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| | Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating themPage 7 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) | I think one of the hardest things is dating in my "new skin". I have come to the realization that one never 'gets over' the death of the one they loved. They just begin to learn to live without them, learn to find happiness with the new parameters defined by their heart and soul that has been forever changed by the shock of unexpected death.
I keep running into wonderful men, whom the old me would have been ecstatic about, but the new me wants something more than the old me did. Because I am changed.
I am more reckless than I ever was, and more cautious at the same time.
I am confusing, even to myself. My happy-go-lucky self has been replaced with this new being inhabiting my body. I don't have any idea what she wants, but men seem to like her!
If I could just identify/discover what the 'new me' truly wants, all would be hunky dory! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/29/2010 1:47:05 PM | About 14 years ago, my husband died after being ill for 5 months, just long enough for Social Security to figure that he was eligible for disability. They called the Monday morning of his memorial service(he was cremated) and said,"He's eligible for disability." I replied, "Well, he died Friday." Anyhow, I prayed for strength to get through the next 2 years. I have survived, but barely. Without a second income, it's been very hard. I eat mostly soup or sometimes one of my managers at work will shape a pizza dough and tell me to make what I want.
I don't want to be left alone again. If I ever get to remarry, I want my husband to be healthy and to live at least another 25-30 years, as I'm 52 at this time, and I hardly ever get sick. That's not an unreasonable request, is it? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/29/2010 3:10:07 PM | Now this thread comes up!!! I became a widow in 2005, had to bear up under a blended family. Lots of in fighting, but I survived! My husband was ill for10 years before he passed on, He was 13 years older than me. While he was alive and well, I was treated like a queen. As he got sicker and sicker, we swapped places, I cared for him exclusivley, loved him deeply and miss him desperately every day.
I am now caregiver to my mother and decided that I needed someone whom I could at least talk to, even if I don't find my next love. This was the best thing I have ever done because I found POF and everyone here to talk to. Yeah, I know we don't always agree with each other all the time, but at least you get to laugh a little and get some good advice at times and see that your life is not as screwed up as you tought it was.
I have decided that if I happen to come across my next love, great if not, ok also. I am determined to live my life the way I want to and not live for someone else. I can then talk to him, love him and care for him to any degree I want to and not feel badly about it.
Thanks POF, for being here!!! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/29/2010 3:28:54 PM | No offense Ms Leslies but if you've come to see these forums as you describe you really really need to step away from your computer and put your caregiving talents to use perhaps as a volunteer? Sadly what you'll find here are the complaints of dissatisfied people who probably spend far too much time online lamenting their lives instead of living it!
Generally whenever I've tried to become acquainted with a widow its not a good experience because so many hold on so long to those memories, the departed really never is gone and you're reminded of it regardless your desire to know. I'm sure some have truly moved on but you can't prove it by my by choice limited experience with widows.
Best to your mother BTW! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/29/2010 4:09:01 PM | BH, reading comprehension!
She already IS a caregiver for her mother. She may not have the time or energy to go somewhere else and volunteer. Especially after giving a number of years to caring for her late husband. Spend most of her waking hours being a caregiver and then going out and volunteering for more of the same??? Oh HELL no, one needs something different to do. I could certainly support the idea that she find the time and a way to get involved with some real-life activities but why not something just for fun! Are you freakin' kidding me? Every time I log out of the forums I become MORE content with my current life. Generally when I become acquainted with single men my age they are divorced, and although there have been many nice experiences, I find that they are mostly too emotionally damaged to have a longterm serious involvement with.
Cindy O | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/29/2010 5:57:57 PM | Have to agree with Cindy on her take on this one. Most divorced folks have one, maybe two experiences with a widow/widower and it may not be a good one so now they figure we're all like that. I have had dates with a multitude of divorced guys and most of them are too emotionally damaged to have dinner with let alone a relationship. In fairness, one widow I dated was not ready. But I must say, most train wrecks have been with the divorced and multiple divorced.
As for coming online and wasting her time - she's a caregiver again. She needs the mental break to come on here and giggle at the rest of us having a mental break. It's an online soap opera.
