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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 4/29/2006 1:59:25 PM | > A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big
> "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota."
> Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
> tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
> His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After
> the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought
> something from you today?
> The kid says, "One".
> The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
> customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
> The kid says, "$101,237.65".
> The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?"
> The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
> him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
> new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
> down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the
> boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
> said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
> automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
> The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you
> sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
> The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his
> wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 4/29/2006 11:43:57 PM | Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES!? YES!? I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked,? "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 4/30/2006 12:47:43 AM | With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote The Hokey Pokey died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 4/30/2006 12:49:58 AM | A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They
found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they
got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the
breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there
was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only
survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had
ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening:
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of
romance.
Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them
as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a
walk?" | |
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BiteMe
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Joined: 1/27/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| Bad Jokes
Posted: 6/29/2006 8:19:55 AM | THIS ONE IS JUST FOR "SMOKEY"!!
Hunter, bears and sex
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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."
Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered.
Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 6/30/2006 5:06:04 PM | A man runs into a doctor's office and cries, "Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!"
The doctor says, "Good lord! How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, "Like a glove."
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 6/30/2006 6:53:08 PM | A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear?" | |
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BiteMe
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Joined: 1/27/2006
Msg: 33 | |
| Bad Jokes
Posted: 7/13/2006 8:58:17 AM | Multi Millionaires
A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."
His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbour for a million dollars."
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".
"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"
His dad told him, "There you go."
His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."
" Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 7/13/2006 7:36:08 PM | Anyone know the four rings of marriage?
The Promise ring
The Engagement ring
The Wedding ring
And the Suffering!
What dessert is known world wide to kill a woman's sex drive the fastest?
Wedding Cake.
A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I need a double dose of Viagra for the weekend!"
Doc says "I can't do that it wouldn't be right."
Guy says "But you have to doc, you see friday night my girlfriend is coming over for a visit. Saturday my ex-wife is coming to town and Sunday my wife is coming home... I'm going to really need it!"
Doc tells him he'll do it on the condition he promises to come back monday for a full work up to make sure there are no problems, he promises and leaves with his pills.
Monday morning the guy comes limping into his doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. Doc asks him what the hell happened.
"Well doc, its them damn women... none of them showed up!!!"
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/7/2006 1:45:44 PM | A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/7/2006 6:28:50 PM | Q: Who was Round John Virgin?
A: One of the twelve Opposums.
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in Heaven," came the reply.
Preacher: Does anyone know anyone who is perfect?
A little man in the back of the church raised his hand.
Preacher: Who do you know that is perfect?
Little man: My wife's first husband.
A famous actress was entertaining very special guests. After looking over all the appointments carefully, she put a note on the guest towels, "If you use these I will murder you." It was meant for her husband. In the excitement she forgot to remove the note. After the guests departed, the towels were discovered still in perfect order, as well as the note itself.
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/18/2006 9:20:39 PM | An eighty year old woman finishes her annual physical examination. Whereupon her doctor says, "You're in fine shape for your age, do you still have intercourse?" .. She says, "Just a minute I'll have to ask my husband." .. She goes out to the reception area and asks her husband, "Tom, do we have intercourse?" .. Tom answers impatiently, "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times we have BLUE CROSS!"
Q. What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A. Skeet!
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/18/2006 9:40:20 PM | Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then last year you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas. Marie got pregnant again!
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm takin' Marie with me..." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/18/2006 10:47:48 PM | Little Billy is out riding his new bike one spring day, when a cop on horseback stops him
"Is that a new bike?", the cop asks.
"Yes, it is. Santa brought it for me for Christmas.", Billy said.
The cop looks over the new bicycle, takes out his notepad, and hands Billy a ticket for 10.00.
"Whats this for?", Billy asked.
"Thats for not having any reflectors on that new bike. You better tell Santa he better be more careful when he's putting bicycles together.", said the cop.
Billy thought about it for a minute, then looked at the cop and said "Thats a real nice horse."
"Yes, it is, isn't it" said the cop.
"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked Billy.
"Why yes, he did." said the cop.
Without blinking an eye, Billy looked at the cop and said "Then you better tell Santa to be more careful when he's putting those horses together. The prick is supposed to be underneath the horse, not on top of it........" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/19/2006 4:16:30 PM | Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 8/19/2006 4:26:50 PM | One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra
money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in
the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick
out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed
that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he
immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to
personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised
her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way
to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in
thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the
three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him
and him
and him." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 4:17:21 PM | BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes sitting on a bench talking...and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is further away...Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says..."Hellooooooo, can you see Florida...???"
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CAR TROUBLE!
A blonde pushes her BMV into a gas station. She tells the mechanic "it died"! After he works on it for a few minutes...he says "it's idly smoothly". She says, "What's the trouble?" He replies, "Just crap in the carbuetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?!?" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 4:23:03 PM | Quickly now say the below:
I'm not a pheasant plucker's son I'm a plucking peasant son I'm only plucking pheasants till a pheasant plucker comes. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 4:25:24 PM | | A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 4:36:52 PM | An old Italian Mafia don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.
"You lissen-a-me. I wanna for you to take my chrome-plated revolver so you will always remember me." "But Grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shaddup an lissen. Somma day you gonna do business, you gonna have a beautiful, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come home and maybe fina home you wife in a bed with annuda man. Whadda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "Times up?" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 4:51:26 PM | Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
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There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her."
So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
"Great!" replied Bozo. "How much do I have to pay?" he asks.
"One thousand dollars for the food."
"But I haven't touched the food."
"It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
"But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!"
"It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
"But I slept on the floor!"
"It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
"You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey."
"But sir, I didn't screw your donkey."
"It was there. You should have!" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 5:44:18 PM | How can you tell when a woman is horny??
when you put your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse !!
yeah i know ewwww but it sure made me laugh | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/8/2006 10:33:34 PM | One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken little to her class. She came to the part of the story where chicken little tried to warn the farmer.
She read,..."and so chicken little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,"Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach the class for the next ten minutes.
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/9/2006 6:42:29 PM | Tongue Twister
Betty Butter had some butter, "but", she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter that would make my butter bitter." So she bought a bit of butter, better then her bitter butter, and she baked it in her butter, and the butter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Butter bought a bit of better butter.
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/9/2006 6:53:21 PM | Speaking of Bear jokes!
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...." | |
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