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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/31/2006 11:06:21 AM | Two elderly couples would meet every morning for breakfast. They would tell each other about the people they'd seen, places they'd been to, etc.
One morning, after breakfast, the two ladies went into the kitchen leaving the men to talk. The first gentleman said, "The misses and I went to this really good resturant last night. The food was excellent, the service above par and it wasn't all that expensive either."
The second gentleman said, "That's great, Which resturant was it and I'll take my wife there."
The first gentleman sat there and thought....and thought...and thought.
Finally he said, "What's the name of that flower? It's red, has thorns and is associated with romance?"
The second man said, "You mean a rose?"
The first gentleman nodded, leaned back in his chair and shouted, "ROSE? WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTURANT LAST NIGHT?"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2006 11:50:24 AM | | vrb1955..I love it! I don't have a cousin named pookie but thats my ****y pregnant sister's knick name and I've seen her chew her husband out pre-pregnancy... jesus add hormones and watch the fireworks...I'll have to try your approval questionaire. | |
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8701.
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Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 103 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2006 3:01:08 PM | Quick joke:
Q. Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/4/2006 1:16:37 PM | A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:03:09 PM | The Ferrari Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment. Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:04:44 PM | A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and
two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her
arse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/4/2006 3:12:41 PM | A guy walks into a pub and see's at the bar a guy and a horse(don't ask)
the guy with the horse says that he will pay £100 to anyone that can make the horse laugh, a few people come up and try to make the horse laugh but to no avail
So the guy walks upto the horse and whispers something in his ear and sure enough the horse starts laughing uncontrollably, takes his £100 and walks away.
The following week he walks into the same pub and as the week before the guy with the horse is there and he says that if anyone can make his horse cry.
So he walks upto the guy and the horse and says " I can make your horse cry but I need to take him into the bathroom with me"
after a few minutes thought, he agrees
So he takes the horse into the bathroom with him and comes out a couple of minutes later and sure enough the horse is weeping
He then goes up to collect his winnings and the guy with the horse says
"last week you made him laugh and this week you made him cry, how did you do it?"
"Simple he says last week I told him I had a bigger****than him and tonight I proved it!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2006 6:45:24 AM | The Donkey In The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first,
the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was
astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back,
the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on
top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and trotted off.
The Moral:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick
to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take
a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back,
caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him.
Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the
shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. | |
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looknc
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Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 110 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2006 11:50:34 AM | A man and woman were celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary and decided to stay at the same hotel in which they spent their honeymoon.
The woman thought that for the special occasion, she would buy sexy, seethrough lingerie.
That night, as the man lay in bed, the woman came out of the bathroom, wearing her new lingerie. Looking over at his wife, the man said, "How much did you pay for that?"
"one hundred dollars." she answered. To which he replied, " Well, for that cost, you would think they would at least made sure it was ironed first."
Thankfully, the room came with a couch. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2006 3:23:24 PM | A blonde goes into her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions." The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog beside you, and the frog will do what he has been trained to do.
She quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, nothing happens. The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So the blonde calls the pet shop.
The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares into its eyes and says very sternly: "Look, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2006 1:00:15 AM | Always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on thursday
5% on Fridays
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2006 3:34:14 AM | PARENT - Job Description
If it had been presented this way when we were
young, none of us would have wanted the position!!!!
POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
LOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the
best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die,
you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could
only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2006 6:14:40 AM | Ladies if you get a burning sensation when you pee it could be one of three things,
1. It could be a urinary track infection
2. It could be a bush fire
3. Or someone is talking about your virginia | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/6/2006 10:59:42 AM | When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/7/2006 10:33:27 AM | Ms Smith asked her Sunday school class: Which part of your body goes to Heaven first?
One little boy said: Your head, because that's where you think about God.
Another little boy said: Your hands, because you lift them up in praise.
Finally a little girl stood up and said: Your feet go to heaven first.
Why? Asked the teacher.
The little girl said: Because I went by Mommy and Daddy's room last night. I saw mommies feet straight up in the air and she was shouting "Oh God, I'm coming!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:58:23 PM | An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 1:22:58 AM | A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking
guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls
asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid
to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He
knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting
there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave
a nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any
longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and
sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 10:54:50 AM | Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to
the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat
dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,
we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog
vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot
dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns
hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun
and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 1:59:53 PM | It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Julie.
When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie
to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits
that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was
beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about
the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch
in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready
for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while..
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...
Signed,
Ron
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on October 3rd. He was found with a
Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass, with
only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her
defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly. | |
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looknc
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Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 122 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 2:14:49 PM | A baby seal goes into a bar, and the bartender asks him, "What would you like to have?"
To which the seal replied, "Anything but, canadian club on ice."
A politician walks into a bar with a frog attached to the top of his head. The bartender asks, " What the heck is that about?"
The frog replies,"I don't know. It started out as a wart on my ass." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 2:19:46 PM | Oh!!! Ok I know this was a joke but.... Ok like I'm a christian and I've seen some real crap worken in the church. "Oral in marrage is still sin" and other BS crap rules. And if any one of you has been told this by a pastor RUN HARD AND FAST.
Funny joke other wise - just hope its false. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 5:26:49 PM | This is a true story, when girls were asked to tell the worst date they had been on. It`s too unlikely to be made up and it`s absolutely hilarious.
The girl telling it had just met this guy, and for their first date he suggested he took her skiing at a nearby ski resort. He drove her there in his car and they had a terrific date on the ski slopes and enjoyed each other`s company. Afterwards they had a meal at the ski lodge and then he suggested they head back home.
After they had been driving a little while the girl was absolutely bursting to go to the loo, so feeling rather awkward she asked the guy if he would stop the car. He did so, and she got out and looked for somewhere to hide. There was just nothing around, flat country as far as you could see, with snow and ice everywhere.
It was starting to feel cold so the girl thought she`d better do something quickly. She had a brainwave. If she went round to the back of the car and bent over she would be out of view of the guy. So she went round the back, bent over and adjusted her clothing. To make it easier she rested her rear on the bumper.
Unfortunately it was very cold, and the bumper was made of metal. Well you know what happens when skin touches metal and ice in very cold weather? It sticks. So when she finished peeing, and went to pull her clothes up, her backside was stuck firmly to the bumper. Oh god, what to do?
She thought about it hard, and then thought some more till her head hurt. Her companion was getting worried and called out, asking if she was all right. Try as she might she could not figure out a way to get loose, so in the end she had to call out to her date that she needed some help. She covered herself up as best she could and along he came.
First of all he had a puzzled expression on his face, till she explained just why she was sat on the bumper, and what had happened to stop her moving. When the penny dropped he burst out laughing while she turned bright crimson with embarrassment. Finally he stopped splitting his sides, and they both turned their attention to solving the problem in hand.
They didn`t have anything hot with them, and no tools that could be used to chip away the ice. Then her date had an idea, probably the only one that would work under the unusual combination of circumstances they had. He proposed that she kept her eyes closed, and he would pee on the bumper until the ice under her bum melted. She didn`t like the idea, but since there was nothing else they could do and she was getting colder and colder she finally agreed.
So she leaned as far forward as she could with the clothing round her bum removed to expose the area of skin that was stuck, and with her eyes closed. He proceeded to pee on the area of the bumper that was stuck to her bum, and after a short while she was loosened enough to be able to stand up and get dressed .
That was one date neither of them would ever forget! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:34:23 PM | Q: What is the first thing people should do when the Priest is missing from Sunday Mass?
A: Count the Alter Boys! | |
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