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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/1/2007 9:30:15 PM | A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly
replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving with you in the car."
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It PAYS to Pay attention:
"Are You Paying Attention?" A professor is giving the first year medical
students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few
basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that
you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger
into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation:
I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/1/2007 10:46:11 PM | Q: Did you hear about the angry little fly sitting on the tolet seat?
A: He got pissed off | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/2/2007 7:16:18 AM | A Welsh sheep-farmer is out in one of his fields one day when he sees a hiker in the distance drinking with a cupped hand from the stream.
He shouts over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)
The man at the stream lifts his head and puts his hand to his ear signalling he can't hear, then shrugs and carries on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream can't hear him, the farmer moves closer and yells: "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the walker can't hear him.
The farmer runs right up to the man at the stream and says: "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Do you speak English?" says the man in a posh English accent.
"Oh I see ... " says the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/14/2007 8:52:07 AM | What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
Bad golfer goes Whack, F*** it; bad skydiver goes F*** it, Whack.
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David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
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To truly love another, you must first love yourself...And it wouldn't hurt to wash your hands in between.
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Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."
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SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL - QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign.
Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?) | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/15/2007 5:42:22 PM | Private Medical Cover
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating
furiously. "Oh my G0D!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why
is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where
his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture "Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very
calmly,
Same illness, but he's with Bupa" | |
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| Girlie Wisdom
Posted: 10/15/2007 5:51:31 PM | Girlie Wisdom
I have read these before but they make me giggle so I apologise if you
have read them already!
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knickers.
Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" ......Now... I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock
lass of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen
witch.....do it and die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day! | |
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MissK5
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Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 1459 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/16/2007 6:06:09 PM | What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist????
One who is two with the Universe  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/16/2007 7:32:09 PM | What is the best part of a blow job after you get married
The five minutes of silence | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:10:50 PM | | quasimodo got made redundant he got a years back pay a lump sum n a crate of bells | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/1/2007 3:13:42 PM | | quasimodo lying at the bottom of the scaffold says esmerelda that wasnt what i meant when i said toss me off | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/3/2007 6:38:12 AM | Two rats in a sewer, one says 'alright mate ya look upset ?'.
The other rat replied in an angry tone 'I'm fed up - i've had shit for breakfast ... shit for lunch ... and shit for dinner. Thats whats up!!'.
The other rat replied - 'Don't worry mate ... i'll take you for a piss up later'.
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An elephant walks to jewellery shop front window and smashes it, using his trunk he sucked all the jewelleries and watches that were there and quickly fled the crime scene. The shop keeper quickly called the police, 15 minutes later the police arrived. A chief officer then interviewed the owner and asked can you give a discription of the thief.
Shop Keeper :- ' It was an elephant'.
Chief Officer :- ' ELEPHANT ????' (with a surprised look on him).
Shop Keeper :- ' Yes it was a bloody elephant !!!'
Chief Officer :- 'Calm down sir ... can you give a description of this elephant?'
Shop keeper :- ' Calm down ??? You wanna a description ??? It was an elephant for goodness sake!!'
Chief Officer:- Not wanting too look to stupid then asks 'Well was it an African or Indian Elephant'.
Shop keeper :- ' African or Indian - what kinda of question is that .. ??'
Chief Officer :- ' Well did it have big ears or small ears .... you see Indian elephants have big ears.'
Shop keeper :- In frustation replies ' How the hell do i know - it had a pair stockings!!'
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Enjoy. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/10/2007 3:48:44 PM | A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one
look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to
stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what
I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/26/2007 5:15:52 AM | Wedding Night
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what young couples do....time and time again.....all night long.
Morning came and the groom went into the bathroom but when he emerged from his showre, he could find no towel. He asked his young his bride to please bring one from the bedroom. As soon as she got to the bathroom door, he opened it exposing his body to her in the light for the first time.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped. Staring, she asked shyly, "What's that?" , pointing to the small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night!"
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left ?"  | |
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ousu
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 1470 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/26/2007 1:12:53 PM | Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the Taliban; regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation,
said, 'Land Mines.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/10/2008 11:23:45 PM | Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.
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A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water. The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar. Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced. "Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
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Imagine my joy when getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy
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Q: How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighbourhood?
A: By the dead horses on cinder blocks in the front yard...
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A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were away the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner, he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, ... "Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/11/2008 6:56:35 AM | MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a ****.....
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/11/2008 8:55:16 AM | This should go in the S&D section . . but it's Funny . . !
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~ I'd go so far South on her, that she'd need a Passport to get Home . . !!! ~
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/11/2008 5:36:33 PM | I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye
in his response.
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/29/2008 5:34:29 PM | One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo,Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.
It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
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