| | Disabled for life, should I be too?Page 3 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | You should have never asked this question on a public message board.
This decision is yours to make. Not ours.
It's easy for people to point the finger at you, as I've seen in many of the replies you've accumulated, for not conforming to "vows" etc. It's real easy to judge someone else against arbitrary moral grounds.
My only advice is to do what you feel is right. Life is short, and you know as well as anyone that it can be gone your next minute. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:38:53 PM | Some friends you have referring you to a dating site to find friends with benefits. Why not try a message board for people that are dealing with the same thing as you. Contact your hospital and see what they can recommend.
A dating site of all places...THAT'S why people are saying you're disrepectful. That and the fact you're looking to cheat on her. | |
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blue46
| | Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/15/2006 9:59:15 PM | | Therapy ( if you haven't tried it) might be a better alternative than dating or looking for female friends. The both of you have my prayers. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/15/2006 11:51:55 PM | To those who have falsely accusded McBeth of not honouring his vows.. He has been the best husband to his wife that anyman could be and then some. THey were best of friends they always did things together.. gosh when i look at what my marriage was like.. i would always say to our other mutual friends that I wanted one like theres.
I have known both of them for nearly 17yrs. His wife and I were best friends and often shared many conversations of "what if" this would happen.. She never wanted to burden her family. I have gone over to visit numerous times over the past several years.. and gosh when you have to feed your wife.. tell her to eat and have her reply she does not know how to chew.. sometimes its just heart wrenching.
If you could see how he still looks at her you would see the love that he still has for her.. but the sad part is the look she gives him is empty cause of her illness. We are not here to judge him.. for unless we walk in his shoes.. how could we. Eveyone is different and reacts differently.
And yes most of are on here for vows we no longer believed in.. here is a man that still holds his till " death do they part"! My mom passed away not to long ago.. and her final words to her children and my father.. was to be happy.. that life is to short to waist and be lonely. I'm sure anyone who is dying and is leaving loved ones behind would feel the same thing.. Life is a gift and meant to live it to the fullest. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 3:10:06 AM | | obviously you feel guilty, but follow your heart only you have the right answr to what your going threw. be strong for her and yourself. dont destroy 23 years for the last 5 | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 4:34:15 AM |
(Msg 47) of all those telling you to "wait" "for better or worse" "in sickness and in health"... how many of them are divorced? How many of them walked away from a marriage because they wern't getting what they needed to be happy? How many of them didn't stick around just because they promised "till death do us part"... if they are divorced you can bet THEY DIDN'T KEEP THEIR PROMISES because life DOES change.
HEAR! HEAR!
Well said, Lady Kay. Some folks have the twisted belief it is noble to dump one's partner but such a sin to have an affair. What convoluted logic would lead anyone to believe divorcing is not breaking the marriage vow?
If Macbeth does have an affair while his wife is still living there is no chance he will give her an STD as they are not intimate any longer. If finding companionship helps him fulfill his obligation to his wife then all the power to him.
As you rightly noted I'm sure many of the people accusing him of breaking his vows broke their's for a lot less. There's no shortage of selfish, self-centered, illogical people in the world. Their telling him it is better to divorce and leave her rather than find companionship in the arms of another woman is ludicrous.
Desert/divorce his ill wife but never, ever have sex with someone else even though he continues to look after her. Gawd, people have a twisted view of sex. Maybe they don't realize they are here because their father had sex with their mother. I hope I didn't shock them.
To Macbeth: You are more honorable than your condemners, themselves, could ever dream of being. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 5:37:29 AM | This woman dedicated 23yrs of her life to u and it is a tragic thing that has happened yet I think u should wait. I would like to think if I was her that my husband who I love would just be there still loving me and hold my hand till the end. She may not remember who u seem the person u remember but her memories are in there somewhere and she is still the woman u chose to spend your life with. Your commitment and support is possibly the last thing u really have left for her now but you know her and really know if she was in a position to tell u herself what her answer would be
take care xjx | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 8:36:51 AM | My question is am I scum because I have started to see other women as friends or maybe more if things work out
Ok....
BUT.....you claim
I havn't broken my vows
Then you claim you're looking for "friend with benifits"
Which is it? You can't have it both way's.......you haven't broken your
vows BUT you're looking for friends with 'benifits.' I'm extremely puzzled by
your shifting position. Can you elaborate?
Although i may be able to deal with it and my wifes family encourage me to get out more . i would never flaunt it in their face
If your wifes family is encouraging you to go out and DATE......why would you feel
guilty about not FLAUNTING it in their face. Isn't it your wifes brothers and sisters
and parents encouraging you to cheat on her? Why would they care if you do?
again....
I havn't broken my vows I am still here and if you read my profile i'm not going anywhere. I am looking for friendship and companionship
....but then.....
I have started to see other women as friends or maybe more
....you are intelligent enough to see where I'm going with this, right.
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 8:45:08 AM | | Lazy boy im sorry if i offended you , i didn't know about your father and i have appologized. by friends with benefits doesn't mean sex. someone to spend time with to converse with to enjoy a walk with. I have been alone for a long time now. its not the sex i miss. its the being close to another human, mentaly not physically. you probably dont believe me but thats how it is. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 8:47:01 AM | friends with benefits doesn't mean sex
I always thought it was a common expression about SEX.
Offended me? No need to apologies, I'm addressing your question; you asked
if we thought you were SCUM (your words)....I'm only answering your thread. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 8:56:47 AM | Friends with benefits means SEX!
What else do you think the benefits part of it means? It doesn't mean going out and hanging out and stuff cause normal friends do that.
