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grasyl
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 26 | |
| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/31/2006 12:38:02 PM | | Here's another widow...I lost my husband 8 months ago..life's hasen't been anything but bad to worse since then..I did also feel the need to date, because I miss the feeling of been love so much. But the only piece of advice I can give to you, is to be very carefull who you go out with..In this stage of mind, you are very vulnerable, and I learn the hard way, that not all the men are nice and understanding as they claim to be..most of then actually are predators, and they can smell a women in need at distance..take your time to grieve. that's what I came to realize, unfortunally with a bad experience..I date a few jerks, and I used to think of myself as a smart person, but I'm so vulnerable that I fall for all the BS they told me...Just don't put yourself in a painfull position..Trust me, that's the last thing you need right now..as for the rest, I myself still looking for some reason in life. Good luck | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 7/31/2006 1:20:23 PM | I am not going to try to tell someone how long to wait I can only speak as myself.
My own experience was that I was the luckiest guy in the world. I was able to get back together
with the one that got away, we had lived together in the 70's broke up married other people
found ourselves single agin at the same time later in life and refell in love only better this time.
funny how when I quit doing my bad habbits and quit acting like a jerk how much more wonderfull
she was. Anyway she suddenly passed away just a few days before our wedding. that was four and a half
years ago and I just went out on my first date a month ago, It was a setup by my daughter wih a lady
from her church. no real sparks but I guess it made me realize that it could be time to start looking
agin. It's not something you ever get over just learn to live with as the shock and the pain in our guts
subsides. I realy liked what the lady said about what would be the last thing you think about .And I'm
glad that I took the time to heal, I will never want to erase her from my life but I don't have to carry
a burden or stay alone forever either. good luck and God bless all of you . | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/1/2006 3:15:27 PM | I had to think about this for a while because it isn't something I generally share and I know with those who read my posts, will be a little stunned, but its time, I think.
I'm not what you would really consider a widow as he died before we could get married. He was ill before we got engaged, and I didn't care. Any time I had with him, was to be cherished. He died a few months ago, and beforehand, he made me promise to carry on with my life, because he didn't want me to be alone. I was sitting with him one night in the hospital and he told me he wanted me to write a profile to post somewhere, so he would know I was listening to him. So I did. We both knew about PoF from previous friends, etc.
I can't say how long it will take for you, I can't say how long it would take for anyone. I know though making new friends and knowing life does go on, makes a difference for me. I have dated a bit, not much though. I know what I want and I'll find it. It just takes time.
I wish you all the best with this.  | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/1/2006 8:53:29 PM | Hi, all. My sympathies to all in this thread for their losses. It is both sad to know that there are so many of us out there who have suffered this loss, but at the same time uplifting to know that there is a community that shares and understands what it means to be widowed. The struggle is somehow easier when I know there are others with whom I share so much in common.
It is a year since my wife died, after a protracted battle with cancer. Through my grieving, I did much reading and research, and the general conclusion was that everyone will grieve differently, in their own time and in their own way. There is no right or wrong, nor any timeline that will work universally, at least in our society. It is, like some many other things in our North American culture, left to the individual to determine.
Personally, I found that grief had three stages: past, present and future. First there is the “past” phase, wherein a griever’s focus is almost exclusively on the memories of what has been and the remorse that it is no longer to be. When ready, a griever next shifts his or her focus to the “present,” and only the present. He or she deals with life a day at a time, trying to figure out the new role they have been thrust into, now single and widowed, perhaps with parental responsibilities to sort out. Eventually, I believe, one grows comfortable with this new role. The griever identifies his or her support structure and recognizes that, yes, he or she is able to cope with what seems at times to be a daunting task.
Once reconciled to life in the present, the griever can at last turn to phase three of the grieving process: to begin to look toward the “future” and think about how to rebuild a new and different life, to perhaps find a way to someday once again be happy. It is then, and only then, that one can truly begin to think of dating again and trying to build a new romance—a different romance, not a duplicate of what was, but something unique and built out of a new and expanded knowledge that has experienced death and now has a greater understanding of the meaning of life and how every moment is to be treasured and appreciated.
Someday, I hope I will be able to apply this new knowledge, that I will find that next relationship and, as good as my last one was, this next one will be even better, because I am wiser. My two daughters (20 and 9), I think, understand this. The older one certainly knows and understands that her father wants and needs to be happy again someday; she is supportive of my efforts (futile as they have been to date). The younger one, who is an amazing bright kid (if I so say so myself), knows that a happy father will be a better father. She knows that there will never be a replacement for her Mommy, but that someday someone may come into our lives—a woman that will both make her Daddy happy and will be a new friend, confidante and role-model for her.
