| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/21/2006 8:37:57 PM | There was a church down in Texas that had a "very" big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled! They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her ver discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, rub them on her breasts and perhaps they would shrink in size...but warned her to "not" cut any of the persimmons though as they were so sour...they would make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the Pulpit and said........
"Dew to thircumstantis bewond my contwol we will hafth no thermonn today." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:22:31 PM | Do you know why all the trees in Manitoba lean to the west?
Because Saskatchewan SUCKS!!! | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/23/2006 7:26:38 PM | Dang, it must have been colder on thursday morning than i thought it was. I saw a lawyer and he had his hands in his own pocket!
As i stood there i wondered why, if God created Adam in his own image and Eve was created in divine beauty... then where did all the ugly people come from??? | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/24/2006 12:26:44 AM | When Billy and his Grandpa entered a vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still a few fire flies followed them in. Noticing them before his Grandpa did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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Children's logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant, said a teacher. The small boy wrote: The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. "The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A grandmother was telling her little grandchildren what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We plucked wild raspberries in the woods.
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner." | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/24/2006 12:31:22 AM | | After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks, a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with storm warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three year old say with a trembling voice, "WHO WAS THAT!?!" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/25/2006 7:04:47 PM | When Women Drink Too Much
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE..."OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LIDS DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
SADLY MANY ARE TRUE! | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/27/2006 12:55:37 PM | Got this email today...had to share...
A middle-aged woman
seemed sheepish as she
visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor,
"you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell
me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that,"
the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I
went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a
plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked
down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went to the
bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were
nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went
again,
plink-plink-plink, and there were
dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've
got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored,
"I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting
hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be
scared about."
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Ready for this?)
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm warning you.....)
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Still not too late....delete
now!)
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" You 're simply going through the
change! | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/27/2006 3:02:19 PM | | Snow White is strolling along in the village square, she spots Pinocchio....makes a made dash straight for poor Pinocchio, pushes him down, sits on his face and yells lie to me, lie to me. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/29/2006 12:36:34 AM | A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exaperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to lookup numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the same number again, "Hello is Melvin there?" asked the father.
Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you there is no Melvin here! You've got a nerve calling here again!" The receiver was slammed hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/29/2006 8:21:52 AM | Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/29/2006 8:18:40 PM | If Cat Stevens married Doggy Dog, he'd be Cat Doggy Dog.
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A man and his ever nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusaleum.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000 or bury her here in the Holy Land for $150. The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/29/2006 8:30:27 PM | Joe gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my****" he said proudly.
"What the **** were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his****!"
"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:47:59 AM | Old is when..
Your sweetie says "let's go upstairs and make love." And you reply 'honey, I can't do both!"
your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and your bare foot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pace maker opens the garage door.
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse is going, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.
"getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
"getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
And an "All nighter" means you getting up to pee!" | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:57:16 AM | Check up
A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for awhile and says "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think your doing?"
She says "I just had my check-up and the the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping up and down again.
He says "Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old a$$?"
"Your name never came up." She replies. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:03:02 AM | Jacob and Anna, an Amish couple, were going down the road in their buggy. Anna, being an animal lover, sees a dead skunk beside the road and asks Jacob to stop. He replies, "there's nothing we can do to help now".
They continue down the road and see a baby skunk walking alone. Anna makes Jacob stop so she can help this poor baby who lost it's mother.
She picks up the little skunk and it's shivering from the cold. She tries to warm it by putting it inside her jacket but it doesn't help. She turns to Jacob and asks for advice. He replies "put the little skunk between your legs, it's always warm there".
Anna says well what about the smell? Jacob says "just pinch the little skunks nose shut".
LOL | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:10:55 AM | There's this guy named Coors who has two best friends, Smokey and Bigg Sexxy .... they're together all the time.
One night Coors tragically dies in a house fire. The coroner is having trouble identifying the body because of the burns so he asks his friends Smokey and Bigg to come and help.
Smokey goes in and looks but just can't identify him so he asks the coroner to turn him over. The coroner thinks this is an unusual request but does it anyway. Smokey takes one look at Coors' backside and says nope that's not him. The coroner asks how he knows this and Smokey says cuz Coors had 2 a$$holes.
Bigg Sexxy goes in and the same thing happens. The coroner then asks the two men how they know that he had 2 a$$holes. To which they both reply that anytime they went to town together everyone would comment ......... "Here comes Coors with them 2 a$$holes!"
j/k Smokey and Bigg | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:14:35 AM | Hey Sugarnspice.
This is the BAD joke thread. LOL. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:15:58 AM | Oops MKD, must have taken a left at Little Rock when I should have gone right.
Does that mean it made you laugh? | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:33:37 AM | sugar.....that was the greatest...I am still smiling.....wtg girl... | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:34:42 AM | katkats, thanks girl, I'll see if I can come up with another.
Edit: Coors, I'll see if I can come up with one for you to be the BUTT of. LOL | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:35:23 AM | | ROTFLMAO......... and when I first started reading it I thought I was gonna be the BUTT of that joke........................... | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:37:40 AM | | yeah funny how that worked out huh Coors??? | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 10:38:50 AM | | lmao.... its about time.............. | |
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 7:32:31 PM | For those who love to laugh "religiously"....
A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest meet at the town's annual picinic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious, "says the priest, teasing the rabbi.
You ought to try it. I know it's against your religion but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing! Tell me Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The Rabbi looks at the Priest with a big grin and says, "Oh, I'll gladly try it.....at your wedding!"
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| Bad Jokes
Posted: 9/30/2006 9:35:47 PM | Do you know why cat's always land on their feet?
People just don't know how to throw them properly!
Do you know how to make a cat sound like a dog?
Dip him in gasoline and throw a lit match at it... he'll go WOOF!
What do you do if a cat starts spitting at you?
Turn down the Grill!
What do you get when you cross an athiest with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone that rings your doorbell for no reason.
What is the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have no-one to call out to when you are having an orgasm!
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