| | Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?Page 9 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) | Our stories are almost identical. (7 years for me). I have the same fear of being a caregiver again.
Don't think marriage or any kind of long term commitment is in the cards. My husband has been
Gone a year now and I have just started dating. Even a mention of further out than next week sends
Me into a panic mode and running out the door. I don't know when or if this will ever change, but
For now that's the best I can do. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/18/2012 5:19:26 AM | | Geeze, life just happens and it's likely that someone will caregive for the other...or, one can chose to be alone and not have the opportunity to caregive for another...and not have anyone to caregive for them either. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/23/2012 6:36:35 PM | No real "Fears"...other than Finding One...
Maybe just a bit nervous about how our chemistry will *Click*, butI'm fairly comfident...on My part...
Not every woman can say "I found a Good One!!" | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 2:23:20 AM | | I have recently become a widow... my husband died from cancer... and the last few months were horrendous, with me being his primary carer. My fear is that at my age I will meet someone I might care for and have the same happen again....I began the grieving process for my husband about 4 year's ago, and by the time of his death it was a bit of a relief to be honest... and I wouldn't want to go through that again in the near future. So.. what do I do.... live the rest of my life alone, or take the chance.... I would appreciate any feedback thanks...: | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 4:57:09 AM | You are having fears that many of us widowed have or have had. Nothing wrong with that, it's normal, at least I think it is. I remember one particular guy that asked me out at a large birthday party for a friend. There was nothing wrong with this guy, we chatted and flirted but later in the evening I looked at him from across the room and put my hand up to cover his face and thought "my gawd, he's built just like my husband" and from then on he may has well had "heart attack" tattoo'd on his forehead. So it was a no go for me.
These feelings have long since passed and they don't cross my mind anymore. But fresh into widowhood - yup, they were there. The wonderful thing is, they pass, they pass just like the pain of loss.
These thoughts also come with age, as we get older we wonder if we'll become caregivers or be the one cared for. Or maybe we'll die in our sleep or whatever. My Dad is the caregiver for my mother right now, she has alzheimers and he's been in the caregiving position coming on 10 years (with current respite help). It's an age thing.
Am I afraid to get into another relationship? Nope. Death is a fact of life, nothing is guaranteed. And I recently told someone - I'd rather have 5 years of wonderful than the rest of my life with nothing special.
So go dip you toe in the dating pond. Take it slow and enjoy. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 11:45:29 AM | | I understand ,my late husband was only 37 so it wasn't like he was old .It took me six years to even think about dating ! But time does heal . I truly think I am ready to move on now and have been enjoying dating for over two years (my husband had a lot of health problems also ) But just try to not think of the future just live n the moment! And am hoping to have a lasting long term relationship! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:20:20 PM | | Been a widow for 23 months. One of the first questions I ask is: Are you on any medications? Then I ask what they are? Although it doesn't stop me from dating them and becoming exclusive. Take it slow. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 12:56:36 PM |
To be brutally honest, my greatest fear is that I would learn to care for someone again only to have them get sick. I do not want to spend the rest of my life caretaking (15 years is enough!), but would do it again if I loved someone. Does anyone else ever feel this way?
Just wondering.
Actually what I would fear more was if I was to get sick and them having to do away with me.. LOL Thankfully Canada just approved one ladies choice to die with dignity.. I believe if my memory is correct she is from B.C. So more general approval might just come late this summer..Past time for this law to come into play.. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 6/30/2012 3:18:48 PM | I began the grieving process for my husband about 4 year's ago, and by the time of his death it was a bit of a relief to be honesy
It was the same for me too...yet, it wasn't my total reality...though I knew death was in our near future...I also hope that we had more time...a year...a month... a week...a day...an hour...a minute...I hoped...but, we didn't get that extra time...when I came into the dating world I thought I was ready...I really wasn't...but, after some trial and error I was...sigh..this is sort of how it works for most of us...of course, those more perfect people wait till they're really ready and then start dating...good for them...
