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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2008 12:29:32 AM | The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October
1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British
authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. YOU will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.
THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: We are a LIGHTHOUSE!!. Now YOU change course and f**k off!!!.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:41:30 PM | JBG , you should edit them and print them as a book,
i think i 'll be the first guy to buy your book. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:59:04 AM | chinese mams use tiny little spoon to feed their kids too.
the same culture at this point. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:36:42 PM | Here are The Top Adult Jokes:
Enjoy:
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and a s he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your p&nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrass ed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once
that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a
jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:43:21 PM | You can try these Redneck Man's Pick up Lines here on POF   
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you in I were Squirrels,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. | |
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Älska
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Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 1482 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:35:49 AM | Irishman goes for a job as a blacksmith. Boss asks if he has any experience in shoeing horses. Paddy replies ' No but I one told a donkey to f**k off'
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 1:39:18 PM | | drunken irish man goes into a australian pub gets a pint of guinness looks round sees a boomerang hanging on the wall takes it down and swallows it hes now in the guinness book of records he got chucked out 36 times | |
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Älska
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Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 1484 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:17:06 AM | Old guy back from Thailand with his new Thai bride. Lying in bed, the bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down, and the old boy says 'You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back.'
The bride replied, 'Not really, I just miss mine.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:47:35 AM | Here are 12 of the finest (unintentional) Double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.
1) Pat Glenn, weight-lifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
2) New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3) Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
4) Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5) US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God!! What have I just said?'
6) Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9) Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'
10) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11) Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/14/2008 2:35:43 PM | Dumbest Kid in the World?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 'What did ! I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over .
Thats my boy | |
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CB-Guy
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Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 1487 | |
| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:43:49 AM | Ok, I have a read a bunch of these and I thought I would add one I know.
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."
Well, the match-up was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same.... she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his Birthday suit.... but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences". | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:35:36 PM | I was sitting in a bar today when a man walked in with his dog
The man said the barkeeper
"Will you give me a free drink if I can prove this dog can speak?"
"Sure," says the genial barkeep trying to hide his laughter.
"OK Dog, what is attached to the walls at the top, to keep out the rain?"
The dog thinks for a moment and then barks out "ROOF." "Right" says his master.
"And what is the consistency of sandpaper?" asks the man.
Without pausing the dog barks out "ROUGH." "Right." says his master.
"And thirdly, who was the best baseball of all times?"
The dog hesitates, thinks, scratches his head, and barks out "RUTH."
"No drinks for you or your dog. He's just barking." says the barkeeper as he ushers them out of the front door.
"Gee, I'm sorry, Boss. Maybe I should have Hank Aaron," says the dog | |
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| The tennis elbow and the Urine sample.
Posted: 5/25/2008 3:14:17 PM | This is a true story invented by a friend of mine.
A young MBA type is playing tennis rather vigously when his right elbow starts to hurt.
"Ah, its just a tennis elbow - lets take a two minute time out and it will get better" says his tennis friend.
Two minutes later it hurts worse.
"I'm going to my doctor's office." says our young hero
The doctor looks at the elbow very carefully and tenderly and she tells him the following:
First, take these Aspirin, then go home and lie down; and for the next twenty four hours we need a Urine Sample. Take this large, brown glass bottle and you pee in it every time you pee. And bring it to my office tomorrow morning."
"Doctor," says our hero "Its only a Tennis Elbow - why do I need a Urine Test?"
"Well, modern medicine requires it and it may be helpful. I'm serious."
He takes the empty urine sample bottle and laughs all the way to his car in the parking lot.
On his way home, he stops by his Girl Friends house and explains the situation.
"Honey," he explains "tennis elbow...pain ...young doctor.....24 hour urine sample...stupidest thing I ever heard of,. You pee in the bottle..." which she did.
When he gets home he explains the whole thing to his wife and tells her that he has already peed in the bottle. "Will you spit in it?" he asks. She does so, laughing.
Our young man goes down to the garage and gets the dipstick out from his Corvette and shakes the oil into the bottle. Then he goes upstairs and masterbates into the bottle.
At 8:00 am the next day he goes to a paint shop and puts the bottle in the paint shaker machine. He then takes it to his doctor's office, smiling all the way.
At about Noon he gets a very worried call from his doctor, at which he laughed, but quietly. His doctor says "I have got some very bad news for you. Are you sitting down?"
"Yeah" he says, "Just tell me.
"Well," she says you have four basic problems:
First, your girl friend is pregnant.
Second, your wife has gum disease.
Third, your Corvette needs an oil change, and
Fourth, if you don't stop masterbating, you are going to ruin that tennis elbow." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:15:37 PM | An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch.
The Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again!
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:01:57 AM | There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:56:54 AM | | Truth and Falsehood are both whatever, and simultaneously NOT so, rather than not. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:01:48 AM | HOW THE FIGHT STARTED - this is short...
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'
. . . and that's when the fight started | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:38:07 AM | According to CNN this is the world funniest joke!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2nd Place World's Funniest!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
UK & Australia
#1
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
#2
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:37:24 AM | imagine the scene if you can; it is the sitting room of 221b baker street, the home of the renowned detective sherlock holmes. on this particular friday morning all was quiet until dr watson burst into the room.
dr watson blurts out, my dearest holmes there is a vile rum0ur around london that we are engaged in a homosexual relationship. surely this is not true, our friendship is merely platonic. at this point dr watson notices that shelock holmes is leaning over the table, trousers around his ankles and spreadinf lemon curd all over his backside.
my god holmes exclaims watson, what in blazes are you doing, to which holmes replies:
lemon entry my dear watson lemon entry. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:33:00 PM | Best comeback line ever?
A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'
The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's
all brand new.' | |
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usakb
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Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 1497 | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:55:47 PM | what's the worst thing about rollarblading?
*tellin' your parents your gay... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:03:29 PM | A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like
heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last
time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
does business.
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is
wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his
door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative
of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:40:55 PM | | A man says to his wife, "tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time". The wife responds, "ok, your penis is bigger than all your friends' " | |
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