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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/27/2006 1:32:51 PM | I don't know if anyone has put this one in here yet ... if so, I apologize for not yet having read the entire thread ... 
I wish I knew the kid who wrote this answer on his mid-term.
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:26:28 PM | Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate,
how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well
Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell
them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into
the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my
Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we
going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says
Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin
pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says
Paddy.
Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed
the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with
no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah,
dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut
de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by and......... .you guessed it, Paddy
stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN
PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO
FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!! !!!!!!!. HOW
DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!"
"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:26:56 PM | A woman's parrot died one day and she went to the pet shop to get a new
pet. The store clerk offered her lots of different options but she
refused all of them saying that she wanted something different. He
pointed to a normal looking parrot in the corner of the store. "Ya
right!" "It's a special bird. It's called the chomp-chomp bird." "What
is so special about that?" "Tell it to chomp chomp anything and it will
eat it!" "Let me try it. Chomp chomp desk." CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate
the desk! The woman proceaded to buy it for two hundred dollors.
When she got home she took it to her husband's office and said, "Chomp
comp desk!" CHOMP! CHOMP! The bird ate the desk. When her husband came
home he saw the bird and said, "You and your pets. When one dies you
have to get a new one!" He went to his office and saw his desk missing.
He called for his wife and asked, "Where is my desk?" "The Chomp Chomp
bird ate it." She was holding the bird and her husband yelled, "Chomp
chomp bird my ass!" CHOMP! CHOMP! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:03:24 AM | Three Old Men were talking.
The first one said "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old
man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, and sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out! "
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee
every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:03:56 AM | A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his
zipper was down and his fly area is wide open. His secretary walked up to
him and said "boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your
garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into
his office looking a bit puzzled, when he was about done with his paperwork
he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and
remembering what his secretary has told him, finally understood. Then he intentionally
went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.
When he reached her desk, he said "when you saw the garage door
open did you see my hummer parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said "no boss I didn't, all I saw was a mini van with 2 flat tires" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:04:57 AM | Two blondes were walking down the street. Just by luck, one of the
blonde’s spot's a compact so she goes and picks it up. Looking strangely into it, she says "Hey this person looks familiar! Let me see!" the other blonde says as she grabs the compact. "Of course it looks familiar, it's me!"  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:06:59 AM | A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,
but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a
sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
really."
Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock
of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you
couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:43:38 AM | Little Johnny is riding his tricycle around the living room and stops at
the kitchen door.
He states "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuk off;
everyone who wants to get on, get the fuk on."
His mother who is in the kitchen yells "Young man watch your language."
Johnny rides around the living room. Again he stops and says "everyone
who wants to get off, get the fuk off; everyone who wants to get on,
get the fuk on."
His mother yells, "Johnny I'm not gonna tell you again."
He quickly rides around the living room again. He stops and says
"Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuk off; and everyone
who wants to get on, get the fuk on."
His mother quickly and firmly states "That's it, go to your room till I
call for you."
Johnny does as he is told. Two hours later his mother realizes that
Johnny is in his room. She calls him out. He comes out of his room, gets
on his tricycle and rides around the living room.
When he stops he says "Everyone who wants to get of the bus, get the
fuk off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuk on. If anyone has
a problem with the two hour delay, well, go see the B-ITCH in the
kitchen." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:48:42 AM | A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The
mother told her it was OK and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her
not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's OK," said the Mom,
"I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/29/2006 6:54:18 AM | A young couple, Jack and Jill, are out for a romantic walk along
a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Jack's
lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky
when Jill says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to
piss."
Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't
you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.
As Jack waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling
down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.
Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Jack
reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly
brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with
great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage
hanging between her legs.
Jack shouts in horror, "Oh no, Jill, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit
instead." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:47:16 AM | I tried to make money as a kid. I had a lemonade stand for about six weeks.
I made no money. I had to burn it down and collect insurance.
