| | Disabled for life, should I be too?Page 5 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | "I have had discussion with my friends, and have instructed my family that if I ever became terminally and I am married , ..."
I believe he needs to do the same, talk to his wife. No one in here can answer for her. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/23/2006 6:14:25 AM | I've been reading the many different threads on this base subject and have enjoyed reading the different views and opinions.
There are a few quotes I'd like to share that I think people need to remember when looking at any potential mate or even making new friends.
To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., "you cannot judge someone simply by the color of their skin or the condition of their body. You must judge the person by the content of their
character. "
"The key here is to realize that everyone is different, and a disability (or lack thereof) is simply a condition of the body, not the full measure of the man or the woman."
"that a person is only as disabled as you let them be and inside that person is someone whom isn't disabled and is worth getting to know."
"Disability is a matter of perception. If you can do just one thing well, you're needed by someone." Martina Navratilova
My 2 cents... | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/25/2006 7:27:45 AM | | Well think about the future. What if your wife passes away and you're out on a date. Would you be able to live with yourself after that? | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/25/2006 7:33:46 AM | If someone loves you, they'd never want to hold you to commitment to them that you really didn't want to keep. Doing so breeds resentment, and unhappiness.
Under the circumstances, the choice you make is really about how it's going to affect you inside -- it's a decision about who you want to be, and what you choose.
Either choice you make won't be ideal until you come to terms with whichever direction you go. If you begin seeing others, you may feel guilt, if you don't, you may feel resentful.
Whatever you do, go knowing you're trying to make yourself happy too, and that things do change. People like to think that love lasts forever and that we ought to hold fast to promises regardless of how unhappy it makes us. Living isn't easy, and choices can be very complicated and complex.
Whatever choice you make, find peace. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 1:59:31 PM | OP
Having walked in your shoes in a similar situation, I will tell you that you are not scum. Where you are is a process.
The reality is that the person you loved for 23 years isn't there anymore, 5 strokes creates a severe amount of brain damage, she doesn't know you most of the time and she doesn't talk anymore and she sleeps 18 to 20 hours a day, that's the truth of your your life right now and I know that you've done everything you could to try and change it, you've been her caregiver for 5 years, someone who hasn't done that can't know how extremely hard that is to do mentaly, physically and emotionaly, you've gone through the ringer and you're exhausted.
What you've actually gone through is part of the grieving process and what you are left with now is guilt, she's not physically gone but mentaly and emotionaly she's been gone a long time, you love her , you may even still be in love with her, but it's like being in love with sleeping beauty, it's not a tangible love, you feel guilty because you are living and she really isn't. That makes it so much harder on you, so ask yourself this question, would she want you to give up your lfe for hers? The answer is no, she wouldn't, she really loved you and she would want you to live.
Your job now is to make her as comfortable as possible and make her passing as easy as possible, that's all you can do for her now, that's you last gift to her. As long as you are doing those things then it's right for you to start to pick up your own life and go forward, everyone needs friendship, companionship and love, we're human that's how we're made, that's how we function.
Stop the guilt, it's o.k. to think of yourself, you're doing the best you can for her and you need to do what's best for you now too. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 2:32:38 PM | If her brain has been that compromised, the woman you married is dead. What's left over is just a shell that bears her appearance. Your duty to her continuance will be based upon your belief system.
I don't think you're under any obligation to keep from dating others. If it looks better on paper, divorce her with a clause that you will maintain her upkeep until her body passes. If her prognosis is as bad as you indicate, it may be better to just wait.
I'm sorry that this happened to you... but we all have to face this someday... unless we pass on before our loved ones do. At least you have the memories of the good times.
Start rebuilding your life. Yours is still intact to build upon. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 2:40:16 PM | | I agree with lilbit1125. Taking care of someone in that situation is physically and emotionally exhausting. If you don't have the love and support that you need in your life, it will be nearly impossible for you to maintain the strength to keep taking care of your wife. In my opinion, you should choose "Widow" as your marital status and tell the whole story as soon as possible (when serious communications begin). I don't believe that anyone who truly loves their spouse would want them to suffer alone, the way you are suffering. I think people are far too judgmental when they have not walked in the other person's shoes. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:07:06 PM | | OP: I think you taking care of your wife is a wonderful thing to do. I also beleive that if you choose to be with someone before she passes please be sure that she would want you to do so as for myself I would want my mate to go on and love again if I could not give that love to them any longer. I would hope that you would find a very caring person that would understand your situation and be there for the both of you until the end. GOOD LUCK TO YOU........GEORGIA GURL | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:07:48 PM | I am very sorry to hear about your wife. I am a physio therapy assistant and I work with stroke patients on a daily basis. Strokes are devestating events and can effect each individual so differently. I commend you for the dedication you have had thus far. It takes a strong person to be willing to take their loved ones home and care for them.
I'm not quite sure where you live so I'm not too sure what services are available to you. You are obviously burning out which is entirely normal for a person in your situation. My suggestion would be to either invest in some respite care (in order to give you a break from your day to day duties) or to consider placing her back in long term care. Not all care centres are the same. Do some research and go visit as many places as possible. Here, there are programs for younger adults who live in a long term care setting but recieve 2-3 days of maintenance therapy (mostly physiotherapy). If you find a good care centre, there will be activities that she can participate in that have been specifically designed for people in her condition, such as crafts, watching entertainment, outings, etc. Even though her memory has been effected, she might still enjoy being exposed to these sort of activities. I would also suggest contacting a social worker if it is available to you. There are social workers who specialize in helping people in your exact situation.
