| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 7/3/2007 9:09:53 AM | | In Canada widowed people do not loose their husbands government pension benefits if they remarry. I don't know about forces benefits. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 7/3/2007 6:57:31 PM |
I'm kind of really down on myself, and my confidence that I once had has flown out that window
Knightless, Ive been widowed for 12 years and I can tell you, it takes both time AND work to move through the grief and stop stressing, but once you do start working on your grief, you will notice little things changing in you. I recommend joining a gym, if you have not already, to help relieve some of the stress and work on getting your body healthy again. Make sure you take your vitamins. Take a class of any sort to work on your mind and get reconnected with your spirituality.
Why am I widowed so long? After the first 18 months, I took my own advice above and that took about 6 months for me to start feeling "human" again. Then I took a new job that took me around the world several times. Finally, I settled back down in the US and in the last 2 years, I took my dream job, bought a townhouse and am now finally ready to start dating again. Hey, sometimes it takes some of us longer than others :)
Oh, and you may feel like you have aged but you have really only gotten wiser over the last 4 yrs :) I tell people now that I may have a lot of miles on me but theyre ALL highway :) (and some air!) | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2007 3:40:14 AM | I was widowed 2 years ago, after losing my husband to lung cancer. I am still affected by my grief and I miss him very much. I know that i can never feel that way again about anyone else. He was the only good thing that happened in my life and for some unknown reason, he had to suffer. Perhaps some people find it easier to move on with their lives? After 2 years I have started back at work and given up the vodka and anti depressants...at least it's a start. I am looking forward to making some good friends, which is something I never had since i lost my husband. 
Pat xx | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2007 4:12:30 AM | | topsy_uk, of course you will not love another man that way again, however, realize that you ARE capable of loving another in perhaps a richer, deeper way because of what you have experienced. I liken it to a parent of several children. No child is loved in exactly the same way but they are all loved in a unique way because of who each of them is. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/11/2007 7:39:09 PM | Hi
I have been a widow for 5 yrs now. My husband died quite suddenly, he had a heart attack, and was only 45. Anyway, you do heal and go on with life. You don't ever forget, and I believe you can love again and find someone that will love you. I remember my fear how could I grow with anyone, when we didn't have the same start (children, troubles, happy times, growing up together), but someone told me the person that settles down with you will take you through old age, and you will experience alot together. Then it made sense to me! It has been a difficult journey...
Phyllis | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/12/2007 5:20:58 AM | | I have been widowed for 14 years now. My husband died when I was 34 leaving me with a six month old child. It took me 13 years to even start thinking about dating. It has been very difficult to place my heart at risk again. My dating was a bit of a shock for my daughter, though she has grown to think quite highly of the new man in my life | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 8/30/2007 6:16:26 AM | I do not fear anything... at age 50! My heart is fully open for - LOVE - HOPE and FAITH!! MY husbands death--- has help me overcome fear in the process.
Death is such a private anguish. for the living .. I know your tears for I've cried them.....I have learned we each carry around a bit of sadness in us but its what you do with this that makes our life what it has become.......I always think better thoughts.........get grand results living one day at a time......fully --- in a (((thankful mode )). for --yesterdays gone folks ---as we have known .............can tomorrow be promised to any of us???............Thank God -WE- have today .....can do with it as We design......simply ----leave the rest for God to decide on ....our fate is in his hands
Death and recognizing the true extent of my loss leaves me ,,,FREE. Grief is a process---- we are all very different ...........they say it happens in stages. Healing occurs when the loss becomes integrated into the individual’s set of life experiences. Each person must - define one’s own healing process. Time allows us -all- an opportunity to resolve the range of feelings that surface. For me this gave total peace with myself. FEAR is caused by.....((not)))---Identifying any unfinished business nor trying to come to a resolution. MY acceptance of husbands death ,,,,,,,,,,,has opened up the rest of my life. HOW!! Its given me great courage to forge on ....I had a long term loving 30 year marriage ....we were-- close--open-- and frank... private he and I..with very few regrets...life was good and now alone am fine also. ----------- Its time spend----- having allowed myself too live--- my life as a single WOMAN--- Am waiting for a - special---relationship too happen - seeking LOVE WHOLE_HEARTED We will open a new chapter------------ create a best seller..........smiling...
Some one gave this to me --- I'd like to share it with you ... was in card I saved it
############################################################
almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”
############################################################ | |
|
markil
|
Joined: 8/24/2007
Msg: 108 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 8/30/2007 9:49:38 AM | I read this and I think you're not taking anything from a previous spouse.
I'm a recent widow that truly misses my late husband but that doesn't stop me from coming on these sites and try to find happiness with someone else. I know in my heart that's what he would have wanted me to do--live life to the fullest. When I meet new people or date it's completely different with each one and has nothing to do with my late husband. Sure I may talk about him especially since he was a great husband but I'm not comparing you to him. He was a chapter in my life and the things we did make me what I am just like the creepy first ex-husband has an impact on me.
