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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 5:21:41 AM | i felt for the OP. that's a tough situation. i KNOW, however, i wouldnt date.
people go through this kinda thing every day. my grandpa did it and he didn't date while my grandma was dying. honestly, if he would have i would never have spoke to him again.
this doesn't mean i can't have sympathy for the OP.
the people here posting about how his sick wife is ruining his life and calling her baggage are wrong. they will and SHOULD remain single forever | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 9:13:59 AM | macbeth,
IMHO you do what you need to do to get through day to day life, I refuse to condem you for any action you may take.
My wife (of 17 years) is going to pass due to lupus, I know it as does she I love her more then i do anything else in the world, would I try to have any outside fling? No I wouldnt but thats me, as no one will every be able to replace her,(and as for those who want to flame me for being here p#ss off, I read the forums for entertainment while at work) however she would more then likely tell me to get a life,(shes like that) and I would say the same to her if it was me. I would rather be dead then take away from the qualitiy of her life, hence my living will, the choice has already been made. And from the attitude from some of these so called ladies I would rather do without that kind (no wonder they need help dating).
Everyone is entitled to there opinion and should be free to express it, but be adult enough to express the opinion constructively (promoting improvement or development
Best wishes for you and yours. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:06:40 PM | First, I am sorry that you are going thru this, but life has no guarantees.
And while my condition is not the same as your wife's:
I am disabled. For a while it was uncertain if I would live, but I finally found a doctor who knew what was wrong with me and now with treatment I can do most things I need to do by myself. I have been divorced for 5 years now. The reason I got a divorce - my ex moved a woman into the house with me and the kids. This happened 3 days after I had been in the hospital for 8 days and had surgery. After my divorce, I found out that this was NOT the first woman that he had been with. I had women coming out of the woodwork telling me things I really should have known about during my marriage, I would have ended it sooner. It has affected my children - they don't want me to be anywhere that they can't get to me.
I think you should think very long and hard and not just follow your friends advice about getting serious with another woman while your wife is still alive. While I understand everyone has needs, is giving into those needs may make you feel very, very guilty when your wife does finally pass. You are doing her a great service by taking care of her yourself. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 1:41:31 PM | You are not doing anything wrong. Your wife is already dead, because the being you care for is no longer able to experience and reflect upon experience.
It is completely acceptable to find other people to talk to, other women to build attachments to. You'll have your problems with them, sure, but the morality of what you're doing is not something that I, or many bioethicists, would dispute.
Move on with your life. You're a good person. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:08:09 PM | Who are we to judge? I'm sure most of us will never be in the same position as you are so it's very easy for us to say oh wait till your wife dies.
You have not abandoned your wife you are her full time carer, many people couldn't even do that. You should be proud of yourself and feel no guilt I'm sure your wife would want you to be happy. Life is short do what makes you happy. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:23:33 PM | You did not mention anything about this in your post so I am wondering if you have found and joined any caregiver groups? They can be hugely helpful in dealing with these sorts of issues. Here many do not know what you are going through is like - there they DO.
As one man said - "I do not want to be made to feel guilty for wanting some LIFE in my life - I deal with death every minute of every day." I suggest you find a group in your area and go regularly - it will put a smile back on your face whether you begin dating or not.
Best wishes to you. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:27:19 PM | That sounds tragic and I am sorry....
But let's approach it from a different perspective, say it was you who had the strokes, and it was your wife who was suffering day in and day out taking care of you - what would you want her to do...BE HAPPY!!!!!!
Would you ask her give up her life for you, or to move on and be happy...of course you'd want her to move on, that is what love is - selflessness putting the other above your own needs...
You are going above and beyond any vow or promise you made by doing what you are doing -it is nothing short of insanity to expect you to remain alone due to these types of circumstances, it would be different if she was able to speak and remember you or hug you when you were sad, give you affection or be able to please you sexually and vice versa...but this is the type of instance where this is closer to someone having died, yet cruelly the body remains remains...with death at least you move on with time, there is closure, for you, you do not have that, every day every moment is a tangible reminder that lives and breathes of what you had but no longer do...it's sad and very unfortunate, but the woman you loved is gone now, the body is not what made you love her it is the qualities, humour, the way she looked at you that let you know you were in love...and I hate to say it, but from what you are describing those moments are forever gone.
