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| | Disabled for life, should I be too?Page 4 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | Awwwww, Macbeth, I feel so bad for you and your wife......and no matter what you choose to do, if you are still caring for your wife and are sticking with her, no way are you 'scum' in my book!
My suggestions are to get with your family and try to come up with something you can all live with....the people who are in your life now are the ones who really matter....especially your kids. I know if I was your wife, the last thing I would want is my family fighting over what was happening because of my situation.
You say that you aren't looking for sex, but hugs and companionship? Well, when my husband was overseas, I still hung around with the couples we hung around with when he was here....also had single friends that I did things with that didn't include guys....then there was plenty of hugs within the family. You could also get involved with friends and go fishing, golfing, or whatever.. Have you ever let friends know that you would like company once in awhile? If I had a friend like this, and I knew he WANTED my company and wouldn't consider me to be intruding, I would not only be there for him, but would help him out with her, too. What's the deal with 'wanting more2006?' Can't she fill the needs of hugs and companionship? After all, she was your wife's best friend and it sounds like she has a lot of respect for you.
I'm not condemning you for whatever you choose....it's your life. I answered the way I did above because you said it wasn't about sex. Just keep in mind that when she dies, guilt is one of the steps of grieving, whether it is deserved or not.. you don't want to make the grieving process harder on yourself than it needs to be.
My brother was in a short coma before he died in a motorcycle accident, and after he died, I was wishing for a long time, that he had hung on, so I would have him to hug, whether he knew me or not....I still knew and loved him....maybe that wasn't realistic, but only grief-thoughts? (Can I assume that you aren't able to still hug your wife? Too many tubes or something?)
As for myself, I wouldn't date, but would surround myself with friends and family to keep busy.....BUT, I know that if I was in your WIFE'S situation, (I can't speak for everyone), I would WANT you to go out with women and be happy, (sex or not)....especially if you were still by my side...what a man, in my opinion!!!!
As a matter of fact, if I ever get married again, I plan to write something up to that affect and notorized if necessary, so no one will give him any crap about it! Another reason I would want to write this, is for the 'other girl'....because I know I couldn't go out with a man in your situation, not knowing your wife, or how she and your family felt....I would feel so low, and I wouldn't want my husband's 'other girl' to feel like that.
~DC~ | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 11:41:26 AM | Actually, it's not that simple......NO woman will date you. I may not know all that there is to know about women, but one characteristic is that they are incapable of dating
someone who's married to a spouse that is extremely ill. The girls typically would find
it shameful to admit having a relationship with a man who would breach his vows
in this manner.
Please count me out from the incapable of dating someone who's married to a spouse that is extremely ill. Find me such a good man who would prefer to look after his sick wife instead of leaving her in a warehouse type of nursing home, I will do everything to help him out, to make him happy. And yes, I will shameless admit having a relationship with a man who would breach his vows in this manner. Gosh! If my goal and wish is to make a man's life more comfortable and easier, who care what the other would think of me?? Accusations and gossips never bothered me. And I will help to look after his wife all I can.
If I am going to remarry, the first thing I will do is to compose an agreement to say in case I am sick and terminally ill, my partner then has the right to do whatever he is good for his health being. By all means, I must be very much in love with a man before I marry him, why would I want to drag him into my suffering. And I am damn serious about this agreement.
From the country I come from, there were two famous actors in separated cases had the same situation as the OP has now. Everyone knew they both had girlfriends before their wives passed away (longterm illness up to 20 years). We gave the husbands and his girlfriends lots of respect for taking care of the sick wives. When we think Western societies would be more open than Asian societies, it is not always true. | |
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supper
| | Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 78 | |
| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 12:03:17 PM | | I agree with crystalheart. I would NOT want my husband to spend the rest of his life taking care of me, if I can not even recognize who he is! Dying of cancer is one thing, but being a borderline non-responsive vegetable is another (no disrespect meant to your wife, OP). Considering the current divorce rate, I'd say this situtation is one of the better examples of when divorce IS a good solution. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 1:03:29 PM | If anyone ever says there's no decent women on here I'll refer them to Msg 77
I would WANT you to go out with women and be happy, (sex or not)....especially if you were still by my side...what a man, in my opinion!!!! and Msg 78
Find me such a good man who would prefer to look after his sick wife instead of leaving her in a warehouse type of nursing home, I will do everything to help him out, to make him happy. And yes, I will shameless admit having a relationship with a man who would breach his vows in this manner..
