| | Grief Page 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | Yeah I lost an Aunt to cancer last year. Her husband had predeceased her to the same disease. Two years ago around Xmas it was my favorite Uncle. And my father died when I was 17 to a workplace accident. A few years ago my own Mother said goodbye to her Mother and her Peoples participate in what is called a 'death feast' as part of their culture. But you are very right. Just contemplating our own mortality and valuing the time we have including time with spent with friends and loved ones enriches our experience. The Aunt who died last year left behind two foster kids who went their lives without a 'real' father and a foster dad who ultimately died at a critical stage of their development. So I now try to show him a few of lifes ropes and help him get a grip and handle on his life situation so that he can hopefully avoid some rough situations and pitfalls in life. One thing I tried to pass on is if hes early 20's now, in ten more years the time he is spending right now is going to seem very valuable. Not sure if gets through or not because certainly when I was in my twenties, no one ever slowed me down enough (to have me hear) that in ten years I would be looking back and clinging to memories for dear life. But thanks for your post. Certainly when people around us are no longer there for us, we often wonder about that postcard we forgot to send
or the hug we wish we could have extolled. Or perhaps even more than that. | |
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wkm
| | Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 27 | |
| Grief
Posted: 5/1/2006 11:19:45 PM | | Marshw: I think that is selfish in you. I hope you have never lost anyone close to you. In 2 yrs I lost a 17yr old son and my dear mother. It does take a toll on you and leaves you empty. It has taken several years to get back to where I should be in life. It causes short term memory loss, depression at times and takes years off your life. There are times you feel like you are in slow motion, you feel numb and detached and slowly as time goes by you do come out of the darkness and able to see the goodness we are all given. You appreciate the kindness other people give to you Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone you love. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 2:16:37 AM | The loss of a loved one can effect different people in different ways...when I lost my grandmother I went numb, to try to be there for all the others who were experiencing the loss of her too. It was 2 months later that I lost it...and I don't think it's selfish, it was seriously painful. There is much history with her and I, and to this day I miss her dearly, and in the same token I have many great memories of her in her last couple years. Sometimes it can just be really difficult to sort those feelings out....
But we aren't indestructable like we felt we were when we so naive...and I try to let everyone that means something to me know how I feel, how much I care and how I wouldn't be who I am without them in my life! A wasted moment is as like a wasted tear...no meaning whatsoever!
JUGGER: You are one of "those people", and you also do show your love...Peace and hugs!!!  | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 2:44:27 AM | | I dont share your views on this at all. Death is sad and it can rip your heart out initially but life is a cycle. We are all gonna loose people we love and one day die ourselves. There is nothing wrong with greiving - its a healthy and necessary process to move on. I just dont think people should be consumed with it. Why dwell on the someones death when you should be celebrating their life. I have lost, we all have lost, no amount of your tears is going to bring them back. Once you loose someone whom you havent shared your feelings with you will learn to be that much more prudent. Now having said that, I dont believe we should all be running around in a giant love fest incase we never see people again. There is a certain amount of faith we need to have in our relationships with others. | |
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allh2h
| | Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| Grief
Posted: 5/2/2006 3:35:33 AM | Jugger-you misunderstood sorry, he didnt die physically. But the loss of him in my life was a death to me. Do not know how esle to explain it, not the same as death, but has been devastating to say the least. If it had not been for this person in October 2004 I wouldn't have survived Garry's passing, Garry was my brother. Garry's birthday was April 29 and it was also his wedding anniversary, he would ahve been married 2 years. They had been together for almost 4 years (coulda been 3) but after my son was born she finally decided to marry him. It was an awesome wedding, I still have the brides maid bouquet from it. It sits in my front room in a vase on my entertainment center. I finally got some pics back from that big snow storm we had in decmeber 2003 and he is in them...it was nice to see his face again, I miss it. My sons first birthday, which was March 3 2005 I asked my sister in law if Garry could come, she brought his ashes to the party...that was pretty cool 
ANyways, I hae rambled long enough...knew it had been bothering me and couldn't understand why I picked to come in this thread to go on about my best friend walking away from me....gues it was my subconscious' way of reminding me "Lori...say Happy Birthday to Garry" so...
