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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/16/2006 10:33:34 AM | there was an old man of Peru
who dreamed he was eating his shoe
he awoke in the night
with a terrible fright
and found it was perfectly true! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:53:17 AM | Q. How do rednecks practice safe sex?
A. They spray-paint Xs on the back of the sheep that kick! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:56:04 AM | THE NEW WAY TO APPROVE A MAN!
Dating Application
Name _________________
Last First ______________
Middle ________________
Address __________________________________________________
City _________________________ State _____ Zip ___________
Home # _________________ Cell# __________________
Do you live with any of the following: (circle)
Grandmother Parents Mother
Father Girlfriend
Baby Mama Alone Shelter
Wife Auntie Other _________________
Weight _______ Height ________ Ethnicity: Black Hispanic
White Other_________________
Date of Birth ______________ Age ____ SS# _____-___-_________
Any Children (circle yes or no) yes no If
yes, how many _______
How many Baby Mamas? _________
If more than one, please name below. Use sepa rate sheet of paper if need
more room.
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
Ever been married (circle ) yes no If yes, how many
times? _______
Are you or have you ever been on the Down Low? (circle one) Yes
No
Do you owe child support? (Circle one) Yes No Don't Know
*If your ex is getting state benefits (childcare, food stamps, etc), then
you owe somebody something. Especially
tax payers. Stop here and go take care of your dang kids.
*Please use a separate sheet of paper to compile a list of goals and
accomplishments.
Did you graduate from high school? (circle one) yes no
Name of high school (if yes)
__________________________________________________________
Have you rece ived any of the following? (Circle One)
GED Diploma Nothing
*If you did not complete any of the above, please stop here and return to
school.
Any college? (circle one) Yes No Still Enrolled
Graduated
Have you ever been to jail? (circle one) Yes No
If yes, what for? (be very detailed)
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________ _____________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Have you ever been to prison? (circle one) Yes No
*If you have answered ye s to the above question, please STOP HERE and call
your P.O. immediately.
Employed? (circle) yes no
*If no, please stop here?
If yes, where and how long?
____________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Do you have health insurance? Yes &nb sp; No
When did you last visit the dentist? ______________________________
When was the last time you have been to the doctor?
__________________
What for? ______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
List any (all) illnesses. Use separate sheet of paper if needed.
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Do you have or have you had any of the following? (please circle all that
may apply)
Hep A; B or C Herpes Mononucleosis
HIV/AIDS The Bird Flu West Nile Virus Crabs
Chlamydia Gonorrhea SARS Head Lice Ringworms
Boils A cold S ex Change
Shingles
Something that you can't spell Meningitis
Measles
Mumps Ebola Virus
Bunions
*If you have circled any of these, do NOT turn in your application. See
the doctor immediately and leave me the heck alone.
Do you or have you ever used (ingested in any way) any of the following:
(circle all that apply)
Crack/Cocaine &nb sp; Heroin Paint Markers
Ecstasy Glue Bad pills
Snuff Anything under the kitchen sink
By signing belo w, you agree that all of the information given above is
true to the best of your knowledge. For my protection, you may be asked
to provide the following information upon request: state ID, birth
certificate, recent payroll stub, a recent clean bill of health from a
certified physician or practitioner. Falsifying information may result in
termination of this relationship (if applicable), and a severe a**
whooping by my project cousins Pookie, Ray-Ray, Darnell, Lil Krazy or all
of the above.
Applicants Signature
______________________________________________________________
Print Name
_______________________________________________________________
Date ________________________________________ | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 4:58:19 AM | GUY RULES
>
>At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the
guys'
>side of the
>story.
>(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
>We always hear " the rules"
>From the female side.
>Now here are the rules from the male side.
>These are our rules!
>Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
>ON PURPOSE!
>
>1. Men ARE not mind readers.
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
>You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
>We need it up, you need it
>down.
>You don't hear us complaining ! about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
>or the changing of the tides.
>Let it be.
>
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
>And no, we are never going to think of it that
>way.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want.
>Let us be clear on this one:
>Subtle hints do not work!
>Strong hints do not work!
>Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every
question.
>
>1. Come to us with a
>problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
>Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem .
>See a doctor.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
>In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect
us to
>act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
>Don't ask us.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the
ways
>makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something
>Or tell us how
>you want it done.
>Not both.
>If you already know best how to do it,
>just do it yourself.
>
>1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
>commercials.
>
>1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We
>have no idea what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
>We do that.
>
>1. If we ask what is
>wrong and you say "nothing,"
>We will act like nothing's wrong.
>We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you
>don't want to hear.
>
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine
...
>Really .
>
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
>discuss such topics as baseball,
>the shotgun formation, or golf.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
>
>1. Thank you for reading this.
>Yes, I know,
>I have to sleep on the c! ouch tonight;
>
>
>But did you know men really don't mind that?
>It's like
>camping.
>
>Pass this to as many men as you can -
>! to give them a laugh.
