. I have completed the "grief process" in a healthy manner and resolved my grief, come to acceptance of their loss. My memories--of both the good times and the bad times--with these people are not "painful" now. I can talk about them in an "emotionally neutral" way--the only way I can describe it is sort of like "telling you about a movie I saw" or telling you about a vacation I took several years ago. Pleasant, good memories, but nothing that makes me very sad or nostalgic. Just PEACE. Forgive my poor description, it is just that it is like trying to describe "the color blue." You recognize it when you see it, but you have difficulty describing it in words. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/23/2007 7:27:19 PM | everybody has their own issues and their own timeline needed to deal with those issues.
One man that I dated felt so lonely after his wife died. He would contact women on dating sites but couldn't get to asking them for a coffee. After about a year, he finally started coffee dates but wasn't yet comfortable asking them on a real date. He dated only women who were over 10 years younger in hopes that he would be the one to die first.
Eventually, he met a woman who managed to get him excited about a relationship again. He was so thrilled to be connected with someone again that he let her move in. When she started pushing for marriage, he just couldn't do it. A year later, he did the same thing with another woman. It's now been 8 years since his wife died....and he found the love of his life #2 and they are planning the wedding for this summer.
My parents were inseparable, very much in love and truly devoted to each other. When Mom died at 67, Dad felt so lost. But...fate stepped in. A woman that Dad was engaged to (as teenagers) before he met Mom, noticed the obituary in the paper and called my Dad to offer her condolences. They started dating a few weeks after the funeral and began living together within a year....they've now been together for 19 joyous years.
Everyone is different. You have to be true to yourself and not let fear control your actions and feelings. Live life to it's fullest and be happy in that life...whether you find someone special again or live alone...by choice or by fate. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/23/2007 8:44:23 PM | | I am glad that I am in a place where I now haven't had any fears about a new relationship in years. It takes time, and some times more than one new relationship to get to that place, but it can and will happen. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/24/2007 2:08:41 PM | hi all - interesting topic - i lost my wife last year to cancer - and can sympathise with many of the points made here - i have been criticised for even looking at dating yet - but i know that she would not want me to be alone totally for the rest of my life - and at 50 time is something not on my side .lol
my greatest fear would be probably be , being ABLE to love someone as i loved her ever again - i think it must be very difficult to fall in love with someone else after loosing the one love of your life ( so far ) - guess if i am lucky i may find out - if not i guess she will remain just that
one thing is for sure - loosing someone you love is THE worst thing that can happen to any one - it has knocked the stuffing out of me - confidence and a lot else gone - it is going to be a VERY special person that i get involved with next - they will need the Patience of a saint - probably best if they are widowed too - as i don't think that someone who has not gone trough the pain can ever understand .
regards and respect to all
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/24/2007 2:25:16 PM | I have no fears about a committed relationship. I have discovered I have a reluctance. I've learned to be selfish. I can eat what I want, when I want. I can sleep whenever I am sleepy. I don't have to clean house or wash clothes if I don't want to. I do not have to consider the wants or needs of anyone else.
When I was married, I couldn't even imagine being without him. Now, I can't imagine giving that much of myself to anyone else. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/24/2007 2:37:58 PM | Msg. 56 I think that we all get to take point. It is good that we realize that it will take a very special relationship partner to make us want to get married again. Thank God, the day of being in a rush to get into another relationship at behind us. We are comfortable with our selves and our lives. Doubt we will make error in our choice next mate.
We have experienced a good married, nutured that marriage till death did us part. We have healed from that, and moved on to realize that we are worthy of our happiness as a single person.
Life is now good. Not better than before we were widowed. Just good in a very different way. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/24/2007 2:43:32 PM | Pazoozoo, et al,
just as you said...things change and we react accordingly. We bend our feelings and attitudes to fit the deal we've been given. That's survivor (-ing) instinct; being the one left behind. Without that adaptability we would succum to our feelings, crawl in a hole somewhere or a bottle...
