| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 5/6/2007 5:10:47 PM | I can totally relate to what you posted. The very same thing happened to me. People say they'll call you or you'll do this and that and go here and there but it doesn't happen. If you are invited somewhere you feel the disparaging looks from other women who are with their husbands. As if you've suddenly become a brazen hussey.
It just becomes easier to keep to yourself and do you own thing. It can be a sad sad world. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2007 9:45:14 AM | aggiebq86 this is for you..
It seems to be common for men to start dating within a year of their wives death. And a lot less common for women to do so. So she is not going to understand.
Men do not have as good as emotional support as women do. They get a lot more depressed and lonely because of it. Suicides are higher in men then women when a relationship ends because of it. Dating allows you some emotional support because I'm sure you get to talk about your life and what you are going through. Men have a tendency of dating long before they have healed from their loss because of severe loneliness and no support.
This is what i have learned from the widowers i have talked to. They also said they made very bad choices during that time in their lives ....so be careful.
Dit | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2007 11:13:38 AM | I'm glad I read this whole thread. Lots of good information, and some things that I hadn't thot about at all. Bill and I were married for 28 years, in all that time it never occured to me to look at another guy, I was happy with the one I had. Bill died last year, suddenly. Now other people tell me I should have seen that his health was 'going down hill' but at the time I didn't. Maybe I didn't want to, who knows.
I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. And I never thot about comparing someone new (if I find one) to Bill. I guess my thots have tended more towards....can (and will) someone else except me the way he did. When I was in my 20's it never occured to me that I wouldn't find someone, of course I didn't think I had many flaws either  Now I KNOW I have flaws...and tend to wonder if I have too many?? I wonder if I should 'shape up', clean house (ugh), etc. Hence....
juswonderin | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 5/26/2007 12:30:13 PM | Juswonderin, I hear your pain, I am a widow as well...I am surprised at the lack of tact in some of your "friends" though in asking why you didn't "see it coming"--YUK! How tactless of them to say such a thing.
Having a man who fully accepts you as you are is a wonderful thing, and not everyone ever has that wonderful supportive relationship. Nothing on this earth is "forever" including those wonderful relationships. Unless you both die in some accident together most of the time one person is left behind when the other one goes. Statisticly it is usually the woman, too.
Grieving over this loss takes time, and reinventing ourselves, and working THROUGH the pain. You can't go around it, over it, or under it, you have to go THROUGH it.
This coming July I will have been by myself for 3 years. In some ways it seems forever and in other ways, only yesterday, but I have come to peace and acceptance.
If you haven't attended a grief support group, I highly recommend that you do so. It will help you to work through your pain, loneliness, etc. and also let you know that you are not alone in your grief. There are many others in the same boat.
I got into a "relationship" too early because I felt old, ugly, not desirable, lonely, etc etc. ad nauseum, and almost got danced down the garden path by a man who was looking for another VICTIM--fortunately I got out of that bear trap before it bit my leg off. That is one of the things that can happen when we have not completely gone through our grieving process to the point that we are fully "back to our selves."
I don't have any idea if I will ever have another wonderful relationship again, but I do know that I will never just accept ANYONE rather than not be "alone." I realize that being single may not be what I want, but it is much better to be happy single than miserable as half of a miserable dysfunctoinal "relationship" God bless | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:25:49 AM | Man, you hit it right on the head, JustWonderin' . Are we too flawed for someone other than our late spouses to accept us??? A recent experience makes me wonder.
I've been a widower for a year and a half. I started dating 6 months after she died which was way too soon, but fortunately I met a very understanding friend who helped me through the roughest period. I'm finding that although I do well meeting people thru email and even on the phone, my personal skills with women aren't up to par. I guess I got so used to adapting to my wife's ideosyncracies and the way she did things, that I'm automatically responding the same way with someone new. For example: last weekend I was at a lady's house. She's a very independent, self-reliant woman. She was making dinner for us. i asked if I could help and she said yes.
Well, I'm a former chef, so when I get into a kitchen I tend to take over. Needless to say, she was pretty upset. And the funny thing is that I didn't even realize I was doing it.