Everyone has fears in dating again whether you're widowed or divorced. Both need to heal, grieve, move on. You will know when you're ready. Stick you toe in, take baby steps or what ever works but give it a whirl. Have fun, laugh at yourself, enjoy life. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/30/2010 4:50:45 AM | | I discovered something about myself that I hadn't until a few days ago. Even through time has lapsed since my husband has died I have used his death to keep from being close or taking chances or trusting people. Apparently I have used his death a lot to keep from being in a fully committed relationship. I use it as a barrier. Now what to do? Its a funny thing how I use his death to prevent me from living fully. After reading what many have written it was a eye opener for me. I have combed this thread and I can see why and how I remain alone. I have let the past define myself and as of today I am going to make changes. I haven't compared others to him but I use the pain of his death to escape relationships I guess in a way this is resentment on my part if I keep reliving it......Thanks for all you have said and what you do......sharing your experience, strength and as of today your hope..... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/30/2010 1:14:35 PM |
I guess in a way this is resentment on my part if I keep reliving it
A lot of people feeling resentment.. It is not limited to those that lost a partner to death but also to divorce.. I have heard this in so many different ways when meeting people I just say next.. A complete turn off for me.
nativerock | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 11/30/2010 1:57:52 PM | | I thought about this for a bit after seeing this thread and skimming through some of the posts. I'd have to say my greatest fear, if it could be called that, would be not having another close relationship with a special man. I'm not clingy and I don't want someone living in my pocket, but I do like living with someone. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 11/30/2010 9:25:55 PM | My former husband died seven years ago, at first I just could not bring myself to deal with the event, and relived it several times trying to figure out what could have gone differently so that the ending would have been different.
I had one of the those relationships that worked, because we both knew we were safe and loved and so we were very relaxed in letting each other live and be.
I didn't realize that this was such a commodity and so hard to find.
So I greived for the loss of the recipe if you will.
I then emersed myself in studies and didn't have time to think about what was missing,
a distraction
Last summer my youngest moved out and I began to go through my house, from top to bottom.
I threw things out and put things to bed.
I have never felt better. I pouted when I turned 50 and now I realize it has been my source of freedom to be who I want to be, and now all of a sudden I feel like the real woman I used to feel like, and I am soo ready. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/1/2010 3:30:58 PM |
Every time I log out of the forums I become MORE content with my current life.
Well then if this is the case why not just stay out of the forums completely, thus being entirely content with your current life??  Yes indeed ya gotta be freaking kidding yourself................
But Ms Blueyesrsmiling thanks for your bits here----I’ve seen your same actions in the widowed women I’ve attempted to date over the years. In no way am I bashing you since its somewhat brave to realize and admit this even if its to yourself, privately.
I didn’t have so much a fear as great hesitation trying to date a widow for the very reasons you’ve stated----its sometimes simply too difficult breaking down the barriers and defenses. Add in a close knit social circle of friends and family who’ll so easily and readily recall what a wonderful being the departed was and you are compared whether or its intentional. Relationships are occasionally difficult enough to withstand daily trials but with that added pressure and frequent reminders for me it just wasn’t worth the effort it would have required to overcome and “prove” myself.
Yes divorced people are susceptible to every pitfall associated too often just to widows/widowers but for some reason its not quite as difficult “competing” with someone still alive. Maybe that’s a topic for study by those who engage in studies about human dynamics-----I don’t care why but certainly wouldn’t look forward to it myself.
If you’re really able to finally put it all behind and at least open yourself to what the future might hold with another I wish you the best. There comes a time for everything so maybe now you’ve see what has possibly held you back and can indeed move forward. I hope that’s true for you! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/1/2010 3:47:05 PM | | After reading all these posts of why people avoid us widows and widowers, I am ready to throw in the towel! We managed to stay with our spouses through thick and thin, no one ever said our relationships were perfect. So then they DIE and we are supposed to HIDE THIS FACT because DEATH IS CATCHING? Like there is some taint involved with actually sticking with someone to the end, instead of bailing and saying' I can't deal with this cuz GOSH it's way too REAL. My fear then is that I will never find anyone who can look reality in the face and accept it. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/1/2010 6:02:51 PM |
Every time I log out of the forums I become MORE content with my current life.
