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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/5/2008 1:53:46 AM | | You live on for them. My Mom passed away to breast cancer almost 2 years ago. I go to my Dad's and work in the garden. We go to the same nursery that my mom went to and talk about her with the staff etc. It really hurts at first but the pain becomes less and less. You always remember and love the person that you lost and keep the memory of them going. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:26:19 AM | I've had so many tragedies I dont want to count them. The way I got over it, is my faith in God, the love of friends and family, and time.
To be honest you never truly get over it, but you learn to cope and deal with it. It's obviously still raw but you will be fine in time. Good luck and sorry for your loss. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:06:45 AM | One night I tucked my middle daughter in bed. She wasn't feeling well and our family doctor had told me she'd be fine. About 6 hours later I found her dead. That same afternoon I was holding my father's hand when he died. My daughter and my father shared the same birthday: Valentine's Day. They died one week after their birthday. My daughter had just turned 22 and had gotten engaged. She was going to give me 6 more grandkids. She died a virgin.
My ex and I never spoke about her death once. He just abandoned me and disappeared. Wouldn't go with me to say goodbye to her at the funeral home and didn't bother to show up when she and my father were buried together. My own mother has never even hugged me or attempted to comfort me. Because of these things I don't think I've ever properly grieved. I've had to be strong. No one understands that I need for someone else to be strong just for a little while, so I can let go. Since that isn't likely to happen, I'll just continue on my own.
The only thing that keeps me going right now is the fact that I have something that no one else can ever share and no one can ever take away from me. Her last words. When I tucked her in bed that night, she said, "I love you, Mommy." She never woke up.
I'm hoping that time really does heal all wounds. It hasn't worked yet. I just keep living one day at a time. I try to stay busy and I cry in solitude. I put on my "being strong" skin when anyone is around. If they only knew what happens when I'm alone. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:14:57 AM | | I don't believe that "time heals all wounds". It may soften them eventually, but so will a bottle of Jim Beam. Seriously, grief and loss support groups might help. I have had some devastating losses and it still hurts, you learn to treasure the memories and even dedicate some joyful times to those you've lost. I am sorry your hurting, I know that there really aren't any words that will take away your pain, and you probably have already found that alot of people will almost avoid you during your struggle, it's not from lack of caring, they just don't know how to help you. That's where the support group could be really valuable for you. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:29:52 PM | | My brother died on April 10th he was my best friend.I try to remember the good times. He was a happy man. I miss him. He was killed on accident instantly by his lifelong family friend. He was a passager in his friends car. His friend cut off another car during a turn and got sideswiped. The friend walked out with scratchs. | |
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wmray
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Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 181 | |
| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/19/2008 5:39:10 PM | Start smiling for your loved one! Cry for yourself and the ones left behind....but
laugh out loud that your loved one has gone on to a better place!!!!!!!!!! I'm not
into organized religion at all-- but I'm very spiritual. My best friend/lover/mentor
died in 2004 and I was heartsick for a solid year. I had what people call a "Spiritual
Awakening" and it saved me. I was shown that my friend is in the most fabulous place and he is waiting on me to join him. I've got LOT'S of living left to do here on Earth
but I'm also ready to go join that Big Party. What I was shown was.....euphoric (sp?).
Better than any high, better than the best mood, better than sex, better than seeing
your babies born. Your loved one is ALRIGHT. I hope this helps you. This experience is helping me again......my "second biggest love" passed away on 6/7 and
my Spiritual Awakening is helping me through it again. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 2:51:39 PM | I think that no only do people deal with loss thru death differently but that the circumstances of the passing factor into our how we cope. For example, my father was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer and estimated to have 6 weeks to live. With the help of hospice we cared for him at home until he passed. That helped to prepare us and watching someone waste away like that will give you a sense of peace when they've passed on.
Recently my ex-husband died unexpectedly in an auto accident. We still were quite close and spoke on the phone nearly every day. Losing him was quite devastating to me. I thank God he was in recovery from drug addiction so we had had many good talks, otherwise I probably would have been consumed by guilt over the divorce despite know I did what was best for my family... pretty much the only choice his substance abuse left me. And I had been in counseling where I had sort of prepared myself for his death while he was still abusing drugs, but him dying after getting clean really threw me for a loop.