(Msg 74) @Dave:
A question back at you: Would you, knowing that your wife is suffering and is in pain, exasperate that pain by breaking her heart by dating another girl because you want to become intimate again? Or will you stand by her?
There is no need to break anyone's heart. Macbeth wrote,
(OP)The strokes took away most of her memory so she doesn't allways know who I am, she doesn't talk anymore except to answer questions sometimes. due to the brain injury she sleeps about 18 to 20 hours a day and her pronosis is poor and declining.
People have affairs and the brightest among us do not know. A minimum amount of discretion and Macbeth's wife will not suspect anything. He has brought her home to care for her. The important thing now is to insure Macbeth maintains the "strength" to continue. Should he be fortunate enough to meet another lady such as Crystalheart everyone will benefit, especially his wife.
Lazyboy, I pose a question to you. Do you honestly believe if he has a sexual relationship with another woman, should he choose while looking after his wife, it would be worse than if he put her in a home and started divorce proceedings? | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/16/2006 1:25:01 PM | If my gf were conscious and is self-aware and recognizes me??? Are you kidding me or
what? Yes, I'll stay by her....as I mentioned, my own mother and all of us in our
family stayed by our dad. On good day's he'd be able to speak of his fear in broken
and halting words but we knew what he was trying to convey and continued to
give him hope that things may get better. Then he'll 'dissapear' but then emerge
again to communicate to us.
But anyway, I won't try to convince you how to think...we all have our values;
experiences that helped shape us to become the people we are today. For better or for worse. | |
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Catwm
| | Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 81 | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 10:50:10 AM | "we all have our values;"
Some are just a whole lot lower than others. The part about bringing the whole family into it, are you kidding? This is a matter between husband and wife. His "needs" are not necessarily anything the kids need to deal with. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 11:19:33 AM | If it was reversed and your wife was taking care of you.. what do you think she would do?
In all honesty.. you are the one who needs to live with your decisions and actions not any of us on here who don't even know you.
I understand how you can feel apprehensive about wanting and even possibly needing some affection from another... but if you feel guilty in any way as you obviously do perhaps you should reasess why it is you feel you need this affection. There are plenty of people who would NOT run into the arms of another once their partner is ill in whatever capacity. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 12:00:59 PM | | Here's some food for thought.....2 years ago, I (at 26) suffered 3 strokes. I had to re-learn how to walk, how to talk, how to brush my teeth! and you know what?? If I didn't have amazing family and friends around 24-7 I don't think I could have done it. Ask yourself how long have you been married and in love with this woman, and do you really want to do something that will taint any of the memories you may have left with her? I commed you for stepping up and taking care of things that need to be done, but please, for her sake and your own, go a step further and see it through until the end. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 12:06:15 PM | | Sorry to hear about you loss, but it is until death do you apart and sicker or poorer. So in my opinion that is a mean cruel thing to do. You are thinking of your needs and not your wifes. Shame on you. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 4:44:20 PM | Sorry to hear about you loss, but it is until death do you apart and sicker or poorer. So in my opinion that is a mean cruel thing to do. You are thinking of your needs and not your wifes. Shame on you.
I can't understand what this message is about. Let say McBeth is dating now, does it necessary mean:
1) he is leaving and giving up on his wife?
2) he is no longer has wish to take care his wife?
3) wife will receive less care and attention from him?
4) he is going to send her back to nursing home immediately?
