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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2008 6:54:19 AM | Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. (And a single red rose!) Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, " Son...
what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $46.00
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time --- priceless | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:00:10 AM | It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same village. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family who all congratulated him on his retirement, thanked him for his years of service, and sent him on his way with a gift token for 100 pounds.
The second house gave him a case of fine 20-year-old Scotch whisky.
The people in the third house gave him a wonderful fishing rod complete with all reels and tackle.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, brought him in, closed the door and gently led him upstairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making that he had ever experienced. When he couldn't take any more, she went downstairs and prepared him a giant breakfast of sausages, eggs and bacon and a cup of freshly brewed tea. She brought the whole lot up to the bedroom and served him breakfast in bed.
After he had eaten, she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. While she was pouring he noticed a 5-pound note sticking out from under the cup. "All this was too wonderful for words", he said " but what's the fiver for?"
"Well", she said, " last night I told my husband that today was your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".
He said, "F*ck him. Give him a fiver. The breakfast was my idea!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:05:14 AM | GIRL'S DIARY
Saturday 6th March 2004.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late So I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------
BLOKES DIARY
Saturday 6th March 2004.
England lost to Germany. Gutted. Got a shag though. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2008 2:03:26 PM | EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
**stards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However....I could hear the noises and smell the food.
I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow - ....but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant.
I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/19/2008 5:17:10 AM | A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other
kids are running around having fun.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.'
'Why?', says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the friggin goalie!!' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:55:08 AM | He said, I said
He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him... You wear pants don't you?
He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said to me.... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him... They don't have time
He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... We don't know; it's never happened.
He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
I said to him... They already have boyfriends.
I said... What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said... A widow.
He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/21/2008 2:08:09 PM | Ever wanted to see a room full of teenage girls having their hopes and dreams shattered....?
...thought so
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNEwyEAy0oU | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/21/2008 3:08:14 PM | Superman was flying around one night. As Superman is soaring around he noticed that Wonder Woman was lying on the beach, stark naked and spread eagle.... he thinks.. 'Mmmm.. I could fly down there and nail her and she wouldn't even know it because I have speed of lightening' So, Superman flies around the world one more time and decides to do it. All of a sudden Wonder Woman hears a SWOOSH.. and asks "what in the heck was that??" Invisible man said "I don't know but, my butt hurts"  | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:29:15 AM | Bob and Ben.
Two buddies, Bob and Ben, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ben throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!' Bob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Ben stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Ben says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks..'
'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he pooped in my pants, too.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:29:58 AM | Sensitive Beer
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:30:40 AM | So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Canadian ranch in Alberta, and talks
with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.' The water representative says,
'Mister, I have the authority of the Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means
I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the water rep running for his life and close behind
is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.
The rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your card! Show him your card!' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:31:19 AM | 12 Days of Christmas
A Cat's Rendition On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me: Twelve bags of catnip! Eleven tarter Pounce treats, Ten ornaments hanging, Nine wads of Kleenex, Eight peacock feathers, Seven stolen Q-tips, Six feathered balls, Five MILK JUG RINGS! Four munchy house plants, Three running faucets, Two fuzzy mousies, And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 6:31:51 AM | | There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:59:42 PM | A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your azzhole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom... | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:47:50 AM | JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed her self off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:49:10 AM | A blonde said to her friend...
Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've
never been able to see the numbers. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:49:45 AM | Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit,"
Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties
off!" "What's the rush?" Tom asked. Joe replied "The damn elastic in
the legs is killing me!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:50:53 AM | Hummm....
Why do we press harder on a remote-control when
we know the battery is weak? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:51:41 AM | Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down
Towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there
boy?"
The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later,
and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked.
"Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four
ducks Flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all
of My hunting dogs."
They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to
his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and
Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?"
The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick,
Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out
of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool."
Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks
Are there boy?"
Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a
Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill
Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog.
Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob.
After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT.
That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could
****ing
Shake a stick at ." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:52:30 AM | Q: Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A: Because "pot holder" was already taken. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/24/2008 5:54:44 AM | As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ontario and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/29/2008 2:03:53 PM | 'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
(Newfies know how to get'er done) | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:20:08 PM | A Japanese study holds out the promise that stem cells from
liposuction fat could be used to increase women's breast size without
the use of implants. Today Congress called for a 80 percent increase
in funding for stem cell research. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:21:13 PM | Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda, who flagged down his
car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did
for a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof" Mike turned into a hotel. | |
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