| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:46:00 AM | I got divorced 4 years ago. I had been married for 26 years. My husband was not affectionate, so I decided my next husband wouldn't have that fault.
I jumped in with both feet and got swept away. He asked me to marry him after having dated barely 2 months.
I didn't know him. We were only married 2 years. Now $10,000 poorer and divorced again, I will be taking things very slowly this time. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:49:18 AM | If you know your destination and you are not looking for any other option...you don't feel you drive slow or fast...
You are happy all the way...
But for me...sex is not a destination...but a person. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:11:09 AM | I didn't have time to read all the other replies, so here's my 2 cents and sorry if it's repetitive.
"Too fast" means I don't know YOU well enough and you don't know ME either. The first is a matter of my safety, in both a broad and narrow sense (are you a psycho? one end of the "safety" spectrum. Are you trustworthy so I can know you won't cheat or lie, that I can trust my sexual healthy to you? Are you trustworthy enough for my heart?)
Now, about you not knowing ME. When a man(or woman) moves too fast, it says to me that he is so desperate for a relationship that the person I really, truly am is UNIMPORTANT to him. That is a total and complete turnoff. I don't care what the chemistry was; it will be gone in a heartbeat if I feel you are more interested in a warm female body than ME.
For me, trying to pressure me into a sexual relationship before I feel I know a guy well enough to trust him is too fast. (This is all hypothetical, of course; I'm not even dating yet!) STDs can be transmitted despite protection. Exchanging lab tests is no guarantee of continued sexual health, if a guy is a cheater. Yeah, I want to have sex again in my lifetime, but I know what level of risk I am comfortable with. Respect that, or move on--b/c if you pressure me, I won't trust you, and I'll be kicking you to the curb, anyway! | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 1:27:26 PM | | Don't people just intuitively/instinctively pick up on such things? | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 2:32:40 PM |
A woman tells you your going to fast and to slow down. At 50 years old I would think your already slowing down and running out of time. How do you define how fast is to fast and when your going at the right speed? Don't we all wish for the answer to that question.
I think it all depends on how I view her,,,
I have all the time in the world if a woman thinks the friendship is evolving too fast if I am truly pursuing her for something long term,,,
but,,,
if it's only to be a friends basis because she hasn't allowed me to see what I view as the real her and I can't tell how I feel towards her,,,
she might do well to date others as I will be doing the same,,, | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 2:35:45 PM |
Don't people just intuitively/instinctively pick up on such things?
I believe so if it's truly serious,,,
sometimes, the "moving too fast" speech comes when they aren't completely available for something serious, hence the hackneyed quip,,, | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 2:46:55 PM |
then ...
one usually finds out..
just ..
why..
they WERE on the curb...
I usually check the hind side for tire tracks or boot marks,,, | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:07:20 PM | "Slow down your movin to fast got to make the morin last just kicking down the cobblestones looking for love and feelin groovy. ba da da da da da da Feelin Groovy"
Thank you Simon and Garfunkel | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:46:53 PM |
I have all the time in the world if a woman thinks the friendship is evolving too fast if I am truly pursuing her for something long term,,,
This applies to more than just when to introduce intimacy into the relationship. It also applies to different levels of commitment for a couple. If you are truly looking at a partner as a long term relationship, or lifetime partner, there is no hurry to get to the next level of commitment. Take your time and enjoy the ride. If the other person is truly the right one for you, or a good fit, taking things slow will never hurt the relationship. If the other person is the wrong one, or a bad fit, the impatience of the slow pace will cause it all to fall apart.
This is just my humble opinion. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:32:59 PM | Well I hardly think I have to hurry just because of my age when I see people in their 90's getting married and having longer relationships than some of the younger crowd.
My personal belief is someone who talks on line frequently for more than a month or so and has no realistic plan how and in person public date can be arranged is just stringing you along for attention. When I say a date I do not mean inviteing them to my home or even getting in their car but at least laying eyes on each other and seeing if you get any kind of desire to proceed. If there isn't any natural chemistry you are flogging a dead horse. I have better things to do with my time.
If someone says you need to slow down they probably don't have the connection that any amount of time is going to give because you are getting different vibes. If you have given someone the information they need to know to see how you think and handle various situations is going to be eager to meet you and they are not feeling crowded unless you have said or done something to shoot yourself down.
That would not necessarily be true for long distance relationships but I think the chances for long distance relationships surviving are slim and none. People who talk across long distance are not that eager for a relationship or they are desperate and neither are a good sign.