Part of my comfort and healing has been in fulfilling the expectations he had for the disposition of his remains which he had made known to me numerous times. I threw my energy and time into the kids and his mom. Part of our bond was music and I've spent a lot of time listening to music and making contacts/arrangements to add recordings to and remaster his demo album. I've put together a photo album/scrap book. I got a tribute tattoo. I still talk to him sometimes and think of him more than once a day every day.
I don't try to stop the tears. They're cleansing, and I cry as many happy ones (when I touch upon a good memory or witness something I wish I could have or expected to be able to share with him) as I have sad ones. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:09:45 PM | Denial ~ refusing to accept what is going to happen, refusing to accept what has already
taken place.
Anger ~ such as: sadness, panic, hurt, loneliness - can be another expression of our love
Bargaining ~ "what if statements", " If only statements", ( after which we realize our loved
one is really gone!)
Depression ~Empty feelings, intense sadness, feeling helpless
( depression is not a sign of mental illness, but of great loss.)
withdrawing from life, feeling as if you were left in a fog.
Acceptance ~ It's not about liking the situation, but is about acknowledging all that has been lost and learning to live with that loss. Learning to deal with the absence of that person.
Allow yourself time to heal, and know that you can heal. Whether the loss is due to death, rejection, or other reasons. It is normal to grieve over a loss of a love for any reason. It can sometimes take years for a couple whose relationship has broken up to begin to put their lives back together again. It sometimes takes five years for individuals and families to get over the emotional pain and trauma. Many people can have serious health and emotional problems during this time.
Beautiful song by: Michael Kisur
I'll Take Your Love With Me
I’ll take your love with me
Everything’s okay, it’s alright
And when you go to sleep
See me on my way
I’m alright
Oh, please remember these
Words I say to you
It’s a far better place
I’m going to
I’ll take your smile with me
Everything’s okay, it’s alright
And when you think of me
See me laugh and play
I’m alright
Oh, please remember these
Words I say to you
It’s a far better place
I’m going to
I’ll take your love with me
Everything’s okay, it’s alright
Alright
I have worked with hospice patients along time. I hope that some of this will help you.
God Bless | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:26:20 PM | I don't usually post but this is dear to my heart. My husband died two years ago on our anniversary...........exact same minute we we were married. One minute his son was bringing me flowers his dad had asked him to get me, and the next minute he was gone. His last words were, " no, no, I can't leave my baby, I can't let another man have my baby" Then he closed his eyes and was gone. He was a very christian man and loved the Lord with all his heart, so I know where he is...................but the pain is sometimes so unbearable. It took me 17 months to even consider dating. First one was nice enough, but no chemistry, and we are still friends...........then I met a truck driver online. He said all the right things, sent little roses and kisses ( which reminded me of how my husband was).
Even after twenty years, my husband would still send little cards from his job, just to tell me how much he loved me and that I was on his mind. I would wake up in the morning to a flower and a I love you note. He would post notes on the mirror saying " looking back at you is the world's most beautiful woman. My husband was such a romantic, had all the little boy cahrm but even if he had not been my husband, I would have still always thought he was one of the finest men to ever walk this earth.
I talked to the truck driver on the phone for months before I actually got to meet him, because he always claimed to be in another State.. Such a totally different person
than the one I thought I was going to meet.
I was however emotionally involved with him, because I was so vulnerable. It took another three months of being taken on a roller coaster ride emotionally and all the lies I let him think I was stupid enough to believe, because I didn't want the conflict,,,,,,I also felt so guilty that I had went from a man like my husband to having feelings for someone like him. I had a lot of fights with " myself". I finally woke up one morning and realized I needed to just accept the fact that I had made a big mistake. As the old saying goes... you can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear. He'll always be just what he is, but I have nothing to feel guilty about. Sometimes people take your kindness for weakness.
I guarantee you that anyone like you that has lost the love of their life is not weak.
Allow yourself to grieve. Seek out friends that do not become impatient with you talking about your loss, even if you become repetitive.
Cry, cry, talk to your loved one as if they can hear you and tell them of your pain. Release your love. Don't try to cut them out of your life..............but don't dwell on the past. Time is different for evveryone, but one day you will realized you spent hours without tears, the days, then several days.