She saw it as a male dominant thing, like I wasn't respecting her ability. Of course, that wasn't it. It was completely an unconscious reaction, because for 18 months after my wife got breast cancer, I did all the cooking. In fact, I basically had to do everything because chemo left her dragged out and the neulasta shots she was taking left her in terrible pain.
And in the course of the weekend, I made some other apparently big mistakes. Even though we talked it out and I apologized and despite my behavior otherwise, which was as a complete gentleman, the weekend turned out to be a disaster, even though for a while it looked like we were really going somewhere. And I was really getting to like this woman and in time could have learned her way of doing things as I did when I met my late wife.
So, I guess my biggest fear now is that even though I might be able to meet women, I'm not sure I'll be able to live up to their expectations. I'm adaptable, but in any relationship, especially in the early stages, we're going to do or say things that might irritate a partner.
I really don't want to have to walk on eggshells when I meet someone, but it seems that so many women have this image in their head of who Mr. Right should be, that I' m not sure any of us can live up to it. I recently read a profile by a woman who's description of Mr. Right included a laundy list of virtues, characteristics and abilities that I think only Jesus Himself could fill. Aren't we allowed to be human and make mistakes as long as they are honest ones? I"m not talking about being abusive or cruel, just simple social mistakes based on not really knowing the other person very well? And especially if we're willing to admit to those mistakes? I'm not criticizing this woman, she's entitled to decide what she wants from a man, but I'm beginning to wonder if anyone will ever accept me the way my late wife did, warts and all. We used to joke that the reason we were together is that nobody else would have us. Maybe she was right.
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/28/2007 12:07:12 PM | "I'm beginning to wonder if anyone will ever accept me the way my late wife did, warts and all."
Please understand that I am trying to say this in a gentle way.
You were married for a long time. I am betting that over the years both of you naturally formed a way of doing things. I don't think that you are being fair to yourself or the women you are dating to expect all women to react how your wife did to you after being married to you for so long.
I am willing to bet that if you wife had become a widow, healed and started to date, she would do some things differently simply because she would realize (after making mistakes as we all do) that things are no longer done it the same way as when she was dating before her marriage.
Life would be much easier if everybody did things the same, but dating sure would be boring. I find it is best to assess what kind of person I am dating, and decided if I want continue to date them how I am going to work with them in being part of a couple. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/28/2007 7:26:01 PM | | I was married 32 years when God took my first husband. I had always thought I'd never marry again but I met and married #2 only to lose him 9 years later. Would I marry again? I'll never say never. We don't know what doors God will open down the road. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/28/2007 8:51:42 PM | I don't think that you are being fair to yourself or the women you are dating to expect all women to react how your wife did to you
I don't EXPECT anyone to react to me the way she did, I just wonder if anyone else CAN. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:14:52 PM |
I don't EXPECT anyone to react to me the way she did, I just wonder if anyone else CAN
No woman can be a clone of a deceased wife.. and is NOT or shouldn't be expected to be either............especially when a man is not OPEN to the "personality" of a new woman. Each person is an INDIVIDUAL in their own right......and it's extremely difficult to measure up when the other is still "set in his ways" about the relationship he is accustomed to. I truthfully think this is where people make their biggest mistakes. I am ME...not a deceased spouse or ex-partner. I do not want to be a "replacement".............. but viewed as a unique individual with my own feelings,views and ways of behaving. When we are widowed and are entering a new relationship....it's imperitive that we decide to start "fresh". If the other, is still STUCK in the past and hoping for his new relationship to be the same as with his/her late spouse.......the new relationship will be doomed to failure. ALL aspects of a new relationship certainly needs to be taken into consideration but if another feels at any time , that they are being compared...they will bolt. Another poster said it best. "He wanted to have a relationship with his deceased spouse and I wanted to have a relationship with him". We both lost.
If a man/woman is still focused on how they used to do things OR interact with their deceased spouse.........then a woman will sense this and back off.
Just my opinion for what it's worth.