and I wouldn't want to go through that again in the near future
Well who would...still life happens and one cannot predict the future with any certianty...so...my suggestion is to live live and let the chips fall as they may...God bless and good luck. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/3/2012 6:34:06 AM | | Absolutely, it makes sense. I too have been widowed after years of struggling with the diagnosis of my late husband's bipolar. I was too much of a loyal spouse and i stuck through thick and thin all the while taking care of my special needs twins. Even after 9 years of widowhood my greatest fear is my partner becoming ill and I will have to snap back into that caregiving role. It is ironic however that I have met a wonderful man who is also widowed and also was in the caregiving role for his late wife. He is teaching me to let go of that fear however. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/3/2012 7:42:11 AM | | WOW, this subject has hit home. I lost my husband after 13 surgeries within a month. I would do it all again for love. In fact, I was dating someone who was also widowed. My only problem, he didn't take care of his health with regards to preventitive care. You need to want to attempt to stay healthy whether you are widowed or not. I felt honored being there for my deceased husband. It was what I felt obligated to do, out of respect for being his spouse. I know too that he would have done the same for me. RC | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2012 12:40:20 AM | I just lost my wife of 32 yrs to cancer 7 months ago. I cared for her till the end. I also fear losing someone else. 6 months before I lost my brother who was with the exception of my wife, was my greatest friend. 2 weeks ago in 16 hours I lost my Aunt and my cousin. So yes I TRULY understand about fearing losing another but if we aren't here to give and get love from others, why are we here at all.
Swamp"Angel, love and loving is all that will ever help us get through this cold and lonely world. We are here to give smiles, hugs and love to beat back the night. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2012 8:16:17 AM | | I have lost a husband at a relatively early age. I also lost a husband through divorce. I am now in a relationship with a man that is older than I am. Initially, I was reluctant to get involved. But... after giving it some thought, I felt like I could enjoy it for as long as it exists. "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Sometimes you just have to take the risk. My risk has been very worthwhile so far. He is a great guy!!! | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2012 3:44:53 PM | Great post. It will be 3 years for me next month after a year of taking care of him. I don't regret a minute of taking care of him but have only realized, in the last year, how traumatic it was. I'm not a "nurse-y" type of person and I cared for him in ways I never thought possible for me. He was bedridden and incontinent and couldn't help me much when I had to change him and the bed and everything. He lost a lot of weight and I was a lunatic about bedsores so I cleaned up and lotioned him all the time. He never had a bedsore or was wet. Some days he could feed himself but a lot of days he could not. I had to be on top of his medications etc. It was a lot of work but I loved him dearly and felt as if I couldn't do enough for him. Do I want to do it again? Not really.
The first few times I was asked out on a date was a couple of years ago and being a caregiver was all I could think about. I don't think I had dealt with what I had been through as I was still grieving the loss of him. About 6 months ago I realized I hadn't dealt with the trauma of being a caregiver and started to deal with it.
I work at home and I'm an author so I spend a lot of time alone. So I decided to come here to find some companionship now but don't know if it would turn into a relationship. Time will tell, I guess. Thank you all for sharing so honestly. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2012 5:51:43 PM | Well now sus...your story of caregiving is a gift to those of us here...thank you for sharing....the caregiver grief may be just a little different from other types of grief...as is the sudden death grieving-never having had the opportunity to say good bye...sigh...it's all a little different and still the same.
I plan to go to sleep one night and never wake...passing away peacefully during the night...good plan, eh? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/4/2012 6:46:17 PM |
bigbadnirish
I plan to go to sleep one night and never wake...passing away peacefully during the night...good plan, eh?
I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa.
Not screaming in terror, like his passengers. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/7/2012 2:42:14 PM | I know it's been a long time since you posted but am very interested in your subject. Am not able to write to you directly due to your stated age restrictions. Kindly advise if and where your book is available.