5) he would no longer has concern of his wife's needs.
I want to know what would actually happen to the wife if husband start dating and please give example statements of the would be Damages.
I agree with diggy03 that there are plenty of people who would NOT run into the arms of another once their partner is ill in whatever capacity, yet if McBeth wants to date, I will wait until there are Actual Damages done to his wife from his dating I would not throw my stone to him.
McBeth's only mistake is to ask everyone's approval of his intent. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 4:58:11 PM | Oh my gosh! May God Bless her and Im so sorry to hear about what happened to your wife.
I think you should remember that you walked her down the isle and it states "for better or worst" from death to you part" Remember that, its ok to make new friends but NEVER any more...God Bless you and your wife! | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 5:17:44 PM |
I want to know what would actually happen to the wife if husband start dating and please give example statements of the would be Damages.
What would happen to you if your husband started dating another woman??
Just cause the wife is ill doesn't mean you can cheat! Where do you people get your morals from?
So if the wife gets a cold...the husband can cheat?
If the wife is in the hospital on bedrest while she is pregnant...the husband can cheat?
He's MARRIED! I don't care if she's a vegetable in a coma YOU.DO.NOT.CHEAT. Simple really. Understandably you need someone to talk to, to confide in, the OP said it's nothing physical so why the hell is he on a dating site trying to find that and why the **** is he saying, friends for now and we'll see where it goes later??
GO TO A SUPPORT GROUP! I've only said this a million times. When you find out you have cancer and need someone to talk to do you go on a dating site? Nooo, you generally tend to look for site that offer support from people who have gone thru what you are going thru.
In my opinion all the op was doing was trying to get someone to say it was ok for him to cheat and you guys have gone ahead and done that. Now I wonder should a thread come up about cheating, how many of the same people are going to be totally against it. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 5:51:54 PM | u`ve gotta do whats best 4 u.. have u thought about going threw a homecare agency 2 help u out when u need a much needed break??.. they have services 24/7.. might be something 2 think about..  | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 7:57:11 PM | | jenni I changed my profile because people like you were reading things into it that wasn't there. your not married you have no f---ing idea what i'm going through. why dont you go piss on somebody else for a change. I'm out of here. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 10:19:40 PM | What would happen to you if your husband started dating another woman??
What would happen would be solely between me and my husband, nobody need to give an outside comment for that. I am the spouse who is cheated upon so I am the only one who would have to understand it. What if I say there won't be much happen, would you flip???
Where do you people get your morals from?
Hey, I cannot speak on behalf of my people but I will tell you my morals are from flexibility. With that I mean, sometimes I could have zero moral standard; that usually happens when I try to understand other people's situation.
He's MARRIED! I don't care if she's a vegetable in a coma YOU.DO.NOT.CHEAT
hmmm, let's see, CHEAT, a breach of contract. Everyday there are tons of breaches of contracts. I don't see what's the big deal about it if no parties are suffering. I am talking about the Actual Damage, don't give me that Intangible Assumptions. Cheating in a marriage is sinful not because of cheating itself, but of hurting and harming the other party. In MacBeth's case, I don't see the wife could or would be suffering when he dates therefore I see no sin. I have already told you my morals are not for anytime.
AND besides, I am not his wife, I am not in any position to yell YOU.DO.NOT.CHEAT, that is, with or without moral. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 11:14:56 PM | op I am sorry but how will you feel if the tables were turn huh? hopefully this lady can come back to normal and dimiss you if she ever finds out it still cheating atlease wait till her bodyis cold huh geez | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/17/2006 11:30:49 PM | Jenni I changed my profile because people like you were reading things into it that wasn't there. your not married you have no f---ing idea what i'm going through. why dont you go piss on somebody else for a change. I'm out of here.
hahahahha all cause of ME? How exactly do you know anything I've been thru in my life. How do you know I was never married? How do you know my husband didn't die the same way and that's what pisses me off so much?
