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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 6:58:44 AM | A couple were throwing a dinner party for all the major bigwigs in
town. The wife was very excited about the party and wanted everything to be
just perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't
have any escargot, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with
a bucket and gather some snails.Grudgingly, he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he
was collecting snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside
the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down the beach and
talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails for the dinner party.
All of a sudden he looked up and the beautiful woman was standing over
him. They got to talking and she invited him back to her place for a
drink.
Well one thing led to another, and the man ended up spending the
night at her place. At 7 AM the next morning he woke up and shouted, "Oh
no! My wife's dinner party!" Quickly he gathered up all of his clothes,
grabbed his bucket of snails, ran out the door and down the beach.
He ran up the stairs to his beach house. He was in such a hurry when he got
to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails, strewing
snails all the way down the stairs. Just then the door opened, and a very
angry wife was standing over him demanding to know where he had been
all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then looked at his
wife, then back at the snails and cried, "Come on guys, we're almost
there!"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 6:59:20 AM | A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the
button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman
he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against
the wall.The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very
nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the
floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage
the guy is getting very nervous.Then she says: "Make a woman out of
me".He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies, "Here,
iron that." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 6:59:50 AM | The President slips away from his secret service personnel one night
and goes for a walk. He sees a lake and decides to take a swim. He is
splashing around in the lake when he starts to have trouble. Three good
ol' boys see him and realize that the man in the lake is drowning. They
jump in and save him, pulling him to shore. When they got him out of the
water, they realized who they had saved. "Gosh you're the President!"
They exclaim. The President says "Yes I am, and for saving me, I'll give
you the one thing you've always wanted. Just name it and it's
yours."The first guy wants a new pickup truck, so the President tells him to go
pick it out.The second guy wants a new deer rifle, so the President
tells him to go pick it out.The third guy tells the President that what he
wants is a white marble headstone that says 'Here lies a country boy
who risked his life to save the President of the United States'.The
President asks him why he wants that.The third guy answers "Once my daddy
finds out I didn't let you drown, he's gonna kill me!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:00:33 AM | There were 3 people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and
a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to
swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam
out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she
drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
"I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got
tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
Finally, the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I
think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten
miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in
sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:01:03 AM | A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for
the sport.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the
third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the
wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be
thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:02:06 AM | Ways to Turn Down Men
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
Man: Can I have your name?
Woman: Why? Don't you already have one?
Man: Shall we go see a movie?
Woman: I've already seen one.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:03:01 AM | The Ten Last Things a Man Would Ever Say
1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
2. Honey, do you need any help?
3. While I'm up, can I get you a drink?
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can
hold your purse.
6. Who cares about Monday Night Football, let's watch Opera.
7. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
9. Her legs are just too long.
10. I think he is one cool guy. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:03:35 AM | There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a
problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it
was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was unable to go.
Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad
all week until Sunday, when the weather was perfect. The priest could
not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked
if he could take over his sermon.
The fly-fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone
he knew. An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said
"You're not going to let him get away with this are you?". God agreed
he should do something. The first cast the priest made was perfect. The
fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45
minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish.
At the end he held a 50" world record rainbow trout. Confused the angel
asked God, "What are you doing?". God replied "Think about it, who's he
going to tell?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:04:29 AM | This little boy was complaining to his friend, "My mom won't let me
watch public television anymore!"
"Why not?" his friend asked incredulously.
"Because it has too much sax and violins!!"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:10:05 AM | A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will
you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she
might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard
the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the
porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should.
She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added,
"that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Medik
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Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 736 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 12:46:43 PM | At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be,"replied the patient. | |
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wtf...
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Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 737 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 2:07:21 PM | Man n is wife in bed & he farts n shouts *GOAL* Then is wife farts n says *1 all* he then makes it 2-1 she then makes it 2-2 he then proceeds to squeeze a last 1 out & shi.ts the bed! his wife says wat the hell was that???..... the man replies *half time*-swap sides.....  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:37:33 PM | A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly
and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the
arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun but as she does so she is over
come with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies
"Shut up, you're next."
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:39:49 PM | A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest
in
sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He
says to
slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night at dinner she
does.
About a week later she's back at the Dr. and Says "Dr. the pill worked
great. I put it in the potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes
and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, throws the
table out of the way, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me
right there on
the floor."
The doctor says, I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong.
The
foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.
Naah she says, that's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's
anyway......
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:42:20 PM | A blonde decides to do something wild that she hasn't done before --
rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after
looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very
stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,
and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing
but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
The blonde says, "I just rented an adult movie from you, and there's
nothing on the tape but static."
The store clerk replies, "Sorry about that. We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
The blonde says, "It's called Head Cleaner."
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:44:29 PM | Man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:48:17 PM |  
The BEER PRAYER...
Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillages,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For Thine is the beer, the bitter, THE lager.
Barman. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:49:52 PM | A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door
(as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He
grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,
'You need to join the Army of the Lord!'
The man replied, 'I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.'
Pastor questioned, 'How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?'
He whispered back, 'Shhhhhhhhh. I'm in the secret service.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2006 3:51:07 PM | Q: What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic
Diver?
A: Mark Spitz, Greg Swallows. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 5:51:44 AM | Upon entering a small country store,
A stranger noticed a sign saying
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Posted on the glass door.
Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep
On the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager,
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't
Look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
Would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign,
People kept tripping over him." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 5:55:06 AM | A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
Of seniors down a highway when he is tapped
On his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts,
Which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
Again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again
He asks the little old lady,
" why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
"We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 3:51:03 PM | A farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The
current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in
years. So he buys a new**** and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a
little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So
you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff
don't you?
Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen
house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes
first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster
was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for
the old guy. "You're on," he said". The race begins and all the hens
start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster
is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead
has slipped a little --
but he's still hanging in there. But the old rooster's lead continues
to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front
of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion.
He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard
figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there,
he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old
rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun,
aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "Damn. That's the third
gay rooster I've bought this month." !!!!!!!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:17:26 PM | WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH........ ....
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAYS BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 4:20:50 PM | GUY QUIZ
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/13/2006 5:22:38 PM | An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked
why she was there, she replied, 'I'd like to have some birth control
pills.'
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, 'Excuse me,
Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have
for birth control pills?'
The woman responded, 'They help me sleep better.'
The doctor thought some more and continued, 'How in the world do birth
control pills help you to sleep?'
The woman said, 'I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every
morning and I sleep better at night.' | |
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