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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2009 7:09:06 PM | Turning 65
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself."
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you care?" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/4/2009 7:15:25 PM | Some friends sent me this joke, I kept this hidden in my archives so here it is!
A burglar broke into a Christian Family's home one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; when he heard, a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?' He whispered to the parrot.
'Yep, ' the parrot squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? And what is your name?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.'
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:47:20 AM | A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a**hole!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:48:59 AM | A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving
west and the CB crackles to life ." Hey Roadway driver who's the two
biggest faggots in America?" comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies . "I don't know".
The other trucker says " You and your brother ".
Well the Roadway driver gets all pissed off but the other driver
tells him "Its just a joke tell it to the next truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees
another truck. He gets on the CB and says " Hey, other truck do you
know who the two biggest fags in the world are?"
The other trucker says " I don't know, who?"
The Roadway driver replies " Me and my brother" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:52:22 AM | A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all
over."
The doctor says, "That's impossible!"
She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch
my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde,
aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:54:25 AM | The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor
home with her... so I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off
my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to
pull off my shorts... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at
me kind of sexy and says, "Now goto town cowboy..." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:59:29 AM | Q: What's the difference between Rice Krispies and a 7-11 in Detroit?
A: With Rice Krispies you get snap, crackle and pop. At a 7-11 in Detroit you can get pop, Snapple and crack.
*rimshot* | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:30:22 AM | Yesterday I was at sobeys buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. sobeys won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of crazy things to say. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:31:13 AM | When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she
asked him how he had sex ?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ' Oh,.....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong,
but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in
here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in
the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and
screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:31:52 AM | I have a friend who is president of his homeowners association in
the Dallas, Texas suburbs. They were having a terrible problem with
litter near some of his association' s homes. The reason according to
Wallace (my friend) is that six very large, luxurious new houses are
being built right next to their community. The trash was coming from
the Mexican laborers working at the construction sites and included
bags from McDonald's, Burger King and 7-11, plus coffee cups,
napkins, cigarette butts, coke cans, empty bottles, etc. He went to
see the site supervisor and even the general contractor, politely
urging them to get their workers not to litter the neighborhood, to
no avail. He called the city, county, and police and got no help
there either So here's what his community did. They organized about
twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services"
group, and arranged to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash
themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is
so hilarious. They bought navy blue baseball caps and had the
initials "INS" embroidered in gold on the caps. It doesn't take a
rocket scientist to understand what they hoped people might
mistakenly think the letters really stand for. After the Inner
Neighborhood Services group's first lunch time pickup detail, with
all of them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras, 46 out of
the total of 68 construction workers did not show up for work the
next morning -- and haven't come back yet. It has been ten days now.
The General Contractor, I'm told, is madder than hell, but can't say
anything publicly because he could be busted for hiring illegal
aliens. Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating
federal personnel, because they have the official name of the group
recorded in their homeowner association minutes along with a
notation about the vote to approve formation of the new subcommittee
-- and besides, they informed the INS in advance of their plans and
according to Wallace, the INS said basically, "Have at it!" SO,
FOLKS, I THINK YOU COULD SAY THAT TEXAS INGENUITY TRIUMPHS AGAIN!
Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes....... 12 million illegal
aliens are depending on you. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:32:28 AM | One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were
both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's
that?"
and Fred says "Th-that's.. .um... that's daddy's rock."
A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.
"What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh.. that.. that's mommy's rock
grinder."
All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his
rock
into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:33:20 AM | Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
Got Buzz?
Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
A Day Without Pot is Like School
Weed My Lips!
Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
Obey Your Jones
Hemp: The world's practical solution to
making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and
stuff
It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
Official Sponsor of the NBA
Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi...
Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
This is your brain.
This is your brain on pot.
This is your brain desperately searching for
Doritos.
When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at
Your Hand?
SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or
did we just think it?)
Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
Just Doob It
It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky,
greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie
so-you-can-get- high
medicine.
Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies:
Priceless | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:36:14 AM | A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they
came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on
top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying
him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl,
"...and they'll screw you every time!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:08:48 PM | TRIP TO WAL-MART....
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:41:16 PM | A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.
The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.
The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!" | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:07:16 PM | SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie farted so bad, and I couldn't brief .
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone, cheese mine.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market but she didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club and my woman got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him! | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:24:58 AM | A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .....
'She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:42:38 AM | LIFE THOUGHTS
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
If a ram is a ram and a ass is an ass.
Why is it a ram in the ass is a goose? | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:51:39 AM | After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.
"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back." | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:56:23 AM | Wal-Mart Wine
Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering
customers a new discount item ... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with
Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at
an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for
inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at
University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very
important. "
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name
for the Wal-Mart wine brand.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
- Chateau Traileur Parc
- White Trashfindel
- Big Red Gulp
- World Championship Riesling
- NASCARbernet
- Chef Boyardeaux
- Peanut Noir
- I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
- Grape Expectations
- Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either
white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum
is not a white meat. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:57:09 AM | Q. Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/25/2009 1:07:30 AM | If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
**
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy Pappy.
 | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/25/2009 12:25:25 PM | Humour can be found in many different places, some pleasant some unpleasant as in
DIED
IN
A
NASTY
ACCIDENT | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:06:44 PM | The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there' no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
>>>>> Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2009 5:39:20 PM | A joke for you-
A woman was helping her boyfriend set up his computer.
At the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now have to enter a password.... something he will use to log on. The boyfriend was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his girlfriend's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his girlfriend that he was keying in...
P
E
N
I
S
His girlfriend fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH LoL | |
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