Here's to you big brother... God Bless and be at peace. We know you are not in any pain anymore. Do not reek to much havoc up there. Your wife is happy now again...she misses ya and would take ya back...but her and the kids are fine...Rick is taking good care of them. Miss ya and love ya, we are doing good, S is finally gone for good this time; I know, it is about time. Kaleb is growing like a weed and dam is he a handful...yes just like his momma! Love ya hun...
Thanx jugger...know I ran on but I needed that... | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 4:00:27 AM | | March 8th of the year was a year my mother 67 year old mother was brutally raped and left to bleed to death with her throat slit, she had a 87 year old room mate who she took care of, he was shot in the head as well. My mother was extremely abusive to me growing up, only time she ever opened her mouth was to tell me how sorry, ugly, worthless and fat I was, compound this with the sexual abuse I was enduring with my step dad, made it very easy for me to be granted a emancipation. I always tryed to keep some kind of relationship with her, but it was so hard to, she always belittled me and made me feel worthless and stupid. After I had my first son, she had treated him like I always hoped she would of treated me, but one day my son said something she didn't like, he was 3, She back handed him across the face and that was it for me. I made the hardest decision of my life. I had to walk away from her, she became just a memory to me. I had not seen nor heard from her in 5 years, then one day up out of the clear blue my intuition was acting up, it does that when something wrong, when something bad is going to happen or already has, I knew it was in regards to her. I made the decision to ingore it, I could not bring myself to expose such a painful part of my life I had left behind it was a decision I will forever regret. After recieving the news about what had happened, I was riddled with guilt, if only I would of reached out and contacted her, maybe some tiny little coarse of fate would of changed and she wouldn't of murdered like that, maybe just once I could of heard her say she loved me or she was sorry, so many maybes that I was devestated and it about broke me. I still don't know how I got through it, but somehow I did. So from that moment on, I made a decision to tell the ones I loved that I loved them, and that I appreshated them and that I would miss them in my life if they went away. Life can be ripped away in the blink of a eye and I don't want to ever have to live with any more things I wish I would of said to someone if I was to lose someone unexpected again. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 4:26:28 AM | | RAIN: Do you honestly think you could have prevented what lead to her death? Or might it have put you in harms way also and left your child on his own? Don't live with guilt, but know that at least you did try...sometimes we have to accept things for the way they happen/are. You can't change that, and shouldn't hold any of the blame. I do agree we should appreciate what we have, but at the same time we have to look out for the children in our lives and not put them in harms way. I think you did the right thing to begin with, and you did try. Hopefully he will only remember her as "gone"...not anything bad....toss away that guilt, it will only eat you up! | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 5:11:18 AM | Luna I'm sorry I hope you are getting tested regularly the gene doesn't fall far from the tree .
No it doesn't and yes I do. My doctor stays up my a$$ about this. When it first happened he sent me for a lung scan (not just an x-ray). So far so good.
Luna
rainkiss, what is wrong with people? I'm so sorry. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 5:48:37 AM | Rainkiss............your story has touched me deeply and what you have lived through and endured in your years is unfathomable. It is something that probably very few people can understand nor ever want to experience first hand. I pray that your life is solid now and that you have come to peace with the way things have went in your life and you no longer harbour guilt, because simply you have nothing to feel guilty of.
I can relate to the way that you were treated by your mother, as I had/have a very similar experience as well. She is alive but due to many betrayals we not longer speak and I wish it wasnt so but my attempts at reconciling have fallen on deaf ears. Yet, if she was to pass I know that I have tried and believe me I have already done the grieving process with her as if she is already dead. Sad when mothers and daughters cannot connect and share love with one another. Also sad when we must live our lives grieving a person who is alive and should be making memories and bonding with us. Yet, for now it is my path and I live it........hopefully one day the path will change, as of this moment I have no idea which way it will turn.