``````````````````````````````````````````
Scientists have discovered that a man can be frozen in
a state of suspended animation for up to five years
without losing his job at the post office
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:48:00 AM | A first grade teacher was telling the class that humans were the only
animals that stutter. Jonny raises his hand and says, " your wrong teacher.
My sister has a cat and the other day it was out in the back yard playing
when the neighbors dog jumped the fence and started chasing it all over the
yard. He finally corned it and the cat went FFTTT, FFTTT, and before the
cat could say f**k the dog ate him!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:49:48 AM | Can You Say...DOG HOUSE...
This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour
day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful,
sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:50:21 AM | A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the
First exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
Attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached
That said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
That said, incapital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's
Ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something
From this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if
It was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical
To stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:51:29 AM | I have never understood why the sexual urge
Of men and women differ so much.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week,
My wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually
Said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the
Planet dreads to hear..."You' re just not in touch
With my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
To satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not for
What I do in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of
Work to spend time with her.
We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping
At a very big department store. I walked around with
Her while she tried on several different very expensive
Outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
We'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes,
So I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked
Out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have
Thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she
Then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't
Even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said,
"I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw
Dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this
Stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
My financial needs as a man enough for me to
Satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going
To kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for
Who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:52:32 AM | A very drunk man orders a drink.
The bartender serves him, he asks
Him if he would like to try a game
Of darts.
Only a dollar for three darts,
And three in the bulls-eye wins a prize.
"I'm game," the drunk slurs,
And he throws the first dart.
It's a bulls-eye!
He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly
Feet. . . Another bulls-eye!
He throws down two more drinks, he's barely
Able to stand, but he somehow lets the last dart fly.
A third bulls-eye!
Everyone in the bar is astounded.
No one has ever won before, let alone anyone that drunk.
The bartender searches for a prize,
Grabs a turtle from the terrarium on
The bar, and presents it to the drunk
As his prize.
Three weeks pass.
The drunk returns and orders more drinks,
Then announces he would like to try the dart game again.
To the total amazement and wonderment of all in
Attendance, he scores three more bulls-eyes and
Demands his prize.
The bartender has no idea what to give him,
So he asks, "Hey, remind me, what did you win
The last time?"
"A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll-
It was great!" the guy replies. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/1/2006 7:55:19 AM | There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called Work-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from colleagues, boss or anyone else via any means, DO
NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you come into contact with WORK put on your jacket and take two
good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated
from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends.
If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/8/2006 4:26:44 PM | Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this
holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents
a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly
gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket
and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through
the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately
through his pockets and finally pulled out a
pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those
symbolize?
The man replied," "These are Carols."
And So The Holiday Season Begins....  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/8/2006 5:58:39 PM | Q. What does it mean when the Flag is at half mast at the Post Office?
A. They are hiring! | |
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bobby7
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 821 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/8/2006 8:01:16 PM | Where Have you been JBG?..I have been looking for you all week..Please do not do that again..LMAO
WB...Bob... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/8/2006 8:59:34 PM | Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
Coffee: the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted: appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate: to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomache.
Esplanade: to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-Nilly: impotent.
Negligent: describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph: to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence: emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run-over by a steamroller.
Balderdash: a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle: a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude: the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon: a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster: a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent: an opening in the front of boxer-shorts worn by Jewish men.
Also, The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this years winners:
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. Unfortunately, the Bozone Layer shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? Then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've walked through a spider-web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be castout.
Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an ***hole. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/9/2006 5:23:40 AM | bobby7...LOL
I have been HIDING...LOL
No just been busy...I will be putting up more jokes soon... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/9/2006 4:10:42 PM | | Very funny. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. The light bulb wont change until its ready to. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/10/2006 10:32:10 AM | (Sorry if this joke was already posted...just too many darn pages to look through!)
A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down. The girl has her finger in his ***hole and she's reaming away with vengeance.
The cop asks, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth!" | |
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