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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2009 6:10:41 PM | Isn't love grand?
an elderly woman is being held in trial for theft. the judge can't seem to figure out a proper sentence. "what was it you stole?" he asked the elderly woman
"a can of peaches," the woman said
"how many peaches in the can?"
"six, your honor."
"very well, six days in prison it is, then!" says the judge. just before the judge can pound the gavel and make the woman's sentence official, her husband stands up from the audience benches.
"she also stole a can of peas"
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2009 7:48:28 PM | A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?' | |
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| Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/9/2009 4:55:29 AM | George Bush is sitting in the Oval Office getting his daily report on the War on Terror. His chief of staff says, “I regret to inform you, My President, that yesterday the coalition lost three Brazilian soldiers”.
George goes white, holds his head in his hands, and whispers… “How many’s a BRAZILLION??” | |
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| Pregnancy Q & A
Posted: 3/12/2009 3:52:08 AM | Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you..
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college. | |
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| It's not difficult to Make a woman happy.
Posted: 3/12/2009 4:12:49 AM | A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked in heels
2. Bring beer & food | |
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| A Man's Prayer
Posted: 3/12/2009 5:16:53 AM | Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep.
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope I'll find it on the lawn.
I hope the dog that's running free
Doesn't see that little part of me.
And many cautions I must take
To keep that part I love to pull & shake.
Much attention must I pay
To see the knives are put away.
The mower, chainsaw, and hatchet, too
There's just no telling what she'll do.
So I cross my fingers, close my eyes,
And cross my legs to avoid surprise!
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| A Man's Prayer
Posted: 3/13/2009 3:58:55 PM | I parked in a disabled bay the other day, and a traffic warden shouted
“What’s your disability, then?”
I shouted back
“Tourettes. Now f*ck off!”
Husband says to wife - ‘my Olmpic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight’
Wife says ‘ why don’t you wear silver and come f*cking second for a change’!
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos. He’s had a lot of trouble with squatters.
And My fav...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it’s face. The egg, looking a bit miffed, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ‘Well I guess we finally answered that question’. | |
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| groaners
Posted: 3/26/2009 8:25:32 PM | 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was --
--Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, --
--but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, --
--but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class --
--because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder --
--and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, --
--it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road --
--and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France --
--would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. --
--They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. --
--Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. --
--The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism --
--is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. --
--One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.--
-- Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, --
--'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.--
-- His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road --
--is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison --
--was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray --
--is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet --
--writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. --
--In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, --
--they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: --
--Practice safe sects ! | |
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| groaners
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:56:11 PM | A man went into a brothel and asked the receptionist, "Give me the ugliest woman you've got."
The receptionist protested, "But sir, you're spending a lot of money. Why wouldn't you want the prettiest woman we've got?"
The man replied, "I'm homesick, not horny."
The offering plate was passed during a church service and a gay man put in a brand new fifty-dollar bill. When the offering was brought back to the alter, the preacher said, "Well, looky here - one of our members put in a brand new fifty-dollar bill! I'd like to recognize that person, and furthermore, I'd like them to pick the next three hymns." The gay guy stood up and pointed, "Well I'llth take him ... him ... and him."
Why do Pollocks bury their dead with their butts sticking out of the ground? So they'll have a place to park their bikes at the funerals. | |
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