Muskoka | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:24:39 PM | | Bill...your right, you can't take the place of their lost spouse. But it's amazing how big someone's heart is and there's room enough for another man just as remarkable in HIS own way that is special between the two of you. No one should ever try to replace someone who has passed, because no one can do that. And if anyone expects them to forget their lives they had with a former spouse..then that is totally wrong on their part as well. If you ever do fall in love with a widow..just be yourself, and don't worry about not adding up to what she had before...that was special between her and her late husband...You and her just need to make your own sheet of music to dance too... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/28/2007 10:41:22 PM | | I too am wondering if I will ever be desireable again. I lost my beloved husband Jim 4 yrs ago, after 24 yrs of marriage. In the past 4 yrs..I have stressed so much that I've lost my teeth, and that has caused me very low self esteem...my hair that used to be straight now has all this natural curl crap that I have trouble with. I bet I've aged 20 yrs the past 4 yrs.....anyway...needless to say, I'm kind of really down on myself, and my confidence that I once had has flown out that window.... My husband was taken from me in a horrible way, and I know the killer is still out there..so that causes the stress to be kind of elevated and on alert at all times. Yes....after loosing a spouse..it's hard to get going again..or even beginning to wonder if I should even bother to....My heart goes out to all the widows and widowers...and I hope you will be happy again soon.......Knightless | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/28/2007 11:39:08 PM | If a man/woman is still focused on how they used to do things OR interact with their deceased spouse
I wasn't saying I wanted someone to react to me the same way my late wife did, what I meant was with the same level of acceptance. No woman can ever be her, and I wouldn't want her to be. That era of my life is over. A new one begins with new hopes, new dreams, and old behavior patterns, but they can be changed. But as a few people here have said, things have changed in 9 years. I need to adapt to a new world.
I'm not focused on how I used to do things, it's all I know right now until I learn to adapt to another person, but that doesn't happen overnight and I'll probably make a few mistakes and offend the other person unintentionally. I would just hope the lady I meet is patient, wise and caring enough to see that I'm just groping my way through unfamiliar territory and help me through it. And it doesn't matter how long I've been widowed, a year, two, three. Learning to adapt to another person takes time and effort and the willingness to compromise. But that only happens if you believe that the relationship is worth putting in the effort. New relationships are like planting a garden. Seeds don't sprout overnight, they need to be fed, watered and nurtured, and sometimes a little rain will fall. But with care and patience those seeds can grow into huge plants.
I don't want a replacement. Nobody can ever replace another person. I want a best friend, companion and lover and somehow, despite obstacles, distance and responsibilities, together we'll find a new direction to travel. And as we learn each other and grow to love each other, we'll create something entirely new....us.
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 5:42:16 AM | "just hope the lady I meet is patient, wise and caring enough to see that I'm just groping my way through unfamiliar territory and help me through it. "
I am not picking on the above statement. I am just sharing what my experiences have been like.
To me the unfamiliar territory when I became widowed was who I was as a widowed/single person. I grew and changed a great deal. I grew to the point that my late husband wouldn't recognize the person that I became. There was nothing wrong with the person I was before I was widowed, but focus on myself was just very different.
I am a big believer than I had to be happy with my life before I tried to become part of a couple again. These changes just came naturally over time, and started as part of my coping with my spouses untimely death.
I had to throw off societies idea that I couldn't/shouldn't travel alone, go to wedding alone, eat in restaurants alone. I became comfortable with those types of things, which in turn made to comfortable with other people again.
I don't believe that people who have healed after their widowhood are anything like the person they were when they were married. Once this change has taken place, there is no more unfamiliar territory. When we meet someone new that we clip with, we aren't walking on egg shells because we are comfortable with ourselves and the other person.
If we need the other persons help to see us through becoming part of a couple with them, I think we still have unresolved issues.
Now I am assuming that we have learned to communicate our truthful feeling to the other person, and that they are comfortable with themselves and know their own feelings. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 8:01:04 AM | I know the feeling but life goes on such has it is very lonely and everything else that go with it But i am ready for that specal part of my life again never to old to be loved ,and a good hug lol........So everyone have a good weekend.........Evelyn | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:45:13 AM | | The unfamiliar territory I'm talking about is dealing with today's single middle aged woman, not me being single. It's dealing with her attitudes, feelings, ego, wants, needs, cares..those things. Each woman is different. What might not phase one woman, could make another fly off the handle and feel disrespected. That's the unfamiliar territory I'm talking about. And that's where patience IS needed and maybe even a little forgiveness on both sides. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:14:38 AM | I dunno if it is just my wacky way of thinking. But after losing a spouse, who are we really? Many ppl have said I have changed after my husband passed away. And yes, I have changed. How could I not change? I needed to be able to do more things alone, be able to repair what breaks, put things together that need put together. I needed to do everything that he would help me with, pretty much alone. So yes, I have changed...and I'm glad I have. Self confidence abounds when it comes to doing things. But self confidence also lacks when confronted with meeting a new man, or dating. Heck when you have not had a first date in over 35 years where the heck do you start? But, that will happen and likely very soon if my friend has anything to say about it. 