Well then if this is the case why not just stay out of the forums completely, thus being entirely content with your current life?? Yes indeed ya gotta be freaking kidding yourself................
Because they are also good entertainment, a good place to discuss and debate, appreciate some humor and maybe even help somebody or at least give them food for thought. Much of my real life activities just do not lend themselves to lively discussion.
I'm also going to tell you that your fears about a widow's friends sitting there talking AROUND you about the merits of the deceased is not as likely a scenario as you think. If they are really her friends, they will be glad she's seeing someone. If the marriage was a long one, they may not be able to help it that the late husband gets mentioned from time to time,but that doesn't mean you are being compared with him.
Greatest fear about new relationships? None, but it seems like a goodly part of the dating pool has a big unfounded fear of "competing with a ghost"...and I don't mean that just about my own opinion, it seems to be a universal theme with widowed persons that potential dating/relationship partners have this fear. I think most of us that have spoken here are NOT elderly, most of the unattached people that we'd consider dating with intent to serious relationship have come out of a divorce or break-up and while that is certainly an emotional trauma and recovery situation, it is not the exact same situation that widowed people experience. Most of us have trouble getting our heads around the concern of "competing with" or "being compared with" the memories of the departed SO. We aren't looking for a 'replacement"! We are looking for new opportunity! But when so many of the 'new opportunities' are fearful of being compared and failing to measure up to the deceased partner, it starts getting a bit tedious. And many of those who seem completely oblivious to that fear have intentions that are shallow. The trick is finding the middle ground and it seems like a pretty narrow channel sometimes.
Cindy O | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 12/2/2010 4:20:42 AM | | I am only looking at myself not others. And meant no harm in my posting. For myself this was a light bulb idea that just went on. I looked at my behavior and attitude. I had several things recently that brought it to light. This is my problem not anyone else's but I am only looking at myself. And I am not trying to place all widowers and widows along with me either are even suggest that they live this way. I have had several life experiences that have been dumped in my life and made me look at myself and make changes. And I am. I am more excited to have discovered on of my defects of character that I can change with my attitude. I am making progress and these these posts have been a eye opener for me. I usually use them as entertainment not finding my character buried deep inside one of them. But when I bump my head often enough and see myself in something others have written then I finally get it. And that is why I posted. I have bumped my head to often lately. So this subject has made me rethink many things and make changes. For myself it is a great thing to learn something about myself. Again I am in no way suggesting others behave this way.....this once I can say its all about me and the way I feel about myself........Peace | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/2/2010 4:49:57 PM | blueyes ~~ I've been aware and astonished for the better part of my life how much we use others -- parents, siblings, mates (living and dead) to keep us from doing what *we* are afraid to try/do. Some even use political parties and/or churches for the same reason. Breathing, I think, can be a very scary adventure -- more than many are able to take on. Glad for your journey of self discovery!!
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/3/2010 7:18:44 AM | I once again agree Ms Blueyesrsmiling is doing a great thing even if its for her own benefit in her life----it can’t help but be a good, positive step and I’m hoping it yields many many great opportunities, gives her more choices in that search for “the one”!! Good on ya’ Ma’am. Good post too Woobytoodsday!
I’m somewhat addressing the rest of this to LadyC4 and now WeedEater, not to single them out but perhaps answering their comments or questions will be helpful............
Both are essentially stating the same thing, that widows/widowers at least deserve equal consideration within the singles dating pool, that the not be excluded for that reason along, that they’re different from divorced or otherwise separated LTR’s in that they maybe don’t carry the residue of a failed relationship that ended poorly or with a lot of turmoil. Yes I agree all deserve this sort of equal consideration because after all we’re simply just people looking for something in human companionship. Anyone on a dating site tends to be looking for something so we create profiles that put our best features out and up front, hoping we’re considered for what we are instead of superficial things.