As far as others in my life who love and support me and do not judge me, they know they are loved by me and they hear it all the time!
Peace be with everyone and may we all be enveloped by the feelings shared with good friends and family. Live each moment as if it were your last.........
Luna.........glad you are free and clear..............may you always stay that way. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 8:31:07 AM | Thank you both for your words of encouragement and kindness, I have come to accept that things happened the way the was ment to, but in the beginning that was not so easy to accept. My oldest does not seem to remember much of her kindness but remembers that slap, funny how that is, my youngest son don't remember her at all. I truely believe some folks just are not ment to be parents.
Hope y'all are having a great day...B. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 9:33:17 AM | | When I saw your posting i wanted to say something I've been holding for a long time. When I was 30, i carried my first baby full term and he died 12 hours after birth from a terrible birth defect, no lungs. I carried that grief for many years, and it was a long and very humbling process to work through it. At his funeral, I prayed to my Nana, who had passed on fifteen years before that, that she would take him for me and care for him until I could. It was the only thing that got me through the first year I think It consumed me completely for the first part, about three months after I lost him I was walking down the stairs and suddenly lost all the strength in my legs and just sank down onto the stairs. In rapid succession I got very angry that he had left me here alone, then ten seconds later I thought, I don't want to die. It was only then that I figured out that up until that point I had wanted to die so I could be with him. The grief and the shock were overwhelming. I would look at new life, mares and their colts, other moms with their new babies and feel completely ripped off. That was 25 years ago and I've had three wonderful little babies after that. Time and my angels have comforted me now thank goodness. For those who say grief is a selfish emotion, sometimes its not something you have a conscious choice about. I hope everyone grieving has found some comfort too. | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 10:11:32 AM | | I lost my cousin to brain cancer yesterday morning. We were good friends... she was a true angel.. never said a bad word to anyone.. was always generous with the little her family had.. a devoted and loving wife.. a fantastic and proud mother.. a best friend.. and one of the few people that everyone instantly liked.. she was 43 years old.. bumped her head on the corner of her desk.. lost her motor skills that afternoon.. and found out that she had tumors on her brain all in one day.. 4 days after her first treatment she is gone.. life is very fragile.. GRIEF is for the living! She is in a better place, she isn't suffering or in pain.. but we selfishly want her here with us.. Everyone grieves in different ways.. some cry.. some get angry... some refuse to accept it... The one thing that noone can dispute is that DEATH IS FINAL. .. remember the good .. keep the memories close.. and love unconditionally..... | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 7:18:35 PM | You know I sit hear readin all of this and It's crazy how many have dealt with so much " lately " almost feels like some type of epidemic . A saying that passes from my home country of Finland translates to " Thanks for making it through another winter " and you are supposed to show thanks for making it through . statistically winter is the worst time for natural death and depression .
Rainskiss Wow that all just sounds crazy to me and i live across from Detroit !! . Hearing the news from there is definately comparible to your trauma . I hope you've come to understand that your mother for whatever reason seemed to live hard and die hard . I hope that doesn't seem brash but that's how I read it .
Peace everyone . | |
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Posted: 5/2/2006 11:29:36 PM | I don't think it's actually an epidemic, just that all that are responding can relate...people pass on every day!!! I remember you mentioned about the winters being that harsh in Finland.
I just believe that memories and good times can out do MOST of the pains. And concentrating on those can help heal many wounds....
WANNABE: Hugs and love...miss ya much!!! | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 7:50:09 AM | Katie, I was not sure I really wanted to make that post about my mother, I just don't really ever talk about it. But I want to say thank you to you and felanie, wannabe, and the others who have shared their stories to, its reassuring to know your not really alone thats how I get through alot of things. I remind myself that no matter how bad I think it might be at that moment, it could always be worse, and time is the only cure for pain. I can't even imagen being able to go on if I lost one of my kids. Grief is not a selfish emotion, its normal, natural emotion.
