| | Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?Page 6 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) |
of course you will not love another man that way again, however, realize that you ARE capable of loving another in perhaps a richer, deeper way because of what you have experienced. I liken it to a parent of several children. No child is loved in exactly the same way but they are all loved in a unique way because of who each of them is.
Perfectly said!! Kudos!
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/15/2008 6:18:41 PM | Don't fear the future as you cannot control it! I too have lost my wife of 10 years , 18 months ago, I too started to grief a few years before she died and was "ready" when the time had come...I wasn't, it was hard and group thready helped me to get thought the grief process .
It is normal at our advanced age to worry about the future of a prospective mates health. DONT!!! relish the time that you have to enjoy each other and let God have control of both of you and enjoy the finding each other and possibly starting a new life, after all isn't it what your late spouses would have wanted? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/15/2008 10:18:55 PM | | i too cared for a sick spouse, iloved that woman with all my being,she was my everything!!!!! but again if that right person crosses paths i would do it again in a heartbeat !!!!! would just like to know when? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:20:22 PM | My husband died 3 years ago--we were married 28 years. That's a long time.
My greatest fear is that I won't find a man that I'm crazy about again--some people even say that I should count my blessings to have had my soul mate for 28 years. That makes me sad because it's like my friends are saying, "You've had yours. Enough."
I want love in my life though--that's why I'm here. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/16/2008 8:41:41 PM | I have avoided this thread...but I guess I do have something to say.
I buried one husband and one boyfriend. There were many many years between the two deaths. I took me almost twenty years to allow myself to grieve for my husband. Then, within a year I met a wonderful man who died shortly after we got together.
When my boyfriend died over ten years ago I felt I was cursed. Cursed to live alone and never find what I had with him and cursed if I did ever find someone again.
Its taken me a long time to overcome the all to depressing feeling. His memory does enrich me. I would love to meet someone who can enrich my life again. Hopefully the experiences I have behind me will allow me to enrich someone back. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/16/2008 11:24:10 PM | Lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack June of 07 though we had only been married 5 1/2 years we had been together 20 and figured we be together another 15-20. My wife was an important part of my life but she was not my life. Some might say that I am cold or unfeeling but I was brought up that death is normal and inevitable and beyond our control. And that we should be thankful for the love and time we have and not regret what we cannot have. My life plan was altered but not ended it is my responsibility to write a new life plan.
I know I do better in a relationship but I'm not ready to settle for just a relationship, with the use of this and other dating sites I have met many nice women. Is this too soon to start dating? Not for me but perhaps for others. I do believe I may be more cautious than I was when younger but I think this is more a factor of age, self knowledge and life experience than any fear of loss or possible future loss as these are part of life and it could be me that takes an early exit from the next relationship.
I look forward to the feelings, the excitement, the mystery of a new love. Is that seeking a validation that I still live? Don't know, may be but it is better to make new memories than holding on to fading ones. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/18/2008 11:34:23 AM | DoUCanoe has it right on, although we have different circumstances at the end.
I lost my wife as well due to cancer and we had many months to say goodbye to each other. She wanted me to be happy and be with another woman again.
That's what I want also, making new memories! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 1/18/2008 12:02:23 PM | No you don't have to deal with an EX, but its hard to deal with someone they never would have left if they did not die. Its a no win situation.
Blue | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 1/18/2008 1:12:16 PM | @ Bob-O-LInk and DoUcanoe.......same here lost my wife over 3 yrs ago....very long illness....so most of my grieving was done with in my arms. You two are doing it right......I call starting a new "normal".
As for when you should start dating.....that really is up to you. I will say this though. On my first date.......after about 2 hrs into it.........it wasn't working.........I apologized, explained that I wasn't feeling right about it and took her home however, my second date went well......of course it was with a different lady. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 1/18/2008 3:16:21 PM | I remember when I first started dating after I lost my husband--it ALL felt too weird, awful. I hadn't convinced my heart that I could date yet. It's hard to explain but I felt like I was cheating although I knew I wasn't.
I guess feeling like that had a lot to do with being married such a long time--it's all I knew. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:21:18 PM | | Having dealt with my Husband's illness for a long time I needed to control everything around me to make me feel safe. But whenever he died I couldn't make a decision for the life of me without second guessing it. Today to make a deep heart felt commitment is very hard for me...I get fearful over thinking about it. So I went back to counseling and have learned to control my fears...well most of the time.....Great topic thanks. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:41:03 PM | | I don't have any "fears". The worst possible thing that could happen to me in a relationship has already happened when I lost my man - I lived through it - I can handle anything now. | |
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kaw88
| | Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 139 | |
| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:18:49 PM | | I have been a widow for 12 years now. I am 49 years old. I haven't dated for 4 years now. My greatest fear "Am I boring"? I do have many interest and I take care of myself. But my job is considered a mans job. Men look at me differently. I would take care of yourself first. And find a "new" you. We reinvent ourselves many times threw out our lives. I am better shape, looking, and look forward to the present and my future. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/16/2010 11:56:39 PM | I am not widowed, just divorced, but will never date a widower. This is just me.
I've dated a few widowers, and all of them talked about their late wives on the first date.
I on the other hand, wouldn't talk about my ex unless asked. And even then, I would try not to talk about him. I am starting a new page in my life. Why bring up the past?
All of them were widowed 2 yrs or less. I felt this was way too soon. Of course, I do understand that they need a companionship, etc., yet they haven't taken enough time to grieve. I felt that they jumped into the dating world after too short a time. JMO.