Perhaps unfortunately what we are places us into sub groups which some people will avoid quite vigorously. Too fat, too short, too old, too poor, too far away, too married, not separated enough etc etc etc---if given a choice we simply don’t want to deal with people we categorize as being undesirable. Call it exercising an efficiency, weeding them out even if its for reasons others don’t agree is the most sound of reasoning yet looking at so many profiles just in this thread its easy to see we ALL have preferences of some sort which exclude some people. These sub groups flock to these forums and voice their disagreement or disappointment in being excluded, often citing it as missing out on the better qualities they might offer. The irony here is those complaining the most also have preferences so where do it all end? LOL
I’ve made an earnest attempt to date widows three different and unique times---all of which I ended for the same reason---they had not yet moved on past their previous marriages or whatever. I hate saying I’ve ever wasted time with someone when meeting didn’t work out for the longer term but in these cases I believe I did. Each time I hoped for a different outcome, each subsequent one having made me less skeptical about their true states of mind or emotional “over it” with words and promises. I tend to be an optimist off line so wanted and did give them the benefit of doubt while staying aware of their actions, comparing those to the words and promises.
Each would either admit or demonstrate they had NOT moved on, put it behind them, that they in fact felt somewhat guilty for even meeting me, that they were betraying the departed. One of these unfortunate gals after we’d been on a few dates had me join a small gathering of her neighbors and friends during which I was informed what a great gal she was, how I had a lot to live up to considering her husband and blah blah blah. She stood by while these conversations went on, never once stepping in to shut it down. Oh yeah---this is exactly what I wanted to hear! LOL
Like any excluded sub group widows/widowers simply don’t have the perspective of those looking in on their profiles or lives, they’ll almost never date someone similar enough to get the full experience how it is to deal with such a situation or condition. In my experience SOME simply cannot or will not live in the present, hoping or longing to hold on to their wonderful lives yet find someone who completely understands and accepts those now gone relationships. We also see how loss through death isn’t the same as a divorce or separation from a LTR, that those people have issues also unresolved or lingering. Fact is that’s true---never a dispute from me about that. Where this falls apart is for some reason its easy to “compete” with a living person than it is a dead one. Not sure why that is---and its interesting to me to ponder........
Short of it all is SOME widows/widowers have NOT moved on and for me even if there are thousands locally who have, my limited but revealing experience (widows in particular) shows its simply not worth the time and effort continuing to give them the benefit of doubt---too many other opportunities that don’t have this particular bit of “baggage”. Yes the single dating pool might avoid them for my same reasons and yes its unfair to a degree but I’ve been excluded by so many online it’d be quite daunting if I took it seriously, thought being “rejected” due only the superficial was a horrible thing. We all prove ourselves in our actions and behaviors to those who give us a chance—that’s probably an agreeable statement by many. Considering I “struck out” with all of my attempts at dating a widow its also understandable why I would avoid them in the future. Its just one of those cruel facts of life, some won’t think we’re as great as we do and we can’t change their thinking!
Best of luck ladies!! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 12/3/2010 11:22:38 AM |
These sub groups flock to these forums and voice their disagreement or disappointment in being excluded, often citing it as missing out on the better qualities they might offer.
It is PEOPLE-regardless of how they've come to be single-who take 2-3 less-than-positive experiences and formulate an exclusion that may be doing THEMSELVES a huge dis-service. I could for ,instance cite 2 or 3 experiences with divorced guys who talked "relationship" but were really playing "get the goody and run"...and use it to preach against dating divorced men, or even simply keep it as a personal deal-breaker to be revealed in the first contact. ( "You're divorced? Sorry, don't date divorced guys, don't want to deal with divorced guys' crap,I dated 3-4 different divorced guys who were effed up in the head one way or another,so pretty much all divorced guys must be like that.)
Look, I GET that it's a lot easier when the person you're dating requires only that you are different from his latest ex-wife or husband, rather than the challenge of dating someone who had a good example of marriage to guide them.
The other problem is that probably the best way for a widowed person to determine their readiness for dating, and at what level they can date, is to get out and try it. This is one of the situations that makes the case FOR dating that isn't supposed to "go anywhere" or FwB. But too many people have been culturally browbeaten into believing that it's only acceptable to date in order to get into a serious relationship,so you get not only lonely widowed people, but lonely divorced people as well, pushing themselves into relationship-oriented dating because casual dating, activity partners ,or FwB ,with no need to make it "progress" are looked down on.