I didn't sleep longer than two three hours at a time for the first 6-8 months. I was exhausted !! Everyone kept pushing me to get out and do things, but the loss of a loved one makes you feel soooo alone in a crowd. I went over and over pictures, soon the tears became laughter of the time we spent together. I gradually made the house mine, instead of ours, and only keep a few things around to keep his input. I still have a picture of him at my desk, and at my bedstand. More than anything, those give me strength. I look at them and ask myself, if he we would ever treat me the way I allow whoever I am talking to at the time. If the answer is no, I move on. I am not looking for another him. He was my soulmate which I KNOW that probably 99% of the population never experience that kind of love. Am I looking for someone like him,,,,,,,,no, but I refuse to be treated badly again.
Because you are a widow or widower, there are lots of people out there that will find you easy prey. Be very careful...........don't allow it to make you bitter.
After the truck driver I questioned myself on my worth, my looks, everything. I finally sat down and wrote my good points, my bad, and I LIKE ME!!!!!
If you ever need anyone to talk to , let me know. | |
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Dia623
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Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 185 | |
| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 3:37:07 PM | OMG.....I am so sorry for what you are feeling...do something the persons memory....it DOES help. BUT I am sorry to say only time will heal your broken heart. Try to always talk to people ...be with people and remember that it WILL be ok...
GOD BLESS...
-Deanna  | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:11:03 PM | | I know how your feeling...My older brother died back in 2003. He was shot 5 times, all because some guys wanted his car. He was like my best friend. We always did everything together. 2 weeks before he died, he gave me a car for my birthday. He was 33 when he was killed, 7 yrs older than me. It took me a while to get over it, especially considering I was the one that had to identify his body and then tell the rest of my family. Its always going to cross your mind. Eventually, you just start of the good things that happened when you guys were together. It heals somewhat, but it never completly goes away. I always wonder what if I had waited to leave my house just another 30 minutes....I would have gotten his phone call instead of missing it cause he wanted me to meet him in the city. When he saw I wasnt home, he went somewhere else. He would probably still be alive right now, instead of being killed 10 minutes after calling my house. But, I did start to realize that Im not at fault. That it happened and it was something I couldnt control. I hope your not feeling this, because its not anyones fault. Its just a part of life unfortunently. I hope u will heal soon. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/20/2008 4:29:14 PM | | Carry your loved one with you wherever you go and remember memories are everlasting. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/21/2008 11:04:14 AM | I lost the love of my life, my best friend and what I call my dirt buddy back in 2000. Little did I know that my whole life would become upside down, I left my job that I had for 10 years, I resigned my military commission which I had since 1977. I didnt know what to do anymoreI was very depressed and although everybody gave me advice nobody can stop the pain I feel, I moved to Jacksonville because one of the places that I feel comfort is the Naval Base.I m not as depressed as I used to be, I have a good job and I entered this site to meet someone really special that can understand a situation like mine. I am so used to being a "tough macho" type of guy and the work I did requred that I stay almost emotionless, because we traveled so much and didnt spend alot of time in one location. I met my wife when I was 30 and she was 25, I felt that I was ready and I was a active reservist and only traveled that stayed in Fl area. she was very different from many of the women that I had met at that time. To begin with she was a dwarf her height was 4'7", she was a computer programer and later a systems specialist.We became really good friends and she taught me how not to stress things that I have no control over, we talked about everything and traveled alot. Now Im ready to date and I wonder, can someone else appreciate a man that is faithful, loving? | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:09:07 PM | I can relate to some of you.
Someone I loved dearly once... had committed suicide. After 2 years of me being with someone else he gave up..his way out was permant.Leaving his young son behind. It was done on new years eve. A day that I have some bad history on already.It was slowly easing. Now after this it never will.I blamed myself for a long time for that did I make the right choices.I know It was his choice to do what he did.But I'm the one who has to live with it.At his funeral I was abused a lot.His family spat on me,his mother slapped me.his friends ignored me I drove 5 hours to get there.How I got home I will never know. I got lost I was in a hell of a state took from 1-830 pm at night to get back home.I had a choice of two men I made it.I feel like I paid for that with his death. I had night mares for months.He was always calling and txting.We would talk for hours. It was my choice to move on.
I love my sweetheart dearly,but had a hell of a price to pay for that. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/21/2008 2:34:18 PM | Give yourself time to grieve............and then honor the life that they lived. My mother died of cancer when my children were babies, as my husband was an orphan and my father a narcissist they grew up without loving grandparents.
My son was killed at 16 when a dog ran in front of his car and in a flash I though I had no purpose in life. I grieved hard for one month and woke up one morning ,and even though I am Christian and all my tears were for me, as he was where we will all end up, I realized I was dishonoring what a bright, funny, spiritual human being my son was.