Juggernaut, this took place in very remote countryside deep in the south of alabama, in a very small town, places where drug dealers are lurking now, for meth labs and deep swamps to grow weed in, not so easy to spot with the helicopters that fly over head, and cops are only seen if called. Alot of those who live off kinda isolated, senior citizens mostly are falling prey to preditors, looking for cash they think that is horded away, something valuable to steal, or just so out of it that they don't even know why they are doing what they are doing.
There is not telling just how long it would of took for my moms crime to have been discovered cause it just so happen that night the closest neighbor she had, an widow who is 72, just happen to raise her window a bit for some fresh air, the wind was blowing in the right direction and she said she heard 3 gun shots, she knew there was no reason gun shots would be coming from my moms direction, they have been neighbors since 1979. 2 shots was the dogs, other shot was charlie. For the longest time all i could think of was "what was her last thoughts" I don't care what her sins was against me, no one deserves that. But really I have found peace with it and I know there is things I will never know and thats ok too. So I grieve when I need to, I pick up the pieces and I move on.
B. | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 8:25:01 AM | Juggernaut - Thanks for making this thread. I lost my Mom on June 2, 2005 to terminal melanoma cancer. My whole entire outlook on life has always been to show and tell my family and friends how much that I love them. She left this world knowing that and even though it was a very difficult time for me, I was content in that fact.
But, I have watched others, especially my Dad, change in their ways. He used to hold grudges and had a hard time forgiving and moving on. Now, he lives every day to the fullest and never forgets to tell anyone how much he cares and loves them.
Death is a very unfortunate thing for us all to experience but it does help to open up people's eyes to how fragile life is. God Bless. | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 10:06:01 AM | One thing I'm learning since losing my brother suddenly is that there are many kinds of grief, and it affects us in different ways. When my Nan, my Grandfather and favorite Uncle died, yes it hurt but they were each suffering from long-term diseases so their passing was a blessing. It was easy to pick up and move on compared to what I'm going through now. My brother died very suddenly from a brain aneurism. He was outside feeding the horses with his two oldest sons when he dropped dead. For the first month or so I spent all my time trying to be strong for everyone else, then a few weeks ago my world crashed and the full force of the grief hit me. The worst part of it it all is that I'm going through this pretty much alone.
I keep asking myself why him? He was a wonderful man, a fantastic father, and the kind of husband that we dream about. He had so much and he was so loved, why? Why didn't the Creator take me instead, after all I'm alone, no husband no children to grieve about me. Why hurt all these others when me leaving would have been a blip on the ole screen? It just doesn't make sense. The one thing I do know is that it hurt, I lost my best friend, my confidant, the only one in the family who truely made me feel like I belonged.
I tried to turn to my family and my mother pretty much told me to shut up. My father is so wrapped up in his own grief he pushes me away. My sister keeps reminding me that I've never been a sister to her and that she wishes I'd died instead of my brother because I never support her. So I'm in the process of setting up a separate support system to help me get through this. | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 10:17:49 AM | I have had to deal with grief on a level that I never thought possible.. .. when my son (19) died in a car accident last April.. .. I really didn't think there would be a day that my heart wasn't breaking.. .. I quickly learned that no matter how much grief I felt .. .. it wasn't going to bring him back.. .. and I had to accept the fact that he is gone...with the hopes that there is a better place that our souls go to .. . to rest and to be in peace.
He will always be alive to me.. .. in my heart and in my memories.. .. I talk to him and about him every single day.. .. I know he knew how loved he was.. .. and his loss has made me appreciate each day that I have on this earth.. .. it has also made me not afraid to die.. . as I will see him again.. .. I make sure I tell the ones near me how important they are to my life.. . .I've battled breast cancer and won.. .. I'm a survivor...and that is what I will continue to be.. .. if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger.. .. and today...I enjoy the smell of the roses that I will always stop to smell!!
