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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/3/2007 9:57:49 AM | A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a gay bar by mistake. After a couple of beers, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. He quickly leaves.
The barkeep lisps, "What's wrong?"
The country boy replies," You wouldn't believe what is going on in there."
"What?"
The country boy is shaking his head, "Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM."
The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question. "The guy in the middle wouldn't have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?"
"I think he was. Why?"
"He's lucky at cards too." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/3/2007 10:04:37 AM | A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat.
He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my kitten?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/3/2007 10:35:39 AM | A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man, planning to
love him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and
wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the
half-century age difference.
The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited
for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he
emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a
twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are two things I can't
stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning
rubber!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/3/2007 11:30:18 AM | 3 homosexuals are attending a conference on gay rights together and the roof caves in on the convention center, killing all of them. A couple days later at their funeral, their 3 lovers are sitting heartbroken for their loss and when the services are done, the urns containing the ashes are given to them. The first one says to the other two, " I am going to take the ashes of my lover out to sea and sprinkle them over the water because he loved to sail out there. " The second one says, "I'm going to take the ashes up in an airplane and sprinkle them down into the sky because my lover lived for skydiving and thats what he would have wanted".
The third one says to the other two, "I'm going to cook up a big pot of super spicey chili and mix my lovers ashes into it". The other two sit there horrified and ask him why he would do such a thing. He smiles and says, "Well he was such a wonderful lover its the least I can do, I figure if I eat the chili it will give him one final go at ripping my assh*le up the next day." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/3/2007 1:16:29 PM | A young aspiring actor goes to get himself an agent in Hollywood and the agent reads his name out loud..."Penis Van Lesbian". the agent tells him he must change his name or he will be ridiculed and never find work. The actor explains that the name has been in his family for generations and he can do no such thing and angrily storms out. After a while the actor thinks it over and decides that the agent was right and does change his name and goes on to be very famous and succesful. Years later the actor sends a letter to the agent apologising for storming out of his office and explaining that he was too embarrased to go back and to apologise and at the bottom of the letter he writes....
"To show my appreciation of your good advice I am enclosing a check for 10,000 dollars"
Signed, Dic kVan Dyke | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:48:09 PM | Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices something
unusual.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I
tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a
red man came oozing out. He said that he was the Genie and
he can grant me a wish. And I said, "C'mon, no shit." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/4/2007 4:50:10 PM | A guy was standing at a urinal when he noticed that he was
being watched by a midget. The little fellow dragged a small
stepladder up next to him, climbed and proceeded to admire
his privates.
"Wow," commented the midget, "these are the sexiest balls I
have ever seen!" Surprised and flattered the man thanked the
midget and when he was about to move away the midget said,
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the
little fellow, "but do you would mind if I touched them."
The man was rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight
grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over
your wallet or i'll jump." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/4/2007 5:13:53 PM | Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/5/2007 10:37:36 AM | Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
"Just watch me and follow my lead," he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here."
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, "Why not?"
The bartender replied, "Well, we don't allow dogs into the bar."
"But this is my seeing eye dog," the guy said.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever."
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can't let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
"But this is my seeing eye dog," said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, "Sir, ah... um... a Chihuahua?"
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/5/2007 4:51:50 PM | HELL
EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The
following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry
mid term.
The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure
of enjoying it as well:
Bonus
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?
Most
of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when
it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One
student, however, wrote the following:
First,
we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the
rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This
gives two possibilities:
1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell,
then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then
the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So
which is it?
If
we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It
will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the
fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I
am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of
this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS
STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/5/2007 4:53:48 PM | ADULT SEX QUIZ
I DIDN'T WANT TO RISK NOT SENDING THIS AS YOU WILL SEE AT THE BOTTOM!!
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your****
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed **** with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/5/2007 4:54:26 PM | Sexual Tension Quiz
What's on your mind these days? Is it in the gutter as usual? Let's
find
out! (Answers Below)
A. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good.
(What Am I?)
B. I'm spread before I'm eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
(What Am I?)
C. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger.
(What Am I?)
D. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn't maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
(What Am I?)
E. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
(What Am I?)
F. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
(What Am I?)
G. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.
(What Am I?)
H. All day long, it's in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
(What Am I?)
I. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
(What Am I?)
J. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news.
(What Am I?)
K. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
(What Am I?)
L. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
(What Am I?)
M. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
(What Am I?)
N. I make some guys shoot in the air.
I usually have a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush.
(What Am I?)
Answers:
A. Nose
B. Peanut Butter
C. Crane
D. Titanic
E. Tent
F. Dentist
G. Wedding Ring
H. Elevator
I. Chewing Gum
J. Newspaper Boy
K. Glove
L. Arrow
M. An attorney
N. Bird | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/5/2007 4:55:06 PM | FRACTURED NURSERY RHYMES FOR BIG KIDS
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little **stard.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.......
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo
and a sports car. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 6:26:33 AM | Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A: The cold shoulder. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 6:27:08 AM | If you think life is bad.....
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard.
Only two minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all..
the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 6:27:44 AM | Why Fishin' Is Better Than Making Love
* When you go fishin' and you catch somethin,' that's good.
If you're making love and you catch somethin,' that's bad.
* Fish don't compare you to other fishermen neither.
And don't want to know how many other fish you caught.
* In fishin' you lie about the one that got away.
In lovin' you lie about the one you caught.
* You can catch and release a fish, you don't have to lie,
and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
* You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep
catching fish.
* You can catch a fish on a 20-cent nightcrawler.
If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a
movie minimum.
* Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 7:18:39 AM | Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 2:44:43 PM | Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
An octagenarian in an old age home decides to put the moves on an elderly lady there and gets real lucky. They go back to her private room for some action
As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?
"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.
So the man ventured downwards.
After five minutes the man came back up.
"Any wrong?" asked the women.
"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.
"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"
"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.
"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 4:05:43 PM | Subject: Fred and Mary
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so
they go back to
Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has
his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
asks his Mom
if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom
replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to
school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and
Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and
go back
to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and
Mary
up yet?' His mom says, ' No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I
think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?' He says:
'Last
night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/6/2007 5:34:27 PM | A couple of jokes I heard today:
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for diner, but doesn't tell the kids what it is. He says that he'll give them a clue. Its what mummy calls me sometimes. The little girl screams, don't eat it, its a ****ing arsehole!
Woman goes to the doctor with a bee up her fanny. Doctor says im gonna rub honey on my****and insert it. When the bee smells it, i'll withdraw and he'll follow. "ok" they agree. Doc starts and woman begins to moan. Doc starts to get faster and harder, woman yells "what the **** are u foing"? Doc says, "Change of plan", i'm gonna drown the **stard! xx | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:16:23 AM | A construction worker on the third floor of a building
needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the
first floor. He yells down to him, but the man can't
hear, so he uses signs. He points to his eye, meaning,
"I". Then at his knee, meaning "need". Then moves his
hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw". The man on this
first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to
masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and
runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the hell
is the matter with you! Are you stupid or something? I
was saying that I need a handsaw!" The laborer looks at
the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying
to tell you that I'm coming." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:16:51 AM | Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got
front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert. When they
returned home, my daughter said, "During the show, we looked back an
saw
hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought
people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the
lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/7/2007 6:17:16 AM | Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest
day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why's the groom wearing black?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/7/2007 5:06:28 PM | thats very good heres one for u>> joe boxer girl
go av a lauf
1. People who are willing to get off their a*** to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.
2. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing
floor.
5. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.
7. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?
9. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
10. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
11. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.
12. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you McTosser.
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I'll get up off the floor at some point,,Promise!!!!!