I haven’t found that person yet. Maybe someday I will (all evidence to the contrary). And if I do, I will handle the situation delicately. I will be circumspect and not lead my younger daughter on, getting her hopes up too soon. But neither will I lie to her and hide the fact that I’m going out. She’s too smart for that, and she deserves to be treated with respect, her feelings acknowledged. I can only trust in myself that I will be up to the assignment if that day ever comes.
I hope that someday we will all find what we seek. May our wounds, in due time, heal. And through our difficult experiences, may our most profound loss become the cornerstone for even greater gains as we move into a future enriched by memories and empowered by lessons learned. God bless you all. | |
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grasyl
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Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 30 | |
| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/2/2006 11:35:17 AM | Wow!! TheScribe42...Thanks for sharing that...
I hear about others stage of grieving, but nobody ,I had read so far, has pointed into the time stage..That's a new one for me, and it did make me think about where I stand right now..at least I'm thinking of myself now..thank you again. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/3/2006 3:52:19 AM | whoaminow: I too am a widow...13 months ago I lost my husband to cancer...we had been married twice to each other , total of 25 years. Our 3 children are all grown....I too was worried what other people would say when I started to date again. He came from a large close net family....I was sure that "the family" would think awful of me......but they didn't. I was worried about what my children would say......and have discovered just how lucky I am to have my kids....they want me happy & safe. You are only 34, the age of my oldest daughter. There is nothing wrong with you wanting companionship...young children adjust easier than most of us think at times. At what point in a relationship do you let them meet your children? I have no answers on that....except...he would have to be very special ...not just a date. The people in your life who honestly care about you will understand.....the ones who try to judge you...just walk away. It's your life...do what makes you happy. Happy Mom=happy kids. For myself, I look at it this way. I had a chapter in my life with a man, the father of my children, we had good & bad times, we made memories. Nothing will bring him back.....I am left with my life to live, to do the best that I can. Till death do us part.....you will know when it's time to move forward with your life....there is no time frame. You and your children are what's important....not what other's may think. My mom was rite....Things do have a way of working out......Take Care.......one day at a time | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/3/2006 10:26:26 AM | On September 6, it will be a year since my husband died after a fierce battle with cancer.
I have almost no memory of the 2 months following his death. Just getting dressed and leaving the house was an enormous chore for me, and I dreaded any errand I had to run that took me out of the comfort zone of my home and my grief.
Near the end of December, I began to realize I had to focus on the present. Buying a new puppy helped, she needed lots of attention. I had to get a new car. I also had to start seeing to it that my mothers needs were met, i.e. Dr's appointments, grocery store, pharmacy, and trips to the mall. (after my husband died, my daughter took over for awhile for me, God bless her for that). This time was most difficult for me. My mother passed away in May.
I am now getting my feet under me and redefining who I am. I don't feel I'm ready yet for a "romantic" relationship, but would love to find someone who shares my standards and interests for friendship, and is willing to take things slowly to see where things go.
Everyone is different, there is no wrong or right way, nor is their a time schedule for grief.
Take your time, be kind to yourself, and live by your calendar. Don't let other people bully you into thinking you should be on THEIR time schedule. | |
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| Any other widows out there with advice to share?
Posted: 8/4/2006 9:52:56 AM | Hey tried to email you directly because baby when you get the answer for this lets fly to easch other and hug cause I have been struggling with it for over a year and I know what you are feeling and that is why I would love to keep some of this between us and not in this forum--so please contact me and lets hold each others hands --you are the incredible light at a very very very long tunnel and I had just about given up hope thinking there were no other people feeling like me as their widowhood began
except Scarlett and I had her on my site for my profile picture for that exact reason--just like her I want to know where the hell I am going and what am i gonna do and where is the guy and should I have the guy etc.
so for us lets try to share and compare and despite a country between us, I think we have the beginnings of a beautiful friendship...I know for me you are my true lifesaver cause even if I have been struggling with this for over a year and you for only six months, the frustration is totally the same...
oh and pardon my lack of manners, I extend my deepest condolescences --it has to be so damn hard for you and your kids --mine are over 18 but it is killing them so it has to double for yours.
Warmly, Hazel | |
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