Friends with benefits is a normal friend with the added bonus of sleeping with them.
And like I said before hit the support groups, not a dating site. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:00:41 AM | Honestly, ALL my friends except one are women.....I've never realized the
'benifits' of my female friends over the male friends....it's time for a little
talk with my girly friends - they've been holding out on me!! :S | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:08:10 AM | "My question is am I scum because I have started to see other women as friends or maybe more if things work out,"
If your VOWS included "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part" HELL YES YOU ARE SCUM. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:23:11 AM | i am also so very sorry you have to suffer with your wifes illness. i don't think anyone on this post can say they really knows what mental pain you are going though. you do what you need to do and don't punish yourself for having needs. it is so easy for people to say what they believe they would do but until it happens to them they really don't know what emotions will take over to change their minds. i think the ones that have responded to this post should ask their partner that they are with now if this happen to them what would they expect from their partner.
god bless and take care | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:23:34 AM | Depends on who divorced whom.
People, if you can't stand by your vows, write your own; you can have a lawyer
create it for you with words like "in so far as...." & "herein" or "herewith"....it may
not sound pretty, and it may be much about nothing, but those vows
are something you can adhere to.
PS: Don't get married in a church either....the church is NOT a cheesy prop for
your amusement. It's serious business. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:36:34 AM |
He's not divorced! He can screw whoever he wants when he's divorced
My point was that divorced people took the same vows, and did not honor them "til death."
I am afraid I can't subscribe to the idea that he is "scum" to continue to care for his wife, but that it would be more honorable for him to divorce her and then "screw whoever he wants." | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:39:49 AM | Actually if he left her, things will become extremely costly for him. The marital assets ie the house
will be divided....if he hangs on long enough to see her pass away, he would
get everything. So, he is NOT permitted to divorce....it would be COSTLY - BIG TIME.
The cost for putting in a home? We paid $2200 per mos putting my dad in a care
facility. She would be put there by her lawyers and the support payments demanded
through the divorce would be put towards those costs. It took about 6 years for my
dad to pass away.....you do the math.
Hence the dilemma. | |
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ams42
| | Joined: 3/12/2006
Msg: 71 | |
| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:45:19 AM | I admire you Jerry. You stuck it out to the end. Took your vows very seriously.
I did want to say something on this topic. You have to be careful with how much you can handle on the caregiving part. My focus is a little "off kilter". When my son was born he suffered a stroke. Therefore, he requires care 24/7/365. I haven't had "outside help". My son is 17 years old now. I was married for close to 20 years. My ex-husband started experiencing health problems, was letting himself go and giving up. I asked him to help himself get better. He refused to take his medications, therefore, I had to deal with his health problems. It became too much for me to handle. The doctors told him to "shape up" or he'll end up dead or in a nursing home. They told him it wouldn't be fair to me to make me care for him on top of caring for my son. He still refused. So, I divorced him. I'm getting the help now with my son. My ex regrets his choices and is starting to take care of himself now. Too late for our marriage! Makes me sad that we had to get divorced for him to realize what he needed to do.
Just my thoughts and life experience. As someone else said, don't judge until you have walked in that person's shoes.
Good luck to all that are in this kind of situation.
Anita | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:46:22 AM | After reading all these posts about how Macbeth's wife may or might or could feel if he discreetly stepped out with another woman I ask what woman can say she loves her husband knowing she can not offer physical or mental companionship and insist he do without, as well? What degree of selfishness are we seeing in this thread?
Would you insist your spouse, the person that you love with all your soul, to suffer along with you if you were ill? Would you deny your spouse, the person you have loved for almost 25 years, something as basic as intimacy with another human being because you were no longer able to offer that?
I've heard misery loves company but this is going way over the line. Does your definition of love include demanding your spouse be denied that which they have every right to expect because you are unable to offer it?
Hearing some of these posters say, "I love you" would strike fear in the hearts of many.  | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:46:44 AM | Now honestly I have not read every posting on this thread, so if what I am going to say has been said, I'm sorry.
macbeth
This isn't really to be critical, but just something to think about. I belong to another forum where the subject is a little more common. You say you have been happily married for 23 years. Then we have these tragic events. It sounds like you have communicated very well with your wife before these events occurred.
Don't be surprised when she passes away of how grief stricken you'll be. Sometimes the grief is far more intense and lasts far longer than you expect.
Now let's say you meet somebody before your wife passes away, do you think it will be really fair to put this person through this?
And grief doesn't last for just a few days, but a general rule is after the death of a spouse is 1000 days
now I had mentioned another forum where this is more common as a discussion, there are those who say even though they knew their loved ones were going to die and thought they were prepared were very surprised to find out they were not prepared at all.
I belong to the forum because four years ago, the woman I lived with died.
It will take you a while to get through it. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:54:58 AM | Would you deny your spouse, the person you have loved for almost 25 years, something as basic as intimacy with another human being because you were no longer able to offer that?
Dude, the woman is still conscious....she's aware of her surroundings! She's not
retarded or lost her capacity to rationalize what's going on around her...he even
said so!!
If you want to break the vows do so by divorce - don't be worrying about the
costs associated to it. If I were the children, I would hire a lawyer to represent
her interests in this situation. It sounds like nobody is listening to her needs.
She does not initiate conversation and basically just answers questions
Why not ask HER what she thinks.....you said she can answer questions!! Did
you ask her? Maybe she'll demand for a lawyer....kick you to the curb and
your problems resolved.
@Dave:
A question back at you: Would you, knowing that your wife is suffering and is
in pain, exasperate that pain by breaking her heart by dating another girl
because you want to become intimate again? Or will you stand by her? | |
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