I picked myself up and for him moved on in my journey through this life. Did I stop crying? No here I am years later and a memory will bring tears to my eyes.........but its not the tears that devastate my soul, its tears that lift it up.
When my husband passed I had 13 months to prepare and as someone said.....it is different..........he had lived a life into adulthood and did most of the things he desired to do. He passed at home surrounded by all his family and he had a peaceful passing.
The best thing you can do to honor a loved one thats passed is to live the best life that you can, and trust that someday you will see them again...................
PEACE AND BLESSINGS To all who have felt the loss of a loved one..............know that you are not alone......... | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/21/2008 3:02:10 PM | I lost my husband- as said you never really get over a death- just learn to live with it and try and fill your life with things to do and hopefully other things will fulfill your life in lots of different ways : its only when you read a thread like this that makes you realize the sorrow ( Joy too in the life of the lost one) born by so many people.
Many many happy memories.  | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/21/2008 8:20:28 PM | Losing my husband to cancer some 16 mos ago was the most difficult thing in my life I had to endure. His death made me realize the unpredictability of life and how in just an instant so much can change. I wish I could put it eloquently as others have here about never forgetting those who are no longer here.
I will always love my husband, his spirit will live on through our two beautiful daughters. There is always a place in my heart for him, but I know that he would not want me to spend the remainder of my life mourning his death, but rather live and enjoy all that is around me.
There are many lessons I have learned, and still continue to learn because of his death, once being to let go of the "pettiness" of those things in your life that wear you down, they are not worth it. I've learned to stand on my own two feet, even though there are days I don't know how I can make it. I've learned that aside from my faults, I am a strong woman and I can endure. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/22/2008 11:03:42 AM | Oh Honey...OP I know that this has got to be the roughest time in your life right now...I lost my brother in 95,and my grandmother in the same year..it is sooo tough,I would go get the family album & cry..crying is good,and it is healing...and like they say "Time heals all wounds"...it may take some time,but it will...the tears will stop on their own,one morning you will wake up,and actually hear the birds singing,and see the sun shining!!! As for coping,you will be surprised at how strong you really are inside...When my brother passed away..I was kind of the family command center so to speak...I just did what had to be done,then I would cry later...and you do...you may do so for weeks or even months..then they will slow down...surround yourself with family & friends...believe it or not..they an be of greaty comfort to you...if you are up to it,take the pictures & look at them,perhaps tell a funny storywill know,and your loved ones will know when you need to be alone..You are my prayers OP,and I am here if you would like to talk!!
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/22/2008 12:48:09 PM | Good to talk- yes it is!!
I have my 2 sons 18 and 21- Im nowt special- their dad died in dec 2003 at 47 - they miss him too- many people feature on the spouses - but what about the children- my eldest- nearly 21 wants to engage in money stuff- just looking after me, - as i know im still on a spiral of daftness.
Death affects us all- and has a way of making you look at things differently- no one I ever knew well died till i was at least 40+ apart from older grandparents- Im lucky really- gives me a chance to be respective etc.
Get in touch anyone that wants to xxx | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/23/2008 9:15:35 PM | The angels came for my Sue on Christmas Eve. We'd be together for 21 years. With the exception of a few close friends of hers who I knew would want to say goodbye (before they took her off life support) I didn't say anything to anybody until the evening of the 26th. I didn't want to ruin Christmas for my friends.
The first few weeks were surreal - like living in a nightmare. You feel like running ... panic-like ... but know that won't work. Sleep is no refuge. You wake up from feeling that emotional demolition to being awake and feeling the same. Friends are there on and off. My dog was always there for me and even knew - sometimes before I did - when that black wave was going to smack me again.
I researched "LOSS" and read about where I was and the journey ahead. In a weird logical way it made sense. It did NOT diminish the pain. I've lost parents, friends and nothing - NOTHING - comes close to losing your BEST friend, lover, wife. People who divorce try and convince you that it's the same. Not even remotely close.
One thing I did get into was a site called WIDOWNET.com . They changed a lot since I left but one thing I did notice was the attitude of posters in the various "rooms." They had rooms for last night to 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and longer as well as various other support rooms and links to sites. What I noticed was a very marked improvement in attitudes between the the time frame posts. The "recent" to 1 year was just agony and hopelessness. Many of the posters gave their circumstances and what that showed was that for every time we felt bad for ourselves - for OUR loss - there was always a few who made our story / loss look like losing a pet goldfish. I remember wondering how the hell I could go on at one point and I started talking to some lady in Mich or Minn and she told me that she had lost her husband (of 26 yrs) and their THREE sons at the same time to a traffic accident. You learn in places like that that pain CAN be comparative. HOW she remained sane is beyond me. If it was what I was feeling times four ... I think I would have exploded but SHE was surviving and slowly returning to normalcy. Amazing what the human spirit can do sometimes, isn't it?