>
>Pass this to as many women as you can -
>to give them a bigger laugh
>
Page 1 2 3 4 5 Next Topic >>
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 9:40:47 AM | A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own damn blanket!!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 11:54:27 AM | check out the Jesus joke on page two of this thread (posted 5/12/06 by HonestnFun)
yesterday I told this joke to over a dozen people and they all thought it was a riot!
also e-mailed it to quite a few...
now, in case you like "nail" jokes, an oldie but great pickup line --
"If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, could I nail you?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/17/2006 9:28:31 PM | How do you know if a redneck is married?
There is spit down both sides of the truck. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 1:36:43 AM | dont know if i have a funny joke or anything but i just need to get this outa my system.
ya see, i went out on a date with this really really hot chick last night and we did alot of drinking. damn i just knew i had a pretty good chance of getting laid especially after she kept suggesting that we head on over to my place. well on the way over we did even more drinking, but by the time we got to my place she had had way too much. we barely made it to the front porch and she just doubled over, fell on the ground, and started blowing chunks.
i was totally shocked, disgusted even and told her to leave and never come back.
i know what most of you are thinking, but you simply don't understand............
chunks is my dog | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 4:48:03 AM | Hahaha...thanks for the laughs you guys. One for the dog lovers in you.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. (this is so true)
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10.****r Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 4:49:56 AM | Not to leave anyone out, here's one for the cat lovers too. lol.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 4:51:26 AM | Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are
growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a
son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree
expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It
is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 6:00:04 AM | THE DICTIONARY OF DATING
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not
entirely
choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and
energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially
like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing
special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a
man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until
married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a
man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many
woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not
necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a
woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some
flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by
the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all
the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially
attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is
directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more
often than he does.
FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than
he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than
just intercourse. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/18/2006 11:32:04 PM | Read this on a business card before.........
DID YOU KNOW......
That the average woman receives sex at least once every two weeks. Now, considerin' that the average penis is 6 inches in length, and that the average lay requires at least 30 strokes minimum...that on average...a woman receives approx. 180 inches of penis per lay. That's at least 360 inches per month!!! Now, considerin that there is 5280 ft. in a mile, we see that the average woman receives over a half mile of penis per year.So Ladies....If You Are NOT Receiving Your Half Mile of Penis per Year....You're gettin screwed....and didn't even Know It!!!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 7:35:46 AM | | A British company is deveopling computer chips which store music, to be implanted in womens breasts. This is viewed as a major breakthrough as, up until now, women have complained that men were staring at their breasts and not listening to them ! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 9:18:15 AM | Ed McMahon's book says Johnny Carson himself came up with the following joke for his show -
A lady has been arrested for engaging in sex, not for cash, but for spaghetti dinners.
She is swapping sexual favors for spaghetti. I guess that would make her a pastatute.
2006 Update --
What do you call girls who swap sex for pasta?
Spaghetti ho's.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 10:12:19 AM | This guy meets a lady on a blind date and to his surprise she's in a wheel chair and has no legs. Not one to be judgemental or prejudice he acts like he doesn't even notice. After dinner the couple decides to head to a dance club across town. They really enjoyed the conversation on the ride over and the two click well. After a few drinks at the club the woman says to the guy, "Take me out back and f@ck me!"
Without hesitation the guy wheels her around the back of the building. He asks, "Well, I've never, well, hum you know, done it to a woman in a wheel chair."
She responds, "Take me over to that tree over there, and boost me up so I can hang on a branch."
He does just that and finds the experience exhilirating. She's going nuts bouncing from the limb and is having a real good time. After several rounds at it the couple is wore out. The man drives her home and walks her up to her door. To his surprise as he reaches for the door knob, the door opens. The girls parents where waiting up for them to get home. Her dad looks at her and sees her hair is messed up and leaves and a few tigs are tangled in it. He looks back at the young man (who at this point thinks he's about to be killed) and sticks his hand out to shake the kids hand.
The dad says "Thanks for not leaving her hanging." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 1:29:18 PM | On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 1:53:40 PM | Why have a $100 dollar bill tatooed on your pen*s?
everyone knows how a woman loves to blow money... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 2:41:37 PM | ha ha! ^^^
On the worst pickup lines thread, I told how I go into bars and say,
"My net worth is tattooed on my penis -- how'd ya like to blow every penny of it?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/19/2006 3:18:13 PM | A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when
the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then
screamed, "How the hell would I know? Call the weather
bureau!"
As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked, "What was
that all about?"
He replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb ass wanting to know
if the coast was clear." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/20/2006 4:27:14 AM | top 10 things a man would do if he had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
now the ladies turn..........
top 10 things a woman would do if she had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9...... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/20/2006 4:41:17 PM | okamythest
Msg: 73
now the ladies turn..........
There is an number 11.
Pee my name in the snow...I've always wanted to do that...  | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 75 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/20/2006 4:56:47 PM | For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Jean was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Jean tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail of the car, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Jean.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Jean looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an Indian elder, she said: "Good trade." | |
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