I've been on both sides of this issue. Being fulfilled by the relationship; enjoying the solitude. They both have their qualities.
I've found a good compromise with my current love interest. Seperate, yet sooo well attached when we want to be. I love missing him.
It's the best relationship right now, and tomorrow.... I think I'll move in on him.
ooooooh that will shock him. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/24/2007 4:42:35 PM | Ghosthunter....don't worry about what others think of you....if YOU are ready to date, then date. If you are ready to commit to a new relationship, then commit. Your friends and relatives are not you and should not be living your life for you. They may have concerns that you are jumping in too quickly and may get hurt or end up hurting the other person because you aren't quite as ready as you thought.
As mentioned in a previous post, my father started dating a woman shortly after my mother's funeral. A few months later, he came to me and asked how I felt about him having another woman in his life. I told him I was thrilled that he had someone to share his life with and that I was behind this union 100%. He said, "Good...because I was going to do it anyway!...I'm just glad you're ok with it."
And again, as mentioned earlier, a friend of mine had great fears of being able to love again, of wanting to love again. After a few false starts, he found love of his life #2.
Just relax and enjoy whatever life brings you. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 3:15:43 PM | | You really hit the nail on the head. I have the same fear. My wife passed away in 2002 after about 6 years of failing health. I loved her with all my heart but there was times that I almost resented her for her illness. I still carry around guilty feelings about that from time to time. My son and I have talked about this a couple of times and he shares some of the same feelings. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:06:42 PM | Teddy....the fact that you carry those guilty feelings is because you loved her deeply.
It was hard to deal with watching someone you love die, to care for them, to be strong for them all the while fearing how you will deal with them being gone. With that kind of pressure, of course you will have moments of resentment...sometimes directed at her neediness, sometimes directed at God, and sometimes even directed at her.
But, you stuck by her, you took care of her and you loved her....and I'm sure that she appreciated all of that more than you could know....and I'm sure she forgave you for your few momentary resentments.
Now it's time for you...and your son....to forgive yourselves. You did a great job! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:22:27 PM | Teddybear, your "resentment" is a NORMAL part of the grieving process--even anger at the departed for dying is another very normal feeling--"How could you die and go off and leave me with this ....to cope with?"
The resentment for you having to care for her/watch her die is also very very VERY normal and believe it or not, healthy...so accept it as part of a healthy grieving process and FORGIVE YOURSELF and go o n with your life--she would have wanted you to.
My husband died suddenly, so I didn't have "pre-death grieving time" like my mom did because we knew for 14 months that my dad was terminal so all of us had "pre-death" time to come to grips with it--in lots of ways it was easier to grieve WITH the "soon to be departed" rather than the shock of a sudden death...it is all bad and painful, but we go on the best we can. I have learned to take more time for myself and spend less time on other's needs, to say "No, I can't do that today for you, I have other plans."
My mother wanted me to sit with her and be two little old "widow ladies" sitting rocking together and I have no intention of doing that. Since I had been married twice she thought I had "been married enough" and therefore shouldn't seek to be married again or have a relationship--it was, in her opinion "unseemly" for a woman of my age to be dating. She finally got over that when I told her that if "they hadn't kept leaving me or dying" that might be true but that I was NO LONGER MARRIED so it was okay to date. I wasn't "cheating" on my late husband. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 4:54:04 PM |
My mother wanted me to sit with her and be two little old "widow ladies" sitting and rocking together and I have no intention of doing that. Since I had been married twice she thought I had " been married enough" and therefore shouldn't seek to be married again or have a relationship
My Mother was of the same opinion with me. On top of that, my late husband died suddenly 6 yrs. ago.There was a lot of media attention. I had people in my small community that expected me to continue to be "the widow" forever, watched my every move and expected me to participate in many formal ceremonies.
After four years, I knew I had to move from that community and our home, in order to have a fresh start, for myself.