Thanks. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 7/8/2012 7:13:44 AM | | hi...i know exactly how you feel...i took care of my husband while i watched him suffer and die from cancer...my greatest fear is to find someone, but so afraid of losing them, but yet would like to have someone in my life again....you are not alone in this....i understand | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 2/18/2013 4:39:51 PM | It was so interesting to read about all the different expierences of fellow widows/widowers. I had the love of my life for 28 yrs and lost him 2 yrs ago. I hadn't really thought about dating before, then a friend suggested POF. Now I have an online relationship, if you can call it that? (friends for now) but he is really pushing to meet me. We have only been chatting a few weeks, again a newbie, and not sure how I feel. I certantly don't want to lead any man on, as that is not my intention. I do thinking being rewarded with men that seem interested in me is an ego boost and I enjoy the chatting. My main concern is how would the 1st date go?? I'm so out of this scene that I'm afraid I would :
1) Compare him to late husband
2) Be a total nervous mess
3) Maybe like him and feel guilty or
all three.. Any Advice? I am very concerned about leading someone on and then not wanting to meet them. I could remain safe from afar but still have some interaction..Seems a tad disingenious.
Any helpful tips or thoughts that could help?? | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 2/19/2013 6:55:45 AM | Firstly you don’t have to meet up, if you decide that you want to keep things online and tell him so honestly then you’re not leading him on. Leading someone on is when you deliberately deceive someone through lies or omission to keep a relationship going. If you do decide to meet then just be yourself and see what happens. Treat the date as a self-contained one off event, the aim of it is to get to know each other (and yourself) a bit better. You can decide afterwards what you want to do next.
As far as your specific fears go, warn him that this is your first date since losing your late husband and you’re not sure how you will react to that emotionally, and make sure that you have somewhere to go and be by yourself afterwards to deal with grief issues if you need to. It doesn’t matter if you can’t help comparing him to your late husband, or you are a total nervous mess, or you feel guilty about liking him, just be honest with him and yourself these things.
The way I see my grief is that there is this sludge of emotions sitting there waiting for me to feel them. Things like first dates, good dates, bad dates or finding a jar of you lost love’s jam that’s now past its expiration date stir up these emotions, they don’t cause the pain they bring it to the surface. While it’s there some of the grief evaporates and next time there is a bit less to be stirred up. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 2/19/2013 7:28:18 AM | ^^^^^
Not to be inconsiderate but the last thing I'd want is far a widower to tell me this is his first date since.... I'd try to be understanding as a person but I'm looking for a boyfriend/partner/mate and not a stray puppy.
This is your issue and not mine. Deal with it. I'm not here for you to ease into the dating world. anymore than for someone who just went through a divorce and is floundering around.
It relates back to another thread about if you would date a widower or not. My answer is a definite 'Yes' but I'm dating him because he is a potentially desireable male partner. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 2/19/2013 8:56:45 AM | That's a fair point, I was making assumptions based on the facts that they'd been chatting for a few weeks and that he was now pushing for a meeting, but if you were trying to push a widower you were chatting with into meeting with you wouldn't you want him to tell you if the reason he had been putting you off was that he was worried about how he would react to being on a date?
I agree with your general sentiment, any issues of grief are my responsibility and I wouldn’t expect someone I was going out with to be my therapist. | |
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| Widow/ers: Greatest fears about new relationships?
Posted: 2/19/2013 11:24:38 AM |
I do thinking being rewarded with men that seem interested in me is an ego boost and I enjoy the chatting. My main concern is how would the 1st date go?? I'm so out of this scene that I'm afraid I would :
1) Compare him to late husband
2) Be a total nervous mess
3) Maybe like him and feel guilty or
all three.. Any Advice? I am very concerned about leading someone on and then not wanting to meet them. I could remain safe from afar but still have some interaction..Seems a tad disingenious.
Any helpful tips or thoughts that could help??
Hmmm...I guess there's no way to tell what you will feel until you leap into the pond.
From personal experience I find:
I've never compared
I've been nervous
I've never felt guilty
There's a quote I'd like to share with you:
"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” Erica Jong | |
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