Any time you date someone that has a fairly recent bereavement or divorce, I think you have to be prepared that they may just be 'trying their wings" or "getting back out there". And there is just no way to put time frames on how people re-adjust.
Cindy O | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears of dating them
Posted: 1/12/2011 9:30:19 PM | Aren't the widowed 'individuals' just as the 'divorced' are????
Some assume that all 'widowed' people had good marriages
Some assume that all 'divorced' people aren't able to sustain a positive relationship
The last widowed man told me that the first thought he had after his wife died was...I'm finally free' He had mega baggage and his profile heading was 'footloose and fancy free'
I learned from experience that that's the way he wanted to stay,,,,and THAT' OK
Some divorced people are ready for an honest committed relationship
Some are not
I must admit I have been more inclined toward the widowed in the past but now I'm inclined to pay more attention to the amount of baggage someone carries whether widowed or divorced | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/21/2011 9:55:54 AM | | I just found this forum, thought the forums had been deleted. We weren't married but together for 4 years when she went brain dead in bed and when life support was removed passed. It'll be 6 years in Febuary. I'm a little hesitant getting back into a committed relationship but I'm not a player and find peace with one good woman. I've read some of the posts and agree with many of them. Divorce and losing someone to death are two totally different things. Divorce we have a say in, death we have no say. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2011 7:34:35 AM |
Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships ? As a widowed my greatest fear in a new relationship, is a man will find out that I am like a Virgin who was starve of  (joke) This is a silly thread if a widow/er or divorcee seek a new relationship that means that they want to start a new happy life with someone with NO FEAR. There is no such thing that you will do things that gave you fear, for FEAR is a killer , you can't function and become disoriented and it can stop your heartbeat.. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2011 9:10:55 AM | ^^^I disagree. There can be "fear" in starting to date and starting a new relationship after being widowed (or divorced). I hadn't been in the dating world for 33 years - 2 years dating and then 31 years married to my husband. You think I wasn't scared? Yes I was and I think it's perfectly normal to feel that way.
When I figured I was ready to start dating there were all kinds of things going on in my head - am I really ready, who is going to ask me out or can I ask someone out, I'm not 25 anymore, will someone find me sexy, who pays for the date, what will it be like to have sex with someone cause I've only had sex with one guy for the last 33 years, ......I could go on and on. All these things float around in your mind until you either settle down or try some of the things that scare you and realize that - hey, that was okay.
The "firsts" are the toughest - first date, first kiss, first sexual encounter, first vacation away, first break up, etc. Add that to the mix of "I feel a little guilty", which again is normal.
We all handle these things differently and on different time lines. There is no right way or wrong way - just do what ever is comfortable for you. And if it doesn't feel right or you realize you're not quite ready - try again later and don't worry about it. You will find what is right for you.
As for "fear", yup - totally normal. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2011 9:36:16 AM | ^^^^ There is no right and wrong about being fearful or fearless.
Some people has to learned the" in "and "out "of what they are getting into in the first place.. To be FEARLESS.
I don't believe in anticipation , of" what ifs" It is like a job ,you have to be prepared knowing the details of what you are getting into, but this is more challenging dealing with one on one with a person so you have be knowledgeable what he is up to,,,,,it is easy on a new job because it is a routine..
This is me and I don't inforce my morals to others , I don't let fear / guilt and regrets governed me for that is a waste of energy and time. Life is too short and I have 2 choicest in mylife > lose-lose situation or win -win stuation............ winning stuation is hard it is like climbing a rugged rocks to get to the top so you have to focus,and be strong and brave .... | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 1/23/2011 10:18:21 AM | I also don't "let fear/guilt and regrets govern me" as I've been widowed for six years but the questions the OP and some newly widowed folks on here are asking is "greatest fears about a new relationship" and their fears are based on how they feel in the beginning of their dating life - not after they have dated for some time.
I am not going to tell a newly widowed person that they are just silly for having these feeling - fear, apprehention, guilt, etc. Any other widow that I have talked to has had these feelings in the beginning. We all have to learn how to maneuver the world of dating, it's not like a job interview as emotion is involved. Each time we date a new person it becomes a little easier.
I will again tell the new to the dating world - it gets easier. | |
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