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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/11/2007 6:03:07 PM | Two hillbillys' decide to go back to school and go down to the loacal college to enroll. They are looking over the curiculum and and see this course listed as Math/Logic. One asks the other one what "'logic " means and he says he does not know but will ask the guidance councellor. So he goes and asks the councellor what "logic" means and the councellor says, "do you own a weedwacker?'
The hillbilly says yes
"Well, logic would have it thqt you own a lawn then, right?"
Again the hillbilly nods
"And logic would have it that if you have a lawn , you have a house , right?"
The hillbilly smiles and says yes.
"And if you have a house, logic would have it that you have a family , right?"
Again the hillbilly says yes.
"And finally, if you have a family, logic would have it that you are heterosexual. That should explain to you what Logic means'
The hillbilly thanks him and leaves. He meats his friend outside who asks him what the word Logic means.
He looks at him and asks, "Do you own a weedwacker?"
His friend says "No"
He then steps back from him and says..."What are you...A Queer?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/11/2007 8:08:26 PM | Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted
to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg,
so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered
it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/11/2007 8:22:55 PM | Have any of you noticed that a relationship can be very much like the condiments you pick up at the fast foods restruants?
You know, like the plastic packaged Mayonaise and Mustard that you tear open.
Well like a relationship if you don't control the climate by keeping it at the right temperature it tends to go bad as soon after you open it or once you start up a relationship it could sour without the right treatment.
Now think about that one and I'm sure you can see parralels of the past!   | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/12/2007 12:41:45 AM | Saint Peter and God are playing a game of golf in Heaven and Saint Peter is getting beaten by God.
They get to the 18th hole and before God takes his drive he turns to Saint Peter.
God: Better get your money out, cause when this ball goes in the hole I'll be winning the bet.
So God takes his shot and just like that the ball flys straight into the hole, God turns and walks over to Saint Peter to collect his money.
Saint Peter: Well you see God the thing is...I'm actually quite strapped at the moment so if it's okay I'll pay you later?
God: Fine...but until you come up with the money you owe me you will not be allowed to step foot inside the pearly gates.
Saint Peter: Fine.
{God and Saint Peter shake on it.}
So as Saint Peter walks back to the gate he's thinking about all the cool things he won't be able to see until he pays God back.
Upon returning back to the gates Saint Peter sees Luciano Pavarotti.
Saint Peter: Ah Luciano...the world will never be the same without you, but in Heaven you will enjoy all the benefits of earth but without any of the evils of Earth.
Luciano: Well thank you Saint Peter...is it okay for me to go in?
Saint Peter: Yeah...but wait a second I have a message to give to God, your going that way would you mind giving it to him for me?
Luciano: I'd be my honour.
Saint Peter quickly writes a note and hands it to Luciano.
Saint Peter: Now hand that straight to God, don't look at it or he may punish you for break a law of heaven.
Luciano nods and heads into Heaven...he heads to wear God is sitting on his throne and is welcomed by God.
God: Mr Pavarotti I have been waiting for you...while here enjoy heaven to it's fullest and be happy. Go join your old friends.
Luciano: Before I do Saint Peter asked me to give you this note.
Luciano hands God the note...God opens it and inside reads.
"Here's the Tenor I owe you...now can I come back through the pearly gates?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/12/2007 4:45:45 AM | Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after
the examination.
First body:
"Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress
hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body:
"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on
whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning,hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from
Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2007 7:57:36 AM | A few months after his parents were divorced, little johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "i need a man, i need a man!
over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times
one day, he come home from school and heard her moaning. when he peeked into
her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her
little johnny ran into his room, took of his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning "ohh i need a bike, "i need a bike! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2007 9:56:50 AM | guy walks in to a tattoo parlor, wants to get a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on his penis. the artist asks why he wants to get that tattoo. the guy gives hm three reason
1. I like to watch my money grow
2. I like to play around with my money
3 I wanna see how fast my wife can blow a hundred bucks. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2007 10:03:35 AM | This ones for sports fans
A teacher in an elementary school class in minnesota asks her students who here is a Vikings fan. All the students except a girl raise their hands. The teacher asks the girl, what team do you like. the girl says, well my mom and dad are from san diego and they are both charger fans, so I am a charger fan. the teacher says, thats no reason to be a charger fan. what if your dad was a drug dealer and your mom was a prostitute. the girl responds, well then i would be a Raiders fan. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/21/2007 3:13:00 PM | Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2007 9:19:00 AM | Gov't Help
A**** U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."