I am 8 years into this. I have moments still where I am stunned by the degree and intensity of the pain still when it comes back. Slowly you get a grip on the pain. If it pops up unexpectedly it can "get out" still but most of the time you push it down and wait until you're alone before dealing with it. It comes less frequently but it still comes some lonely nights and it can still suck the breath out of me. Just know that it DOES get better. It takes time. Accept that the healing will take awhile. Don't jump into another relationship just to keep from being sad and alone. That's a recipe for disaster. Become strong yourself and strive for the happiness you had when s/he was with you and THAT , hopefully, will attract another love in your life.
It is a helluva a trip though so anybody who tells you to "get over it" or, like some grief councilors tell you that it's "OK" to be sad (like you need permission?) just accept that they don't have a clue what they're talking about and they likely graduated from some community college course on grief management. THOSE kinds of survival skills come from having disaster rammed down your throat NOT from a study guide.
Oh another thing .... helped me ... write stuff down. Post stuff and have others share. It DOES help - you and the others. It feels like every time YOUR story is told it reduces the pain just a bit.
G'luck and never forget your pain also represents all the feelings you had for that person. It DEFINES your relationship so, much as it hurts, also wallow in those memories. Hold them close to your soul always and whether you believe or not you WILL be with them again one day.
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:16:23 PM | You remind yourself that they are in a better place.....and you will see them again some day!
Surround yourself with loved ones. People who are going through or have gone through it. Talk about it. At first its really hard....but the more you talk the easier to gets. Share stories....because through those stories, your loved one will always be with you. They live on through you.
Losing my dad and husband months apart was very hard. When my husband died, I started a journal. Not really a journal to record my thoughts and all that good stuff. But a journal to tell my husband everything I wanted to tell him. I shared my life with him throughout our marriage....and I wasnt ready to stop sharing it when he died. So I did so through that journal. As time passed, I wrote less often...and then it got to where I wasnt writing at all.
It will always hurt. But the pain dulls a little over time. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:33:50 PM | They say time heals - in a way it does. Its not the time that heal, it is in time you learn to deal with the loss better, most people never get over the loss of a partner they just carry on without the person in their life.
You know you are getting over the shock, when one day you hear their laughter, it will be clear and you know its them, not saying you wont cry but you accept they are not here but the memories are and always will be.
Best thing for shock is get a picture, look at it and put it away and only get it out when you want to see that person, put flowers near it on their birthday, but it is important to put it away again - part of the healing process. Shock, Grief, Anger, Acceptance.
But most of all be kind to yourself, visit your friends, invite friends round, keep contact with his family and yours, don't stop being you. | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/23/2008 11:36:35 PM | | I know what you are going through.I had lost a son when he was 29 to a terrible diease that took his life.It does get easy as the days go by.But you will always have the tears in your eyes for the them.And yes i do think about my son on a daily basics..He was a huge part of my life..And its not easy losing a loved one to death.But time will help you heal.Believe me.And i am so sorry for your lose.And you have to be strong | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/24/2008 2:52:46 PM | I've posted in this forum in the past....and I just want to say to all of you that have posted on page 8 that lost their loved ones....believe there is a God and all your pain and suffering over the loss of the ones dear to your heart will subside!
I'm not preaching but believing that your loved ones ARE in a better place can be very comforting....if it wasn't for my faith in God I would have NEVER survived the death of my son!!!
And another note....I often thought "my" situation was the "worst" and then I read some of the other stories posted here and I had to thank God....that mine was as bearable as it was....ALL OF YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS ~ GOD BLESS AND LOVE YOU ALL...FOR WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH
~Pour | |
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| Losing a loved one to death
Posted: 6/24/2008 3:09:10 PM | | I had the wonderful fortune of meeting a great guy on this site,I thanked God for letting me meet such a wonderful man.He had lost a lot of weight,ate healthy,exercisied everynight at the gym.He died of a heartattack in May.I miss his laugh,I miss his wit-I miss him.He was only 47. | |
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