My father married a woman soon after my Mother died and my sisters were so hurt they no longer speak to my Dad--why I don't understand!!! My mother was ill for a long time and my Dad hung in there and I feel he needed some laughter and happiness.
Besides with his new wife I don't worry about him as much.
Now since I'm older I don't feel the need to call her Mom-she's Dad's wife-I had a Mom but she gets my respect and I like her. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 8/30/2007 5:25:55 PM | | Justbill...I read your response and wanted to respond to you in e-mail, however I live too far away. But..you wouldn't be replacing anyone at all. We all have room in our hearts foras many loves that we meet. Just like you have room to love your Mom, Dad, spouse, children, pets...you have plenty of room..and there's always room for more. No one can replace what you lost, and I don't expect anyone to even try to..but, if I ever do meet anyone special again- that will be a new slate, new beginning, new life with my new other. You can't think of it as replacing the man she had. | |
|
| |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 8/30/2007 8:47:24 PM | | angelor; thanks for the advice. I wish it was as easy for me, but joining anything is really out because I do good making it now much less having any other expenses. I've had a pretty rough time of it..but..by gosh I'm still hanging in there fighting every step of the way.lol But in my situation- besides loosing my husband, I ended up having to file bankruptcy on the house because he refinanced it a few years prior to his death and when he did that there was no credit life on it anymore..so...I was in a pickle big time. I tried to sell it but the lake home wouldn't sell in time before I had to grasp the last straw and file. I had to sell alot of things because I had to downsize to get into the apartment. i got everything else taken care of..but that house kind of hurt me. So...will have awhile before I am able to get another place of my own. It kind of stinks, but I know it will help me grow in other ways. i just feel beaten sometimes...kind of hard to explain..but..I don't ever give up..:) | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 8/31/2007 9:04:36 AM | I am so sorry for your loss. The road we all take to Hell and back when we lose a spouse is not a kindly one, nor an easy one, but one we must take in order to go on with life.
My fear was to be compared to a late man's wife if I should date a man in that situation. Well, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who lost his wife, and this is a subject that we have discussed and come to a conclusion on. His fear was the same as mine. How would he match up to my late husband? No one can take the place of a deceased spouse, nor should they. Each person is different, and to accept them as themselves is the greatest thing you can do for both of you. Finding a second soulmate in life is possible, and believe me after what we have both been through, there is not a day that goes by that we do not treasure each other and what we have. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 8/31/2007 9:51:53 AM | i do not have many fears about moving forward cuz i am greatful for what i have learned...i choose to apply that to the next human who i connect with.
I have also learned to find forgiveness pretty fast instead of carrying resentments into tomorrow...
I have learned to accept another for who they are and celebrate that, not what they are...so i expect the next relationship to indeed have the power to reach deeper into all of those potholes in a relationship that held me back before... cuz i have learned to live in today and not borrow trouble from tomorrow....all that time was waisted before and now for me it is a non issue...
goodluck to others who are finding life is not worth harbouring resentment and is worth living deep and celebrating each day for what it offers rather then what i expect....i am greatful i discovered these things but it was not in a instant.
I do not count his death as my loss as a loss, i now count it as a gift from him to me to teach me lessons that no living human could.
Hugs my widowed fishy friends...it gets better when you pull the focus back to you and when you remember some folks never learn what forgiveness means and how
much impact that has on a relationship. me thinks we are lucky in a small way to have had that lesson and have an oppertunity to share those gifts with another...
one day at a time indeed...except now i like to wake up and i look forward to embrase the day....cuz i know i have passion for life cuz his death tought me to not waste each and every moment.
 ..............and when i laff i laff from the bottom of all that pain ...it gave me my depth of character perhaps.... | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/27/2007 10:22:42 PM | Sorry im not a widdower but...
Maby...you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and every one around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one one who is smiling and every one around you crying. Maby you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, those who have touched your life, those who can make you smile when you realy need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are realy down, and to all those whom you want to know that you you appreciate them and there freindship!!!
And if you dont, dont worry, nothing bad will happen to you. You will just miss out on the opertunity to brighten someones day..:) | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/28/2007 4:18:38 PM | OP, I'm also a widow. My husband died Mar. 1, 2005. I spent a year and a half in a fog and when I started to feel again my two adult children pushed me to start rebuilding my life. Widowhood, no matter how good or bad your marriage, requires redefining who you are in this new context.
I was lucky. My husband was 18 years older than I but we were perfect for each other. When anyone would say "He'll die before you" my response was that it could just as easily be me. We cared for each other and were the best of friends. It was hard to nurse him through those last couple of years but not because he was hard to care for. The easiest and most pleasant patient anyone could have. The medical community loved him. It was hard to watch him slipping away a bit at a time. We fought his cancer together. I went into denial and refused to face that he was dying after we got him into a drug trial. It left me numb when he passed away, shocked. I thought we'd beat it.