Am I looking for a clone of my husband? Absolutely not, and not because he was not a good man, but because there cannot ever be another one like him. So I take each day and go with it. I cannot will a relationship to happen, nor can any of us who have lost a spouse. It is all in the overall plan for our lives, and when it is meant to happen it will. But for now, I am enjoying my family, spoiling my grandkids, and meeting all kinds of wonderful new people. Life is as good or bad as we make it, and for this single momma, it is a good one..keep your spirits up friend... and you too will find someone to share your life with. hugz to all.... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 11:11:01 AM | You're the fortunate one. I'm in a new area, no friends, mother and father deceased, a brother in Alabama and no kids. Only my two standard poodles for company.
Not looking for sympathy, just explaining why the single life doesn't have much appeal to me right now. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2007 1:00:21 PM | I am also a widow. My husband passed away 4 years ago. I think for me it was the fear of being alone rather than worrying if they would get sick or not. I am dating and enjoying it alot. You will never forget your spouse but life has to go on. You may or may not find someone to spend the rest of your life with, i don't know if i will either....enjoy being single for awhile, it does have it's advantages.
I would definitely do it again if the person i was with and loved, became sick. I would love him unconditionally. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 6/29/2007 4:50:32 PM | | Knightless, I just did. I moved to the Orlando, Fl area from Chicago two months ago. That's why I don't have any social life yet. Trying to meet friends here but it's hard to do. And I'm not a barfly. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/2/2007 6:35:14 AM | More than once now, I have met a man of Catholic faith and one Church of Christ. All ended our relationship because I have living ex-husbands. I have now listed my profile as divorced instead of widowed. One and a half years of being a widow of a 13 year marriage - and one of those years watching my husband die - is enough to make me wonder why try. More single friends than me have noticed a disproportionate number of Catholic men online. My greatest fears about new relationships is going through the song and dance of what religion means to each of us before we even get to the chemistry, friendship, and the chance to find our special love. I just wish there was a way to sort contacts to eliminate this problem
The second fear is the health issues such as STDs and Agent Orange. I have ran across this problem as well. Almost 90% of the men are honest about health issues resulting from Agent Orange. They are a wide range of problems, all not good. However, not one person is upfront about Herpes I or Herpes II. Many times in both STD and Agent Orange cases, the first date is over, chemistry has been well established, dreaming that this might be the one, and then the truth comes out. He can't preform as a total sexual human due to the Agent Orange or they have Herpes II - either case you better be an oral sex consentual adult since both health issues florish with this component. I am weary, and less hopeful...but I keep trying. Jane | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 7/2/2007 2:29:23 PM | | " Life is as good or bad as we make it" pretty much says it all. My beloved husband (we were together 20 years) went out on the screen porch , sat down for a snooze and died...totally unexpectedly at age 58. I was older than he. For 2 years I came home after work, sat in my living room and cried. This year I joined the site...full of trepidation. After all I am a widow in my 60's, hardley in the bloom of youth and I have some mobility issues. To my utter amazement I met a wonderful man on this site. We have e-mailed, talked at length on the phone and have been on several dates. I don't know how far the relationship will go, or even if I will ever be able to welcome another man into the bed we so joyfully shared for those many years. I do know that the world is not going to come knocking at my door. If I am to have any chance of finding happiness again I have to actively seek it. If the situation had been reversed I would not have wanted my husband to sit at home forever. I WILL make my life good again. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 7/3/2007 8:52:09 AM | I think one of my worst fears is finances. Right now I get a social security benifit from my first and a VA benifit from my second. Should I remarry I'd lose that. | |
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