Widows/widowers who are still living in the matrimonial home alone sometimes have a difficult time moving forward because of the attachment to things that belonged to both of them and their memories. Sometimes new dating interests also have a hard time being in the home.
So, I've moved to a different community, house and furnishings two years ago. Fresh start.....equals.......new life for me.And, I wouldn't hesitate to do it again. Now, I'll go anywhere with the right man!
Muskoka
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 6:46:55 PM | Musoka, well, for me, moving isn't an option. I live in the "family compound" farm on family land with my mom and 1 married son living here on the other side of the farm with his family, and one other son here too...I really don't want to leave as this is and has been since I was a kid, my "home on earth"--but the memories of living here the last 12 years of my marriage with my husband isn't a problem for me. I have my little airport here to fly off of if I want to, my few pet cows, my horse, etc. and can't sell my interest even if I wanted to, which I don't. I can see your point though in moving...and for you that was probably the wise thing.
The community has been very accepting of my dating and actually most folks are very pro "get out and enjoy life"--it was only my mother who had a problem with it, and I'm not going to let her opinion (even if she still held it, which she doesn't) run my life.
I am sort of a package deal--farm and family--but at the same time, I am very independent as well and my family and I don't try to run each other's lives... I also love the community where I grew up and know everyone and am kin to almost half the county--so I have lots of support and a great place to live. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/25/2007 11:13:37 PM | My wife passed away last year. I have several concerns with dating right now. First is my daughter. She is 11 years old and not ready to accept me dating yet. Second is my mother in law. I think she will have a problem accepting my dating for a while. On several occasions she has said "Don't forget (my late wife)" or "I still want to be a part of (my daughter)'s life"
How can she think that just because her daughter (and my wife) has passed away that I would want to "break" from her family? She knows I have gone out on dates, but we have not discussed it. I think she thinks I must not have loved her daughter (enough) since I am already going out on dates. I don't see how the two are related. The fact that I am dating does not diminish the love that I have for my late wife. If/when I fall in love again will not mean I no longer love my late wife or her memory.
How have others dealt with these issues? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 4:28:21 AM |
How can she think that just because her daughter (and my wife) has passed away that I would want to "break from her family?
I have also experienced the same thing. My mother-in-law makes the statement. "Once a
( insert my last name here) always a ( insert my last name here)". I think she says this because she wants me to know I'm still part of the family. On the other hand, she doesn't want to lose the connection to her memories of her son and I am that connection.
My late husband and I had no children together....so, for me it's because my mother-in-law and I have a good relationship and she perceives that if I move on, she will lose me too.
In your case, she is probably afraid she will lose touch, not only with you but with your daughter, her grandchild, as well.
So, she is grieving the loss of her daughter, as my mother-n-law is grieving the loss of her son. I can't even imagine the grief, a mother endures when she buries her child.
I have dealt with this by reassuring her....that no matter what happens in my life, whether I meet someone to have a relationship with or not, she will always be a part of my life.
Another fear that your mother-in-law may have is, that a new woman who enters your life may not be accepting of your late wife's parents being a part of your life and the life of your child.
Again, assure your mother-in-law that you wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who couldn't accept your daughter and her grandparents in your life.
I think she knows you loved her daughter, your wife....she's just afraid of losing her connection.
Muskoka | |
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Anneli
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Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 67 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 12:47:21 PM | Interesting, insightful discussion on this thread. For the widows/widowers here, there's a great board at Widow Net for help/support in just about every way you need it.
Here's the URL:
http://www.widownet.org/wnbb2/ | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 6:00:07 PM | I was widowed back in 2005. Lost my wife of over 25 years to ovarian cancer. I started dating again last year, and it has been an interesting experience, to say the least. Frankly, I've been so frustrated that I've written a book about it! The goal of the book is to help divorced and single people to better understand widows and widowers, so that they can avoid the aggravating assumptions, missteps and stereotypes that very often occur.