I'm out there now because of him. He left me with no guilt, gratitude that I got to have him in my life and be part of his, and the knowledge that he wanted me to continue my life and be the best me possible. I will always be grateful for that parting gift, no guilt and the knowledge that he loved me and knew I loved him.
Part of being my best self is sharing love with others, whether family, friends or students. It was a pretty fine marriage with a full complement of ups and downs, but we never fought with each other. We discussed, problem solved and came to agreements. I was happy. He was happy. I cannot imagine a life without someone to lavish love on or to be loved by. It's a dimension of existence that, once you've had it, you hope to find it again.
I find it ludicrous when someone I date feels threatened by the memory of my husband or that they could replace him. I haven't dated a lot, but one person felt they were competing with my husband's memory. That was their problem, competition is bred from insecurity and the need to prove something. Nobody will be the same person. Competition is pointless and a waste of time. I'm a different person now too. What is needed in life will appear and the needs change as life continues. You have to be open to recognize and embrace the changing needs.
Life is a puzzle and each person is a unique piece, with a special place of their own. If I find another love, great, but I will survive and love with or without a long term relationship. Each relationship adds dimension to our lives, whether it's parent, sibling, children, grandchildren, friends or a lover. My husband gave me faith in my own judgement, my ability to care deeply, my right to respect myself and so much more. I'm a better person through our relationship. Of course I'd like to have that again, more than I'd first realized. He did that for me through his faith in me, intellectual stimulation and ability to see beyond the immediate, as well as the love shared. If and when I find the right guy he'll benefit from the success of the first relationship.
Sorry, I think those that fear widows and widowers are cutting themselves short. Too bad for them. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/28/2007 4:46:50 PM | After so long I felt I was ready to move on, .................wrong..................add some more time.......try again..........still not ready ..............and on it goes.
I can't remember how many years it took for me to become whole again. Everyone is different anyway..................it will happen eventually..............have faith. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/1/2007 12:19:42 AM | . . . that they haven't fully - Let Go - of the past . . and continually use the
' Measuring Stick ' with their current lives . .
We can only be as good as we can be . . at this time in our lives . . and give the best effort possible . . to the one we care for . . N O W . . !! | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/1/2007 9:00:25 AM | To the point of the original post, I felt the same fear. My wife's illness and death only took 2 years but did so much damage to me, physically and emotionally, I feared getting really close to anyone because I didn't feel I could do it again.
After time, as many posters have said, I know I could do it again, for someone I loved and I would understand it better this time. Illness and death will hurt, but not,,shock and betray me like before. I've moved past that unconscious sense of immortality we all have, until we lose it. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/1/2007 7:38:58 PM | | I think what hit me so much with Wayne's illness and death was that it made me realize how quickly someone can get ill and be gone. It made me realize how important love and a relationship is......... | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:05:25 AM | | I just experienced my greatest fear,Ive been widowed about a year and a half,I met a lady who I truely cared a great deal about.I recently found out that almost all she told me were lies.Now im not so sure what Ill do next.I wont be seeing here,thats for sure. | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/2/2007 6:30:42 AM | I guess I don't understand why anyone would fear dating a widow or widower. I think it was scarier for me to start dating and realize that there were a lot of not so nice guys out there after being with a nice one and feeling safe and comfy with him......... I didn't come from the bitterness of a divorce so I kind of went out there dating with the idea that there were lots of nice guys out there and I just had to find the right one for me. Instead I found a lot of not so nice guys...........
But I always remember to stay open about it and remember that there are nice guys out there .......... I refuse to just label all men as one thing........or to let ten jerks keep me from meeting that one great guy I'm looking for! | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 1/12/2008 9:12:14 PM | | I sort of agree than disagree I am a widower I quess the word is and sort of found someone else sort of a rebound thing but she was a widow also, And her husband had been dead for 7 years, but I found she still carried to many memories of him and still couldnt let someone esle in completely and myself the same. it never worked out. anybody else have that problem | |
|
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/14/2008 6:28:23 AM | Well said knightless! I feel the same way, that we all have the capacity to love deeply, and differently, and already have with our children, parents, pets, siblings, friends, etc. I lost my husband to suicide just over a year ago. I loved him dearly, and I am so grateful to have had him in my life. I have many unanswered questions regarding his choice, but I have accepted he is now at peace, and in a better place.
I know that it is frightening to open yourself up to possibly being hurt, but in order to allow for the possibility of love, it is necessary. Life is more precious now, and nothing should ever be taken for granted. I also feel changed from the experience of loss and grieving, and more open to new experiences. While I may choose a man with some of the qualities I found in my husband, I also welcome new qualities, and I don't anticipate comparing. I look forward to a new beginning. God bless all of you for sharing such intimate stories and thoughts. | |
|
| |
| |
Home
login 