Please live your life the way you would want your wife too if the roles were reversed....
Again I am sorry. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:38:29 PM | im not going to pass judgement on you dude,
but if it was me and i was the one who was disabled i'd want my partner to go and find someone else
maybe its just me but i think id want someone to put me to sleep especially if i was in that state id want them to put me to sleep because the thought of me suffering like that would be too much to bare even if i didnt know it
i've already told people and left it in my will that if im in the same state as your wife or im paralised or crippled id want to be put to sleep
so my heart goes out to you Mac it really does | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:41:00 PM | does anyone even have the slightest concept of what marriage vows are and what they mean?
i would say, in polite circles, MOST people wait at least until the body is cold.
chances are anyone who stays alive and married into old age will have to deal with this. heart disease, cancer...these aren't quick killers
i'd like to think that the man i eventually end up with will have the balls, courage and respect to stick it out. i know i would | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:50:57 PM | Vows: to love and cherish, to love and to hold till death do you part....
I am not trying to be rude here but vows say....it love and hold
She is unable to love, she is unable to hold him, you can interpret sickness and in health if you'd like to, but it would be pure selfishness to ask someone to live their life for you when really your wife is already dead...MOST wait till the body is cold - becuase MOST people's spirits leave when the body dies...this poor man lives with a spirit that is gone but a body that continues to breathe.
Christ: old age is a different story - the've been married about 23 years - this man is probably in his mid 40's to early 50's - that is about 30 years shy of old age...I am 25 - I could not imagine living my entire life again under those circumstance. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 2:57:49 PM | then don't marry and ask someone to devote their life to you. don't ask them to bear your children, don't ask them to worry about mortgages, college tuitions or anything else with you.
the poor woman is not dead yet. marriage is a lifetime commitment.
how sh!tty would it be if the woman he claims to love, the woman he married gasped her last breath while he was taking in dinner and show with some woman who is a virtual stranger?
it's all in poor taste if you ask me. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:10:58 PM | Yo, y'all with the silly, soap-opera noses in the air,
OPie is GONE, g'bye, no longer here. I just hope he ignored you judgemental humps and took care of himself, the better to care for his poor wife.
Shame, after all, is a lie we tell to honor the dead and dig our own hole beside them.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:17:37 PM | | Easy answer, turn it around for yourself. If you had the stroke and limited capacity to understand things...and your wife went out dating hoping to party some while waiting for you to die off(so they can start over)..would it affect the care you get? The quality of your demise? The commitment to your happiness as a living creature? The time they spend with you since you are still human and capapble of feeling lonely... | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/30/2007 3:20:26 PM | I too am not passing judgement, but I feel it would be better for all parties involved if you waited until after she passed to try to begin a relationship.
This helps you not feel guilty and even though she has a disability it doesn't mean she doesn't know something isn't right. Plus this way the gal you are seeing won't feel guilty either.
This will also help family members of all three people view things better.
I say this because I know someone who is very close to me who was recently in that situation and it ended horribly for her. I would hate to see anyone else go through that kind of pain. | |
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| Disabled for life, should I be too?
Posted: 1/31/2007 5:00:45 AM | off topic....
I read the opinons of others and then sometimes wonder if some of these guys/gals are familiar with the word hypocrite? A lot of them are flaming this guy about VOWS, quoting till death do us part, sickness and health ect, and are taking the moral high ground, but low and behold look! There profiles state have children....hmmm so to me that means they either had kids and got a divorce(exempting widowers and such), or got pregnant out of wed lock... but these people want to take a moral high ground? Talk about throwing stones in a glass house.... ok done venting.
mac good luck, I wish you well | |
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