Magor hugs to all that have felt grief over the loss of a loved one
~Pour | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 7:17:17 PM |
I'm a survivor...and that is what I will continue to be.. .. if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger.. .. and today...I enjoy the smell of the roses that I will always stop to smell!!
Pour that statement is so true all of it as I too am a survivor.
As for you son I'm sorry to hear about his passing. You say....
He will always be alive to me.. .. in my heart and in my memories
This is true as I stated before in this thread we must learn to celebrate and honour the ones we have lost and not forget to love the ones we have left. Even when they hurt us.
Again my sympathies as losing a child is always difficult on a parent I know how scared my Mom was as I came close.
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Posted: 5/3/2006 7:28:11 PM | I love that song by Garth Brooks...."If tomorrow never comes"
If only some people would pay close attention to that song. We are given one chance
to make a difference in this life, once the one you love is gone, it's too late.
No matter what you do, do it now,say how you feel, don't keep it inside. Sometimes
though I wonder what good it does, but then again, saying how you feel at least leaves
you feeling no regrets for not saying it!
Knight Rider! | |
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Posted: 5/3/2006 8:16:59 PM | Knight Rider,
I agree with you. "Do it now, say how you feel, don't keep it inside"
I think alot of people lose sight of the fact that death can happen at any time to anyone. Hard to do because human emotions come into play, but our goal should be to treat those around us as if it's our last moments with them. Too many times when someone dies there are regrets about what didn't get said, or about wrongs that were done to a person that were never apologized for....etc Unfortunately, some people feel it's ok to let some things go because there will be time later to mend fences. And I in some cases, it doesn't just leave you feeling no regrets, but in the case of apologizing for something, or telling someone you love them and care for them, it makes the other person feel good about their relationship with you and about themselves. One of the biggest mistakes we can make in life I think is thinking we are immortal.....that we have unlimited time....both in our relationships with other people, and in living our lives. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2006 4:25:38 AM | Just received an email this morning from a fellow POFer and her story is tragic, it brought tears to my eyes and goose bumps on my skin. My heart goes out to her and her family, and I am truly honoured that she felt that she could confide and share with me the gut wrenching pain that she is going through.
Her brother who is 39 was married this past Saturday to the woman he loves, they spent the next day with family and on Monday headed out for their honeymoon. It was that day that he passed away and they have no explanation why.
Can you imagine how horrific that would be , especially for his bride? I can't even fathom the devastation she must be going through and that of his family. I guess the statement that you really never know when your time is up is TRUE. I am thankful that they were allowed those few precious days together before and after the wedding to be together. GOD allowed them time to share memories and ultimately see him before his leave to another place. Most of us are not allowed that privilege when loved ones are taken from us suddenly.
I am hoping that I will be able to help her through her GRIEF and the healing process......being there for someone at times like this can be the best gift that one can give.
Miss ya lots mustang also........wish you lovel, peace, and joy. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2006 4:45:01 AM | I have lived with grief for a very long time - I have had more than half of my relatives and several of my friends pass away in recent years. Through all of that I have learned to be as giving and kind to those around me as I can and to take care of myself more than I have ever before.
I live with the following things in mind, trying to keep them forefront - happiness - joy - good health and love, for myself and for those around me. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2006 5:01:18 AM | CANTE: No one should ever have to deal with grief alone! I did that myself within the last year, and I did go in search of help, and did succeed. I am not one to talk to my family all that much nor my closest friends even. But for some reason I was able to with counsellors, someone not involved. I hope you find the aid you require and that you will get through it. I also found that spending time in the forums was a really big help too, to see what others are going through, and sometimes for a good giggle. Hugs and best of luck with all you are going through!!!
WANNABE: You have a heart of gold!
I think this is a great thread for so many ...JUGGER seems to find a way to get people to deal and help. Great job!
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Posted: 5/5/2006 6:01:27 AM | | Good Point Mika.Both my parents have passed on,but it wasn't until they had,that i realised,they were also my best friends.Since being here in the USA,i've made hundreds of friends,but three that were close,are now dead,thanks to violence.So yes,i can relate. | |
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