The only thing I 'read' into was every word you said.You said friends with benefits, I read SEX. You said I'm looking for friends right now and we'll see what happens later, I read you want more then just friends.
I'm glad I pissed you off! It makes me happy! Cause now maybe you'll rethink cheating on your poor wife. And if anyone else ever makes a post like this, don't worry I'll be here to piss them off too.
And if you haven't changed your mind, it sure seems like the lady above me would be willing to help you out there.
Stay home with your wife, you need help, go to support groups, get a dog and some friends so you can have a life outside of your wife, get the home care to come in and help you out for respite (I'm a health care aid I know what's it like to care for someone who's unresponsive and is near death, I've seen what the SO looks like and feels like, oh trust me I've had tons of them unload to me every time I was there).
Get some actual help and stop thinking of your physical needs, your wife can't even get up to pee or take a shower ..don't you think that's more important? | |
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kame
| | Joined: 4/7/2006
Msg: 95 | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/18/2006 12:56:15 AM | First let me start by saying that I am truly saddened to hear about your situation.
Coming from a person in the health care field I have seen a lot of sad cases.
I commend you on the fact that you are taking care of your wife at home, it's a tough job for any person to have to take care of someone 24/7, let alone it being someone you have spent so many years watching grow with you. It must be hard to look at her and wish so much that you could have her back.
Please know that I am not here to judge you, as no one should be whether they are in your situation or not. But also know that I do believe your wife knows you are there, whether she can actually communicate with you or not, she is there trapped inside her body.
However, this being said... if it was me, I would want you to move on, as much as it would hurt if I knew, it would hurt me more to see my husband suffering with me.
Neither of you asked for this, its just the hand you were dealt and you have to play it how you see fit, win or lose.
Good luck with everything... I wish you all the happiness you deserve.
We as humans crave the companionship, whether others want to believe it or not. Its a basic human instinct. If your wife can no longer give you that companionship, then she would wish you the best of luck in finding it somewhere else I am sure.
Best Wishes! | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/18/2006 3:12:43 AM | I think You should find friends and live your life, but be truthful with any and all women who you get involved with.If your committed to taking care of your wife, then you have chosen the way you have to go...Married to the end.. if not then divorce her and place her in a good nursing home, (There are indeed fine, well run homes) near you.
Life Is way too short to not live it fully with love and affection.. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/18/2006 6:42:57 AM | | its a hard call here for sure. on the one hand sure you need friends and company. If it feels like cheating then it is. How do you feel about it. I hear a little guilt going on. It is probably justified. I had this happen to some people I know and the wife lasted a long time. They were to the point that they wanted her to die. Not good. This is just another chance for you to learn lessons in this short life that we live. Be faithful to this one and your next one will be sure that you will be faithful to her as well.. | |
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Tansi
| | Joined: 2/25/2006
Msg: 100 | |
| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 4/18/2006 10:20:56 PM | Hmmm. .. I read the first page and bipassed the rest. I have had lots of experience in seeing this situation over and over again. I had my own homecare/palliative care business . Over the years I saw a lot death and dying. I also saw my family members and several of my own personal friends pass away.The suffering the spouses and family went through while it was happening was tremendous. A lot of the grieving was done before they actually passed away and for someone who is so severely incapacitated , I expect it is much the same.
I have had discussion with my friends, and have instructed my family that if I ever became terminally and I am married , that my husband is excused from celibacy and I encourage him to leave himself open to meeting someone else.
I totally understand where you are all coming from about marriage vows. But you are assuming he took traditional vows and are assuming that he is abandoning her. He didn't indicate that; he brought her home to care for her. Nor did he say he didn't love her.
Our personal experiences all lead us down different paths and to different understanding. I too believe that he knows what to do . It's his wife. He knows her. But also, if there "is" a Judgment Day, that he will be judged by someone who has seen the whole picture.
Bless you and your family and may you find the strength and wisdom to make the right decision. | |
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