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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/25/2008 1:23:30 PM | Single Guy Holiday
Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:07:43 PM | After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain
and Abel.
They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.
One of the boys asked,
"What's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your
mother ate us out of house and home." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:10:02 PM | Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:10:28 PM | Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:11:02 PM | None of that Sissy Stuff
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true
friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad
like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking
you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I
must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only
you can feel the true warmth. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:11:37 PM | A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he
wants is anal sex and my ***hole is now the size of a 50 cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother is shocked, but finally says, "You're married to a multi-
millionaire Businessman. You live in an 8 bedroom mansion. You
drive a Ferrari. You get $1000 a week allowance. You take 6
vacations a year. And you want to throw all that away for 45 cents!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/3/2009 6:13:36 PM | BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF:
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for
a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf
in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?" the man asked,
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the
homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/4/2009 10:51:44 PM | Stolen from Lisa Lampanelli:
A man and a woman walk into an elevator, the door closes and after a few seconds he turns to her and asks, "Can I smell you feet?" She gets mad and says, "No!!!" The man shrugs and says, "Oh okay, it must be your ****, then." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/4/2009 11:03:16 PM | A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 6:57:14 PM | A Doctor was addressing a large audience:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 6:58:48 PM | THE POWER OF Alcohol
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
* (Don't hate me)
*
*
* (You're gonna hate me)
*
*
* (Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
'He should've quit while he was a HEAD!! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:00:12 PM | This guy and his dog walk into a bar in Windsor.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the Toronto Maple
Leafs hockey game here? My TV cable is out, and my dog and I always watch
the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but
it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the
end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll have
to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon,
the Leafs manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar,
barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives
him a high-five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they
win a game?"
The guy answers, "No Idea, I've only had him for 2 years." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:01:04 PM | How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:01:37 PM | Mike was walking past a pet shop one day and noticed a parrot in a
cage hanging outside. As he approached, the parrot said, "Hello.
What's your name?" "Mike," responded the young man. Several days
later, Mike again approached the pet shop. "Hello, Mike." said the
parrot. Mike was amazed, and decided to go inside and buy the bird.
The clerk told him the parrot was not for sale. "I really want that
parrot," said Mike. "Name your own price." The clerk saw an
opportunity to make some money, so he told Mike, "I can't sell Polly
because she belongs to the owner. But I can get you some of her
eggs. They're $100 each, and you'll have to come back after hours so
I can sneak them out to you." Mike orders 1/2 dozen eggs and agrees
to come back later that night. The clerk decides to gather a mixture
of different eggs to increase the likelyhood of having some of them
hatch, and when Mike comes back that night - he sells him the 6
eggs. A couple weeks later the eggs hatch - but instead of parrots,
Mike has a baby chicken, turkey, duck, goose, owl, and a robin. The
following week he once again approaches the pet shop. "Hello, Mike,"
says the parrot. "Don't you talk to me, you slut." responds Mike.
"You'd sleep with anything." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:02:13 PM | These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many
years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w..a..s a..l..m..o.. s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t.. o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a.. k s..l..o..w.. l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t.. t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he
was almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n.. c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t.. i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c.. h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a.. t..c..h.. i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r.. i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e.. w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.. "
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the
first friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a.. k s..o s..l..o..w.. l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k.. e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k.. i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l.. s" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:02:54 PM | If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting
down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story
ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates....but this takes
the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the
audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever
had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said
it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City, Utah. It was
a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving
back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she
should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away
from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came
a point when she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car. They
stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she
could think about was the relief she felt, despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she
soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her
pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued
against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new
problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns
about "what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was
"freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came
around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly
cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had
gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly
realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she
looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to
being pissed off." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:03:36 PM | The Prince's Wedding Night..
It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place:
As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the
aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to
borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.
When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla
retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Philip's.
As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla
flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off.
My feet are killing me."
The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor,
but it was stuck.
"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"
"I'm trying,darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody
tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"
There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"
In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and
said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a
virgin."
Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left
shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the
heir to the throne.
At which Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy!
Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:04:15 PM | If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:04:48 PM | Two hill folk men from West Virginia were looking at a Sears
catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
catalog?"
The second one replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at
the price!"
The first one says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one."
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one
and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one
too."
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, "Did you ever
receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
The second redneck replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got
her clothes yesterday!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:05:25 PM | As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two"
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie, "back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newfie, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:05:53 PM | Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one
of them is making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who
would you assume is in charge. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:06:18 PM | Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the ***hole? It is called the anal optic
nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on
life.If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your ass and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/7/2009 7:07:39 PM | This is a must read....
Letter to George Bush
After numerous rounds of 'We don't even know if Osama bin Laden is still alive',
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:
370H-SSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.
Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:
'Tell the President he's holding the note upside down. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:35:19 PM | As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:38:21 PM | A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box from him and promised to put it in
the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her
that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying
frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if
she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom
to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs
in New Orleans please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn! | |
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