Now, let me make this disclosure. I am not telling you what to do, when to start dating, etc., etc. I am just expressing my feelings and my opinions about this subject. You want to know what the other side feels? Here goes. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/17/2010 4:16:20 PM | | well, Swamp*Angel, i do understand your fear about someone that you care about getting sick and having to do it all over again. my late wife who i cared for about a year before she passed away was a kidney transplant patient and also had other things wrong. she tried her best not to let me see the pain but it never worked. would i do that again? ABSOLUTELY! with no hesitation. when you commit to someone, a true commitment you don't just ride high when times are good. it's when times are dark is when you find out how much you love someone. if i wouldn't have cared and left i would never have been able to shave my face in the morning. you have to keep going and trying if you don't life isgoing to pass you by because your fear is keeping you from taking a chance. i survived a heart attack that kills 95% of the people that have it and i have no heart damage. lucky maybe. new look on life definitely! don't let your fear rule your life. good luck to you and i hoped this helped. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/22/2010 8:20:58 PM | As a divorced person who is open to dating a widower, I would hope that anyone who thinks they are ready to date again take it very slowly if they are not sure. If you cannot get your spouse's face out of your head, then honestly, it is not fair in any way to date someone else, IMO. Loneliness is a tough thing, everyone deserves to be happy, but not at anyone else's expense.
I dated a widower who could not seem to live in the present and it was a very hurtful situation for me. Our feelings matter equally in a relationship and it is huge that two people go into dating with their past in the past. We can never forget those we have loved and some of us who are divorced are not bitter and jaded people. We have lots of happy memories as well of our former mate. Dating someone because you are lonely if you honestly are not finished grieving is just not fair to the other person. Everyone has their own time line and some divorced people grieve as well. It doesn't matter how you became single when it comes to dating, you just have to be ready to move forward.
If you think that you have had the love of your life, then you have. If you think that you have already lived the best years of life, then you have. Is it fair to anyone to be second best? I do not think so and if the shoe were on the other foot, would you want to be second best? The best is yet to come for those who are open to it and that in no way diminishes any previous relationship or its importance in our lives. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/29/2010 5:57:14 PM | I am recently Widowed also...I feel exactly as you do...I am at that point of being very lonely...but do NOT want to be a caregiver again, does that sound terrible..Boy, I am happy to find you on here. We think alike. I was the sole caregiver also. I was strong though it all, but now find myself very lonely. Now I cry....
Thanks  | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2010 6:45:43 AM | "I dated a widower who could not seem to live in the present and it was a very hurtful situation for me."
Dating someone too early in their grieving will most often be frustrating to both parties. I think the blame is on both parties, maybe a little more on the non grieving partner. The grieving person is going through hell, and may just want to skip the grieving without realizing that grieving isn't a step they can bypass. The person dating them hopefully will learn that being friends during the grieving process maybe all the grieving person has to give.
Admittedly it has been years for me. I can see things far more clearly now. At the end of my day, if a loved one hasn't died, no matter how bad the day, it has been a good day. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/6/2010 8:31:53 PM | | my wife of 20 yrs passed after 7 yrs battling liver disease.i was by her side continiously.we had long talks and agreed the one left should go on w/ life/new family ...etc...2 yrs later i started dating ,only to have feelings i was running around on her or felt as she was watching my every move.i hurt several beautiful relationships by ":backing away" from getting serious w/ any one.3 yrs later i have found a haven in isolation(loneliness)because i just can not seem to find the right lady .sometimes i guess you really do loose your soul mate and possibility never have another....dealing w/ one day at a time.....Dennis in S.C. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/12/2010 4:46:49 PM | | It's been just over 5 years since I've been widowed. Dating was scarey at first but so was doing everything else on my own for the first time - buying a house, buying a car, taking a vacation, etc. One thing I did learn, dating got easier as time went on and I did learn that I can lust again and I can love again. I haven't found the perfect for me fellow as of yet but I've certainly met some wonderful men that taught me so many things along the way. Try and lose the guilt, you are not cheating on your spouse. Your deceased spouse would want you to have a happy life. Life is meant to be lived. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/14/2010 11:09:26 PM | i too, lost my husband 7 yers ago and we have three children. Our youngest was only 13 days old when he passed away.
Wow! who would ever thought after 18 years as a couple, family etc... that I would be single again.
In the past 7 years I have been out with another man and was serious for 5 years in a long distance relationship which ended not so long ago.
My biggest concerns were going back into another relationship, was he wouldnt acknowledge what we had been through. I didnt shove it down his throat, but he was strong, opinionated and lacked emotion. I needed that in someone at that time. Not to feel sorry for me, but just to understand. It wasnt that easy. He also had issues of his own and I was very {wouldnt say jealous} of the fact that his partner was still available to see their children and still be apart of their lives. I didnt have that with me and my girls and I feel that saddened me greatly.
It is possible to care for someone again, but dont make the same mistake and jump into something for the sake of having that "family"or filling that hole in your life. Long term, the pain never leaves us. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/19/2010 9:56:33 AM | I took care of my late husband too, and I grieved for him 4 years, I let go now and moved on. It is a new leaf and a new life on a green pastures to experience what is in there..
Op, let go of your past start a new life , history repeat itself only when we cling to our past. Vannili  | |
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urkmr
| | Joined: 2/27/2009
Msg: 150 | |
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