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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/8/2006 1:21:37 PM | FROM an old thread:
Ten Things Men Know About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Women have breasts. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/8/2006 2:30:44 PM | What did the banana say to the viabrator?
What are you shaking about?  She is going to eat me!  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/8/2006 8:08:36 PM | Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show.”
"Your're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked,
streaked, as fast as an old lady can, through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/9/2006 6:31:51 PM | Touching Story.....about the bond formed between a little girl and some
construction workers.
This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is
hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The y oung family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as kind of a project
mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the ten dollar pay she
had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque
at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew
building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless****uckers at Home Depot
ever bring us the ****ing drywall."
warms the****es of your heart, doesn't it, lol | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/9/2006 6:45:31 PM | Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly “What makes you think I charge by the inch?“ | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/9/2006 6:52:04 PM | Two ladies are sitting at a bar. "I read that eighty percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love," says one.
"Well," said the other, "that will certainly change the game of hockey." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/9/2006 7:00:55 PM | Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/9/2006 7:53:05 PM | A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
While they're sitting there having a good time
together she starts
talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it the more excited she
gets, and
starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink
for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following
on the
bar -- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of
lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the
woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next
you drink the
shot
of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime
juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her,
goes for it. He
puts the salt on his tongue! -- salty but OK. He
drinks the shot of
Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks
- this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it ...
. in one second the
sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles...
at three
seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag
reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint
his girlfriend,
he
swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes
it down he turns
to
his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you
like it? It's
called
'Blow Job's Revenge.'" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/11/2006 9:42:17 AM | A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches a while then says, "you look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says "Yeah right, and what did he say about your 65-year old ass?"
"Your name never came up"..........she replied. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/11/2006 5:52:34 PM | A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith to see about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the middle aisle of the bus and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's by any chance?"
"Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory****ry dock". | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/11/2006 5:54:08 PM | Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2006 1:55:21 PM | A nun, Priest, hooker, and a goat...all walk into a bar...
The Bar tender says " Is this some kind of joke again?" lol | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2006 3:32:49 PM | A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading
his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him.
As
he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush
and
laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his
faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two
lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try to read between
the lions. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2006 6:42:17 PM | There is one that I have for a Friday
Q: What does an egg say after it's put ina bowl of boiling water?
A: How do u expect me to get hard when I've just been laid? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/12/2006 9:19:21 PM | Jesus walks into a Holiday Inn, tosses 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
A personal favorite of mine... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/13/2006 1:23:59 PM | For all you seniors still doing it ~s~
Sunday Morning Sex I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
and LMAO at the Blowjob's revenge ...High five on that one | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/14/2006 11:45:10 AM | Maritime Angel "LMAO at the Blowjob's revenge ...High five on that one"
I want to try this to see if it works...lol | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/14/2006 12:43:56 PM | Wal-Mart greeter
A *very* ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids. The Wal-Mart
Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they really
look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/15/2006 6:56:08 PM | A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/15/2006 8:30:12 PM | Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That
Damned Gay Cowboy Movie.
No offence to anyone thats gay tho.
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/15/2006 9:28:48 PM | | A man and his wife were having a bad argument after which they were giving each other the silent treatment . The husband realized that he had to catch an early flight the next morning for business and needed his wife to wake him at 5am. Not wanting to appear weak and break the silent treatment first, he left his wife a note next to her pillow. It said " Have to catch an early flight, wake me at 5. The next morning, he awoke at 9. Realizing that he had missed his flight, and meeting, he was about to yell at his wife when he noticed the note on his pillow . It said " it's 5am ..wake up* Men are so not equipped for this type of contest ~S~ | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/16/2006 8:47:26 AM | George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she
could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Are any of those people in your house"
and he said "no".
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when
available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the
police again.
"Hello I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot
them all".
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police
caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" | |
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