| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/25/2006 3:57:25 AM | | Well Lipstick...don't know which guys you were talking to...but slow to me is time to get to know a woman....doesn't mean I want sex right there and now....if if comes to tjhat I would rather see it was arrived mutually...but I must concurr with you.. guys want it now and that's all that is in their intentions...sad really. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/25/2006 1:34:01 PM | Hi again lipstick1961,
I can't talk for all men but if you get a minute go look at the post in over 45 "Men have you learned anything about todays women?" and read what I wrote in there. It will at least let you know what wave I'm trying to be on, but as for this post I started because I have rushed into relationships and I really wanted to learn from other people the best way to treat someone when you are trying to get to know them. Answer to the sex part, Unfortunatly so many men think sex has to come within the first few meetings. What they don't seem to get is if you want something to last then you need to cherish what is there and give it the respect that is warrented. I for one put sex at the bottom of the list to those I'm interested in because sex seems to confused your feelings if it happens to fast so slow is good. and thank you for bringing that up.   Sonny | |
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RBM
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Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 53 | |
| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/26/2006 3:39:45 AM | This is an excellent topic. And the point about being 50+ is well taken.
At this stage of my life, I'm not willing to take 6 months or a year or more "getting to know her" just so that she says at the end "You're terrific and I love you like a brother!"
Uh-uh! I'll never get that time back.
I'm not saying to rush into anything, but instead I expect a potential mate to be very clear on what works and doesn't work for both of us. If it appears early on that there's no match, then I won't try to force things.
Time is irreplaceable. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/26/2006 5:54:26 AM | Nice answer RBM
You know out of all the peoples responses you are the 1st one to bring up the point that at 50+ your life can take a turn for the worse without much warning so how much time and at very least having a pretty solid idea on what level of friendship your are both trying to reach. A very important question I have with this is how much time is needed to base that desission because we all need friends as well and how much time is worth spending on just a friendship. My thoughts to this is each needs to judge themself by there own needs, as for myself, my health isn't the greatest but what ever time I have left in life I would like to know it wasn't wasted. "To meet and make friends is worth far more than to meet and have no friends at all" so for myself as much as I want to be in a relationship I also want to be content to know that I was a good person and a great friend for friends are love but again everybody has there own scale to weigh this.
At this stage of my life, I'm not willing to take 6 months or a year or more "getting to know her" just so that she says at the end "You're terrific and I love you like a brother!"
Terry | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/27/2006 6:36:07 AM | As I tell my kids, "Whats the hurry?, ENJOY the journey with each other" when BOTH are ready, you'll KNOW!!!!!! | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 4/27/2006 7:38:08 AM | first meeting, public mtng, a couple of drinks, listen to some tunes a little background on each other, Guy:can i call you again?
girl: sure that'd be great
second date: acts like a gentleman until we are out of the restaurant, "now that's out of the way, I know you wanna revenge f**k me!, shall we go back to my place or yours?"
that is NOT AT ALL a turn-on, way too fast......... | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/28/2006 3:08:41 PM | | If a woman wants to take it slow it means there is not enough physical attraction there. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:48:00 AM | Or she might be cautious.
I once had a LDR during which I was very conscious how little we really knew of each other, day-to-day. I took it slowly - I wanted to see him with his friends, to see who he was with people he wasn't trying to impress.
And I didn't really like what I saw. Plus which, I saw another side to him with me - when we were on our own, of course. Put-downs (which he obviously thought were acceptable), questioning my conversations with his friends, asking me to go and report back to him if I ever talked to one of them without him there... then wondering why this was a deal-breaker to a mature woman of 46. It must have worked on his last g/f I suppose. She stuck around for 5 years (LDR) - It took 3 months before I heard, "We'll keep the Red Flag flying" whenever I saw him...
Am I glad we didn't sleep together?
Yup.
Do I think it would have been enjoyable?
Nope. I am not into narcissistic control-freaks in or out of bed.
Will I try again with someone else?
Probably!
I'm beginning to bore myself on threads now, saying, "Everyone's different." But we are. I must have known deep down straight away that there was something wrong, and took my time to figure it out. Maybe with another man I wouldn't have waited so long. Perhaps there are people here who aren't as bothered about the interpersonal stuff, and that's fine too. We just all need to be aware of what we want and take responsibility for getting it. And for making others happy as we go...  | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/29/2006 1:34:42 AM | | Well as a female I would say that if I told a man to slow down it would either be because he was expecting too much on a first date...or I just didn't fancy him. If you find each other attractive and like each other then I would say at our age you should go for it! | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/23/2009 8:46:58 PM |
A woman tells you your going to fast and to slow down. At 50 years old I would think your already slowing down and running out of time. How do you define how fast is to fast and when your going at the right speed? Don't we all wish for the answer to that question.
Being more mature is not an excuse for taking things too fast because you are running out of time. My attitude is, I have the rest of my life to get where I am going so what is the hurry.
Each of us is different. You have to move at a pace that makes both of us comfortable, through all stages of relationship. Seems the biggest disaggreement between men and women is when to allow intimacy. There is no right and wrong answer. For me it was when I felt I was being heard about what I was looking for and what I would not tolerate. I wanted nothing to do with casual sex. Becoming intimate was an acknowledgement that he was not taking things casually, and that from what he could see "we" had potential worth exploring.
After five dates in five weeks, you can't know if a relationship will last. You should know however if it is doomed to fail. If you were incompatible you would not have survived five dates. You know if you have physical attraction by then. You know if you enjoy each other's company. You know if you feel comfortable with each other.
