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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/6/2008 9:22:27 PM | An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/7/2008 6:05:28 PM | My personal favorite=)
Q: If 2 gay guys and 2 lesbians got into a cross country race... Who would win?
A: The lesbians... They would get there lickity split while the gay guys would still be packing their s**t. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/8/2008 5:57:43 PM | LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/10/2008 4:17:45 PM | | All hilarious! It's nice to know that people actually do have a sense of humor! Awesome! | |
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| try to explain to a small child...
Posted: 12/15/2008 1:56:14 PM | Cows are mommies- Bulls are daddies- Calves are babies----
So steers must be teenagers?
It might be better to NOT try to explain! | |
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| a small child asks...
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:01:36 PM | "Mommie, Why is Jesus a boy?"
Mommie is floored on that one.
Then the child says, "Daddy is a boy. Why is daddy a boy?"
Mom is clueless how to answer.
The child continues and says..."daddy is a boy because he has...a...ummmm..."
she struggled for the words as Mom almost drove off the road....
"he has a...ummm...a..."
Then, quite satisfied with herself, she finishes..."a mustache."
WHEW!!!!
Then she asks Mom, "does Jesus have a mustache?" | |
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| MOM!!!
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:05:02 PM | "Heather called me the E-word."
Of course this bore further investigation, since no one could figure out what bad word, beginning with E she could have used.
Brothers reply, "She called me an idiot." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:18:29 PM | A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun
to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief.
She puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey,
don't do it." She replies "Shut up, you're next." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:19:24 PM | A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it!
Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies!
One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:20:03 PM | A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.
The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."
When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."
Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner.
When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/15/2008 6:20:55 PM | What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
Scroll down......
A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/17/2008 5:40:58 PM | Hazel was celebrating her 97th birthday ,her family planned a nice bbq at her sons house with decorations and cake. A few hours into the party her son noticed she she was leaning to the left and almost falling out of the wheelchair. He goes over and straightens her up and refreshens her drink for her. Several minutes later he sees she is leaning way to far on the right. He figures maybe its safer for her if he straps her in , so he gets his belt and secures her in the chair.
A few minutes later her grandson comes up to her and wishes her a happy birthday and gives her a kiss.."having a good time gram ?" he ask....she said she was having fun except .......................everytime she tried to fart her son interupted her. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/17/2008 5:45:19 PM | Two hookers are standing on the corner one Friday night , one turns to the other and says "its gonna be a good night for making money tonight".
The other one turns and asks how she knows that..."well you can just smell all that c*ck in the air "..
The other ones turns and laughs saying "that was me..I just burped" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/18/2008 4:32:23 PM | | What did the elephant say to the man peeing in the woods? How can you breathe thru that thing? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:12:01 AM | Newfie Drinking Buddies
Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a
hangover?"
Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing.
We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you
farted yet?"
No..
Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:13:04 AM | REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME…
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:14:05 AM | SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie smelled so bad I couldn't brief .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by
herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco,
liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she
didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece
this is herpes.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment
nothing to me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down,
so I had to pick the bishop.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:14:54 AM | A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favorite
Christmas Carols. Here are some of the lines she received.
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse
and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:15:53 AM | Silly Things To Do At Christmas
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless **stards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:38:20 AM | Three tampons are walking down the street. A Maxi, Ultra thin and a Pearl... Which one says hi first?
Non of them. There all stuck up ****es. | |
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| 2 prostitutes...!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:21:01 PM | two prostitues were walking down the street and one said aloud..." I can smell d*%k in the air".."we making money tonight"!..and the other says.."you fool..I just burped..." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/22/2008 4:17:11 PM | Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'
Donald frowned and said, 'No.'
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill?
'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?' | |
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