I think once you find a suitable place for her and feel settled, some of the guilt you are experiencing will be lifted. Think about the situation from the opposite perspective. If you had been the one to experience all these strokes and were in the same state that your wife is in, what would you want for her? I am certain that your wife would want you to be happy.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:13:54 PM | This thread reminds me of why, when and if I get married, I'm going to make it clear to my husband that if I'm ever in that type of situation (coma, terminally ill, etc.) that I want him to divorce me immediately and forget that I exist.
This kind of inner turmoil about what to do must eat a person alive. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:27:07 PM | I have read some of the other replies to your question.
First off, Until anyone has walked in your shoes, they don't have any idea what you have been or are going through, and will go through in the future.
You are NOT a scum. I too am in the basically the same situation. My husband has been in a nursing home for the past 7 years. So I do know what it's like. I was there. As long as she is being well looked after, then I think you have every right to carry on with your life. You did not say you were going to stop caring for her. An evening out can do wonders...and if you are honest and up front with the person you are seeing, then no one should get hurt.
You did not say whether or not you still had children living at home with you. I waited until all of my children were grown and had their own lives. It is you sitting home night after night..no one else. And it's only you that can decide when the time is right.
Wish you the best. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 11/26/2006 5:41:02 PM | Man, I don't know what I would do...
What I do know is, if that was me lying in a bed, I would not expect my wife to put her life on hold until I die...
I would want her to go live her life...
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 1:47:21 AM | | op- you need to face a sad realization and lose the wife. what you are doing is noble, but she is holding you back. get her in a good home and go have some fun. don't let her ruin your life. it isn't like she will even remember who she is pissed at. get a divorce and find a nice young thing to get your mind off of your old baggage. good luck | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 10:36:04 AM |
Some background first. Married happily for 23 years. August 2001 my wife had a major stroke followed by four more over the next four years. She is unable to care for herself and I am the primmary caregiver. She was in a home for about 2 months but these homes are like warehouses for people waiting to die and it was to hard to see her there. I took her home and with help will care for her here. The strokes took away most of her memory so she doesn't allways know who I am, she doesn't talk anymore except to answer questions sometimes. due to the brain injury she sleeps about 18 to 20 hours a day and her pronosis is poor and declining.
I have recently joined POF on a friends advice and have started dating.
My question is am I scum because I have started to see other women as friends or maybe more if things work out, or should I be alone until the end and then try to start a relationship.
You should be alone until the end.
Michael | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 10:37:10 AM |
If her brain has been that compromised, the woman you married is dead.
So people are defined by their BRAINS?
Michael | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 11:43:39 AM | This must be so difficult for you,but she invested all her life into you, and god forbid if reversed would you want, expect, your wife to care for you,this is so sad, i think you should make friends with with men and women,so you can rebuild your life in the future. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 12:23:50 PM | OP, firstly I have to say only you can decide what to do and whatever choice you make it will be the right one for you. My first thoughts were you married this woman and vowed "in sickness and in health" in my opinion if you love someone it doesn't stop because she is ill. However I can see others point too. I have worked with stroke patients and I know how physically and mentally draining it can be.
I can understand your desire for compnay and maybe physical love but I still feel that as you entered a partnership with your wife you should remain faithful for as long as is needed. This is just my opinion though. Maybe if you had interests outside the house and your wife then you would not feel so alone. You obviously do love your wife and I commend you for looking after her as it takes a lot to do. I do feel for you and like I said only you can decide what is best for you. Good luck whatever you decide. Thing to remember is you cannot and will not please everyone no matter what you decide. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/28/2007 7:34:42 PM |
So people are defined by their BRAINS?
Michael
Why, YES, actually they are!!!! It is the determining factor in whether there is a viable human being or just a shell. It determines if one is capable of thinking/behaving as an adult or a child, or none of the above. The part of this you do not grasp is? | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 12:34:27 AM | I can't answer for your wife, but if that happened to me, I would want my loved one to find happiness. As they say, life is too short. it isn't that you don't love her, and won't be there for her, so it seems a shame to spend years of your life denying yourself a chance to find someone who is capible of loving you back and of being able to interact with you in a meaningful way.
With or without vows, when you love someone, you should be there in sickness and health for them. But you can love them, honor them, respect them, without being with them. Never desert them, but don't put living on hold while waiting for someone to basically die. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 12:46:09 AM | What a difficult question - should you be disabled too?
If your wife was able to debate the question in a hypothetical manner, what would she tell you? Only you in your heart of hearts can answer this. . . . . and given the torment and guilt that is apparent in the question itself . . . . aren't you seeking absolution and acceptance for the fact that you've already begun searching for someone to share your pain and support you during this most difficult of times?
IF you could discuss this with her . . . . . what do you think she would say? If you know the answer to that - then you know what you should - or should not - be doing.
God bless you for not abandoning her. Don't assume she isn't aware of what's happening around her . . . . . .
May God give you both strength. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:08:49 AM | | Do what keeps you sane. no one who has not been in your shoes has the right to judge you. And if they do, tell them to go to hell. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:21:41 AM | i felt for the OP. that's a tough situation. i KNOW, however, i wouldnt date.
people go through this kinda thing every day. my grandpa did it and he didn't date while my grandma was dying. honestly, if he would have i would never have spoke to him again.
this doesn't mean i can't have sympathy for the OP.
the people here posting about how his sick wife is ruining his life and calling her baggage are wrong. they will and SHOULD remain single forever | |
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