The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"
The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out....
"Your card! Your card! Show him your card !!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2007 1:23:42 PM | 3 mice in the pub having a beer discussing who's the hardest.
First mouse says 'I'm the hardest, I go up to mouse traps, rip the cheese out and benchpress the bar 30 times then throw it across the room'.
Second one says 'You puff! I get rat poison, crush it into powder and snort it'.
Third mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door.
'Where you going?' ask the other two.
'Home', he replies 'to shag the cat!' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2007 9:10:28 PM | QUOTES FOR TODAY
Don't panic, but there has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
I'm very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
-----
One day an insurance salesman knocked on a door. A little boy answered the door and the gentleman asked if his mother was home.
The little boy said "No, she is at the brothel".
The bright salesman asked if she was a prostitute, and the little boy replied, "No, she is a substitute. She only works Wednesdays and Fridays during the rush".
The salesman said, "Well I'll be a son-of-a-****".
The little boy said "Well, I'm one too, but I don't go around knocking on doors telling folks".
-----
A man was getting married soon and wondered if his bride-to-be was pure or not. His friend told him, "You have to wait till you wedding night. You show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a c*ck, she's been around."
So the guy got married and in the hotel room, he flipped it out to her and asked, "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replied.
"Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a c*ck."
"Of course not, silly! A c*ck is twice as big!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/25/2007 3:10:30 PM | I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day.
Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's 730 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love 730 times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight five.
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This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2007, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:
1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the **** home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it- I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.
19. No condoms, no ****ing. Carry your ass home.
20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.
-----
Ethel, a little old lady with a lovely smile, makes a living selling roses on the corner of Middlesex Street for £1 a rose. Maurice, on the other hand, works for a bank in Middlesex Street and is doing very well for himself.
Maurice has always felt sorry for Ethel and whenever he leaves his office for lunch and passes Ethel, he always gives her £1. But Maurice never takes a rose from her and although this has been going on for 2 years, the two of them have never spoken to each other.
One day, as Maurice passes Ethel and leaves his usual £1, Ethel speaks to him for the first time. "I appreciate your business, sir. You really are my best customer, but I must point out to you that the price of a rose has now gone up to £1.50." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/26/2007 4:47:21 PM | Mike was visiting Jim and discussing Jim's problems with his wife when Jim's doorbell rang. Jim answered the door and was handed a paper, which the deliverer said was a subpoena. Jim showed it to Mike and asked him if he knew what it was.
Mike in his pompous lack of knowledge said, "Of course I know what a subpoena is."
"Well, what exactly is it?" Jim asked.
"Well," said Mike, "that's legal talk. Your wife is suing you for divorce. We know that 'sub' means 'under' and 'poena' is Latin for 'penis', so -- 'subpoena' means under the penis -- which means she's got you by the balls."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.
"May I try on that lingerie in the window?" the gorgeous young woman asks the manager of the designer boutique.
"Go ahead," the manager replies, "maybe it'll attract some business."
There was a young woman named Melanie
Who was asked by a man, "Do you sell any?"
She replied, "No, siree,
I give it for free
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/26/2007 10:02:31 PM | (The age ol' question...) Why fart and waste it,When you can burp and taste it?
(My answer....) Because the warmth of the release and the flutter of the cheeks makes it more worth while than the taste of what the smell reveals...
If God exists....and I can show True evidence that I am Back Asswards, and by definition, made by God....Would that be Prove enough of Divine Humor??? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:32:50 AM | Su wong marries lee wong
the wong's have a baby
the nurse brings in the new baby boy
but it is white, what will you name the baby
asks the nurse?
well,says mr wong,
2 wongs dont make a white, so i think we'll name him
sumthing f**k ing wong | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/27/2007 5:44:29 AM | A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either | |
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| Why is it so cheap !
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:41:17 PM | Subject: Why's it so cheap?
'Why is it so cheap?' the woman asks, in the Pet shop.
'Well', replies the assistant, 'it used to live in a brothel and as a result
its language is a touch flowery'.
'Oh, I don't mind that', said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'.
So saying, she buys
the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around
and squawks at the woman.
'F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam'.
'I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel,' scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
'Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes,' says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
'Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes,'
complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.
'In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,
but the
same old clients ....
How ya doin', Dave?' | |
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| Why is it so cheap !
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:15:39 AM | It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:16:51 AM | The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A little later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2007 10:18:06 AM | Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and s aid, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/30/2007 11:03:40 PM | "Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
1. You Are Different And That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster... And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? | |
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