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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:46:14 PM | The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up my
driveway and said, "I have some really exciting news!"
"What is it?" I asked.
With a glow in her cheeks, she said, "I'm pregnant! We're going to
have TWINS!"
I asked her how she could possibly know that already.
She answered, "That was easy! I went to Sam's Club and they
actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack! When I took the
tests, they BOTH came out positive!!!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:54:39 PM | Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I
sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labor, he gave him 80 dollars a week
unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel
Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160
dollars a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the
office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double
his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and
Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and
thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says, "Yep, diesel
fitter'." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 6:56:31 PM | It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/1/2009 7:03:32 PM | A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:31:39 AM | Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country
to invade next before he left office, when his telephone rang.
"Allo dere, President Bush!" a heavily accented voice said. "This's
Archie, up 'ere at da Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland.
Dat's in Canada, eh? I'm callin' ta tells yeh dat we're officially declaring war on
youse guys!"
"Well, Archie," George replied, "This is really exciting news! How big
Is your army ?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation, "dere's
meself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, 'nd da whole dang
dart team from da pub. Dat makes eight!"
George paused. "Well, I must tell ya, Archie, that I have one million
men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll 'ave ta call yeh back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again.
"Mr. Bush, da war's still on!
We've managed ta get some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Archie?" George asked.
"Well sir, we 'ave two combines, a bulldozer an' Harry's farm
tractor."
President Bush sighed. "Ya know, Archie, I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a
Half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin', bye", said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back ta yeh."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
"President Bush, da war's still on! We've managed ta git ourselves
airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of
Shotguns in da****it an' four byes from da Legion 'ave joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute, then cleared his throat. "I must tell
ya, Archie, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And, since we
last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jumpins!" said Archie, "ll 'ave ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I'm
Sorry ta 'ave ta tell yeh dat we 'ave 'ad ta call off dis 'ere war."
"
I'm really sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change
Of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down an' had a long
Chat over a bunch o' pints an' come ta realize dat dere's no frickin' way we
Kin feed two million prisoners."
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:33:34 AM | A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a
massive hangover and can't remember
anything he did last night.
He picks up his dressing gown from the
floor and puts it on. He notices there's
something in one of the pockets and it
turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds
a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night.
What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude
and accept the evidence.
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and
has a look in the mirror. He notices a little
string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is, "If there's a God, please let this
be a tea bag." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:43:41 AM | THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE MOVIES
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut.
You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until
you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will
allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone
in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba
diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A
German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended
from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:45:34 AM | Q. What's this?...
"Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip
clop clip clop clip clop clip clop.
A. An Amish drive-through shooting. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:47:19 AM | An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The
clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian.
"How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the
others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name
for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall
call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an
Indian." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:49:14 AM | Nature has many laws that hold fast and true...
For example, a baby ape will always grow up to be an ape; likewise,
a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.
A baby pig will mature into a full-grown pig.
A baby jackass will always become a jackass.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one
of these. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:51:06 AM | TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER
HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when
you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an
apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network
charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct
tape! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:58:23 AM | Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they
were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:04:51 AM | A Simple Test to Find Out Who Your Best Friend Really Is ...
Skeptical? This test REALLY works .... Just try it:
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:19:25 AM | A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled
LSD?"
Granny replies, "F@*k the pills!! Have you seen the dragons in
the kitchen?!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:22:13 AM | These three underage girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) walk into a bar.
A cop walks in and recongizes them and knows they were all underage.
As he approached the girls, they all bolted.
They ran into an alley where there were three trash bags. With the cop
coming, they quickly hid in the bags. The officer comes looking and
kicks the first bag (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and
the officer says "oh it's just a stupid cat".
Then he kicks the next bag (where the redhead girl was) and she
says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a stupid alley dog".
Then he kicks the last bag (where the blonde is hiding) and she says
"potato's potato's." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:28:38 AM | A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman
sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have
never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Yes, pepper." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:32:11 AM | Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turns to him and asks why he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," he replies. "I was walking through the
Enchanted Forest, when suddenly I approached Snow White fast asleep
on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her tells me that she ate a
poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my
very lips.
"I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give her a real deep
kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough,
I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods when
suddenly, she screams out, 'Ah, Yes, YES'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replies. "Then she's alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming says, "Nah. She faked it." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:37:26 AM | Why Some Women Have Cats and Not Husbands
1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.
2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.
3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where
she is.
4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.
5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.
6. When a cat comes in at midnight, it doesn't wake you up by
smashing into the furniture.
7. Cats never pretend they know how to set the clock in the VCR.
8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.
9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.
10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs no matter how much cellulite
you have.
11. Cats can be neutered if they stray. | |
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| Glad to be drunk
Posted: 2/2/2009 8:44:10 PM | Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." | |
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| Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
Posted: 2/2/2009 8:47:26 PM | Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 2:18:38 PM | Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours..
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 4:14:11 PM | A man took his wife to the county show and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR' The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.
'They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one
The husband looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:02:31 PM | Here is one, for everyone.
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:03:38 PM | Ooops, and one more
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!" | |
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