If you truely are ready for a dateing relationship you set aside the time to talk to a lot of people and develope the relationships with the most viable people. If you think you are going to get a relationship after a year on line and a year or more dateing you are conning yourself. That person either does not know what they want or can't communicate that you are not it. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:33:55 PM | Actually, I had something like this happen to me recently. A man on here started talking to me (email)---he seemed nice, we talked back and forth a bit, then I gave him my number and he called. The first phone call lasted like 2 hours--he said he never talked on the phone like that before. (I have, but...) Anyway, we talked a few more times, set up a time to meet (was about a week and 1/2 away).
Then, he starts IM'ing me constantly with emoticons kissing, hugging, hearts, etc. Saying things like I hope you aren't going to go off and elope any time soon...you weren't online Saturday night--I hope you didn't have a date!!
He kept pushing for us to meet before the agreed upon day. He lives in the same town as my daughter (about 20 minutes away, in fact he knew where she lived and wanted to know when I was going to visit her)--he could meet me at her house!!!
It got so bad that I started going online as "invisible" just so I could check my email without him being able to see I was online. I didn't answer the phone a couple of times when I saw it was him because I just didn't want to talk ALL the time. When I missed going online ONE day, he started asking where I had been, what had I been doing? When I said I had just been hanging out, grocery shopping, doing some housework--he got really stupid, saying things like you couldn't have been hanging out at home--you aren't ever there, you shouldn't have house work to do since you're never home, etc.
That was it--I shouldn't have to explain where I was or what I was doing nor be pressured into meeting sooner than we had agreed upon (he would have only had to wait about 3 or 4 days anyway). I told him I wasn't going to meet him, I wasn't going to keep talking, he should have quit pushing and he shouldn't be so controlling. He wrote several several emails, called a few times--finally left me alone.
But, had he just acted normally not got so crazy and pushy, I would have met him and who knows?? The excessive calls, emails, already talking kisses, worrying I had abandoned him, or going out with other people--we hadn't even met, mind you--came across as rude, pushy, controlling, desperate and possible stalker!
It's a good idea to take things slow and easy, not get over enthusiastic--let a woman know you are interested, but going too fast and getting extremely emotionally involved before even meeting--doesn't do anything but push her away. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:45:30 PM | I think speed should be connected to your age. If you a 90 years old, you should be able to drive 90 miles an hour, because you don't have time to waste! The same thing applies to dating!  | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 9/27/2009 3:28:01 PM | What's the rush, darlin' ? Don't you want to email for a couple of years first?  | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 2:11:18 AM | Note to Sapphire eyes. You say you can't tell if a man is a kook until way after you have met him. How old are you? I don't mean to be nasty but take the lessons that we have learned (as women, mothers, career women) over many years and apply them. Look below at a post from Westlin about a man who would not stop calling her and butting in to her life.
She spotted a kook.
I recently talked to a man on the phone who told me he was a member of AA. that was fine. Phoned me the next night dead drunk. I am OLD enough and experienced enough to tell if someone is drunk on the phone. He was asked to never call or write me again.
There are so many ways to spot the kooks.
If he talks WAY too much about his 15 cats
If he is hockey, truck, hunting, job, ex-wife, children, guns obsessed, or any other male obsession issue AND assumes you will be also after just an email or two. (Obsession is fine guys, just don't expect us to go along with it)
If he tells you he is in love with you before he has even met you, or on the first date.
Just use your sense and you will root them out. I have been internet dating for about 7 years. With some success. (not wild success as here I am back doing it) I have met lots of kooks but have weeded them all out before the first face to face meeting.
All the men I have met face to face have been decent men who do not need to go on meds.
However, i am a business woman and have trained myself over the years to look at emails, and all approaches from someone selling something, with skepticism. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 5:28:22 AM |
If he tells you he is in love with you before he has even met you, or on the first date.
So I am a kook??????
I thought I just was really into women and morally weak........ | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 12:06:50 PM | | I.....................................tend................................to........................take...............................things.................slow.........................because..................I....................am.................................deliberate. | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 12:24:31 PM |
If he tells you he is in love with you before he has even met you, or on the first date.
But jeepers..
I'd never contact a complete stranger (woman) unless
I ALREADY WAS/am in love with her..
heck.. I aint no "player"..
I'm for real..
---SoldierByte--- | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:32:55 PM | sonnybono50 wrote 3.5 years ago:
How do you define how fast is to fast and when your going at the right speed?
When you're dancing to the same tune and the movement with each other is just about perfect.
TK
{Don't know about this slowing down thing; but I am taking longer to look} | |
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| How Slow Is Slow Enough.
Posted: 10/1/2009 4:44:15 PM |
How do you define how fast is to fast and when your going at the right speed?
Too fast, she tries to make me stop or tells me to stop,,,
the right speed, she gets a strange contorted look that resembles a smile, then starts to call me names, then begins to emit strange gutteral sounds that ,,,
oh, this is about relationships?
nevermind,,, | |
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