The title of the book is "The Same ... but Different" -- How to Quickly Click with Widows or Widowers to Build the Next Best Relationship of Your Life!
I'm interested in your opinion of the content of the book. If you send me your email address, I'll email you back a free electronic sample version of it. No cost, no obligation, no strings, and I won't share or sell your email address whatsoever.
Just looking for feedback.
GolfGuy60010
PS: I reserve the right to discontinue this free offer at any time. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 8:15:19 PM | Hi
I would like to share this with you, you biggest fear is that you don't want to look after someone else look at it from different angle one day you might need someone to look after you too, My wife got sick when she was 26 and I looked after her for a year until she passed away she was my soul mate and we had 2 kids together I looked after them for another 18 years on my own , never been out of work working day and night but my life on hold for my family
Any way if you are a giving person when you stop giving you will get bore and feel something missing.
would like to take again | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 9:05:36 PM | Golfguy ....I can't email you either because of your mail restrictions.....I'm 56 so I'm over your age limit of 55....I'm also a smoker. People can't contact you, just to share, if you set these kind of restrictions on your mail settings.
Muskoka | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/26/2007 10:06:41 PM | Golfer, I think writing the book is a great idea--even if you never publish it, I can almost guarentee that it will do YOU as much good as anything you could do. It lets you get your thoughts out on paper, helps you go over it all in an orderly way. After my divorce I wrote a book--ended up tearing it up--not because it wasn't "good," but because after that, I no longer had a NEED to share those feelings. I have since published four other books on mostly history.
The first year after my husband died, I did a biography of him. He had an amazing career and was an unusual man and I did it for his kids mostly, not for publication, but it was also a way for me to let-go and to give his children something to hold on to. Also to process my own thoughts.
Grief can be, if we let it, a growth experience. It can also let us reach out to help others who are suffering. Those of us fortunate enough to have a good or excellent "support network" can empathize with those people who don't. Some experiences are common to all who grieve, and there are other things that are situational--dealing with making a living, helping to raise young children, etc. all the while grieving. I was fortunate that I realized I didn't have to work any more. I could retire and take care of myself FIRST. After a lifetime of professioal caretaking (in the medical field) and being "the strong" one in the family, I was finally at a place I could let others help me. I was at a place I could be th e "cared for" instead of the care giver---and I needed to be at that point.
I signed up for the widownet site, haven't gotten my confirmation yet but am interested in seeing what the site is like. I'll keep you posted. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/28/2007 1:34:02 AM | Hey GolfGuy,
I would like to read your book, but can't contact you since I live out of your 75 mile radius.
It will be 4 years this year for me. I have tried to date, but have come up on empty. I don't know what I can do to improve my chances. I know one drawback is my son. He is my miracle baby and I know a lot of guys are not going to go after a 40 yr old with a 3 yr old son. Plus I'm super busy with work and school and most importantly, spending time with my little guy.
I will hang in there, it will happen when it will happen.
Great post! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:51:37 AM | I was able to get onto the Widownet .org/ wnbbe/ site today guys, it is pretty good. Took the human admin a couple of days to "approve me" and send me the e mail notifying me of that.
Lots of talk in the forums about grief, support for grieving folks, chat etc. haven't read all the threads but seems a pretty good site all told. Not a dating site by any means. Actually haven't seen a thread about dating or anything even remotely like moving on, but like I said, haven't seen very many yet. Also not a "huge" number of posters or viewers or even threads, but looks like it is growing and has quite a few members, just not "huge" like millions. You guys have fun this weekend, it is a beautiful spring day here and I am getting outside and take a walkk in the woods around my house. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 4/28/2007 11:07:59 PM | Hi Ox,
A site that I have been a member of is Young Widows/Widowers. It's www.ywbb.org
. We have a section called social situations and we cover dating on it.
Hope this helps everyone. | |
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