Most men are going to want to go faster, and most women are going to want to proceed slower. Hopefully we find a happy medium. When you jump into sex with someone all you can really commit to is a willingness to give it a try and see where it takes us. For some it becomes the beginning of the end. For others it becomes the start of something truly beautiful. If what brings you together is just sexual attraction it may start hot and fizzle out quickly. If you have built a foundation of friendship and trust, and you have physical attraction, you have a chance to build something together.
In answer to the question, "how slow is slow enough?" there is no right or wrong answer it is dependent on the people involved and what they seek. Each couple is unique. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:20:09 AM | | The person to ask about the appropriate speed is the person who is telling you to change it. The answer is going to be different for every individual. If you have to go slower than you would like, enjoy the journey .... | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/24/2009 6:13:46 AM | Sonny, we are going to be listening to this go slow crapola for the rest of our lives, especially in this venue. When you get to the very bottom line, someone who is telling you to go slow is really telling you to get lost.
Clearly, you value the time you have remaining on this planet. Now, consider what your life would be like trying to sooth someone with a comfort zone so small that it can't be detected even with an electron microscope. When someone gets into the habit of feeling dirty and used, then unfortunately there is nothing left of their soul to share with you.
Don't fight it. Just let it slip away. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:47:38 PM | How slow is slow enough?
When she starts ripping your clothes off in frustration when all you want to do is watch the Canucks beat the Oilers and drink your 6 pack. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/24/2009 11:09:38 PM | That is a good post "widows desire" . However I will make one comment.
We are meeting strangers on the net. We would tell our children, including our sons, to be careful and take it slow in such a situation. Yet I find lots of the men I meet on here wanting to meet me for coffee, find out my address or phone number, after just one or two quick emails within the POF system.
I will not meet a man from the net in person until i have
1) exchanged a few emails revealing some details of each others lives and goals
2) then talked on the phone several times so i can find out if this seems a trustworthy man who is not kookoo.
Because there are kookoos on the net, even older kookoos.
So when a woman or man seems to be taking it slow, breath a sigh of relief, this is probably someone with good sense. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:11:49 AM |
A woman tells you your going to fast and to slow down
If a woman tells me to slow down, I will. In fact she will be waiting for the next phone call forever. Life's too short for this kind of crap. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:05:01 AM |
A woman tells you your going to fast and to slow down
fast..?? slow..??
hurry.. wait.. O-K...
I don't care what speed my lil hunny bunny wants
as long as our final destination is mutual..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:06:02 AM | ...when by the time they send their second msg., to you...
saying...
"thank you for your interest"...
you read it and wonder to yourself...
"who the f^ck is this guy!" | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 11:10:56 AM | Mr. know it all "Good Ol' Majic", sometimes we ask to slow it down, when we feel smothered. It's not the pace we particularly want to slow down. When you have been out of a relationship for a long time, it is hard, just to dive in on a 24/7 basis right off the bat. We have to take that part slow, so we learn to breath again in the same room as you. We all have gotten use to ourselves and some must relearn to share again and that includes space, even our private space.
Let's all play nice now.
outdoorgirl | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:02:35 PM | If both people were going the same speed in the same lane, there wouldn't
be any need to "slow down".
You only slow down when you want to pass someone or pull over for a time out.
If I'm having to tell someone to "slow down", I obviously don't like what they
are doing and ultimately I'm thinking I don't like them.
I can't imagine telling someone I liked or wanted to be with that he was so
out of tune with what I wanted that he needed to "slow it down."
When it's right...you know it.
When it's not...it's time to move on and stop wasting someone else's time and your life. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:28:32 PM | I guess in some way I dont understand when someone thinks that going slower makes them more safe:
We are meeting strangers on the net. We would tell our children, including our sons, to be careful and take it slow in such a situation. Yet I find lots of the men I meet on here wanting to meet me for coffee, find out my address or phone number, after just one or two quick emails within the POF system.
I will not meet a man from the net in person until i have
1) exchanged a few emails revealing some details of each others lives and goals
2) then talked on the phone several times so i can find out if this seems a trustworthy man who is not kookoo.
Because there are kookoos on the net, even older kookoos.
So when a woman or man seems to be taking it slow, breath a sigh of relief, this is probably someone with good sense.
Most of the men that I have met that were kookoos would give you no clue until WAY after you had met them.
A man/woman who is out to do something to you that you dont want done knows ahead of time, they will play the time game better than you can, they know how to entice you , to draw you in and leave you hanging. They are called cons for a reason...you simply cant out slow them...they have nothing ventured and nothing to loose.
So when I met online someone who says slow I wonder what about me they feel they need to be slow about. I realize it is them being scared or not ready for a relationship and personally i dont have any interest in trying to convince someone I am right for them. Either I am or Im not. I also dont blame a man for feeling this way. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:46:23 AM |
A woman tells you your going to fast and to slow down. Simple and obvious answer for me. When I have said this to a man, it has meant that I am not sure about how I feel about him. It generally means he feels more strongly about me than I do about him, and I am not feeling reciprocal intensity. For me it has meant the relationship is not going to work because I just don't return his feelings. That's my experience, for what it's worth. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:22:24 AM | | I can see how my post might be misinterpreted. I do not, ever, keep someone hanging on that I don't care for. If I try to give something, someone, a chance, it is only for that, and it's always within a short length of time when I know it's not going to work. I don't enjoy being with someone for whom I don't have reciprocal feelings. So, saying it means it isn't going to work also means I would end it, not let it drag on. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:46:00 AM | I got divorced 4 years ago. I had been married for 26 years. My husband was not affectionate, so I decided my next husband wouldn't have that fault.
I jumped in with both feet and got swept away. He asked me to marry him after having dated barely 2 months.
I didn't know him. We were only married 2 years. Now $10,000 poorer and divorced again, I will be taking things very slowly this time. | |
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